Dave sits and immediately notices something's not right with his monitor. He tries to ignore it the best he can.

New York Mets All-Star 3rd baseman David Wright is on the show tonight. Dave was able to get Wright's baseball card. On the back of the card is the player's career stats and usually a line or two about what they like to do in their free time. Dave was a bit surprised to read this about Wright. He shows the back of the baseball card. "David relaxes by betting on baseball."

Mr. Letterman can't take it any more. It's really bugging him and he cannot ignore it any longer. It's the monitor. It looks all foggy from the terrible humidity in the city today. Dave walks up to the camera and wipes the lens clean with his jacket. He goes back to finish the job using his elbow. Much better. The humidity made it a real sweat-fest in the city today.

Dave sends a camera out to the street to say hello to our good friend Rupert Jee of the Hello Deli. Dave asks the audience, "How many of you have been to the Hello Deli?" Most of the audience responds in the affirmative. Dave chuckles and says, "Congratulations, you've cheated death."
Dave and Rupert make some chitchat. We learn that Rupert has a basement to his deli where he keeps his dry goods. Dave suggests he put up some tables down there and call it the Grotto. All Rupert has to do is give it the right name and people will come running. People are always more impressed with a name of a place than the service.
Dave and Rupert then start talking about how to make a sandwich. How long did it take Rupert to learn how to make the perfect sandwich? Rupert says he is still learning. It is the exact answer Dave was looking for. Just then, a loud clap of thunder can be heard coming from the heavens. Dave remarks, "It looks like God has seen the show. Heh heh heh."
Tonight, we're going to play, "Would You Like To Make Your Own Sandwich? " Dave has Rupert run like a bunny to find a contestant while we wait. Rupert leaves the deli and we see that it is now pouring outside. There is not a soul in sight. Rupert opens his door and there is no one there. Luckily, he finds a lone woman under his canopy. He grabs her and drags her inside.
She is Abel from Anderson, Indiana . My antenna went up when I heard "Anderson." I just read about Anderson in today's newspaper, though I forget what for. Hold on, let me Google and see what I find.
"9 auto workers in Anderson, Indiana at a plant to close at the end of the year won $9 million in the lottery."
Dave tells Abel what we plan to do tonight. Rupert prepares the ingredients and they get started. Meanwhile, we have a show to put on.

Yesterday was July 11th, which can also be written, 7-Eleven . We started a special promotion with the people of 7-Eleven and it is already wildly successful. It will be going on all week. Alan?
Alan announce:

"The Late Show has partnered with 7-Eleven stores for an exciting promotion! All this week, just mention that Dave sent you, and get a free Slurpee! Happy '7-11' everyone, from the Late Show and 7-Eleven!"

Dave is about to move on to his next matter of business when he see the 3-D glasses flashing in the corner of the screen He excitedly exclaims, "Oh, you know what that means! It's time to put on your 3-D glasses!" Dave puts on his 3-Ds and enjoys a scene from a 50's beach movie. What fun

Hebrew University released a bunch of letters written by Albert Einstein, which revealed his fondness for the company of women . . . many women. We decided to use this newly unearthed material as a springboard for a brand new segment, something we call,
"GETTING TO KNOW THE REAL ALBERT EINSTEIN."
Announcer:

"In 1905, perhaps his most revolutionary year, Albert Einstein developed theories about the structure of light, relativity, and invented the sexual maneuver known as 'The Stuttgart Leg Lock.'
This has been 'Getting To Know The Real Albert Einstein.'"

And now it's time for "George W. Bush Two Words Never Before Spoken By a U.S. President ."
We see a quick shot of the President saying, "Uncle Bucky."

Let's go back to Rupert's Hello Deli to see how he's doing.
Huh? The guy skipped out! The place is closed. Dave muses that Rupert and Abel took a powder and headed up to Maine for some fun.

Back from commercial, Dave prepares for the next act. Suddenly, cutting off Dave, an "Intermission" art card appears covering the whole screen. There is no sound. A 5-second clock counts down. At the end of 5 seconds, a busy Dave says "You're back. I hope you were able to get a drink or a snack." He continues as if nothing happened.

TOP TEN: Ways Disney Is Cutting Back - Disney is cutting back on its film production and reducing a substantial number of jobs to cut costs.
#10. Log flume ride at Disney World in Bring-Your-Own-Log.
#2. Snow White's dwarves replaces with seven illegal Mexican immigrants.

DENIS LEARY - He's Emmy nominated for his lead role in the FX, "Rescue Me." But more important, he's the dad of two teenage kids, a son who is 16 and a daughter 14. They are at the age where they think their dad is the most uncoolest person in the whole wide world. Denis doesn't understand it. He's on TV. He has a lot of money. He gives his kids anything they want, and yet, he's still considered uncool. Driving drop-offs are now blocks away from their final destination. What has happened? Denis thinks he is very cool. Did Dave think his parents were uncool? Dave responds, "I was never cool enough to think my parents were not cool."

I am quickly approaching the uncool stage. I sometimes drive my 10-year-old girls to school. I can drive them up to the school. We talk. I can walk them to the school. We can still talk. I can walk them into the school. Talking becomes minimal. I can walk them down the hall. No more talking. When we approach the final turn to their classroom, I have to get lost and pretend I do not know them. I figure the walking and the talking will continually decrease as they get older.

Denis owns a farmhouse in Connecticut. He owns horses but never rides. And then one day he's watching a movie starring Robert Redford and Morgan Freeman. Redford played a horse-riding gun-shooting hellcat. Morgan played "the best friend black guy who narrates the movie." Denis says it's a role Morgan has played many many time before . . . many times. In the movie, Denis sees the old guy Redford riding the horse like a real cowboy. He's like 70 years old. Denis decides if Redford can do it, so can he. The next day, Denis gets on the horse. All was fine until his "friends" started getting in the way. His testicles were becoming a problem. Dave rides. Does he have a testicle problem when riding? Dave says, "Sadly, and with reason, I have never had that problem."
Jump ahead to the Emmys. Denis' wife sees one of the guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." She knows he likes to ride horses. She drags Denis over to him and she asks the queer guy about Denis' testicle problem. He suggests tight riding jeans, the kind that lifts and separates. Talking testicles with the queer guy made Denis a little uncomfortable.
May I offer this suggestion to Denis: Maybe you're sitting on the saddle horn.

Denis is up for the leading role Emmy against Martin Sheen from "The West Wing" and the guy from "Six Feet Under." Both shows are canceled. Denis feels it is unfair that he is competing against two guys out of work. It doesn't make sense. And what about Dave? He's up against Barry Manilow and Hugh Jackman. Denis wonders what kind of category includes Barry Manilow, Hugh Jackman, and David Letterman? Denis Leary - see him in FX's "Rescue Me" - Tuesdays at 10:00 PM.

DAVID WRIGHT : There's a new kid in town and his name is David Wright. The 23-year-old All-Star 3rd baseman for the New York Mets looks to be the real deal. He's near the top in every offensive category in the National League and he's got his head on straight. He looks to be green-lighted to become the face of Major League Baseball and poster boy once Derek Jeter finishes his career. Of course, we all know Albert Pujols is the best player in the sport. It's just too bad he's "hidden" in the Midwest in the #1 baseball town in America, St. Louis.
Dave exclaims the Mets are back, then questions, "Where have the Mets been?" David defends the Metropolitans and understands Dave is a Yankee fan. He's heard the Met jokes over the years. Dave, the host, quickly points out that he's only Yankee fan when the Yankees are winning. (That's a really big club Dave belongs to.)
Tuesday night at the baseball All-Star game, David Wright hit a home run his very first time up in the midsummer classic and on Monday he came in 2nd place in the Home Run derby. The kid's got a real bright future ahead of him. I remember Alex Rodriguez being on the show back in August, 1996 as a Seattle Mariner and many of us had the same reaction to him. I'm not saying David Wright will become another A-Rod but he's got the look and enthusiasm and the talent to take him a long way. The guy's got some future. Unfortunately, my future is in the past.
David Wright . . . he's the goods . . . . hopefully the Mets trade him to the Yankees for a pitcher with arm trouble.

ACT 4 - Dave lauds the young and up-and-coming charismatic superstar of the New York Mets when he is rudely interrupted by Alan Kalter . The camera turns to Alan's usual perch, but he is not there. The camera pans down and we find Alan working out on his new Bun & Thigh Roller.
Alan: "Hey, there. Looking to get in shape for the beach this summer? Can't afford the expensive gym membership? Here's the answer: Alan Kalter's Bun & Thigh Roller. That's right, using Alan Kalter's Bun & Thigh Roller for just five minutes a day will leave you with an unforgettable, highly tuned physique, like this."
Alan then gets up and turns suddenly angry. He addresses someone personally the camera.
"That's all you get, you cheap bastards! Sure, Alan Kalter will promote anything for a price . . . but I am worth a lot more that $250! Send the rest and you'll get the goods."
Alan walks over and picks up his Bun & Thigh Roller. He takes it and whacks a guy sitting in the front row! Dave is confused and asks, "Alan? What is going on?" Alan, still steamed, can only warn, "Not now! Not now!"

ACT 5 - "It's time for Late Show Costume Designer Susan Hum 's Balloon Animals!"
We see Sue trying to blow up one of those long thin balloons. As hard as she tries, she can't inflate it a bit.
"Looking good, Susan! This has been Late Show Costume Designer Susan Hum's Balloon Animals. We do chicken right."

THE WRECKERS : From their new CD, "Stand Still, Look Pretty," The Wreckers performed "Leave the Pieces."

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 12, 2006 . Wahoo EXTRA!

Did you watch the baseball All-Star game the other night? I felt such joy the next day when I heard two staffers, without prompting from me, complaining about camera shots. I actually defended the director in some cases, pointing out that this is a "special" game and home viewers may want to see their guy even if he is sitting in the dugout spitting sunflower seeds.
The American League won again, not having lost in their last ten mid-summer classics. Naturally, I don't feel bad for the National League. Win or lose they're all millionaires. Who I do feel bad for is the 14-year-old kid somewhere who is a big National League fan and has never seen his team win the All-Star game. I know what it's like. When I was a kid, from 1962-1982 the Yankees and the American League won 1 All-Star game.

I watched Seabiscuit of the weekend. I enjoyed it. Although the horse was excellent, I thought William Macy stole the show. He won a Supporting Actor Golden Globe for his performance but was not even nominated for an Academy Awards. Huh.

It's the return of "Under the Cap Snapple Fun Fact ", followed by a witty comment by me.
"#162 - The temperature of the sun can reach 15 million degrees F."
And with the humidity, it feels like 15 million and 10.

The French soccer player, Zinedine Zadine , is defending his actions, or at least explaining his actions, of his head-butt in the final 10 minutes in the 2nd overtime in the biggest sporting event in the world. He claims he was provoked by Marco Materazzi after the Italian player made harsh insults about Zadine's mother and sister. He then says he has no regrets over his actions.
Oh, you weak, weak man, Mr. Zinedine. You were so easily hooked and behaved like a little child. You got suckered big time.

My 10-year-old Dominique started an advice column and advertised it on an AOL kids chat room. Unfortunately, you're not allowed to give out your personal e-mail address in the kids chat room. When we came back from a 5-day vacation, she had 168 e-mails waiting for her. I think she's getting more hits than me. I checked out an e-mail and her response. It went something like this.
E-Mail: "My name is Priscilla. Do you like my name?"
Dominique: "I give it an 8."

Look out, Dear Abby . . there's a new kid on the block.