Wednesday night was the big finale to American Idol. On Tuesday night they had a special look back on the past winners of the Idol. Dave thought they did a very nice job. We see:
Ruben Studdard performing.
Kelly Clarkson performing.
Dave Letterman, 1983, singing “Camptown Races” while playing the violin.

IMMIGRANT SUCCESS STORIES: So much has been said about immigrant to American lately, not all good. We decided to shine the light on those who have come to our country and excelled.
Announcer: (over shots of Madeleine Albright) Madeleine Albright was born in 1937 in Czechoslovakia and came to the United States in 1948. Her distinguished career in political science and international relations culminated in her becoming the first female Secretary of State in 1997. Ms. Albright has always conducted herself with great dignity in public, unlike fellow immigrant Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
We cut to Arnold Schwarzenegger from his critically ignored “Carnival in Rio.” He is teaching a lovely woman the art of English. He places a carrot in the woman’s mouth and says, “Repeat after me . . . . ‘biting.” She says “biting.” “Again,” says Arnold, this time slowly pushing the carrot in and out of her mouth. Sheesh. Dave grins and mutters, “There he is, the Governor of California.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR’s “ . . . the only thing we have to fear” speech. We hear JFK’s “ask not what your country can do for you” speech. We hear George W. Bush’s speech about vegetables. It went something like this:
“Look, I didn’t like to eat vegetables either when I was a kid, but you gotta eat ‘em. They’re good for you. . . . . so I ate ‘em. Vegetables are good for you . . . . . and so too are fruits.”

Do you realize that Christmas is just seven months away! Even more alarming, the kids are almost out of school and they’ll need to be amused over summer vacation. That’s why we thought tonight we’d show some of the hot new toys that are on the market.
- He’s turned a folksy style and a fake diploma into a self-help empire. Now your kids can act out their issues and neuroses with this: “The Dr. Phil Show Playset.” We see a little Dr. Phil doll with another guest doll. We see the Dr. Phil doll with the words, “Lay off the pie, tubby!” or something like that.
- America’s favorite fashion doll has a problem . . . and you little girl can help her. She’ll love trying to shape the ideal nose with: “Rhinoplastic Barbie.” We see a large Barbie head with a huge clay-like nose. “Rhinoplastic Barbie” comes with a scalpel and various interchangeable noses.
- All the trashy drama of daytime talk shows come right into your home with this educational toy: “Maury’s ‘Who’s Your Baby’s Daddy?’ Home DNA Kit.” We see a small plastic lab with a few vials of blood. Dave presses a button and one of the blood vials spins and shakes. Does the DNA match? (Remember when the Wahoo Gazette used to take a daily look at the morning talk shows to see how many were doing paternity tests? Oh, that was at least 3 years ago.)
- There’s nothing worse for kids than a toy that’s too complicated. Frustration sets in and self-esteem plummets. That won’t happen with this elegantly simply: “2-Piece Puzzle.” Dave opens the box and assembles the 2-piece puzzle. Hey, look, it kitties!
- Great toys don’t have to cost a lot. The young cartoon fan in your house will sort of appreciate this inexpensive: “SpongeBob SquarePants Aciton Figure.” It’s nothing but a yellow sponge with a face drawn on. It’s a great toy for moms, too!
- Do you remember Mr. Potato Head? Well, he’s got a new friend that will provide hours of creative delight. It’s “Mr. Potato Foot.” We see a potato with 5 little potato toes. Dave takes the potato toes and sticks them onto the potato. See? That was fun!
- Kids of all ages love toys that fly. Get ready for real airborne simian excitement with: “The Flying Monkey.” Dave places the stuffed monkey doll on the desk. The flying monkey doll comes with flappable wings. Dave grabs the remote control and points and press. But nothing happens. He makes a quick adjustment but again, nothing. Dave bangs the remote, shakes it, points and press, but still nothing. And disappointed Dave says, “You should have seen it during rehearsal!” All attempts to make the monkey fly end in failure.
- Parents, are you tired of telling the little ones, ‘Don’t eat the Play-Doh?” Now you don’t have to, thanks to: “Non-toxic edible Play-Doh, in Beef, Chicken, and Bacon Flavors.” Dave opens the three and eats one. He tosses a Play-Doh ball to Paul. Paul asks, “Is this the chicken?” Dave replies, “I would never send you bacon.” Paul bites into a Play-Doh and says, “Tastes like chicken.”
- Many parents believe their childhood should get a realistic, unsentimental vision of the world. This grim toy does just that. It’s the: “Lifelike Teddy Bear.” Dave holds up the stuffed teddy bear. It has gnarling sharp teeth from which blood drips. Its claws are equally as sharp.
- Here’s a toy that combines fascinating surgical procedures with the intrigue of national politics. It’s the classic: “Operation” game with Dick Cheney as the patient. Dave opens the box to find it’s Dick Cheney as the operation figure. There is only one item to work on: the heart. Dave tries to operate, but the buzz buzzes when he clumsily attempts the heart’s removal.
- Youngsters will enjoy this classic toy with a new twist --- actually, they have to do the twisting themselves. Dave holds up a long, mangled thin piece of steel wire. It’s the: “Make Your Own Slinky.”

And that is the New Toys for summer and Christmas.

As Dave throws to commercial, suddenly from the balcony can be heard the cries of a damsel in distress. The camera searches for the crying dame. There we see hanging from the balcony is a woman. She’s crying out, “Hey, Regis, you fathead! You mother ‘givl’er!” over and over again. She then lets go and falls to the ground. Luckily she thought ahead and had herself tethered by a bungee cord. Dave looks confused and does what any man does when he is confused . . . . . he looks for Biff for help. Biff, along with Pat Farmer, arrives with a ladder to help the kook down.

I make a suggestion for later in the show. My suggestion gets things moving. I was to do a voiceover during the ACT 5 because Alan is scheduled to die a little later in the show. I would step in for the ACT 5 voiceover. I mention, “What if we don’t do the Alan thing tonight? Shouldn’t he do the ACT 5 then, since he won’t be dead?” I hated to say this because I was taking money out of my own pocket, but for the good of the team, I thought it was the only thing to do. So changes were made to the script, and it would no longer be a voiceover but spoken in front of the camera. The script had to be put on cue cards. The changes were made and copies had to be made. Unfortunately, the copier in the shack, a copier older than many Wahoo readers, was not working. Our backup copier laughed at me when I tried to get it to run. For the next two ACTS, I was working on the copier.

Back from commercial we see the successful rescue. We then threw her out to the Broadway curb. Dave exclaims, “That’s some good looking woman. Did you get a look at her?”

Dave tries one more time to get the flying monkey flying. We put in new batteries. They must have run out during rehearsal. But again, nothing. A frustrated Dave throws the flying monkey through the window behind him. I’ve done the same many times on Christmas morning.

TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS: An internship at the LATE SHOW... A glamorous job? Some may think so, but it’s not always the case. We taped some of their tales on the job.
We see an intern distributing the weekly paychecks. We can hear his thoughts.
Intern: “It was pay day, so I spent the afternoon distributing staff members’ paychecks. Midway through the task, I stumbled across Dave’s paycheck. I knew I shouldn’t but I was dying to know what CBS paid him per week.” The intern ganders a peek inside the envelope. We see the amount on the check: “$250.”
The intern thinks aloud, “He’s still overpaid if you ask me.”

TOP TEN: Perks of Being Inducted Into Canada’s Walk of Fame – On June 3rd in Toronto, our very popular Paul Shaffer is being inducted into Canada’s Walk of Fame! The Walk of Fame celebrates Canadians who have excelled in the Arts, Entertainment, and Sports. Also being inducted this year includes:
Eugene Levy, Robert Goulet, Alex Trebek; Pamela Anderson, and Branden Fraser.
The ceremony will air on Canadian TV on the 4th.
Congratulations, Paul.
#8. Get name engraved on a walk that’s covered in snow 300 days a year.
#7. Box seats to all Expos home games.
#3. Let’s see, a celebration in Canada? Yeah, I think you might be able to get a beer or two.
#2. Free haircuts for a year.

And now another installment of TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS:
We see a couple interns gathering files. We hear the male intern’s thoughts:
“It was my second week on the job. I still couldn’t believe I was interning at the Late Show. Then it happened. I had my first encounter with the one and only Paul Shaffer. I’ll never forget that moment.”
The two interns are walking down the hall. Paul says hello as he approaches. The intern with a stack of files accidentally brushes against Paul as he passes. Paul turns and screams, “Watch where you’re going, you dumb mother-‘givl’er”

Jennifer Aniston was up next after the commercial. Right about here I sensed we were running over time. Checking the show’s routine, I saw the clock on the wall was much later than what it should be on the schedule. We would have to shorten up for the 2nd half of the show. One sure way of cutting back is to write-up a shorter ACT 5 audience shot. I suggested we put the “flying” monkey on a filament and have it flying around Dave while Dave points the remote control. That idea went into the works. Two things were now in progress. The original ACT 5 was getting put on cue cards. We were also finding out if we could get the monkey flying in 10 minutes. Plus, I was still working on the copier. Through all this, I barely saw our next guest.

JENNIFER ANISTON: She’s in the new film, The Break-Up, with Vince Vaughn. It opens June 2nd. Jennifer is great rumor fodder for the tabloids. Dave reads some rumors reported and gets Jennifer’s reaction.
- Dating Vince Vaughn
- Oprah's going to pay for $8 million wedding for Jennifer and Vince Vaughn
- Actually dating wrestling tycoon Vince McMahon
- Jennifer wants to start a family this year
- Jennifer is moving to Chicago
- She bought Mr. T’s house
- Has problem with sleep walking
- Can hold her breath underwater for 9 minutes

Dave takes a moment to say, “I hope someone at the house is Tivo-ing this because I can’t stop looking at this shot.” The obvious shot Dave is talking about is the lovely legs shown by Ms. Aniston. We get beautiful guests here at the Late Show all the time. Someone mentioned to me before Jennifer Aniston came on that she has the best legs he’s ever seen.
Jennifer Aniston – in The Break-Up – it opens June 2nd.

Like I said, I missed most of this.

ACT 5: Dave is operating the flying monkey. We finally got it working. Actually, it was a better illusion than Criss Angel’s.

ROB ZOMBIE: From his new CD, “Educated Horses,” Rob Zombie performed “America Witch.” Now there’s some head-banging music! Lots of loud.

And that was our show for Wednesday May 24, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Carnegie Hall was a success. During the day on Wednesday, I hustled over the Carnegie Hall just a few blocks away to see my daughter perform. Yes, my Danielle performed on stage of the world famous Carnegie Hall. She played the recorder. Carnegie Hall has developed a program to get school kids interested in the classical music. About 30 students from Danielle’s school were chosen to play their recorders. Another 50 from another school were chosen to sing along. And another 30 from a third school were chosen to play the violin. And in front of them all was a 70-piece orchestra of strings, percussion, woodwinds, and brass. The audience was filled with students from the schools and a smattering of parents. The conductor entered and was very enthusiastic, holding an obvious love of classical music and of children. You could hear the joy in his heart sing out as he described and introduced each piece. It was all pretty cool. And it got me out of work for two hours. Denise and I were very proud parents to see our little girl on the Carnegie stage. And I have no doubt of Danielle’s eyesight. The second Denise and I stepped inside the back entrance to the auditorium, Danielle was waving to us trying to get out attention. It was a very nice job done by the children and a very nice job by Carnegie Hall.

Outfielders tend to be the best hitting players on a team, so it was a rare oddity the other night when the Yankees played the Red Sox and the #7, 8, and 9 batters in the Yankee lineup were outfielders.
#7. Bernie Williams
#8. Melke Cabrera
#9. Terrance Long
The Yankees lost.

I talked my garage sale experiences over the weekend the other day. Writes Mike Reynolds of West Allis, Wisconsin:

“Regarding your garage sale---
The difference between garbage and a garage sale is ‘how far the stuff is placed from the curb’”

- “There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’”

“You were wrong when you wrote: “. . . there are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order. That is, you were wrong if you meant to imply there were ONLY two such words.
Thanks to the good people at http://members.aol.com/gulfhigh2/words6.html, I can tell you that other words with the five vowels occurring once each and in alphabetical order are: ABSTEINOUS, ABSTENIOUS, ABSTENTIOUS, ACERIFLORUM, ACERIFLORUS, ACHEILOUS, ACHEIROUS, ACLEISTOUS, ADVENTIOUS, AFFECTIOUS, ALEIKOUM, ALPESTRIOUS, ANEMIOUS, ANNELIDOUS, ARSENIOUS, ARTERIOSUM, ARTERIOSUS, ARTERIOUS, AVENIOUS, BACTERIOUS, CAESIOUS, CAMELIOUS, CARNELIOUS, FRACEDINOUS, GAREISOUN, GRAVEDINOUS, MAJESTIOUS, MATERIOUS, PARECIOUS, PLACENTIOUS, and TRAGEDIOUS. Finally, the longest word with the five vowels in alphabetical order is PHRAGELLIORHYNCHUS (a protozoan). Just tryin' to keep the go going –“