It’s America’s Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, it’s Know Your Current Events. Lots of categories tonight: SEVEN! I don’t know if we’ve ever gone with 7 categories before.
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Springtime Allergies
Know Your Ambien Side Effects
Know Your Goofy-Looking Congressmen
Know Your Trump Baby
Know Your Allegations Against Barry Bonds

CONTESTANT #1: Lindsay of New York City.
She’s a media analyst. Oooh, we’re in the media. What exactly? She works for the Nielsen people. DOH! How are we doing? She says we did real good with the Oprah show. Ah, yes. It’s too bad we can’t get Oprah on our show every night. Dave whispers to Lindsay, “Hey, now that I have a family, see if there is something you can do about our ratings.”
Lindsay's category: “Know Your Ambien Side Effects.”
Question #1: “What has been discovered about sleepwalkers who indiscriminately eat anything they can find?”
Answer: “They’re single-handedly keeping Applebee’s in business.”

Question #2: “If you experience difficulty concentrating, poor coordination, and persistent confusion, doctors suggest you do what?”
Answer: “Take a break and let Cheney run the country.”

For her participation, Lindsay gets a handful of stuff, including dinner for two, a Letterman CD, Turtle Wax for the car, and Explod-O-Pop Popcorn. Dave delights the audience when he says that tonight, the entire audience will be receiving Explod-O-Pop popcorn. He then explains, “We are fast approaching the expiration date and we got to move product.”

CONTESTANT #2: Todd, of Ottawa, Canada.
Dave tells what he knows about Ottawa, that it is built on a system of canals. Todd is impressed with Dave’s knowledge of Canada’s capital. Todd is an advisor for the past Canadian government. What does he do now? Todd says he’s out of work and now sits home and advises his wife.
Todd’s category: “Know Your Allegations Against Barry Bonds.” Dave mentions that there is a major league baseball team in Canada. Todd “corrects” Dave, telling him there are two. Dave allows the Canadian citizen to catch up on the news that the Montreal Expos moved to Washington DC.
Question #1: “In 2001, Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire’s record by doing what 73 times.”
Answer: “Uttering the phrase, ‘I thought it was multi-vitamin.’”

Question #2: “What will Barry Bonds have great difficulty doing when he shows up at the ballpark this season?”
Answer: “Finding a hat to fit his massive, over-inflated head.”

CONTESTANT #3: Amanda of Portland, Oregon.
Amanda is a medical student and hopes to one day to be a doctor. Has she ever touched a dead guy? Amanda says she has. Dave asks, “Was it class work or a date?”
Amanda’s category: Know Your Cuts of Meat. The meats tonight: Lamb Loin Chops and Kidneys.

We have a guy who works at the Ed Sullivan Theater who is quite peculiar. He works as a CBS Page. It’s a job usually reserved for just-out-of-college kids looking for an opening in show business. Most move on within a year or two, but not this guy. He’s been at it as a CBS Page for 39 years now. He’s been on the show a number of times and he’s here again tonight. Dave introduces, Johnny Dark, the oldest CBS Page. Johnny enters and takes a seat in the guest chair.
DAVE: “How are you doing, Johnny?”
JOHNNY: “Livin’ a dream, Dave . . . . . . . livin’ a friggin’ dream.”
DAVE: “You haven’t been here in a while, Johnny. It’s nice to see you again.”
JOHNNY: “Whoa, easy there, cowboy. No need to go all ‘Brokeback’ on me. I just took a little trip.”
DAVE: “That sounds nice.”
JOHNNY: “Yeah, it happens once or twice a year. I take some time to unwind and reflect on my life.”
DAVE: “Do you go to a beach resort or a cabin or something?”
JOHNNY: “No, Dave. Prison. I got caught selling Mexican boner pills at the Port Authority.”
DAVE: “I see. Well, I hope you learned something from the experience.”
JOHNNY: “I sure did . . . . ‘buy American!’”
(to Anton)
“Hey, Krupa! Can I get a rim shot?”
(no rim shot. Johnny lights a cigarette)
DAVE: “Johnny, I keep telling you there’s no smoking allowed in the theater.”
JOHNNY: “Oh, sorry. I always forget.”
(Johnny puts out cigarette in Dave’s coffee mug.)
DAVE: “I see you’re sitting in the guest chair tonight, whereas you normally stand over by the door. I’m told that’s because you have something special to talk about tonight.”
JOHNNY: (lighting up another cigarette) “Yeah, I always wanted to ban an actor, but I was too scared to audition for anything. Before I knew it, 39 years had gone by and I had nothing to show for it. So anyway, if you want to see an old fool trying to make up for lost time, I’m Off-Broadway playing Egeus in ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream.’”
Johnny stands to accept applause.
DAVE: “That’s great, Johnny. Where is it playing?”
JOHNNY: (bursts out in laughter) “Oh, come on, Gomer, you actually bought that crap?”
DAVE: “I always fall for your little stories. How’s your imaginary horse?”
JOHNNY: “Oh, you mean Sugarfoot? He’s right here.”
DAVE: “Why don’t you ride the hell out of here.”

Johnny hops aboard Sugarfoot and gallops out the guest entrance.

And that’s Johnny.

WILL IT FLOAT: They’re back! The Will It Float: Travel Edition has been retired. Tonight’s item: 111-ounce can of tomato paste; that’s 6 pounds, 15 ounces. Paul? Paul without nonsense and full of confidence, says, “Float.” He says nothing more; just ‘float.’ I laughed, expecting more. It was a very nice misdirection on Paul’s part. Just to make it interesting, Dave says “Sink.” The models drop the 111-ounce can of tomato paste into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . SINKS!

LIZA MINNELLI: She’s here to promote the Showtime rebroadcast of her legendary 1972 Television concert, “Liza with a ‘Z’” which will air Saturday night, April 1st. Yikes! Was that really 34 years ago?!! Liza recently celebrated a milestone birthday: Her 60th!
Benefits to being 60? Liza says you can say whatever you want and not care about the repercussions.
Party for her 60th? Liza says there’s been parties all over the world, but her favorite type of party is a simple get-together with 4 friends for dinner and laughs.
Dating? Liza laughs an “Are you nuts?” laugh. She says that is all over. She shudders thinking about dating again. She then sighs, “. . . . my nerves . . .”
She would like companionship, and this is what she is looking for:
- someone 80 years old, fabulously rich, with one foot on a banana peel and one foot in the grave.
- Someone 53 years old who is fun and smart.
- Someone who is 17 whose name I don’t need to know.

Liza first fell in love with live theater after seeing a production of “Bye Bye Birdie.” This made me smile because I may be taking my girls to see a Junior High School production of Bye Bye Birdie. Last week we went to see the high school’s “On My Toes.” Dang it, those Tappan Zee High School kids were talented; so much more talented then I ever was playing football. Very impressed. Will this week’s “Bye Bye Birdie” inspire my girls to the boards? We shall see.

Following her segment with Dave, we take a break as Liza prepares to perform.

LIZA MINNELLI: Liza performs, “I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore” from “Gigi.”
Her Showtime special, “Liza with a ‘Z’” is Saturday night. And look for the release of “Liza with a ‘Z’” on DVD this Tuesday.

ACT 5: “It’s time for the answer to last week’s ‘Late Show Classic Audience Shot Challenge!’ We asked you when this unforgettable audience was originally featured in the Late Show audience shot. Did you get it? If you said ‘April 6, 2004,’ you’re right!
This has been the ‘Late Show Classic Audience Shot Challenge.’ Keep on truckin’!”

AL LUBEL: You can frequently see Al Lubel at the Improv Comedy Club right here in New York City. Al describes his early days in New York living in a 5X10 single room downtown; his being lazy; voting; anti-depressants; and no parking signs.

And that was our show for Friday March 31, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Two things that came to mind while listening to Al Lubel:
- Small apartment – when I lived in the city, my apartment was tiny. I bought a car because I needed the closet space.
- voting and laziness: I take the lazy way out of voting . . . I find someone who is voting the opposite of me, then convince him we should both stay home.

This week I posted the fight songs of LSU, Florida and UCLA. GEORGE MASON FIGHT SONG – it doesn’t have lyrics, but it goes like this:
It starts out: “Ba ba da da da da da ba ba ba” and then “bum da dum bum bum bum bum clash bada bum bumma de dum bum bum.”

The over/under for camera shots of Misty Brady, the wife of the LSU coach, in Saturday’s LSU vs. UCLA game is 7. The Misty Brady over/under is 7. I’m going with the over.

Is it “In other words” or “another words”: Hopefully it finally sinks in: it’s “In other words.” Thanks to all who let me know.

Saturday is APRIL FOOLS DAY
Well-known hoaxes – from Wikipedia

Alabama Changes the Value of Pi: The April 1998 newsletter of New Mexicans for Science and Reason contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
Spaghetti trees: The BBC television programme Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. A large number of people contacted the BBC wanting to know how to cultivate their own spaghetti trees.
Left Handed Whoppers: In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out the right side.
Taco Liberty Bell: In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell." When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied with tongue in cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
San Serriffe: The Guardian printed a supplement in 1977 praising this fictional resort, its two main islands (Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse), its capital (Bodoni) and its leader (General Pica). Intrigued readers were later disappointed to learn that sans serif did not exist except as references to typeface terminology.
Metric time: Repeated several times in various countries, this hoax involves claiming that the time system will be changed to a one where units of time vary by powers of 10. Tower of Pisa: The Dutch television news reported once in the 1950s that the Tower of Pisa had fallen. Many shocked and even mourning people contacted the station.
Wrapping Televisions in Foil: In another year, the Dutch television news reported that the government had new technology to detect unlicensed televisions (in many European countries, television license fees fund public broadcasting), but that wrapping a television in aluminium foil could prevent its detection. Within a few hours, aluminium foil was sold out throughout the country.
Sidd Finch: George Plimpton wrote a 1985 article in Sports Illustrated about a New York Mets prospect who could throw a 168 mph fastball with pinpoint accuracy. This kid, known as "Barefoot" Sidd[hartha] Finch, reportedly learned to pitch in a Buddhist monastery.
Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! Double Switch: In 1997, Pat Sajak, the host of Wheel of Fortune, traded hosting duties with Jeopardy!'s Alex Trebek for one show. In addition to Sajak hosting Jeopardy!, he and co-host Vanna White appeared as contestants on the episode of Wheel hosted by Trebek. White's position was filled by Sajak's wife Leslie.
Comic strip switcheroo: Cartoonists of popularly syndicated comic strips draw each others' strips. In some cases, the artist draws characters in the other strip's milieu, while in others, the artist draws in characters from other visiting characters from his own. Cartoonists have done this sort of "switcheroo" in several years. The 1997 switch was particularly widespread.
Free wine for all: The Norwegian newspaper "Bergens Tidende" announced in 1987 that the state alcohol monopoly had 10,000 litres of confiscated smuggler-wine. The inhabitants of Bergen were invited to the main store in town to receive their share of the goods, rather than spill good wine down the drain. That morning staff were met by about 200 men & women with bottles, buckets, and other suitable vessels for carrying the prized goods. Legislation in Norway means that alcohol is relatively expensive and has limited availability.
The Canadian news site bourque.org announced in 2002 that Finance Minister Paul Martin had resigned "in order to breed prize Charolais cattle and handsome Fawn Runner ducks." The Canadian dollar dropped to its lowest level in a month before Martin's office debunked the hoax.
Defy Gravity: In 1976 British astronomer Patrick Moore told listeners of BBC2 that unique alignment of two planets would result in an upward gravitational pull making people lighter at precisely 9:47 a.m. that day. He invited his audience to jump in the air and experience "a strange floating sensation." Dozens of listeners phoned in to say the experiment had worked.

In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb
by Lorie Hill

March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.

The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear.