Hey! Itss a Cold Open! We see Dave with our wardrobe supervisor, Sue Hum. She is smoothing out Dave's suit.
SUE: "Have you been drinking, Dave?"
DAVE: "Why the hell would you ask that?"
SUE: "You reek of Tequila"
DAVE: "Oh, well, then yes, I have been drinking."
SUE: "You poor dumb bastard.
And then the show opens with Paul and the opening theme.

Following the monologue, Dave has a Late Show Live on Letterman CD for a woman in the audience. And who was that woman? That's right, Helen Thomas . . . at least it looked like Helen Thomas.

Tonight on the show we have the Piedmont Bird Callers. Dave wonders if we will perhaps hear a wren, a bluebird, a blue jay, a robin, cardinal, loon, coot. . . . Paul offers his rendition of a loon . . . . "lahooo. . . . hoooooo . . . . hoooo . . . . nnn." I liked the "nnnn" at the end.

And up on the roof of the roof of the Ed Sullivan office building is the world fastest golfer, David Ogron. David holds the record for most golf balls hit in a 12-hour period: 6,971; and in a 24-hour period: 10,392.
Tonight he will try to set the record for a 30-minute period, a record recently set at 1,010.

There was a new sex survey conducted and reported in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. We see a report on the results.
Announcer: (over photos of elderly couples in bed)

"According to a new survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, elderly men tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives than elderly woman. Overall, sex among the elderly, specifically vigorous sex between couples in their late seventies . . . oh, God, I'm gonna be sick . . ."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see FDR: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
JFK: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."
BUSH: "Where's the rally monkey?!"

WHO ASKED FOR IT? We have members of the audience step forward to ask Dave questions. It's similar to the pre-show Q&A Dave conducts before the show.
WHO ASKED FOR IT #1. Jerry Orlando of East Syracuse, New York. Dave asks Jerry if he is related to Tony Orlando. Jerry says he isn't. Dave says, "Yeah, but I bet you had his money!" Jerry thinks about Tony's current level of celebrity and says, "No, I don't."
What does Jerry do for a living? He runs an old-fashioned movie theater up near Syracuse. What is Jerry's favorite movie? Jerry says, "Philadelphia Story."
Jerry question: "I'm in town on vacation and I'm trying to plan my week. What's the forecast for tomorrow?"
Dave isn't sure so he asks if we could take a look.
On Jerry's green shirt appears a weather map one would see on a local news program; you know, the weather report that usually takes up 9 minutes of the 22-minute news. A look at Jerry's shirt and it looks like it should be nice this weekend.
And who is Jerry Orlando really? Why, he's our film coordinator, Rick Scheckman, who we at the Late Show like to call "Rick Scheckman." But who is Jerry Orlando? I phoned Rick and he says it is a guy he knows in Syracuse who runs a film festival.

Whenever we do "Who Asked For It," the players involved are Late Show staffers. Of course the staffer can't say he or she works for the Late Show, so they have to take on a new name and occupation. Many times Dave will try to trip up the staffer by asking "involved" questions about their "career." The staffer better have a knowledge of what he purports to be. And the staffer better remember who he says he is, the names of his children, and anything else he says early in the conversation because Dave will go back and ask, "I'm sorry, what did you say your children's names were again?" What most staffers do is pick out a close friend and become that person. This way if Dave asks a question a second time, it's easy to remember what you said the first time. If you choose to become your friend "Pete" who is a plumber, you also take on Pete's wife, children, and hometown. If Dave asks your wife's name, and then asks again later, all you have to do is remember Pete and his family structure. And you better know a lot about plumbing.

WHO ASKED FOR IT #2: Don McKinnon of Westfield, New Jersey. . . the Garden State. Jersey is a beautiful state once you get past the refineries. How are the beaches? Don says they are lovely, although the people tend to be a bit cheesy. Westfield, is it near the Delaware Water Gap? And how about them Pine Barrens? Don backs off a bit and admits to now knowing much about the Pine Barrens.
DON'S question: "I bought a piece of memorabilia in the Late Show's eBay charity auction and I was wondering if you could autograph it for me."
DAVE: "I don't think we've ever had an eBay charity auction. It sounds like you might have fallen for a scam."
DON: (sadly disappointed) "Oh. So this isn't really your heart?" (holds up a plastic bag with a heart in it.)
DAVE: "No, I don't think so. Sorry."

And who is Don McKinnon? He is writer Tom Ruprecht. You recently saw Tom get a couple wisdom teeth pulled. But who is Don McKinnon? He is Tom's friend who now lives in Seattle. Westfield, New Jersey? Tom spent some of his upbringing in Westfield. Tom offered me this bit of Westfield trivia. The Rialto movie theater in Westfield is featured in the opening credits of "Ed." And it was in that movie theater that Tom Ruprecht once worked.

WHO ASKED FOR IT #3: Ed Van Lear. Dave goes right for the question. ED: "'The Sopranos' has a gay character. Does your show have a gay character?" DAVE: "No, we don't think we need to go in that direction, but thanks for your question." We cut to a lone George Clarke on stage looking longingly in Dave's direction. We hear his thoughts.
George: "Oh, Dave, dear Dave. If you only knew. And yet, it can never be . . . ah, the sweet agony of forbidden love . . .maybe someday I'll get up the courage to be true to myself and tell Dave of the turbulent passions that rage within me. . . but when? When?"
DAVE: "George? You okay over there? You look sort of funny."
GEORGE: "Dave? Dave . . . I love you."
DAVE: "I know, George, we could hear your thoughts."
GEORGE: " . . . . . Ah, crap. Never mind." Exits.
Wooooooooo, now we know! Know we know!

Who was Ed Van Lear? It was our researcher Matt McCluskey. You recently saw Matt in Staff Complaint Forum. But who is Ed Van Lear? Ed is Matt's friend from college. Matt got off easy but if he was asked, he was going to be a legal assistant.

WHO ASKED FOR IT #4: Rosemary Licciarrdoni of Thornwood, New York. Dave smiles at the name, seeing what no one else sees, finding a common thread between Rose in Rosemary and thorn in Thornwood. Dave asks if it is OK if he calls Rosemary "Rose." Rosemary prefers "Ro" --- "it's what everybody calls me."
Ro is a teacher's aide.
RO's question: "I was just curious if you were excited about Katie Couric coming to CBS."
DAVE: "Sure, I think we're all looking forward to having her here."
RO: "And you feel good about handing the Late Show over to her?
DAVE: "Uhhh, I think you're confused. She's taking over the CBS Evening News . . . not this show.
RO: "Really? So you're not retiring?"
DAVE: "No."
RO: "You really should, you miserable old ‘givl.'"

And who is Rosemary Licciarrdoni? She's our makeup artist, Michele O'Callaghan. But who is Rosemary Licciarrdoni? I don't know. I couldn't find Michele to find out.

And that was Who Asked For It?

Before we go to commercial, we once again go up to the roof to talk to David Ogron. He's set to go. Assisting David is Scott "Speedy" McKinney who has the responsibility of placing the balls in the same spot every time so David can swing like a machine.
The 30-minute clock goes up . . . and the counter stands at 0. And we begin. Like a windmill, David begins to swing. Scott is right there to replace a ball every 1.8 seconds. The golf balls fly over the ledge of the Ed Sullivan office building out onto . . . . I'm not sure.

PIEDMONT BIRD CALLERS: The winners of Piedmont, California's 41st Annual High School Bird-Calling Competition.
#1. Derek DeRoche and Eric Wheeler - 3rd place finishers. Derek is a freshman; Eric a sophomore. What did they get for 3rd place? "A $10 gift certificate to a local ice cream store, a travel book, and some flowers." Derek and Eric perform the Atlantic Puffin. It sounded something like this:
"Wok wok wok wok, ghee ghee ghee, wok wok wok wok wok, ghee ghee ghee ghee ghee wok."
At the completion, Dave says, "That was bull-djoy' and if we had enough time I could prove it." Big laugh here. Did you hear anything funnier than that today? No, you probably didn't. It's why I watch the show, even if I didn't have to.

#2 Max Villet. He's wearing the same thing as Eric Wheeler. Max came in 2nd place and won a book and a $20 gift certificate to a good burger place. What does Max like one a burger? "Meat." Max is a senior in high school and doesn't know yet where he plans to go to college. He will be visiting Whittier and the University of Oregon. To study what? "I don't know. That's why I'm going . . . to find out."
Max will performs the Rufescent Tiger Heron. Max describes the Tiger Heron as having long legs and an extra long bill to catch fish underwater. Max then does a quick "snatch" impersonation of a Tiger Heron catching a fish. Ooooh, an added visual feature we weren't expecting. Nice job, Max.
Max performs the Rufescent Tiger Heron, which sounded something like this: "Kwah kwah kwah kwah . . . . kwah kwah kwah . . . . kwah kwah kwah kwah kwah . . . ugh ugh ugh."
I hear the same sound from people coming out of the Hello Deli.
Says Dave about Max as he takes a walk to the rear, "I think any college would be happy to have you."

#3. Dana Han-Klein and Claire Menke: These two senior gals won first place. Dana will spend the summer in New York and attend NYU in the fall. Claire hopes to work in France. For first place, they won a travel book, $50, and had their names engraved on a trophy. They will perform the dovekie. You can find these in Iceland and Greenland. Abundant? Claire says, "Uhhh . . . . sure."
Dana and Claire perform the Dovekie and it sounded something like this: . . . . . oh, darn. I don't remember what it sounded like exactly. My apologies.

To finish up, the group of five from Piedmont perform their birds in unison. It almost sounded like the CBS coverage of The Masters.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS: Michael enjoys the golf, and was introduced to the game by his dad, Kirk, many years back. Michael was on the driving ranging receiving instruction from his father. One shot somehow made a u-turn and came right back. . . . and it got dear old dad right in the dear old nuts. He marked it down as a birdie. Michael's dad of course is the legendary Kirk Douglas. For me, Kirk will always be Vincent Van Gogh. I had to watch the film "Lust for Life" and read the book in high school. It was one of the few books I read. . . . that and "A Separate Peace." (Did Phineas really jounce the tree branch on purpose?)
Michael tells a story of how his dad would challenge the kids to "Go ahead, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can." After a long time between challenges, Kirk didn't quite take the Douglas boys' growth in strength. He played the "Go ahead, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can" game once too often. Kirk was dropped. . . . and the game was soon dropped as well.
Michael says his dad, who will turn 90 this December, is about to complete his 11th novel.

What kind of kid was Michael? He says he was your typical kid . . not a great student who stole cars in Connecticut. Except of the G.L.A., that was me too. Michael and his friends would hotwire the neighbor's car when they knew he'd be away. This felony activity inspired him to take up auto racing and you could see the love in Michael's eye when he told tales of his driving. In the middle of the conversation, Michael wonders if Dave's current hairstyle was designed after Steve McQueen's hair in the film, "Bullit." Dave says he'd take any comparison to Steve McQueen he could get. Dave: "If I had Steve McQueen's ‘anything,' everyone could just kiss my ass."
The multi-talented Michael Douglas then does an impersonation of the whirring sound of a race car.
How is Michael's wife, Catherine Zeta Jones? He says she is currently shooting a film where she plays a chef, adding "If she doesn't win an Academy Award for this . . . . it's probably the greatest piece of acting . . . . she doesn't know how to boil water."
We see a clip of Michael's current film, "The Sentinel." It's in theaters now.

ACT 5: David Ogron has broken the record! Over 1,010 were hit in 30 minutes. Too bad it's unofficial. I wouldn't be looking in the Guinness Book for David Ogron, golf balls, and 30 minutes. But I'm told you will find his name under golf balls, 24-hours and 12-hours.

Before music, we see Michael Douglas on the roof hitting a couple golf balls.

MARK KNOPFLER AND EMMYLOU HARRIS: From their new CD, "All the Roadrunning," Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris performed "This Is Us." And this is a CD I'll be picking up. It sounds like a good "raking the lawn, cleaning the garage, painting the room" CD. It's a good-listen.

And that was our show for Thursday, April 27, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

So I'm typing this up and I went to capitalize an "I" but mistakenly hit the control button and another button on my keyboard. What button? I don't know, but suddenly, I get one of those paragraph symbols at the start of every paragraph, and between each word I get a dot. It makes everything difficult to read. I then spent about a half-hour trying to undo my accidental do. I still couldn't fix it. One slip of the finger should not cause so much difficulty. I know I should ask for help but . . . I hate asking people for help. But I may have to. So I did. I asked our Late Show online guy, Walter. What was the problem? He didn't help but he somehow gave me the confidence to press the control button, the shift button, and the * button. Believe me when I say I was plenty scared that something terrible was going to happen. I pressed the above buttons and . . . . IT WAS FIXED. Phew.
How did I make that mistake? Here's what happened. When I went to capitalize an "I", I accidentally pressed the Control button and the Shift button at the same time when all I wanted to do was press the Shift button. When I went to press the "I", I accidentally pressed the 8. Paragraph symbols and dots appeared everywhere. And now I fixed it. It only cost me 45 minutes of my life . . . but it gave me about 20 lines of nonsense in the Wahoo Gazette.

I'm reading an article about Fatty Arbuckle the other day. He was an early 20th century entertainer who was involved in a career-destroying scandal involving the death of a woman named Virginia Rappe. After 3 trials, Fatty Arbuckle was found "not guilty" but it was too late to save his once-successful career. He caught a bum rap. And then I wondered if that's where the term "bum rap" or "bad rap" came from. So I did a bit of Googling.

Fatty Arbuckle: In 1921, a young starlet became severely ill and died four days later. Newspapers went wild with the story: popular silent-screen comedian Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle had killed Virginia Rappe with his weight while savagely raping her. Though the newspapers of the day reveled in the gory, rumored details, juries found little evidence that Arbuckle was in any way connected with her death.
In the third trial, which began in March 1922, the defense again became pro-active. Arbuckle testified, repeating his side of the story. The main prosecution witness, Zey Prevon, had escaped house arrest and left the country. For this trial, the jury deliberated for only a couple of minutes and came back with a verdict of not guilty.

The term rap, meaning a criminal charge--often a false one (i.e., bum rap), is of uncertain origin.
The term appears in the phrase get the rap as early as 1865. In this sense it refers to the punishment of a crime or action. The sense meaning the crime itself dates to 1903 in publication--although it undoubtedly was used in theives' cant earlier than this. In all likelihood the term derives from the sense meaning a blow or strike. To take the rap is to take the blow.

But do you know the origin of "Your name is mud"? It has to do with the Lincoln assassination.