Tonight on 53rd Street we have something special. From the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, it’s Motorcycle Mania. Here to tell us about it is Jennifer Fuentes, ringmaster and songstress from Ringling.
Dave offers her a big “Hello.”
Jennifer responds, “Hi, Paul!”
Huh?
We learn that Jennifer and Paul met before the show and exchanged greetings. She still had Paul on the mind. She introduces the Globe of Motorcycle Mania and describes what will take place. 7 guys on motorcycles will ride inside the globe, traveling 65 mph and within 4 inches of each other. And how big is the globe? “16 inches in diameter,” says Jennifer. OK, it was an obvious slip of the tongue. After a little back and forth, Dave asks again what the diameter is of the Globe. Jennifer again says “16 inches.” Dave mutters, “Well, that’s more snug than I expected.”
Are the drivers in peril? Is it dangerous? Are their lives in danger? She says, “I’m in no position to save a life but we have a fire extinguisher standing by.”
And what is her role with the circus? Jennifer is a narrator and songstress for Ringling Brothers. And she did not say it but she was one of the 30 finalists in the 2nd season of American Idol.
Dave says the 7 drivers are comprised of the Torres brothers, consisting of 5 brothers, a cousin, and a friend of the family. Paul laughs and says, “Just like the Beach Boys! One is Al Jardine?”
I said to myself, “Who is Al Jardine?” (Uh oh, here we go again)

While the Torres family prepares for their motorcycle mania, Dave has a show to put on.

Did you watch the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? Barbaro was the big winner, ridden by jockey Edgar Prado. And we are lucky enough to have Edgar here tonight. Dave introduces the winning jockey, and out comes a chubby Prado riding a 10-speed bicycle. He rides across stage and out through the back of the stage. Says Dave, “That joke only works when we pretend it’s Lance Armstrong.”

The White House recently released its bird flu pandemic plan. The plan really shows how unprepared we are as a nation in the event of an outbreak within the United States. We at the LATE SHOW have our own plan. We take a look.
We hear powerful music.
Footage of chickens in coops.
Footage of people in hazmat suits.
Over the footage, graphics fly in: “The”… “Late”… “Show”… “Bird”… “Flu”… “Plan”…
Back to Dave: “Unfortunately, that’s all we got so far.”

Dave tosses a blue card behind him and it lands on the façade in the background. According to Dave, that’s never happened in the 58 years of the show. I’m not saying I don’t believe him, but I’ll be looking it up.

Dave has a brainstorm. “We should get the guy on the bicycle in there, in the Globe of Motorcycle Mania.” It’s his show and so the wheels start turning.

HAROLD LARKIN’S CELEBRITY IMPRESSIONS: We sent our head carpenter Harold Larkin out to the street of Manhattan to ask people if they can do a celebrity impression. Everyone thinks they can do at least one. We get:
Mr. T
John Wayne.
A guy who can do impression but can’t think of anyone just yet. Christopher Walken. Sounds nothing like Christopher Walken. Arnold Schwarzenegger. And a bevy of Schwarzenegger’s from throughout the day.
More of the guy trying to think of someone to impersonate.
George Bush.
Bill Cosby.
Paris Hilton
Some guy doing “Diggety diggety diggety diggety.”
The guy who can’t think of anyone. “I usually can think of someone to do. This is my field.”
Paul Shaffer.
Regis Philbin.
Regis Philbin eating ribs.
And the guy again who can’t think of anyone to do.

Back from commercial, we see the mob of people gathering to witness the Globe of Motorcycle Mania. Dave exclaims, “There must be 80-85 people out there.”

We’ve decided to include some educational segments on our show. That’s the reason behind this new series, called, “How Things Work! With Pat Farmer.”
We see Pat standing backstage in front of a TV set.
Pat: “Hi, everyone. Ever wonder how a television works? We simple press a button and we instantly have hundreds of channels at our disposal. But where do these pictures come from? Is it magic? (laughs) No, it is not magic, but it is pretty darn interesting, I can tell you that. So, why are we sitting here? Let’s travel inside a television and see what makes it work.”
Through an effect, Pat is sucked into the television. Suddenly, the television begins to spark and smoke. It then explodes. We hear Pat scream. Blood appears and begins dripping from the top of the set.

Dave calms us by telling us he thinks Pat will be OK. The fact that he was able to scream was a good sign.

TOP TEN: Questions George W. Bush Asked the New CIA Director:
#10. “How many national security threats can you ignore per minute?”
#5. “Is Cialis right for you?”
#4. “Can you explain what the hello is happening on ‘Lost’?”

Back to Jennifer Fuentes. Dave asks a lot of questions about the Globe and the drivers. Jennifer, the narrator, keeps her answers short with a simple “Yes.” She then explains her error earlier in the show. Jennifer says, “Earlier when I said ’16 inches,’ it was because I was so excited to meet Paul.” DOH! Of course, this led to a lot of fun . . . . and some explaining tonight when Paul got home.

DEREK JETER: Derek Jeter, shortstop and captain of the New York Yankees. And quite a dresser! So much more natty than teammate Johnny Damon.
We haven’t had Derek on the show since 2000 when the team won the World Series. Derek guesses if the team doesn’t win, he doesn’t get on.
Derek first made it to the big team for a few weeks in 1995, the year before they began their 4 World Series in 5 years. The team was playing in Seattle and then moved on to Detroit. Derek was raised in the Detroit area so he had lots of tickets to giveaway for the game. Loads and loads of his family and friends were on hand. Unfortunately, right before the team made it to Detroit, Derek was sent back down to the minors. But he came back up for good in ’96, was named Rookie of the Year, and will go down as one of the greatest Yankees of all time. And with Derek the whole time was manager Joe Torre. Joe came in in ’96 and just the other day won his 1,000th game with the Bronx Bombers. A thousand wins is very impressive, but what’s most impressive is 10 years as manager under George Steinbrenner.
Dave asks about Barry Bonds. Do ballplayers talk about him? Derek says they do, mainly because they are constantly asked about it and it gets real tiring. Nice shot, Derek! Gentle but effective. Derek says that since nothing has been proven, and nothing is likely to be proven about Barry’s supposed use of steroids, then we should all just get on with our business of baseball and leave it alone. Does Derek know Barry? He says he does and Barry has always treated Derek fine. Derek tells an amusing story about the Yankee trainer Gene Monahan. Years ago when LATE NIGHT or maybe the LATE SHOW was shooting something at Yankee Stadium, Gene Monahan passed a note on to Dave asking when he was going to have a real live, big league major league baseball trainer on the show. Dave responded to Gene’s note, “That’s a good idea. When are the Blue Jays coming to town?”
Dave knows all about Derek’s ballgame statistics, but is curious about Derek’s after-the-game life. Every now and then you’ll see Derek on Page 6 with a very pretty woman. He’s not in the newspaper all that often, but I imagine every time he goes out he makes it into the news. So I believe him when he says he doesn’t go out much. Says Derek, “I’m a homebody. Like you are. You’re a dad to a son . . . .” Dave realizes the truth but adds with a touch of hope, “I got one more night in me.”
Spoken like a true athlete, Dave thinks he’s got one more game left. My nightlife used to be like the baseball season; a game every night. Now it’s more like the Summer Olympics.
What does Derek predict for the upcoming season? He simply says, “We’ll play 162 games and hopefully we’ll be in it at the end.”

MOTORCYCLE MANIA – From the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus
- the Steel Globe is 16 feet in diameter
- 7 motorcycles will circle inside the globe
- the motorcycles will reach speeds of 65 mph and will travel less than 4 inches apart
- the riders are from Paraguay (5 brothers and a cousin) and from Argentina (family friend)
The bikers ride around and around the interior of the Globe of Death. One then veers off and rides perpendicular to the other 6, intersecting their path time and time again. Impressive. Now they’re ready for the streets of New York.

ACT 5 – MOTORCYCLE MANIA REPLAY

MICHELLE MONAGHAN: She’s the lead lady in the new Mission: Impossible 3 movie. She traveled all over the world shooting the movie and is again traveling all over the world promoting it. And when she was in China to shoot a scene, she saw the China version of the Globe of Death, so Michelle’s has experienced it on both sides of the world. In any language, the Globe of Death is a “Wow.”
Michelle has a wonderful friend who bought her a gun-shaped bottle of tequila while he was visiting Tijuana. Without thinking, she threw the gift into her carry-on luggage when taking a flight from L.A. to NYC. When the bag went through the machine, security asked, “Do you have a gun?” She laughed and said of course not. Then she remembered the tequila gun. Then she said, “Oh, yes, I do have a gun . . . but . . .” By that time, security had already sounded the alarm and she was quickly surrounded. They examined the bag, found the “gun,” and since she is a pretty celebrity, security laughed and let her through. Those waiting behind her didn’t find it all to amusing.
She also had a near-death experience while riding her bicycle in Manhattan. She was leaving a K-Mart and a half a block later she was knocked to the ground by a huge city bus. She didn’t get the bus number but did notice the bus driver giving her a “so long” wave in his side view mirror. The injuries were minor. Dave then asked, “What were you buying in K-Mart?” I loved the question. Yes, what was the star of Mission: Impossible 3 buying at K-Mart? Michelle answers “Hangers.”
Mission: Impossible 3 – in theaters now.

And that was our show for Monday May 8th. Wahoo EXTRA!

For some reason, I am surprised when a big star shops at the same stores I do. I wouldn’t expect a Michelle Monaghan to shop at K-Mart, but why not? They need everyday items just like the rest of us, and what better place than K-Mart. It reminded me of the time when I was a cop on the upper east side of Manhattan. I got a call for something in an apartment on 5th Avenue. I get to the apartment overlooking Central Park. It was a beautiful apartment; very expensive on the most expensive street in the city. On his kitchen counter I noticed a can of RC Cola. Not Coca-Cola, not Pepsi . . . . but RC Cola. I couldn’t understand why a man of his means would drink RC Cola. Why, to save a couple cents? I smiled, thinking that this guy on 5th Avenue was just like me, watching his money and being wise with his dollar. I later learned that I was wrong. He wasn’t drinking RC Cola to save money. No. He was drinking RC Cola because he OWNED RC Cola.

Whoa! Guess what I forgot! I forgot to tell you what was inside the LATE SHOW Pinata of Mystery on Friday. How did you all live through the weekend without knowing? My apologies. And now, the contents of the LATE SHOW Pinata of Mystery was . . . . . ooops, gotta . . . . phone.

The Yankees will be playing in a new stadium in the year 2009. And Derek may be finishing his career in another 5 years or so. No Yankee Stadium? No Derek Jeter? Unless the Yankees replace these two, my attachment to the team will take a serious hit. My Yankees have gone from Mantle to Munson to Mattingly to Jeter. And The Stadium has always been there.

Derek Jeter’s “Turn 2 Foundation:
Mission Statement:

“To create and support signature programs and activities that motivate young people to turn away from drugs and alcohol and ‘TURN 2’ healthy lifestyles. Through these ventures, the Foundation strives to create outlets that promote and reward academic excellence, leadership development and positive behavior. Turn 2's goal is to see the children of these programs grow safely and successfully into adulthood and become the leaders of tomorrow."

So my picks of Bob and John to win; of Showing Up to win; of Sweetnorthernstar to win; and the 5-3 Exacta didn’t quite go so well. But . . . . But . . . . . I did announce on Thursday my pick of Sweetnorthernstar to win and it was my biggest money bet of the day. It was a 10-1 at the time, the 4th best odds in the field of 20. But by Saturday at 6:00 PM, Sweetnorthernstar was the favorite, leap-frogging three other horses. Before I announce who I liked to win, Sweetnorthernstar had the 4th best odds. After I announced who I liked, Sweetnorthernstar became the favorite. Who knew I had so much influence on the odds at the Kentucky Derby? Even though my horses didn’t end up in the money, I think picking the eventual favorite, Sweetnorthernstar, when it was originally only the 4th favorite deserves an “atta boy.”

I received two horse racing e-mails this week.
From Laurie Bale:

”You mentioned Letterman's Humor during your Derby analysis; I thought you might like to know that the sire (i.e., the father) of Derby starter Sharp Humor is a horse named Distorted Humor. Distorted Humor is also the sire of Letterman's Humor. So there is a little touch of The Late Show at Churchill Downs.”

And from Andrew Hoenig of Rockville, Maryland:

“Letterman's Humor may not be doing so well, but did you know there is a horse named Oprah Winney? She won at Belmont on Sunday.” (Article)
ELMONT, N.Y. -- One day after winning the Kentucky Derby aboard Barbaro, Edgar Prado rode three winners at Belmont Park on Sunday.
The victories included the featured $110,600 Bouwerie Stakes for New York-bred 3-year-old fillies.
In the Bouwerie, Prado teamed with Oprah Winney to post a front-running score by three-quarters of a length. The gray filly ran the seven furlongs on the fast track in 1:23.93.
She earned $66,360 for owners Michael Dubb, Sanford Goldfarb and the Bunch of Characters Stable and is 3-2-2 from eight starts with earnings of $185,576.
Oprah Winney went right to the front and held off a late run from Ice Cool Kitty who closely tracked the leader throughout. Oprah Winney paid $3.60, $2.70 and $2.40. Ice Cool Kitty returned $4.80 and $3.40. Homerette paid $5.50 to show. “

And the contents of the Cinco de Mayo LATE SHOW Pinata of Mystery was Nacho Cheese.