This week, the networks are announcing their new fall lineup. Dave has a couple of the more popular one that may stick around a long time.
-"Simon Says" - Friday at 9:00 on FOX - Edgy reality show in which contestants see who can put up with Simon Cowell's cruel remarks the longest before beating him unconscious.
-"The Dead Talker" - Thursdays at 9:00 on NBC - Tea Leoni stars in this supernatural drama about a suburban housewife who suddenly gains the ability to communicate with the spirits of dead houseplants.
-"Sub-Human" - Tuesdays at 9:30 on the CW - In this slapstick comedy, it's one headache after another for Captain Ted McCoy (played by Mark Harmon) when he's assigned to the Navy's only submarine manned by chimps.
-"Found" - Saturdays at 9:00 on ABC - The story of 38 plane crash survivors who are rescued from a mystical island and returned to their pathetic miserable lives.
-"Partly Cloudy" - Saturday at 9:00 on CBS - A shy 12-year-old suddenly acquires 95-mile-an-hour fastball after getting a pint of blood from All-Star pitcher Joe Cloudy.
-"Behind the Wheel" - Tuesdays at 10:00 on HBO - intrigue abounds in this backstage drama about brilliant but troubled writers who think up puzzles on "Wheel of Fortune"
-"Kiss of Death" - Wednesdays at 8:00 on FOX - When she's not diagnosing illnesses at the clinic, Dr. Molly Stinson moonlights as a matchmaker, pairing up patients who have compatible venereal diseases.

And now, another installment of TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS.
-we see an intern placing a suit on a hanger into a closet. We hear him narrate his thoughts:
-"One day while placing Mr. Letterman's suit in his closet, I spotted what appeared to be a box up high on the shelf. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't resist temptation. I found a ladder, reached up and grabbed the box. To my surprise, I opened it to find the head of Don Knotts. I carefully placed it back on the shelf and never told anyone what I saw."

Another new show: "C.I. Gay" - Wednesdays at 9:00 on CBS - Things will never be the same at Langley when, through a quirk in the Constitution, the job of Director of the CIA falls in the sequined lap of the President's flamboyant gay nephew, Bruce (played by Andy Dick).

The Senate started debating immigration reform yesterday, and insiders say tensions were running very high. Dave tuned in C-Span to see what was going on, and Dave was a little disappointed. We see a clip.
No, it's not a clip of C-Span, but we're making believe it is. It's a fight scene from the talk show, "Laura."

More new shows: "My Name is Dwayne" - Sundays at 8:00 on NBC - After ten years in a coma, Dwayne Zadowski awakens and embarks on a powerful journey to learn why his parents named him Dwayne.

"Kangaroo Court" - Weekdays at 2:00 on the CW - In this newest court show, disputes are settled not according to the principles of law, but the outcome of a 3-round boxing match between the defendant and a kangaroo.

"Go Fisch" - Mondays at 9:00 on NBC - A touching drama starring David Morse as Bertram Fisch, a mild mannered man who must overcome his paralyzing fear of driving through green lights.

And now, A Message From George W. Bush:
Bush: "We must begin by recognizing / we cannot / fix the problems created by / my presidency."
Yes, we edited these random lines by the President together to make him say something you wouldn't normally hear him say. I was typing something up on my typewriter at the time and I have to say, it sounded great! Not a dip or slip or a skip in the whole thing. It really sounded as if he said it. Great piece of editing.

WHO SAID IT?
#1. "We've got to escape from this capsized ship!"
Paul guesses it must be one of the passengers from the film, "Poseidon."
Nope. It's every member of the Bush Administration.

#2. "The madman must not be allowed to proceed! He must be stopped."
Paul: "Condoleeza Rice in Iran?"
Nope. It's Kenny Rogers talking about his plastic surgeon.

#3. "I am aware of the risks, but I have decided to make another run for the border anyway."
Paul: "An illegal immigrant on the way to Arizona."
Nope. It's Dick Cheney on the way to Taco Bell.

#4. "Britney Spears and I are expecting a baby."
Paul: "Kevin Federline, also known as K-Fed."
Nope. Oddly enough, Merv Griffin.

"Mystic Taylor" - Saturday at 10:00 on CBS - A gifted tailor with psychic ability, played by Frank Langella, helps his customers in need, thanks to his ability to foresee danger by touching the inseams of their pants.

And now once again, TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS We see a female intern opening her acceptance letter to the internship program. She narrates: "When I learned I got an internship at the Late Show, I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to see what goes on behind the scenes at a late night talk show. Unfortunately, all we've done so far is attend mandatory Scientology lectures. Man, this place is creepy."

"Tennessee Williams" - Monday at 9:00 on CBS - The inhabitants of Williams, Tennessee wake up one morning to discover everyone in town is suddenly dyslexic

TOP TEN: Signs the Government is Spying On You.
#9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes.
#3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico."

BRUCE WILLIS: He's the voice of RJ the Raccoon in the new animated feature (don't say ‘cartoon') entitled "Over the Hedge." Bruce enters wearing chain and handcuffs. He is here to break the record that David Blaine could not break. Bruce plans to hold his breath under water for 9 minutes. Behind the scrim is our Will It Float tank. Bruce explains what he will attempt. When he fears he cannot hold his breath any longer, he will signal Dave to come save him. We put up the 9-minute clock. Bruce is ready. We are ready. Bruce jumps into the Will It Float tank and submerges himself. The clock ticks down. We can see Bruce holding his breath while under water. The clocks ticks ticks ticks. Suddenly, Bruce begins to panic. He signals for Dave to come get him out of the tank. Dave must have been going over some show notes because he was delayed in coming over. Bruce is how waving frantically. Dave moseys on over to the tanks and finally reaches in and lifts Bruce from this extremely dangerous stunt. Bruce gasps, "How long . . . how long was . . . I under for?" Dave looks at the clock and says "20 seconds." Bruce mishears Dave and exclaims with surprise, "20 minutes!" Dave says again, "No, Bruce, 20 seconds." Bruce is too excited to hear and is a bit surprised he smashed the record by so much. Dave again tells Bruce it's 20 seconds and not 20 minutes. It finally dawns on Bruce that he did not break the record, not even close.
Some records are made to be broken. Some records are made not to be broken. All records are made to be attempted to be broken.
Bruce's daughter is about to attend college at USC. Any advice for high school graduates about to enter college?
"Study hard, and try to come from wealthy parents."
Bruce has a new item on the market. I was unaware of his entrepreneurial bent. He's developed the Robo Bruce. It's one of those automatic vacuum cleaners that you turn on and leave alone. It then runs around the house on its own, vacuuming up as it goes. It's about the size of a Frisbee and right on top you place the motorized ball, or something. And this motorized ball has the image of Bruce Willis. Bruce demonstrates his new product. After seeing the product function, I suspect the item is only good if your house is already clean. Robo Bruce - look for it in Sharper Image and Hammlacher Schlemmer.
"Over the Hedge" - it opens Friday.

ACT 5: We see Alan take a pint bottle of Smirnoff from his jacket breast pocket. It unscrews the cap and takes a swig from the half-empty bottle. The sad-looking man, looking nowhere in particular, puts the bottle back in this pocket.

GOLDFRAPP: From their new CD, "Sunpernature," Goldfrapp performed "Lost Cause."

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 17, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Something new: the first installment of the Wahoo Gazette's "It Sounds Too Logical . . . . so it must be wrong"
So we have an oil crisis on our hands. What can we do? I went to one of those Jiffy Lubes the other day. Got my oil changed. The little reminder-sticker they put in the corner of my windshield has me returning for my next oil change in 3,000 miles. 6 months ago when I got my same car inspected by my mechanic at the nearby garage, I got an oil change too. My mechanic put an oil change reminder-sticker in the corner of my windshield to return for my next oil change in 5,000 miles. I then checked the owner's manual for my car. It recommended an oil change every 7,000 miles. So let's get the information out there that you don't need to change the oil in your car every 3,000 miles. You only have to do it half the time, like once every 6,000 miles, or even 7,000 miles. We save money. We use less oil.
This concludes the first installment of the Wahoo Gazette's "It Sounds Too Logical . . . . so it must be wrong."

Just a note: "Over the Hedge" and "The Da Vinci Code" open Friday. They are both fiction.

Has Jimmy Hoffa been found? The labor leader vanished in 1975 and declared dead in 1982. His body has never been found, but rumors and tips have led police to a farm in Michigan. Excavation has begun. Is he buried there? We may soon found out.
Other rumors of the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa: from today's USA Today
-Buried under one of the end zones in Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey (gives new meaning to the "coffin corner")
-Dumped near the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in New York City
-Buried in a 100-acre gravel pit in Highland, Michigan
-Buried in a field in Waterford Township, Michigan
-Sealed in a drum I Kearny, New Jersey, set on fire, then placed in the trunk of a car sold for scrap metal
-Encased in the foundation of a public works garage in Cadillac, Michigan
-Cremated in an incinerator or crushed in a compactor in Hamtramck, Michigan
-Still alive after running off to Brazil with a go-go dancer
-Starring in a WB sitcom for the past 7 years.

Yankees are in a bit of trouble. Their outfielders Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui are out injured, and Matsui is expected to be out for 3 months. The Yankees are panicked. But ask most any Yankee fan and they want to go with the kids, Bubba Crosby and Melky Cabrera. We don't want another all-star filling in. And Clemens . . . not too many want him either. Most fans want to go with what we got. . . . that is, until the team drops to 4th place.