COLD OPEN: I was running around and missed the cold open, but this is how it was scripted. The scripted version and what you see on the TV are usually two totally different things.
We see Dave and Jude in the green room.
Dave: “When it gets this hot, they say you should drink plenty of fluids.” (Dave holds up a can of beer) “I can make that happen.” (Dave takes a swig) “Know what I’m saying?!”
Jude: (shaking her head, muttering) “Idiot.”

We’re in a heat wave here in New York, and if you’re living anywhere in the United States, you’re likely having one, too. I’m reading the wave of heat is heading towards the U.K. as well. Who’s fault is the heat wave? According to Dave, Al Gore. Everything was fine until he opened his big mouth. Now the heat is sweeping the nation. New York City hit 98 today. Denver? 100.
Of course, it’s not the heat that’s so bad . . . it’s the heat index. “How hot is it? Oh, 98, but it feels like 103.”
Really? Can you really tell a 5-degree difference when your thermometer is hovering around triple digits?

How hot is it today? The LATE SHOW Takes A Look At The Heat. We see a cab driver standing by a big pool of yellow paint out on 53rd Street. In the paint pool is a set of tires and a steering wheel. The cabbie cries out, “My taxi cab melted!” We bring out that clip every summer.

And when the temperature reaches the 90s in New York City, as a public service we bring out the LATE SHOW Hose Cam. Dave operates the hose and fires it at pedestrians out on Broadway in front of our theater. Ahh, anonymous dousing. Once fun as a kid . . . it remains fun as an adult.
Who are those people out on Broadway Dave is dousing with the hose cam? He’s told it is the audience lining up for our next show. Ooops. Way to get them on our side, Dave.

On the show tonight is a Dr. Charles Westfall, an expert on ticks. Dave understands the dangers of ticks and realizes the importance of making a daily body-check for the parasitic critters whenever you spend time in the woods. And how do you give yourself a full body check for ticks when alone? Dave will only say it involves straddling a mirror.

Hey, have you heard the brilliant idea of CBS advertising and promoting their fall line-up on egg shells? That’s right, come this fall you’ll be finding the CBS eye and CBS show logos on incredible, edible eggs. And that’s not all. The LATE SHOW has jumped on board and you will be able to find Dave’s likeness in every container of Crisco shortening. Dave opens the lid of a Crisco sample and reveals his mug in the Crisco lard. He dips his pinky in the Crisco and gives a taste. The audience groans. Dave shakes his head and admonishes, “Oh, like you never done it . . .”

It’s so hot today that we sent our Biff Henderson out on 53rd Street to see if he can fry an egg on the sidewalk. This never works. Perhaps with the depleted ozone it’ll work this year.
How hot is it out there today? Biff says “it’s gotta be at least 103 degrees.” Dave tells Biff to tell the people behind him to beat it. Tell them, “We don’t want you! Get the hell out of here.” Biff then cracks an egg on the sidewalk and we watch for it to fry. Anything? It’s too early to tell. We’ll check in again later.

GEORGE W. BUSH’S PLAN FOR PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST: You probably saw this by now. It’s the President talking to British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Bush is eating and over his shoulder says to Blair, “What they need to do is get Syria and to get Hezbollah to stop doing this ‘djoy.’” Ah ha! Gotcha, Mr. President.
Dave has no problem with the President swearing like that in the heat of the moment. What bother’s Dave is how President Bush is sitting there like he’s at a ballgame and tossing peanuts into his mouth, chomping away at the legumes. It’s not what the President says; it’s how he’s eating that Dave notices.

The space shuttle Discovery made its way home this morning. The mission was very successful and we hear NASA’s proud announcement.
NASA announcer: “Thanks to astronauts on the recent Discovery mission, NASA has concluded inspections on the space shuttle’s nose and protective skin and it shows no signs of damage. With the operation accomplished, NASA is excited to announce Discovery’s next mission to inspect the skin and nose on an even more damaged location . . . (cut to shot of Kenny Rogers) . . . NASA and Kenny . . . choke on that, Russia.”

Suddenly, our costume designer Sue Hum enters from behind Dave. She is holding a glass of water. She questions the host, “Dave, are you staying hydrated?” Dave says he is. She asks again, reminding him of the importance of staying hydrated in such hot weather. Dave thanks her for her concern and says he is drinking lots of water. After another round of questioning, Dave again tells her she should have no concern, that he is indeed hydrated. After a pause, the costume designer with a union job says to Dave, “I hope you shrivel up and die.” She exits.
Dave says he was just in a situation he could not win. His employee was showing concern, but she was being too involved. Dave told her he was hydrated, in fact he’s been hydrating all night, but she wouldn’t take his word for it. Dave realizes he looked like the bad guy in this situation but it wasn’t the case. He politely told her he was fine but Sue wouldn’t accept that. It was an awkward situation for everybody. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sue is fired for this, but then brought back next week with an additional “producer” title.

GEORGE W. BUSH THAT’S ALL FOLKS: From a recent speech;
Bush: “There would’ve been a deficit but there wouldn’t have been the commiser . . . commiser . . . . the the the the the the. . .”
Cut to Looney Tunes theme and graphic, “That’s All Folks!”

From the Wahoo Gazette, February 6, 2004:

George W. Bush Genius: In a recent speech, our President says, “There would’ve been a deficit, but there wouldn’t have been the com – com – commiserate – the the the – not the ‘commiserate’ – the the the . . . kick to our economy.”

Back to Biff . . . the egg is huge but it ain’t frying. Dave wants a sidewalk thermometer to see if it is hot enough.

Back from commercial, we see Dave leafing through Dr. Charles Westfall’s book, “The Tick-ing Time Bomb.” It’s a large tome, a lot more than one would expect for a book about ticks. It’s not all written pages, though. There are some pictures. Dave holds up a photo of the big tick conference attended by many.

TOP TEN: Answers to the Question, ‘How Hot Is It?’
#6. It’s so hot, President Bush told the sun to ‘Stop doing this ‘djoy.’
#2. It’s so hot, a disoriented Bill Clinton has been hitting on Hillary.

DR. CHARLES WESTFALL: He’s a tick expert at the Parasitology Laboratory at the National Institutes of Health and the author of the book, “The Tick-ing Time Bomb.” Anyone who watches the show regularly knows that Dave has a fascination about ticks. He’s been on the tick bandwagon long before it was hot in the news, so this booking came as no surprise to me. Dave mentioned earlier that only 1 in 200 of the common deer tick is infected with the Lyme Disease. And it is not fatal. Dr. Westfall expands on this. He then talks about the more lethal Rocky Mountain deer tick. The doctor brought along some live tick samples for us to examine. So tiny are they that they are hard to see. We “see” the common deer tick, a tiny speck no bigger than a poppy seed. Next is the more dangerous Rocky Mountain deer tick. Dr. Westfall becomes slightly alarmed when he cannot spot the tick in its case. Dave points to Dr. Westfall’s wrist and asks, “Is that it right there on your wrist?” Dr. Westfall looks at his wrist and screams out, “Oh my God, it’s a Rocky Mountain Deer Tick!” He jumps up and screams that he is infected by the deer tick. He runs across the stage holding his wrist away from his body but it is too late. He feels the tick disease already running through his whole body. Dr. Westfall begins to frantically scratch at his head and face. He is indeed infected. In a complete state of panic, Dr. Westfall runs out the back of the theater screaming like an hysterical (add your own stereotyped person/race/gender). Dave, confused and faking concern, says, “He ain’t coming back.”

KATE HUDSON: She’s in You, Me, and Dupree. During her two segments, I was trying to put together something for Biff out on 53rd Street. Kate’s a mom of a 2-and-a-half year old boy. Earlier in the day, he had his first real accident in the playground. Some 9-year-old tough knocked him to the ground and busted his lip. Kate got the call and rushed over to make sure all was OK. Her son quickly got over the injury, and now wears his fat lip with pride. Kate says it was a good think she wasn’t at the playground because she knows she would have drop-kicked the 9-year-old over the West Side Highway into the Hudson. (Heh heh heh . . . . Kate Hudson . . . . Hudson River).
You, Me, and Dupree – the #3 film in the country, in theaters now.

BIFF ON 53rd – the thermometer on the ground reads about 120 degrees. Yikes, it’s hot. Sure, it may be 120, but it feels like 103.

PATRICE ONEAL: From VH-1’s Web Junk 20. He hosts this funny video show. People send in video found on the web that is either amusing, disgusting, questionable, and always entertaining. Patrice was here back in March when he showed the clip of the off-duty DEA agent demonstrating gun safety to a classroom of kids. The cop accidentally shot himself in the foot. We see more clips of:
- an anchorwoman talking about a guy who climbed Mt. Everest, and not only that, ‘he’s gay! I mean, he’s blind!”
- a walrus doing sit-ups;
- Japanese aerobics dancing to the song “Spare Me My Life”;
- and a monk getting kicked in the nuts.
I’m a sucker for these shows. Funniest Home Videos; Candid Camera; stuff like that, but I don’t really go for the Punk’d.
Web Junk 20 – Fridays at 11:30 PM.

And that was our show for Monday July 17, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

HEAT! Oh, the heat! When in New York City, it’s not the 100 degree heat from the sun that is so intense. . . . it’s the heat radiating up from the roads, sidewalks and buildings that is so suffocating. The bottom of your chin feels the heat more than the top of your head.

When driving alone, I rarely use the air conditioner. Old habit, I guess. I only use it for weddings and funerals . . . when I’m alone, of course. Denise likes the AC when driving across the street. But tonight on my way home, I think I’ll make an exception.

Hottest recorded temperature in the United States history:
Death Valley – 134 degrees, July 10, 1913.
Death Valley was named by one of 18 survivors of a party of 30 attempting to find a shortcut to the California gold fields in 1849.
Objects at 130 degrees will usually result in a sensation of warmth that is one the threshold of pain..

I read today that in order for the conditions to be considered a heat wave, temperatures must be over 90 for 3 days in a row. I’m guessing that’s in the New York area. I doubt if the same holds true in, say, Phoenix. What constitutes a heat wave in Phoenix?

As a means of advertisement and promotion, CBS plans to plaster its CBS Eye logo on millions of eggs this fall. I’m no marketing genius, but I never think it’s a good idea to screw around with people’s food. Do you really want CBS’ fingerprints on something you’re about to eat? Yeah, I know it’s only on the shell but it still creeps me out somehow.

I went to some garage sales this weekend. I like buying cheap old stuff. The best garage sales are where mom and pop are finally moving out after living in the same house for 50 years. I bought an old clock that reminded me of one in my mom’s kitchen back in the 60s. When I got it home, I found that the cord was all frayed and damaged. I tried putting on a new cord but the insides to the clock just fell apart. My girls have a cheap alarm clock that they never use so I took that apart, took the insides out, and put it into my garage sale clock. The antique clock now works great and it’s battery operated.
Success.
I also bought 3 old beer glasses for 50 cents each. The glasses are 7-ounce ones you would get years ago when buying a draft at the bar. They are sort of inverted-bell shaped, like a mini coca cola glass. I used to love drinking drafts from a pitcher in this glass. Now that I have my favorite glass, I can go back to buying quarts.
And lastly, I bought a straight razor for 2 bucks. It had to be at least 65 years old. I always wanted to shave with a straight razor. I once got a shave at a barber shop and it was the closest shave I ever had. I bought the straight razor in hopes I could duplicate that shave. I got home, cleaned it real good, and tried it out. No dice. I either don’t know how to use it or it was not sharpened. The razor came with a sharpening stone and read the back of the box on how to sharpen my straight razor. I did as I was instructed, and smiled broadly on the last instruction. After rubbing the blade across the stone a number of times, to clean the blade I was to wipe the blade across the palm of my hand. Imagine that, instructed to swipe the straight razor across your palm, inches away from the artery in your wrist. Back then, men were treated like men. That’s right, no need for a special glove or thick cloth to clean the straight razor, just wipe it against your bare palm. Imagine the lawsuits today with an instruction like that.

“TO TELL THE TRUTH” VS. “TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES” – In Friday’s Wahoo, I mentioned that Anderson Cooper was once on Truth or Consequences as a kid. Of course I meant To Tell the Truth. How did I make that mistake? When I was typing up that paragraph, a staffer who appeared on Who Asked For It? on Monday entered the office. He was the one whose mom was asking if she could see her son, a LATE SHOW intern, whom she hadn’t seen since he started working for the show. When the staffer entered from the guest entrance to see his mom, I told him it reminded me of the old Truth or Consequences show hosted by Bob Barker. The show was always reuniting Viet Nam vets with their mom or wife in a big tearful reunion. His entrance reminded me of that. And then when it was time to write about Anderson Cooper’s appearance on a game show back in his childhood, the word Truth was in my head and it spilled over to Truth or Consequences instead of the rightful To Tell the Truth. And that’s my story of my mistake. But that’s not all.

From Wahoo reader Tim Dunleavy of Narberth, Pennsylvania:

”Just a quick correction - the game show Anderson Cooper appeared on was ‘To Tell the Truth,’ not ‘Truth or Consequences.’ Incidentally, at the time Anderson appeared on the show (1978), its announcer was Bill Wendell. The show went off the air that year; when it returned for the 1980-81 season, the announcer was Alan Kalter.
And now you know the rest of the story."