I was dressed and ready to go. Tonight I was to play an NSA agent listening in on the conversations of the audience. I was in a suit and tie and stationed up on the boom microphone. But my number was never called. I was all set to go, but . . . nothing. Dave was to introduce me as an agent and I was to give a short and professional wave, listening intently on my headphones. I was up there for the entire show. I think you can see me in the background during the 3rd Kid Scientist replay. And since I was not at my desk, but at the boom mic, I was unable to take notes during the show. The following is to the best of my recollection.

Dave has discovered the best way to get out of the house when you have no reason to get out of the house. Simply say you have to put air in the tires. It's for safety reasons. Who could say no to your wanting to promote safety? So Dave went out to put some air in his tires over the weekend. When Dave was a kid, air was free. Well, not any more. It's now 50 cents for three minutes, and no man alive can fill all four tires in 3 minutes. So Dave put the quarters in the slot and started to fill the tires. And then a woman drove up and squealed, "Oh, David Letterman!" Dave motions towards the greeting and extends his hand to shake. The woman says, "Oh, no, I heard you don't like to shake hands." Dave says he's fine with shaking hands. "I heard you're afraid of germs," she continues. Dave isn't afraid to shake hands and he isn't afraid of the germs. Dave says she must be thinking of Howie Mandel or something. My guess is she was thinking of Donald Trump. She continues, "And I read where you don't like to give out autographs." Dave says that's not true either. He would be happy to give her an autograph. She excites. Now she has to rummage through her car looking for something for Dave to sign. She finds a piece of paper and asks Dave to address it to her two children, Larry and Billy. Dave takes pen and paper and signs, "Dear Larry and Billy, Your mom is goofy. David Letterman." Dave sighs and says, "It's so much fun being me."

The networks weren't thrilled when President Bush scheduled a speech for tonight, since it disrupts a lot of the big stunts they've been promoting. Bit it looks like they're making the most of the situation.
Announcer:

"Tonight on NBC, it's a presidential speech like nothing you've ever seen before. Tune in as George W. Bush addresses the issue that's on everyone's mind . . . . recommending thrilling reforms to U.S. immigration policy. . . and outlining the tax and budgetary implications of his proposed legislation. And be sure to stick around for the explosive finale, as Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy give the Democratic response. Tonight at 8; 7 Central, only on NBC."

"The United States of America. You don't like us? Go 'givl' yourselves. The United States of America . . . . like we care."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear FDR's " . . . the only thing we have to fear" speech. We hear JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" speech. We hear George W. Bush's "And when appropriate, use a condom" speech.

NEW YORK TOURISM QUIZ
-(people carrying fake trees) "Savvy tourists know:
A) there's so much to do in midtown
B) New York is best seen on foot
C) If you want to see nature, you've gotta bring your own

-(girls taking pictures, one makes face) "After saving for a trip to New York, these girls were disappointed to learn:
A) "The Producers" is sold out
B) They're too young to get into any clubs
C) The guest on TRL is Regis

-(two guys sitting) "These men are getting to explore:
A) Rockefeller Center
B) The Museum of Modern Art
C) Each other

-(guy sitting in shoe shine booth reading newspaper) "The man in this shot is annoyed that:
A) Many museums are closed on Monday
B) The streets are so crowded at rush hour
C) There's not much privacy in the new pay toilets

-(B'Way TICKETS booth with two women who leave) "At this Broadway ticket outlet, this woman was overheard saying to her friend:
A) "How about a matinee?"
B) "Maybe something off-Broadway?"
C) "Let's get out of here --- all they have are Letterman tickets."

KID SCIENTISTS
#1. Nate Weeks: Nate has 2 sisters, Rachel and Sydney. Who runs the show at home, Nate or his sisters? Nate thinks and says, "The dog." Nate likes to swim and go camping. When Dave was Nate's age, he joined a gang.
What's Nate got for us? (Remember, I was up on the boom microphone so I missed much of this.) Nate showed how attempting to ignite a certain substance would end up unsuccessful because there is no oxygen inside the pile of stuff. But if we puff up the powdery substance with a Stomp Rocket pump and couple that with a flame, the substance will puff afire. Dave stomps and the huge fire puff quickly rises, then disappears.
#2. Ike Swetlitz: Dave asks, "How long have you been married?" It's one of Dave's familiar questions to the kids and never fails to get a laugh. What does Ike have for us? He's got a mallet, a PVC pipe, and a piece of wood bolted around the pipe. The pipe and wood looks like a cross. Dave will hold the pipe and bang down on one end. The force of the blow of the mallet forces the pipe down, but not the wood. After a few taps, the wood has moved up the pipe by a foot. This was an example of one of Newton's Laws.
#3. Emily Bonga: This summer she'll be spending time at her cottage in Michigan. Oooh, a cottage. Sounds nice. What's Emily got for us? We see a 2-litre bottle positioned on an apparatus. The bottle is half-filled with water. By pumping air into the sealed bottle, pressure will build and result in the 2-litre bottle shooting up like a rocket. This has to do with another one of Newton's Laws. The bottle is pumped with air and then flies into the air. Like a rocket. Very impressive. And when we look at the replay, I think you could see me in the background up on the boom microphone dressed in a suit.

WILLIAM SHATNER: He's Captain Kirk . . . and he's some guy on "Boston Legal." And he's an Emmy Award winner. After seeing the Kid Scientists, Dave asks Shatner if he was interested in science when he was a kid. William says he wasn't. He spent most of his time punching out the bullies. It wasn't very effective since there was always so much snow in Canada and everyone was heavily dressed, so any punching that went on was in slow motion.
Dave heard the William Shatner had a kidney stone removed. Shatner says it was very painful and was so glad to get it out that he asked if he could have the stone. Once he got the stone, someone suggested he could see it and make some money. So he put it on eBay . . . . and he got $75,000 for it. (It sometimes hurts my head when I try to figure some people out.) Shatner coupled his take with a donation from the cast of "Boston Legal" to the victims of Katrina and they sent nearly $100,000 in aid. That money now is building a home for someone in New Orleans. A kidney stone becomes a house.
And Shatner is the Amateur Roadster Horse to Bike World Champion. Huh? It's a horse race where the driver rides along in a chariot. We see a clip of Shatner in a warmup or warmdown before of after the race. Dave mentions that William was riding in a cart. Shatner says calling it a "cart" minimizes the excitement and thrill and danger of the event. Yeah, but it's still a cart.
Will Shatner in "Boston Legal" - the season finale is Tuesday night.

Back from commercial, Dave hears a noise coming from Alan Kalter's area. We cut to Alan to see him in mortal combat with the fierce Gorn, a creature-like creature from the Gorn in "Star Trek." They are fiercely battling with "American Gladiator"-style sticks with soft, pillow-like cushions on each end. The Gorn overtakes Alan, knocking him to the ground. Alan checks his lip and finds blood. Alan overacts and says, "My God, my own blood. Not . . . much . . time. Must . . . get . . . phaser." Like a good Gorn, the creature allows Alan enough time to get the his phaser. Alan points the phaser at the Gorn and fires. Gorn is stunned and falls to the ground. Alan triumphantly rises from the ashes and places his foot on the Gorn's chest. Alan exhorts, "I've done far worse than kill you; I have hurt you! And I shall go on hurting you, you green-blooded son-of-a-bitch!"
Dave is confused; bewildered. He asks, "Alan, that the hell is going on?"
Alan: "Just doing my Pilates, Dave."

ACT 5: "It's time for another Late Show Audience Factoid." The camera pans the wide Late Show Audience. Suddenly the camera stops and an arrow points out an audience member.
"This guy's a prick.
This has been a Late Show Audience Factoid. When you're here, you're family."

ANGELS & AIRWAVES: Making their network television debut, from their CD, "We Don't Need to Whisper," Angels & Airwaves performed "The Adventure."

And that was our show for Monday, May 15, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I may be totally wrong here but it seems that the President usually saves his big speeches for television's Sweeps period. Sweeps are the most important time for the networks as they set their advertising rates based on the ratings they get for their programs during this time. There is a big emphasis on getting good numbers during November, February, and May; the 3 Sweeps months. The network heads want everything perfect and nothing to interrupt this period. I know he had two major televised speeches in November which bothered those in the TV business.

Here now, an episode of "My Cynical and Suspicious Nature":
President Bush makes his big speeches during these months knowing the networks will not "waste" time discussing the speech. The networks will want to get back to regular programming as soon as possible to get the important rating numbers. . . . and each network will want to be the first one back to their regular programming. This will result in little or no analysis of what the President just said. . . . and that's what the President wants.
This concludes another episode of: "My Cynical and Suspicious Nature."

To tell you the truth, I was on the road during the speech and missed the pre-game and post-game.

I'm about to repeat myself but here goes anyway. I was watching a bit of the Mets/Brewers game the other day. Brewers are up, bases loaded, two outs. The Brewer hits the pitch into the left-centerfield gap for a basehit. Will the centerfielder cut off the ball before it goes to the wall? We don't know because we get a shot of the guy on 3rd base walking across homeplate. We were given the shot for those who may not realize that a guy on third will score on a base hit. Back to the ball in the outfield. We now see the ball bouncing and running along the outfield fence. Apparently the centerfielder could not cut the ball off. It rolled all the way to the wall. One of the Met outfielders is chasing the rolling ball down. Will he pick it up cleanly? We don't know because we now get a shot of the Brewer from 2nd base walking across homeplate. I'm guessing we got that shot for those who don't realize a man on 2nd will score on an extra base hit. Back to the outfielder and the ball. I guess he picked it up cleanly because he was throwing it in to the cutoff man. Will the relay go smoothly and create a possible play at the plate to get the guy from first trying to score? We don't know because we cut to the guy from first running for home. This was for those who may think a guy trying to score from first on an extra base hit might skip or hop instead of run the bases. Without a wide angle to allow us to see the play develop, we lose the entire perspective of what is taking place on the field.
When the ball left the bat and landed for a hit, 3 questions needed to be addressed:
1. Will it get past the outfielder? We don't see it.
2. Will the ball be fielded cleanly? We don't see it.
3. Will the relay go smoothly? We don't see it.

What we know immediately after the hit.
1. The guy on 3rd will score. We see what is a given.
2. when the ball gets past the outfielder, the guy from 2nd will score. We are shown the given.
3. with two outs, a guy from first base will likely attempt to score. Whether it's a close play will depend a lot on the relay. Instead of seeing the relay unfold, we see the guy from first running around 3rd base. We are shown the given.

If you're scoring at home, mark that down as 3 errors for the director.

Let's see . . .
- one of the best coaches in NBA history in Larry Brown;
- a general manager in Isiah Thomas with front office failure at the top of this resume...
- conclusion: it must be the coach's fault.
Welcome to the circus called the New York Knicks.