Dave takes a seat and surprises us all when he puts on a Shriner’s hat. He holds up a blue card that was placed inside the bag of hat behind the desk:
”$50 if you put on a Shriner’s hat”

Dave made a quick cool $50.

Dave then put on ship captain’s hat: “We’ll fire the torpedoes when I say we’ll fire the torpedoes!”

We had a few things in the hopper for tonight’s show. What we were going to use was still being determined when Dave took the stage. Everything was ready . . . we just weren’t sure what was going to be called on.

And then Dave took the controls to the water hose cam. We have a hose and a camera perched on the lamppost at the n/w corner of 53rd and Broadway. He can bark out orders to passing pedestrians, and also squirt them with the hose. Dave sees a team of teens walking north along Broadway and attempts to wet them. He then announces:
”Attention foreigners, don’t come back.” He then orders the passersby to stop and pick up some of the litter on the ground. They all ignore him. I laughed when he saw a female in red pass by and he referred to her as Olga Korbut. Umm, let’s see . . . Olga Korbut . . . I think that was the 1972 Summer Olympics. Yup, it was. It was only a 34-year-old reference. Dave continues to urge pedestrians to stop and pick up some of the paper on the sidewalk but they all ignore his pleas.

Back to Dave, who puts on a detective hat. “I wish I had something funny to say” was all he could come up with.

Next, a cowboy hat: “How long you gals been riding? What do you say we head up to Babs and knock off a liquor store?”
(I don’t think he said “Babs” but I can’t read my handwriting.)

Al Gore’s documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, has cooled at the box office. Afraid that his message will now be forgotten, Gore’s released this message.
Announcer: “Former Vice President Al Gore would like to remind people to find out what they can do to help reverse global warming. Further, he’d like to issue the stark warning that if unbearably hot temperatures continue, cities will be flooded, hurricanes will increase in intensity, and Al will be forced to walk around shirtless. (shot of a fat, shirtless Al Gore) Oh, he means it. Al Gore: It’s about to get ugly.”

Back to Dave who is proudly holding $50. He got that for wearing the Shriner’s hat.

Here’s a new segment called, “The World Cup Highlight of the Night.” We have a guy who does nothing all day but watch the World Cup searching for the day’s highlight. This is what he came up with today.
We see some generic soccer play. 5 seconds into the clip, we see the channel change to an episode of “Sanford & Son.” Fred got himself a wig made out of squirrel.
Says Dave, “I guess he changed the channel.”

Bill Gates has announced that he is stepping down from his daily duties at Microsoft in 2008. In honor of all he’s done for the computer industry, Microsoft has released this announcement.
Announcer: “In 1975, Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard to start his own software company. Little did he know that 30 years later, Microsoft would be one of the world’s most powerful corporations, generating annual revenue of $40 billion and changing the way we . . . .aw, crap. . . .” (the graphics freeze and we see a Windows error message, “Error: Program Not Responding.” We here a click click click and the error message repeats each time a keyboard key is pressed.) “. . . . Hold on, I can fix this.” More clicking mouse and then a “Fatal Error” message is seen on the blue screen.
“Son of a bitch! So long, Bill, from all your pals at Microsoft.”

Suddenly, a UPS guy walks past Dave’s desk and approaches horn player Bruce Kapler. He says to Bruce, “Sign here, please.” Bruce signs and receives a package. Dave is not pleased at Bruce for conducting personal business during the show. Paul is beside himself and apologizes for Bruce’s rude behavior

Dave wearing a detective’s hat: “ Yeah, I followed him out to Queens. I lost him, then I jumped in a cab and came home.”

Something rare happened the other day in Washington . . . . the President embarrassed himself. We take a look of the footage. We see the President at a Press Conference.
Announcer: “Last week, President Bush gave reporter Peter Wallsten a hard time for wearing ‘shades’ . . .
(we see a video tape of the President)
Bush: annoyed – “Are you going to ask that question with the shades on?” And then, “I’m interested in the shades look, seriously.” And more Bush: “For the viewers, there’s no sun.” Announcer: “Unfortunately, President Bush didn’t realize Mr. Wallsten is legally blind.
George W. Bush: Still working the bugs out of this Presidency thing.”

More fun in the detective hat.

GEORGE W. BUSH IN A NUTSHELL: It’s new. From a June 6th speech, we see a split second of the President. He is saying “Ooops.” That’s George W. Bush in a nutshell.

Following the nutshell, a landscaper with a leaf blower walks out from behind Dave. He blows everything off Dave’s desk. He continues to point the leaf blower at anything in his path. He then exits. With nothing on Dave’s desk, he can do nothing but go to commercial.
Back from commercial, We find Dave having more fun with the hose cam. Still, no one helps clean up the street. Dave urges, “C’mon, lady, pick it up! Just don’t look at it, pick it up!” Nothing.

Dave puts on a detective’s hat: “OK, Pops, answer the phone. I’ll be listening.”

Dave continues to badger the pedestrians and then starts making smacking noises over the P.A. And this is what his career has become; harassing people over a P.A. speaker and making smacking sounds.

TOP TEN: Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with a Robot – With the great advances in technology that takes place every day, many scientists believe that within 5 years people will be having sex with robots. Dave can only ask, “Why?”
#10. “Is it properly grounded?”
#7. “Which robot does Consumer Reports recommend having sex with?”
#4. “Will it hurt like the time I made out with the Juicer?”

Dave tries the hose cam again and again is chagrined that no one, NO ONE, is moving a finger to clean up the litter on Broadway. He can’t believe people are walking right over it.

And then Dave gets up.

He’s not going to . . .

Is he?

I think he is.

Yup. Dave makes his way to the back of the theater. He walk through the doors and continues through the lobby towards Broadway. He is going to go out and clean it up himself. I’m yelling to get someone on the hose gun. Our head of security is busy on 53rd Street waiting for Dwyane Wade to arrive. Dave makes it out to Broadway and starts cleaning up the papers on the ground. Others join in. David Letterman is leading the charge to clean up the city. People can get elected mayor on that platform. Dave stands on Broadway and looks up at the hose cam. I don’t know who had the control but the water was soon shooting Dave’s way. Dave then continued his walk towards 53rd Street and walked down to the entrance to the theater. He entered, wiped his hands on our costume designer Susan Hum, and returned to his desk. He sits and says,
“#3. Is the robot Jewish?
#2. Does this classify as ‘Rock Bottom’?
#1. Am I sure I want to cheat on my inflatable girlfriend?”

Well, that was fun.

DWYANE WADE: The new greatest player in the NBA. He was drafted 5th a few years ago behind Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony. Those two got all the publicity; Dwyane got the ring. I’ve been hearing about Dwyane Wade but have rarely seen him play. Well, that’s changed. He’s the guy down in Miami, now. Heck, if he didn’t get hurt last year in the playoffs, this may have been Miami’s 2nd Championship.
The Miami Heat was down two games to zero to the Dallas Mavericks but Dwyane remained confident that they could come back and win. The Heat has Shaq, one of the greatest coaches in history, and they were heading back to Miami for three games. After the first two losses, Miami came back to win the next four. Dwyane feels good about the Championship, especially for all the old guys on the team.
I quickly looked up where Dwyane was from. I wondered why he had a Chicago White Sox hat on. Yup, he’s from Chicago. And then I looked up when he was born: January 17, 1982. Late Night was born two weeks later.
Dwyane the NBA Championship, Wheaties, the breakfast of champions, wasted no time in getting Dwyane and Shaq on the cover of their box. On the back was the Miami Heat team. When you find yourself on the cover of a Wheaties box, you know you did something really good.
What’s next for Dwyane? He’ll get ready for the 2008 Summer Olympics and will be working on more Championships in the NBA. Dwyane, Lebron, Carmelo . . . it looks like the NBA is pretty well set for the next decade.
The 2003 Draft:
#5. Dwyane Wade
#4. Chris Bosh – Toronto
#3. Carmelo Anthony – Denver
#2. Darko Milicic – Detroit
#1. Lebron James - Cleveland

I wonder how Kobe feels about no more Shaq now? He got his way. Hope he’s happy.

AMY SEDARIS: As always, Amy comes on, entertains, brings laughs, and leaves. What did she say? I barely remember. I only remember that she was very entertaining.
(ed.note: AOL problems at home. I was going to finish Amy Sedaris at work Thursday morning but couldn’t get my mail. Topics she discussed:
Fell asleep at the beach.
Makeup assistant at the U.S. Open.
Stiltwalker/slipped on an olive.
Entrepreneur – working on a disguise kit. She shows how to create a disguise using stuff you have lying around the house. She turns around and has Dave ask, “Why the long face?” She then faces the camera with an extremely long face, using nothing but her face.
Dave asks about her new film, “Strangers With Candy.” Amy is so excited to actually have something to plug. She quickly explains the movie is designed for misfits and outcasts. I like the sounds of that. She explains further, “I play a 47-year-old junkie/ex-prostitute . . . it’s based on your girlfriend . . .” Ouch. Now how many can get away with that? We see a dinner scene from “Strangers With Candy.” I liked the feel of it. I imagine there’s a lot of head scratching from the audience, followed by “huh?” “Strangers With Candy” – it opens Wednesday, June 28th in New York City.

Full disclosure: Strangers With Candy is a Worldwide Pants Production, I think. We have something to do with it. How much, I’m not sure. I just show up for work, do my job, and then go home. What doesn’t concern me doesn’t concern me. But I really do like the feel to this film. It’s on my list of movies to see, if I actually went to see movies.

Act 5: It’s a slo-mo replay of Dave’s visit on Broadway. He’s a regular Johnny Horizon.

MORNINGWOOD: From their CD, Morningwood, Morningwood performed “Jetsetter.”

I’m familiar with Morningwood. This is the first time I’ve heard them.

Sorry this is late. I had trouble with my AOL password. I usually do most of the Wahoo at home and then send to myself and finish it at work in the morning before the day starts. When I got into work today, I couldn’t get into my mail. And then I had to get a new password. Damn. I loved my old password, “Bosco.”

Back to close the show following Morningwood, Dave instructs the audience to turn to page 56 in their hymnals. Morningwood is what you want; loud and fun. Paul mentions the flopping around. Dave laughs and says, “It makes you want to do this. . . “ He then makes a smacking sound with his lips.

And that was our show for Wednesday June 21, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m not sure if this is significant but Google didn’t have anything for the first day of summer. I have a feeling it’s their way of saying, “See, we don’t commemorate everything with a cartoon over our logo.” But they did do something for the first few days of the World Cup, right before Flag Day.

“America’s Got Talent” premiered Wednesday night. The New York Knicks didn’t qualify.

So the Miami Heat has Shaquille O’Neal, Dwyane Wade, Antoine Walker, and Alonzo Mourning on the team. Why can’t the Knicks have even just one of those guys?

Dan Rather is sounding like Red Buttons at a Dean Martin Roast: “I never had a dinner.”

At the local South Orangetown Middle School in Rockland County, Friday is a day of early dismissal. How early? 9:30 A.M. Yeah, that’s right, 9:30 A.M. I don’t think the students even get off the bus. They get picked up, sit in the bus in front of the school for 5 minutes, then come back home.
That’s our tax dollar at work!

Here’s an example of how baseball’s changed in the past 20 years and why I think the Yankees will peter out by the end of the season. Yesterday, the Yankees won 5-0 vs. the Phillies as they pitched a 3-hitter. The Yankees used 5 pitchers in their 3-hitter.
And in last week’s 1-0 win against the Cleveland Indians, they used 4 pitchers in a 5-hitter. The Yankee bullpen will never last. And their starters can’t go more than 6 innings. Years ago, a pitcher would be kicking and screaming if you tried to take him out while he was pitching a shutout. But maybe baseball is on to something. Maybe I’ll only do half the Wahoo I do now and let three other people finish it up. I like how that sounds.

My daughter Danielle got 10 stitches in her knee on Wednesday. She fell through a glass picnic table. I thought that glass was supposed to be specially made, you know, like tempered or something. It smashed up like one of those old car windshields of the 50s. It’s in a million pieces now.