Earlier tonight was the premiere of the new CBS program, "Love Monkey." It stars Tom Cavanagh. Dave has a clip from the new show which has lots of promise. Hey! It's the monkey washing a kitty clip! That ain't "Love Monkey."

In response to customers' desire for healthier options, McDonald's is adding several new chicken items to its menu. But Dave isn't sure this is really going to appeal to the health-conscious crowd. Dave holds up a McDonald's box of "Chicken Skin Classic." Opening it, Dave then removes a large sheet of cooked chicken skin. Examining the bronzed skin of the chicken, Dave sizes it up to make a fine hairpiece. He plops it on his head. Yes, very silly, and an easy laugh, but rewarding it was. Dave chimes, "Thank God we started over."
Paul laughed throughout the chicken skin on the head. Paul, over his laughter, says "Earlier tonight on the commercials, I've been seeing you with chicken skin on your head and I didn't know why. Now I understand." I laughed at this. I was confused at first but then I realized where he was going with this. Paul figured the chicken skin on Dave's head would be used in the Late Show promos during the CBS primetime programs. Paul was looking ahead and behind at the same time. Very funny. Very clever.

It's Tuesday night and we head over to Rupert's. After a chat, we find that the Late Show models are in the Hello Deli with Rupert. What's up? There's a new pizza place in town: Ray's Pizza at 1710 Broadway between 54th and 55th. We are going to have an old fashioned Late Show Pizza Challenge. We send Andrea to Ray's and Rute to Angelo's at 1697 Broadway. When they return with a pizza pie to Rupert's, we will have a pizza taste-off. And off the girls go.
Back to Dave. We find him trying on the chicken hairpiece again, imitating a used car salesman. Pretending to barter with a customer, Dave says, "... and bring your wife in, then we'll dicker."

Dave takes a moment to say something to his wife, Jane: "You are my inspiration. You are my North Star and my guiding light. You are the wind beneath my wings." While Dave speaks, we see a tearful and loving Jane Seymour in the audience. (from last night's Golden Globes.)

TV THAT COULD BE HURTING YOUR SEX LIFE - You heard about the study done in Italy that claims that people with TVs in their bedroom have 50% less sex than those without TVs in their bedroom. We were fascinated with these results, so we've compiled some possible causes for the phenomenon.
-Nature program footage of a lion devouring its prey
-graphic footage from surgery
-footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger newly scarred and swollen lip
-footage of George W. Bush patting wife Laura on her behind
-footage of Dave making his entrance to open the show.

Something new, it's GEORGE W. BUSH: WHAT?!
Bush: "A guy yelled out in the corn pit, 'Hook 'em, Horns!' So I hooked 'em. And now I have a lot of corn." Huh?

"Without you, none of this would mean anything. You are my morning, my afternoon, and my evening. You are my everything." More of Jane tearing up in the audience.

Back to Rupert's and we find that the ladies are not yet back. What's Rupert been doing? "Oh, just standing around." The outside camera finds Rute with a pie exiting Angelo's. Andrea? Still not to Ray's. Rute returns to the Hello Deli with her pizza. Andrea? Still we wait. We see her entering Ray's. We see her looking at the pizza pies. We see the Ray's employees looking at Andrea. We see Andrea looking at the Ray's employees. Meanwhile, snails are moving at a faster pace. Andrea eventually gets a large cheese pizza and begins her journey back to the Hello Deli. While Andrea works her way back, Rupert samples the Angelo's cheese pizza adorned with basil leaves. Rupert likes. Andrea? Still running at a walker's pace to the deli. Gee, it's too bad Dave didn't have something like, I don't know, something like facts about pizza to cite during Andrea's trip to the deli. You know, something to fill the time. We follow Andrea every step of the way back to Rupert's. And she's back. Rupert tries the Ray's pizza. Which does he like better? Rupert says the Angelo's is "more thin crusted." How will that effect the judging? Rupert says he has no idea.

And now for the decision. Rupert, which is better?
Rupert: "Both are very good, but I like basil so I'll give the edge to Angelo's." And that's how we play the Late Show Pizza Challenge. At the thrilling conclusion, Dave instructs Andrea to box up the Ray's pizza and run it back to the new joint at 1710 Broadway. And away she goes.

IS THIS ANYTHING? It's a cowboy whipping his whips; cracking the whips while the grinder girl and the hula hoop girl perform their talents on each side. Is this anything? Paul, though impressed, says it was nothing. Dave? Dave says, "I was going to agree with you, Paul, and say it was nothing, but since I'm in such a good mood tonight, I'm going to say it was something."

Early in the day, Alan approached Dave and asked if there was a free moment during the show, he would like to say something. We have no time, but Dave throws the program over to Alan and lets him have his turn at the microphone.
ALAN: (with a balloon which reads "#5,000") "Thanks, DL. Big night. 5,000th show. A lot of people might say this is a time for looking back. No way! (Alan pops the balloon) We're looking forward! It may be 5,000 shows, America, but we're just getting started!!!" Alan rips off his shirt and begins to sing "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" while he dances across the stage.

"You ain't seen nothing yet.
Baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet.
Here's something, here's something mama,
You're never gonna forget.
You just ain't seen nu-nu-nu-nothing yet.
You need educating --- send you to school..."

TATUM O'NEAL: I do the second half of the Wahoo Gazette before the show, or at least I try to. Immediately after the show I start on the comedy. I finish the comedy at home. The next morning, I usually do the guests, either at home or I get to work early and do it from there. For this Wahoo, I was going to do the guests from work Wednesday morning before the rest of the staff arrived. I left home early and enjoyed a slow drive down the Palisades Parkway. The weather was very windy . . . . VERY windy. I heard they had trouble on the Tappan Zee Bridge, which is north of where I live. Often time when there are problems on the T.Z. Bridge, those commuters travel south to the George Washington Bridge. This makes the G.W. over crowded and results in a high volume of traffic. On this windy morning, a truck was blown over to its side on the TZ Bridge, resulting in the bridge's closing. Wow! When I heard about this on my drive in, I knew I was in for a long commute. I turned on the 880-WCBS to find out more about the traffic. Just then I see red taillights on the Palisades and I still had quite a few miles to go before the G.W. Bridge. The back-up had already begun. But it got worse. A truck on the G.W. Bridge had also tipped over on its side due to the wind and the upper level of the bridge was closed to traffic. So now the TZ Bridge is closed and only one level of the GW Bridge is in operation. I got off the Palisades Parkway and tried my best to navigate a shortcut. I soon had the bridge in my sight when traffic came to a complete standstill. There the bridge was . . . . . . and it took me an hour-and-a-half to get across. I barely made it in on time. . . . and it left me no time to recap the guests.
Tatum O'Neal was voted off "Dancing With the Stars" last Friday night. She is also the youngest to ever win an Academy Award; 10-years-old for "Paper Moon."

LEYAN LO: He's the student from Cal Tech who set the Rubik's Cube World Record by solving the cube in 11.13 seconds. He's here tonight to try to break his new record.
Leyan enters. Leyan's been doing the Rubik's since he's been 10 years old. He can't explain exactly how he does it. He says he's always been interested in mathematical puzzles and has solved the cube dozens and dozens of times. And tonight he's going to try to break his 11-second record. We put up a clock. And Leyan begins. With great fervor, Leyan tries to descramble the scrambled Rubik's cube.5...6...7...8... Time's running out and Leyan still is working feverishly. 9...10....11.... 12.... Leyan goes past the time but continues to work on the cube. Dave softly mentions to Leyan that we are past the 11-second mark "but please continue." Leyan keeps at it without looking up. 21...22...23....24. And still Leyan works and works. 36...37...38...39. Leyan is working like a madman but doesn't seem to be any closer. His hands moving a mile a minute. Dave asks if he would like some talc. 52...53...54...55. Leyan seems to be getting frustrated. 60...61...62.... Dave tries to wind it up. A frustrated Leyan sadly admits, "I don't think I can do it." And with that he quickly stands and hurls the Rubik's cube through the window behind Dave and nearly knocks down one of the bridges. Leyan runs off in shame.
Poor kid took it hard. But he still has the record.

ACT 5: Time for a Late Show Spoiler Alert!
Tonight, the winner of the Golden Globe for Best Picture: 'Brokeback Mountain.' Please turn down the television if you don't want to hear the following spoiler. Ready? Those boys are GAY!
This has been a Late Show Spoiler Alert! Tell your friends.

JEFF MACGREGOR: See O'Neal, Tatum. Jeff was very funny talking about the Indianapolis Colts and Dave's reaction to the loss. He suggests Dr. Phil's advice to Dave's melancholy over the 21-18 defeat would be, "C'mon, Shirley, suck it up!!!"
And he added some funny Winter Olympic talk about Bode Miller and also the Skeleton Team. You can find Jeff's writings of sports in "Sports Illustrated." Very funny.

And that was our show for Tuesday, January 17, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey, horse race fans, Thursday, January 19th, entered in the 9th Race at Gulfstream Park, Hallandale, Florida, is 'Letterman's Humor.' The race is 1 mile on dirt with a purse of $37,000. Get you bets in now!
Letterman's Humor: #11 - to be ridden by Juan C. Leyva. Trainer is Ronald L. Voss, III So why is a horse named "Letterman's Humor"? Let's see what I can find. The owner is Jerry K. Humphreys. Anything on the Google?
This is what I found: I think Humphreys is a Pathologist in Tennessee and "Letterman's Humor" is the offspring of "Richie" and "Distorted Humor." Hope that helps in your wagering.

I prepared something in advance for Dave for the Andrea walk from Ray's Pizza back to the Ed Sullivan Theater. I thought he would want something to do as we waited for her arrival, you know, to fill up the awkward wait. I was told he wouldn't need it. "Paul will be playing music," I'm told. I knew that, but I didn't think music from Paul would be enough. You know, sometimes I think if I were someone else, people would actually listen to me. Contrary to what some may believe, this isn't my first day here.

PIZZA FACTS
- In the United States, 350 slices of pizza are eaten each second.
- Pizza is a $32 billion a year industry
- There are 61,000 pizza parlors in the United States
- Each man, woman, and child in America eats an average of 46 slices of pizza a year.
- Each year in the United States, 3 billion pizza pies are sold
- Pepperoni is the favorite pizza topping
- October is National Pizza Month

I saw a small article in Monday's New York Daily News about Laura Bush claiming that there is no truth behind the rumors that Dick Cheney may step down as Vice President for health reasons. I think it would make sense for Cheney to resign since he's won't be running for President in 2008. Get a new guy in there, make him appear Presidential in the 2nd spot, and have him groomed as the Republican candidate in the next election. And they can use Cheney's health for the reason he's stepping down. Of course, he would keep doing what he was doing, just without the title of "Vice President."

This non-interception call in the Colt/Steeler game could have really rocked the NFL if the Colts came back to win. The NFL is now calling the decision to overrule the call down on the field a "judgment call," and admits it was the wrong call. Hoo boy, that would have been so darn entertaining if the Colts had won. One columnist in the New York Post actually used the word "fix." He didn't say the "fix" was in, but merely suggests the screaming and yelling following the game if the Colts had won would have included that word "fix" from many fans. And the simple taste of a "fix" in sports is absolutely disastrous. I've said it here before here, if some big-time crime figure wanted to influence the outcome of a game, he wouldn't or shouldn't approach a player. They make too much money. It's the referees and umpires who I believe can be influenced. They have so much influence on the outcome of a game without the benefit of a 7-figure salary. Calling a holding penalty or a pass interference penalty at the right time could be worth millions of dollars to someone in the gambling business. Now I'm not saying the referee was in on a fix, in fact I am quite comfortable in my trust of game officials to do their best and to their honesty, but do you see the result of that terrible call? "Fix" and "football game" are being seen and heard in the same sentence. And if the Colts did win, you might have seen it in headlines. The NFL needs to get that referee in front of a camera to explain step-by-step how he came to his decision to OVERRULE and REVERSE the decision down on the field. The whole country saw it as an interception. It was only the replay-ref who saw it as an incomplete pass. . . . and it was a judgment call, not an interpretation of the rules.

Once a sport is believed to be influenced by a fix, it becomes nothing more than professional wrestling.