Cold Open: We see Dave and Jude in the green room.
Dave asks, “So, that ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie broke all the box office records this weekend. . . . . you ever been to the Caribbean?”
Jude: “What do you do, just read the headlines and then think of the dumbest possible question to ask?”
And that was how it was written. And that was what we expected. But Dave went off on a tangent and we just followed along as he talked about Jaws, Star Wars, and stuff.

MONOLOGUE JOKE – Zinedine Zidane said the Italian player he head-butted called his mother a whore. Heck, in New York that’s pretty much a standard greeting.” This thought was repeated throughout the night.

I was asked to do a live voice over during the show. Of course I agreed. You never know when a talent scout may be watching. So during the ACT 1 was out on stage by Alan Kalter sharing the microphone.

Before the show, Dave was talking to an audience member and something very disturbing came up. The Canadian was vacationing in Florida when he met a couple of “older” babes once knew Dave years ago as their “pizza boy delivery boy.” Dave swears that he has not once in his life ever worked as a pizza delivery guy. “Not yet, at least.” The guy in the audience referred to the women as “cougars.” Dave never heard this term before for older attractive women who “still have it.” Paul helps out. He says it’s a term that originated in Canada, possibly by Dan Aykroyd. How about that? Meanwhile, I was getting antsy with all this chitchat, fearing this unexpected part of the show would elbow my performance off.

After that is taken care of, Dave talks about the Space Shuttle that is in Day 10 of a two-week mission. His buddy down at NASA mentioned to Dave that some time tonight, the Space Shuttle just might be flying over New York City. And just as Dave mentions it, he hears a sound off in the distance. Could it? Is it? Paul sees it first, Yes! It’s the Space Shuttle flying across the skyline behind Dave.
Cue the announce: “The Late Show – nominated for 5 Emmy Awards! Back to you, Dave.” That was me.
How does all this come into play? The director, Jerry Foley, prepares the stagehands that the Space Shuttle is about to be released. Foley listens and watches keenly on Dave for his cue. When the time comes, Foley first informs the sound effects guy to start the SFX of the propeller plane, as if that’s the Space Shuttle. Foley then announces to release the Space Shuttle. The stage manager cues the stagehand to let the Space Shuttle fly. Once the Space Shuttle is seen, Foley cues the music from Paul. When the Space Shuttle is established on screen, Foley cues the Emmy graphic to appear in the corner of the screen and to cue the announce. And that’s what goes in to a simple thing like flying the Space Shuttle behind Dave. Unfortunately, Foley forgot to cue laughter from the audience.

As soon as I was finished, I rushed back to the shack to look up a shot of Dave as a pizza delivery guy. I can picture him clearly in a remote or a taped bit from the mid-90s. Unfortunately, the computer was in use by the Stangels looking up information on “cougars.” I decided to make a run to the tape room by the control room to use that computer. Just as I started to run, a stage manager grabbed me and told me we might be doing the Space Shuttle again and to stand by the microphone for another possible voice over.

Hey, did you see this? This is amazing! A chicken in Kazakhstan laid an egg with the word “Allah” on the shell. Well, that’s nothing compared to what Dave found on his morning pancake. It too was so amazing that he brought it in to work. Dave holds up his pancake and it has the exact likeness of former President Richard Nixon. Dave flings the Nixon pancake into the audience along with the rest of the plate of pancakes. I can understand why Dave brought his morning Nixon pancake to the show, but why did he feel the need to bring the rest of the stack? I guess to fling. I guess to fling.

Oh, and you know about the exciting LATE SHOW/7-Eleven special that’s been running since July 11th, 7/11. Just mention “Dave” at your neighborhood 7-11 and you get a free Slurpee. Well, it’s been so popular that more has been added. Alan? Alan announce: “In honor of July 11th, the LATE SHOW has partnered with 7-Eleven stores for an exciting promotion! All this week, just mention that Dave sent you, and get a free Slurpee . . . and now, also get a free quarter pound ‘Big Bit’ hot dog! It’s a special summer treat from the Late Show and 7-Eleven!”
Paul is still confused. He has been all week. “Just to clarify once again . . . . we haven’t agreed to pay for millions of free Slurpees and hot dogs?”
Dave says, “Not to my knowledge, no.”

During the Alan announce of the LATE SHOW/7-11 special offer, the Stangels slipped Dave a piece of paper with the story behind the term “cougar.” I looked for it after the show to add here, but I couldn’t find it. I then remembered that Dave slipped into his inside breast pocket during the show, or as I called it as a kid, his “secret pocket.”

There’s a dog running for Governor of Alaska. It started out as a joke but the dog is now making a strong showing as a write-in candidate thanks to this campaign announcement.
Announcer: “As Alaska prepares to elect a new governor, many locals have thrown their support behind a two-year-old Golden Retriever named Brinkley, whom they hope to elect as a write-in candidate. And while many voters object to the notion of an unthinking novelty candidate who possesses no verbal skills or self-control, other states have found they make for tremendously entertaining leaders.”Arnold Schwarzenegger dancing with a scantly clad Brazilian.
“Brinkley: Soon to be the nation’s second worst governor.”

“Hey, is that the Space Shuttle again?” By this time I was standing by the door that Harold Larkin usually opens when we want to see the streets on fire or a giant moon. When I heard Dave mention the Space Shuttle, I ran up to the microphone with my line at the ready. A stage manager was inches away. The space shuttle flies. I am nearly sitting on Alan Kalter’s lap as he didn’t have time to move out of my way. I wait for the cue . . . I wait for the cue. . . . it’s not coming. It was decided the “nominated for 5 Emmy Awards” announce would be a one time thing.

HIGHLIGHTS OF GEORGE W. BUSH’S MEMOIRS – the guy is preparing to write his memoirs. Here are some of his career highlights.
June 3, 1947: Mispronounces his first word August 3, 1958: Inspired to serve the public after watching a particularly exciting episode of Zorro.
April 8, 1963: Dislocates jaw in freak Cheerleading accident.
1973-1975 – Doesn’t remember a thing.
June 16, 1976: Bush devastated to learn that he’s not a member of the Busch beer family.
July 29, 1989: As owner of the Texas Rangers, trades away a young Sammy Sosa for a bitchin’ hat.
March 5, 2000: Blows of CIA memo about Osama to watch “Urkel Marathon” on TV Land.
June 6, 2000: Chooses Dick Cheney as running make because “he reminds me of mom.”
October 19, 2000: Appears on LATE SHOW so he can finally meet someone dumber
January 21, 2001: Immediately following inauguration, leaves for first five-week working vacation.
August 20, 2002: Nearly invades Mexico after choking on a quesadilla.
April 9, 2005: Dinner at Tavern on the Green to celebrate his 10,000th mispronunciation of the word ‘nuclear.’

Did you spot the miscalculation above? I didn’t notice it until I typed this up now. March 5, 2000: “Blows off CIA memo about Osama to watch ‘Urkel Marathon’ on TV Land. Bush wasn’t yet President on March 5, 2000. Oops.

BIFF HENDERSON’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING AROUND THE OFFICE: This is something new. Biff Henderson went around the offices snooping in on staffers. He listened in on their conversations to find out what we are saying around the office.
We find Biff standing a bit away from 2 staffers. He listens in. He reports: “He’s saying, ‘Every day I work here, a piece of me dies.’”

TOP TEN: Good Things About Having a Dog as Governor.
#8. Only sexual scandal is with the leg of a couch.
#6. First governor to wear a choke collar since McGreevey.
#4. When he sticks his head out of the motorcade window, gives the impression he’s a dog of the people.
#3. Would chase more tail than Clinton . . . . Hello, is this thing on?

BIFF HENDERSON’S WHAT THEY’RE SAYING AROUND THE OFFICE.
We now find Biff listening in on two guys waiting for an elevator. Biff reports in a whisper, “He is saying, ‘I’m ashamed to tell anyone I work here.’”

LUKE WILSON: He’s in the film, My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I laughed out loud at a few things Luke delivered tonight and was bothered when I was called away to get something ready for the next ACT. I was mostly bothered because it was something I had forgotten to do earlier. Luke comes from an acting family, the Wilsons. Dave asks what he would be doing if not in the acting business. Luke says, “I would really like landscaping.” There was little reaction from the audience. He looks at them with a trace of disgust and admonishes, “What, you people don’t have yards?”
Luke grew up in Texas where the summers were awfully hot. How did he survive those summers? Luke says he’s not sure. He started living by instinct without thinking. He remembers one summer when he was into ramming people. It started one day when he was waiting for a car to pull out of a parking space. He and his friends waited patiently, but the guy took his sweet time on purpose. Luke tapped his horn just to let the guy know he was waiting. The guy flipped him the bird which seemed really unnecessary. Luke decided, “Ram ‘im.” And so Luke took his little green Isuzu Trooper and rammed the guy. Not a big, vicious NASCAR ramming, but just enough to “trade paint.” To this day Luke has to fight to urge to ram people. Luke rationalizes that “ramming” was his way of helping people. He was trying to educate these people of their rude and inconsiderate behavior. (Man, I like this guy’s thinking!) Ever run into any lawsuits? Luke says, “No, that’s why I didn’t have license plates.”
At this point I was called away. I made it back for the clip of My Super Ex-Girlfriend. We see Luke “getting it on” with Uma Thurman. Like Dave said, it looked like it must have been fun.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend – it opens July 21st at a theater near you.

Dave received this e-mail during the break:

“Dear Dave,
While vacationing in Florida, I ran into a woman who claimed that you once delivered a pizza to her at the Playboy Mansion. Crazy, huh?
Jesus Martinez,
Austin, Texas.”

Dave finally puts an end to this. ACT 5: “It’s time for Late Show Costume Designer Susan Hum’s Balloon Animals!
Tonight, Susan will be making a rabbit!”
We watch Susan attempt to blow up her balloon. Success with the inflating, no dice on the bunny.
“Looking good, Susan! This has been Late Show Costume Designer Susan Hum’s Balloon Animals. We do chicken right.”

BAND OF HORSES: From their new CD, “Everything All The Time,” Band of Horses performed “The Funeral.”

And that was our show for Thursday July 13, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m walking to work this morning and pass a Starbucks. I stop to count how many people are on line. I counted 13. I never get in a line of more than 5 for anything, unless I’m at Disney. About a month ago at the new mall, I counted 19 on line at a Dunkin’ Donuts. What is wrong with these people? It’s just coffee, you idiots! My drug of choice is beer, but if I have to wait for more than 2 minutes for my drink I’m going to another bar.

I mentioned the other day that my first and only time attending the LATE NIGHT was when Paul Reubens was a guest as Pee Wee Herman. I remember Chaka Khan was on; Larry Bud Melman did some standup; and 3 audience members competed in a race down the elevators to street level, hailed a cab ride around the block, and raced back. The contestants also had to return with an anecdote told to them by the cab driver. The first one back, won. Wahoo reader Mr. Don Giller always writes to fill in my blanks:
My Late Night:
March 3, 1983 (90-minute show); aired the following night. In addition to Chaka Khan, the show's third guest was Madeline Kahn, and subbing for Hiram Bullock in the band that night was Steve Khan.

With some more research, I found New Gift Items were also on the show that night, though I’m sure Mr. Giller knew that. I was a bit surprised that it was in 1983. LATE NIGHT had only been on for a little more than a year. I’ll have to search the building for that old tape and relive the fun. I also remember that the first one back in the Taxi Cab Race was disqualified because she didn’t have an anecdote from the cab driver. That always bothered me . . . that she couldn’t make something up on her ride up the elevator.

The President’s 5-week vacation is coming up, as it does every August and into Labor Day. I said a year ago that a great PR move would be for him to spend his 5 weeks in New Orleans and Biloxi instead of Crawford, Texas. Think about it, Mr. President. It’s called leadership. I know he likes to clear brush and I hear there’s still some cleaning up to do in Louisiana and Mississippi. Remember that when you see him in his jeans and flannel down in Crawford with a piece of brush from the prop department. Spend 5 weeks with those hit by Katrina, Mr. President!

Something for the weekend!
Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip
¼ cups Olive Oil
2 cans of chopped clams
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 teaspoon parsley, snipped
1 cup breadcrumbs
½ cup grated parmesan cheese.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Saute first four ingredients. Add breadcrumbs and cheese. Place mixture in small casserole dish. Back until lightly browned, about 25 minutes. Serve with lemon wedges and Italian bread. Rupert says he has lemon wedges and Italian bread.