IMMIGRANT SUCCESS STORIES: With all the controversy about immigration, we thought it would be good to introduce a new feature, called, “Immigrant Success Stories.”
Announcer: “Arnold Schwarzenegger came to the United States from Austrian 1968 and became an American citizen in 1983. In addition to his well-known achievements in bodybuilding, film, and politics, he did this . . .” We see a clip of a younger Arnold enjoying the ladies in the much-ignored “Carnival in Rio.”

PAT FARMER’S “SURPRISE! YOU’RE ON TV!” – Everyone loves hilarious hidden camera shows and we’re no exception. That’s the reason for his next segment, “Pat Farmer’s ‘Surprise! You’re on TV!’” We watch.
We see a guy exiting the nearby Jamba Juice juice restaurant. He is holding a tray of Smoothies. Suddenly, Pat emerges with a baseball bat and hits the guy right in the nuts. The guy crumbles to the ground. Pat kneels next to him and points at the camera, “Surprise! You’re on TV!”

Graduation should be a happy time, but apparently it’s not happy for everyone. We take a look at a strange commercial Dave came across the other day.
Announcer: “Have you recently attended a high school or college graduation? Have you been injured by a flying hat? Every year, over 100,000 Americans are injured or killed by thrown mortarboards. If you or someone you love has been hurt by a graduate’s tossed mortarboard, call the personal injury law firm of Vogel & Rogers. We specialize in injury cases involving flat, square hats . . . and we get results. We also take tri-corner hat cases from Colonial-era re-enactments. Get the compensation you deserve. Contact the law firm of Vogel & Rogers – the Pointy Hat Injury People.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR’s “ . . . the only thing we have to fear” speech. We hear JFK’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. We hear George W. Bush’s speech. He stumbles looking for the right word. Actually, any word would do. Unfortunately, it’s not coming.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS: Dave’s pal at the Census bureau sent some interesting facts he thought Dave might like for the show. It offers a glimpse of what people are doing and thinking across the United States.
- There is a city named “Rome” on every continent
- The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
- “Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel
- Columbia University offers 20% off Med School tuition to students who bring their own cadaver.
- Ed Peterson, the inventor of the Egg McMuffin, died choking on an Eggo Waffle.
- The highest rated television show of all time was ‘The Facts of Life’ episode where Tootie gets new roller skates.
- The 1952 Summer Olympics were postponed due to high pollen
- The record for Academy Award nominations is 14, shared by “Titanic” and “Meatballs 2”
- Napoleon’s last word was “squat.” (Dave’s delivery sounded a lot like Johnny Carson on this one)
- Orson Welles was buried alive
- In ancient Egypt, a man’s wealth was determined by the length of his tongue.
- Montana is the only state where horseplay is illegal
- The most popular tourist destination in the world: The Bay of Fundy
- Mae West and Adolf Hitler had the same driving instructor
- In 1788, Benjamin Franklin published the world’s first erotic almanac
- No word in the English language rhymes with the word ‘Brick”
- The first present ever gift-wrapped was a bicycle horn
- Crepe paper has no purpose or use
- The only flammable pudding is tapioca
- No one can name another Hun besides Attila
- Former President Jimmy Carter has mob connections
- Only 4 people have ever obtained the express written consent of Major League Baseball - Idaho’s state motto is “Straight Up Chillin”
- The most misspelled word in the English language is “carpet.”
- Eight out of ten Federal Express delivery men are named “Wayne”
- President Millard Fillmore was an asshole.

And now another installment of PAT FARMER’S “SURPRISE! YOU’RE ON TV!” – An elevator opens. We see Pat Farmer inside. Another fellow enters. Before the door closes, we see Pat reach for something. It is a baseball bat. Pat hits the unsuspecting guy in the nuts with the baseball bat. The guy crumbles to the floor. Pat kneels down next to the guy in agony, points to the camera and says, “Surprise! You’re on TV!”

JOHNNY DARK – At 39, he’s the oldest Page at CBS. Dave likes to chat with the fellow every now and then to see how things are going. Dave introduces Mr. Dark.
Johnny enters.
Dave: “So, Johnny, do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?”
Johnny: “What?”
Dave: “Do you enjoy your 39 years as a Page?”
Johnny: (beat) “ooooh, kill me, Jesus.”
Dave: “You have a new segment for our show. What’s it called?”
Johnny: “A Minute with Johnny Dark.”
Dave: “Getting good feedback?”
Johnny: “Feedback? . . . . . No.”
We watch “A Minute with Johnny Dark.” We find Johnny sitting at his desk in his office smoking a cigarette.
Johnny: “Listen up, A-holes, enough with the preaching about Britney’s parenting skills. I don’t give a crap if her baby was driving. The baby was probably the only sober one in the car. Look, the only photo I wanna see is of me in Britney’s lap . . . . driving her home, if you know what I’m saying. Punch hands! (Johnny hits fists) I’m sick of all the spying being done by these sleazy organizations --- U.S. Weekly”, “The National Enquirer”, the Bush Administration . . .”
Johnny picks up the nearby phone: “Hey, NSA guy .. . SHOVE THAT WIRETAP UP YOUR NOSY ASS!
And do we really need immigration reform? We’re all amigos here. I mean, come on! If the boarders are sealed, how’s a guy supposed to get his Mexican boner pills?
That’s it, I’m done. . . . . (beat) . . . . (looking under his desk). . . . you, too. Hours up. . . .”
A pretty and curvaceous female appears from under his desk and exits.

And that’s Johnny Dark.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item: a gallon glass jar of peppers. Dave quickly says, “Float. Float. Float. Float. Paul goes the other way and leans towards “Sink.” To sum up, Dave says he and Paul both say “Sink.” Paul corrects Dave, pointing out that he said “Float.” Dave decides to stick with “Sink.” The LATE SHOW models drop the glass gallon jar of peppers into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS

BILL MAHER: From HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher. It is in its 4th season and it's on hiatus till August 25th. He also has a new show on the internet coming out on June 1st, called, “Amazon Fishbowl with Bill Maher.” Wow! A show on the internet. Who knew Bill Maher was such a technology wonk. Bill steps in and makes it clear he has no idea whatsoever about what a computer does. Only a year ago did he start getting e-mail. He thought e-mail was very passive aggressive, for those who want to communicate with people without having to talk to them. Once Bill got a taste of the w-mail, he loves the fact that he can communicate with people without having to talk to them. It’s like when he places a phone call. He gets mad when he doesn’t get the machine. Who wants to talk to people? People can talk back!
What he has learned about technology is that technology doesn’t work. Your iPod doesn’t hold a charge, cell phones are constantly dropping out, and your computer can be hacked by a 19-year-old pimple face.
What does Bill think about the government’s wiretapping on its citizens? Bill says this may surprise some but he’s not all that against it. Bill lives in Los Angeles. 40% of incoming shipping comes through Los Angeles. If someone bad guy wants to slip a bomb into the U.S. via ship, there’s a good chance it may come through Los Angeles.
Bill is a bit surprised that Dave doesn’t have a home out west. He mentions Dave’s old red pick-up truck which Dave proudly says he still has.
Does Bill have any interest in running for politics? Bill says he would never run because he would be the easiest person in the world to knock out of a race. All anyone would have to do is show one of his “Real Time” programs and it wouldn’t be long before you would hear him say that religion is bad and drugs are good. Although that platform could get him a few votes, it probably wouldn’t be enough to win.
“Real Time with Bill Maher” – HBO, coming back on August 25th. “Amazon Fishbowl with Bill Maher” – on the internet beginning June 1st.

RITA WILSON: She’s in town rehearsing for her debut in the Broadway musical, “Chicago” scheduled for June 12th. She’s spending a lot of time around the house rehearsing, to the annoyance of her children. She’s learned something about theater . . . never mention a certain Shakespearian Scottish play while inside a theater. It’s bad bad luck. It’s the play with the line, “Out, out, damn spot!” at the end. Dave asks, “Is it ‘Macbeth’?” Rita screams out in fright, “Noooooooo!”

I went to see the musical “Chicago” on Broadway a few years ago. The tickets were a Christmas present and we were to go with another couple in April. We carpooled and the whole way in Tim, a city fireman, was softly singing, “”25 or 6 to 4.” Finally his wife growled, “Tim, why are you singing that?!” He explained he was just getting in to the mood for the show. His wife snapped, “Ass, we’re going to see ‘Chicago’ the Broadway musical, not the singing group!” I laughed. For four months he thought we were going to see Chicago the group.

ACT 5: “It’s time for another installment of ‘What’s in Alan Kalter’s Jacket Pocket?’”
Alan: “Hi, I’m former child star Alan Kalter. What’s in my pocket tonight?” (Alan reaches in) “Shredded lettuce! Hey, shut-ins, don’t forget to eat three servings of lettuce a day. This has been ‘What’s in Alan Kalter’s Jacket Pocket?’ See you ‘round the watercooler, bitches!” (Alan eats the shredded lettuce)

And that was our show for Friday May 26, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Monday is Memorial Day. You’ll go to sleep Monday night and when you wake up, it’ll be Labor Day. Don’t let that happen. Do something with your summer. How will you remember the Summer of ’06?

My weekend plans include a camping trip to the Catskills with family and friends. I’ll be pitching a tent while everyone else has one of those pop-up trailers. The tent sleeps 8 and weighs around 15 pounds. Growing up I had a tent that slept 4 and it weighed 80 pounds. I like the old ones better. Good heavy canvas instead of the lightweight nylon. (nylon?) There’s about a 30-year gap in my camping days and I hope I remember everything. The only thing I remember so far is to bring lots and lots of rope. And a bottle opener. No, wait! Bottles are twist-offs now. Good. I can pack lighter.

I received an e-mail the other day from Nancy Elliot of Indianapolis, Indiana. She writes that the Indianapolis 500 is blacked out on TV in Indianapolis to promote the locals to attend. Is that true? And what if the event is sold out . . . is it still blacked out?

Monday is Memorial Day. When barbecuing and beaching, take a moment to remember the reason for the holiday.

Next week’s Previously Viewed LATE SHOW Programs.
Here’s your chance to see them again for the very first time!
Monday: From May 10 #2552: Jason Lee and Jack Hanna
Tuesday: From May 4, #2548: Julia Roberts and Pearl Jam – and Rejected FDA Products
Wednesday: From May 5, #2549: Vince Vaughn and KT Tunstall – and Pinata of Mystery.
Thursday: From May 2, #2546: Tom Cruise and Jaimie Oliver
Friday: From May 1, #2545: Tom Hanks and Kanye West – and Andy Kindler at the Unclaimed Luggage Center.

Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.