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			Friday, January 13, 2006 Show #2491
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	Tom Cavanagh; and Jake Johanssen. PLUS: Audience Show and Tell; Will It Float; a top ten list; and an actress stops in unexpectedly. AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL A&S#1: Rick Zimmer of Portland, Oregon. He's a theater director at a Mt. Hood Community College. Last year they put on "Little Shop of Horrors" and "Henry V." He's here in New York City on a business trip seeing shows on Broadway. What does Rick have for us? In the 1995 film, "Things I Never Told You," with Andrew McCarthy, Rick's hands appeared as the surgeon preparing for an operation. We see a clip of McCarthy lying on a gurney. A doctor's hands appear in the overhead shot. The hands are the only thing we see of the doctor. Nice work. A&S#2: Glenn Schroter of Bayside, New York. He's a daycare business manager, overseeing 700 children. What does Glenn do? He can play songs on a touchtone phone. We just so happens to have a touchtone phone nearby. Glenn picks up the phone and starts to press the buttons. I don't know what number he dialed, but the song was the Olympic theme. Nice job, Glenn. His big talent was getting clearance from the Olympics. A&S#3: Jennifer Smith of Roselle Park, New Jersey. She's a Human Resource Manager for TV Guide. How was her drive in to the city today? Wasn't bad. She took the bus. What's she got? Jennifer participated in Pamplona, Spain's Running of the Bulls. And she has footage. Now footage of just participating in the Running of the Bulls is pretty good, but not quite good enough to be in the #3 position of Audience Show and Tell. There must be more. And there is. Jennifer got gored during the festival by one of the angry bulls. We see the clip. There's Jennifer running through the streets of Pamplona . . . and there's Jennifer getting gored and stomped by a bull in Pamplona. OUCH!! That was pretty bad! Jennifer says she was gored in the leg and suffered some swelling of the brain. This round goes to the bull. And that was Audience Show and Tell. Dave says he feels bad for Jennifer and by no means did he mean to compare her to the "idiots" you see on TV running with the bulls. Besides, she only suffered from just a little brain swelling. This past Monday, "The Phantom of the Opera" surpassed "Cats" to become the longest-running show in the history of Broadway. Dave doesn't normally follow musical theater but he couldn't help noticing this announcement. Announcer: "After 7,486 stunning performances, Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Phantom of the Opera' is officially the longest-running show in Broadway history, continuing to thrill theater-goers more than 17 years into its magnificent run. But if you can't get tickets to this timeless classic, why not check out another hideous, brooding freak who torments theater audiences every night?" (footage of Dave making entrance at start of the Late Show) "The Late Show: good tickets always available." WILL IT FLOAT? Once again, the "Will It Float" home-game was one of the most popular toys this Christmas. All the proceeds from the home-game go towards the Will It Float Foundation. Dave received a call from an orphanage regarding Will It Float. He was told the kids are allowed to stay up late once a week to watch the Will It Float festivities. Dave can't believe that he sometimes gets mail informing him of people's dislike of Will It Float. It doesn't make sense to him at all. Tonight's item: a 1 gallon jug of 'Grandma's" molasses. The jug is made of plastic. And tonight, we're playing for a log splitter. Dave says it will float. Paul says it will float. The Will It Float models drop the plastic gallon jug of "Grandma's" molasses into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . sinks like a lead weight. I never saw molasses move that fast. I think Dave and Paul got taken in by the "plastic" jug. TOP TEN: Signs You Live in America's Fattest City - a men's fitness magazine came out with a list of the top 25 fattest cities in the United States. #1 . . . . Chicago. On the Top Ten FYI blue card, I included an explanation of the list in the magazine and the following short list of fattest cities: #1. Chicago #2. Las Vegas #3. Los Angeles #25. New York City I wanted to add Indianapolis at #11 but was afraid I would be adding too much and cause confusing. So I gave the above blue card, and included a sheet with the entire list of 25. Dave went with the sheet. I was correct in his mentioning Indianapolis. The entire list: 1. Chicago 2. Las Vegas 3. Los Angeles 4. Dallas 5. Houston 6. Memphis 7. Long Beach, California 8. El Paso 9. Kansas City, Mo. 10. Mesa, Arizona 11. Indianapolis 12. San Antonio 13. Fort Worth 14. Miami 15. Detroit 16. Columbus, Ohio 17. Oklahoma City 18. Cleveland 19. Wichita 20. Charlotte 21. San Diego 22. Fresno 23. Philadelphia 24. San Jose, Calif. 25. New York Signs You Live in America's Fattest City: #8. It has a Big & Tall Lenscrafters #5. Worst criminals are sentenced to life in prison with no chance of pudding #1. Most common nickname: Hoss Before introducing the first guest, Dave reads some of the mail he's received concerning Will It Float. Dear Dave, Kudos to your Will It Float segment. It makes the orphans forget just for a moment how miserable life can be. You're a hero, David Letterman, a true American hero. Rev. Edward Zick, Millbrook, New York. Dear Mr. Letterman, I had very poor eyesight. Thanks to your Will It Float segment I no longer need glasses and guess what, I bowled a perfect 300 game! Sincerely, Richard Quinn Ohama, Nebraska Dear Mr. LeHerman, I also was gored in the ass by a bull. Is Jennifer single? Bob Kaplan, Brooklyn, New York TOM CAVANAGH: He stars in the new CBS program, "Love Monkey," Tuesday's at 10:00 PM. Tom spent the holidays at his parents' place in Quebec. On the drive up, he got kind of lost and the gas gauge was on "E." Tom was in the middle of nowhere. At a lonely intersection, he contemplated what to do next; straight, left, right, back from where he came. He didn't have many miles left before the car was out of gas. Tom says he didn't panic but he admits to seeing an old guy in a truck drive up. He had white hair and a long white beard . . . on Christmas Eve. Tom asked the guy if he knew the closest gas station. The guy said, "Just go one mile and make a left in Littleton." Tom drove as instructed and ran out of gas at the top of a hill. He coasted as far as he could and there up ahead he sees a gas station. He slowly coasted in to the station and got a much-needed fill up. Tom sat back and said, "Thank you, Santa Claus. Thank you." It was nice of Santa to offer the help on his most busy day of the year. Another time while in Alberta, Canada, Tom was working with well-known Canadian celebrity Michael Hogan. With the Edmonton Oilers are out of town, there was not much else to do, so Tom and Michael went to a local video store to pick up a movie. When they walked in to the store, they noticed that it was "Michael Hogan Week," with pictures and posters and specials on Michael Hogan movies. Tom convinced Michael to go to the sales lady and introduce himself. Michael says to the sales lady, "Hi, I'm Michael Hogan. It's me!" The elderly woman looks up and says, "Well, that must be very nice for you, then." I guess my reaction to Michael Hogan wouldn't be much different. Tom's "Love Monkey" debuts Tuesday on CBS at 10:00 PM. He plays a guy who once worked with a big music company but now works for a small music company. We see a clip with Cavanagh and our own Paul Shaffer walking down Broadway under the Late Show marquee. Paul, playing himself, asks Tom's character to spell his last name "Shaffer." If Tom can spell it correctly, Paul will agree to help get one of Tom's bands on the Late Show. Tom can't get past the second letter. Back from commercial, Dave is talking about Jennifer and her ordeal in Pamplona with that certain bull when suddenly a lovely actress enters, accompanied by music from Paul. She sits in the guest chair and immediately starts to ramble. Actress: "It's so funny. People think because I'm an actress, I don't eat. But I love food! I eat whatever I want! It's so funny, whenever I go over my friends' house, they're like, 'Hide the Twinkies!' because they totally know I love food. Can I tell you? You know what I ate last week? A Kit Kit bar! Seriously, I did. I ate it! It was hilarious! A couple weeks ago I was totally jones-ing for a slice of pizza and a Domino's commercial came on!" (humming the Twilight Zone theme) "So my boyfriend and I ordered Domino's, and I totally inhaled a slice. Anyway, (to the audience) enjoy my movie!" She then exits. Dave is bewildered. Paul is confused. Who was that? Nobody knows. My guess is she has a show on UPN. ACT 5: Alan: "Let's play, 'Which one of these things is not like the others?' Can you guess which of these things is not like the others?" We see a hammer, a drill, a screwdriver, and a headshot of Ryan Seacrest. Alan: "Time's up! Did you get it? It was a trick question! They're all tools! Thanks for playing and we'll be right back with more crap." JAKE JOHANNSEN: Very funny. I enjoyed Jake's take on TV; TV's addiction to drugs; Celebrex, Prilosec; Nexxium; Acid Reflux; and spooky burps. And that was our show for Friday, January 13, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA! I'm driving to work this morning through the fog on the Palisades Parkway. I'm not sure when I learned this but I know I learned it long before I ever got my license: when you're driving in the fog, you don't put on your headlights so you can see better; you put on your headlights so others can see YOU better. Why don't people get this? It's pea-soup-fog and you have people driving without their headlights. It's just another one of those things I don't get. Last weekend as I was putting away the Christmas decorations in the attic, I decided to take down my fly-fishing rod. I bought the fly-fishing rod 11 years ago. I used it once. And then 10 years ago, I was blessed with twin girls. The rod hasn't been out since. (STOP IT, YOU WITH THE FILTHY MINDS!!!) Ten years ago I put away the fly-fishing rod and I haven't used it since. Now I'm starting to get the urge to head up to the Delaware River and spend a morning not catching fish. I've never caught a fish on my fly rod, probably because I have no idea what I'm doing. I became interested in fly-fishing years ago after seeing the movie, "A River Runs Through It." I wanted to look like Brad Pitt. I headed out to the nearest sporting goods store and picked up a rod. I practiced casting in my backyard and after convincing myself I wouldn't embarrass myself, I headed north to an opening on the Delaware up near Roscoe, New York. Again, I had no idea what I was doing, but there I stood midstream in my waders casting and casting and casting. I had a lot of fun and was glad no fish were biting to interrupt my fun. I was even able to figure out how to pocket a can of beer during my stand out in the river and not have it spill while I cast. All in all, it was a good day. The best part was imagining the people driving across a nearby bridge on Route 17 looking down at the expert fisherman working his fly. I know they were jealous of the guy in his waders hooking trout after trout. And that guy in the river was me . . . except for the "hooking the trout" part. So when the weather warms up a bit, I'm going to try the fly-fishing again and hope to come across a really really dumb trout. I received some e-mail commiserating over my supermarket travails. I got stuck between two double-parkers inside the supermarket the other day. A double-parker is someone who parks their cart on one side of the aisle and looks and occupies the other side of the aisle while browsing at food items, blocking my route. I was trapped between two of them. From Patti Gordon of Huntington, New Jersey: "Just a note to say I enjoyed your supermarket story and I totally agree with you. I fell the same way you do . . . the less I talk to people outside my home, the better. I don't pick up my carriage and then drop it like you (although I will try this next time), I just sit there and sigh out loud. Some people get it, but most don't. Happy shopping." From Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin: "Shopping tips from Joe: grasp your cart from the front and pull it with your right hand. As you approach the offending cart simply push it out of the way with your left hand clearing a path like a pulling guard on third and four. If the other person notices, smile politely and say excuse me. If the other person gets snotty, I pretend that I don't hear. My goal in the supermarket is to get out quick." Thank you, Joe and Patti. I'm glad I'm not the only one who suffers. I tend to park my cart in an unbusy area at the supermarket and make dashing darts with my little basket to collect my items. I then drop off my items in the cart and dash off again. One time I left my cart in the feminine napkins section. When I returned, all these women were bitching at me for leaving an unattended cart. I didn't think that decision through all the way. Next time I left my cart by the greeting cards. It wasn't so bad there. Tom Cavanagh; and Jake Johanssen. PLUS: Audience Show and Tell; Will It Float; a top ten list; and an actress stops in unexpectedly. AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL A&S#1: Rick Zimmer of Portland, Oregon. He's a theater director at a Mt. Hood Community College. Last year they put on "Little Shop of Horrors" and "Henry V." He's here in New York City on a business trip seeing shows on Broadway. What does Rick have for us? In the 1995 film, "Things I Never Told You," with Andrew McCarthy, Rick's hands appeared as the surgeon preparing for an operation. We see a clip of McCarthy lying on a gurney. A doctor's hands appear in the overhead shot. The hands are the only thing we see of the doctor. Nice work. A&S#2: Glenn Schroter of Bayside, New York. He's a daycare business manager, overseeing 700 children. What does Glenn do? He can play songs on a touchtone phone. We just so happens to have a touchtone phone nearby. Glenn picks up the phone and starts to press the buttons. I don't know what number he dialed, but the song was the Olympic theme. Nice job, Glenn. His big talent was getting clearance from the Olympics. A&S#3: Jennifer Smith of Roselle Park, New Jersey. She's a Human Resource Manager for TV Guide. How was her drive in to the city today? Wasn't bad. She took the bus. What's she got? Jennifer participated in Pamplona, Spain's Running of the Bulls. And she has footage. Now footage of just participating in the Running of the Bulls is pretty good, but not quite good enough to be in the #3 position of Audience Show and Tell. There must be more. And there is. Jennifer got gored during the festival by one of the angry bulls. We see the clip. There's Jennifer running through the streets of Pamplona . . . and there's Jennifer getting gored and stomped by a bull in Pamplona. OUCH!! That was pretty bad! Jennifer says she was gored in the leg and suffered some swelling of the brain. This round goes to the bull. And that was Audience Show and Tell. Dave says he feels bad for Jennifer and by no means did he mean to compare her to the "idiots" you see on TV running with the bulls. Besides, she only suffered from just a little brain swelling. This past Monday, "The Phantom of the Opera" surpassed "Cats" to become the longest-running show in the history of Broadway. Dave doesn't normally follow musical theater but he couldn't help noticing this announcement. Announcer: "After 7,486 stunning performances, Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Phantom of the Opera' is officially the longest-running show in Broadway history, continuing to thrill theater-goers more than 17 years into its magnificent run. But if you can't get tickets to this timeless classic, why not check out another hideous, brooding freak who torments theater audiences every night?" (footage of Dave making entrance at start of the Late Show) "The Late Show: good tickets always available." WILL IT FLOAT? Once again, the "Will It Float" home-game was one of the most popular toys this Christmas. All the proceeds from the home-game go towards the Will It Float Foundation. Dave received a call from an orphanage regarding Will It Float. He was told the kids are allowed to stay up late once a week to watch the Will It Float festivities. Dave can't believe that he sometimes gets mail informing him of people's dislike of Will It Float. It doesn't make sense to him at all. Tonight's item: a 1 gallon jug of 'Grandma's" molasses. The jug is made of plastic. And tonight, we're playing for a log splitter. Dave says it will float. Paul says it will float. The Will It Float models drop the plastic gallon jug of "Grandma's" molasses into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . sinks like a lead weight. I never saw molasses move that fast. I think Dave and Paul got taken in by the "plastic" jug. TOP TEN: Signs You Live in America's Fattest City - a men's fitness magazine came out with a list of the top 25 fattest cities in the United States. #1 . . . . Chicago. On the Top Ten FYI blue card, I included an explanation of the list in the magazine and the following short list of fattest cities: #1. Chicago #2. Las Vegas #3. Los Angeles #25. New York City I wanted to add Indianapolis at #11 but was afraid I would be adding too much and cause confusing. So I gave the above blue card, and included a sheet with the entire list of 25. Dave went with the sheet. I was correct in his mentioning Indianapolis. The entire list: 1. Chicago 2. Las Vegas 3. Los Angeles 4. Dallas 5. Houston 6. Memphis 7. Long Beach, California 8. El Paso 9. Kansas City, Mo. 10. Mesa, Arizona 11. Indianapolis 12. San Antonio 13. Fort Worth 14. Miami 15. Detroit 16. Columbus, Ohio 17. Oklahoma City 18. Cleveland 19. Wichita 20. Charlotte 21. San Diego 22. Fresno 23. Philadelphia 24. San Jose, Calif. 25. New York Signs You Live in America's Fattest City: #8. It has a Big & Tall Lenscrafters #5. Worst criminals are sentenced to life in prison with no chance of pudding #1. Most common nickname: Hoss Before introducing the first guest, Dave reads some of the mail he's received concerning Will It Float. Dear Dave, Kudos to your Will It Float segment. It makes the orphans forget just for a moment how miserable life can be. You're a hero, David Letterman, a true American hero. Rev. Edward Zick, Millbrook, New York. Dear Mr. Letterman, I had very poor eyesight. Thanks to your Will It Float segment I no longer need glasses and guess what, I bowled a perfect 300 game! Sincerely, Richard Quinn Ohama, Nebraska Dear Mr. LeHerman, I also was gored in the ass by a bull. Is Jennifer single? Bob Kaplan, Brooklyn, New York TOM CAVANAGH: He stars in the new CBS program, "Love Monkey," Tuesday's at 10:00 PM. Tom spent the holidays at his parents' place in Quebec. On the drive up, he got kind of lost and the gas gauge was on "E." Tom was in the middle of nowhere. At a lonely intersection, he contemplated what to do next; straight, left, right, back from where he came. He didn't have many miles left before the car was out of gas. Tom says he didn't panic but he admits to seeing an old guy in a truck drive up. He had white hair and a long white beard . . . on Christmas Eve. Tom asked the guy if he knew the closest gas station. The guy said, "Just go one mile and make a left in Littleton." Tom drove as instructed and ran out of gas at the top of a hill. He coasted as far as he could and there up ahead he sees a gas station. He slowly coasted in to the station and got a much-needed fill up. Tom sat back and said, "Thank you, Santa Claus. Thank you." It was nice of Santa to offer the help on his most busy day of the year. Another time while in Alberta, Canada, Tom was working with well-known Canadian celebrity Michael Hogan. With the Edmonton Oilers are out of town, there was not much else to do, so Tom and Michael went to a local video store to pick up a movie. When they walked in to the store, they noticed that it was "Michael Hogan Week," with pictures and posters and specials on Michael Hogan movies. Tom convinced Michael to go to the sales lady and introduce himself. Michael says to the sales lady, "Hi, I'm Michael Hogan. It's me!" The elderly woman looks up and says, "Well, that must be very nice for you, then." I guess my reaction to Michael Hogan wouldn't be much different. Tom's "Love Monkey" debuts Tuesday on CBS at 10:00 PM. He plays a guy who once worked with a big music company but now works for a small music company. We see a clip with Cavanagh and our own Paul Shaffer walking down Broadway under the Late Show marquee. Paul, playing himself, asks Tom's character to spell his last name "Shaffer." If Tom can spell it correctly, Paul will agree to help get one of Tom's bands on the Late Show. Tom can't get past the second letter. Back from commercial, Dave is talking about Jennifer and her ordeal in Pamplona with that certain bull when suddenly a lovely actress enters, accompanied by music from Paul. She sits in the guest chair and immediately starts to ramble. Actress: "It's so funny. People think because I'm an actress, I don't eat. But I love food! I eat whatever I want! It's so funny, whenever I go over my friends' house, they're like, 'Hide the Twinkies!' because they totally know I love food. Can I tell you? You know what I ate last week? A Kit Kit bar! Seriously, I did. I ate it! It was hilarious! A couple weeks ago I was totally jones-ing for a slice of pizza and a Domino's commercial came on!" (humming the Twilight Zone theme) "So my boyfriend and I ordered Domino's, and I totally inhaled a slice. Anyway, (to the audience) enjoy my movie!" She then exits. Dave is bewildered. Paul is confused. Who was that? Nobody knows. My guess is she has a show on UPN. ACT 5: Alan: "Let's play, 'Which one of these things is not like the others?' Can you guess which of these things is not like the others?" We see a hammer, a drill, a screwdriver, and a headshot of Ryan Seacrest. Alan: "Time's up! Did you get it? It was a trick question! They're all tools! Thanks for playing and we'll be right back with more crap." JAKE JOHANNSEN: Very funny. I enjoyed Jake's take on TV; TV's addiction to drugs; Celebrex, Prilosec; Nexxium; Acid Reflux; and spooky burps. And that was our show for Friday, January 13, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA! I'm driving to work this morning through the fog on the Palisades Parkway. I'm not sure when I learned this but I know I learned it long before I ever got my license: when you're driving in the fog, you don't put on your headlights so you can see better; you put on your headlights so others can see YOU better. Why don't people get this? It's pea-soup-fog and you have people driving without their headlights. It's just another one of those things I don't get. Last weekend as I was putting away the Christmas decorations in the attic, I decided to take down my fly-fishing rod. I bought the fly-fishing rod 11 years ago. I used it once. And then 10 years ago, I was blessed with twin girls. The rod hasn't been out since. (STOP IT, YOU WITH THE FILTHY MINDS!!!) Ten years ago I put away the fly-fishing rod and I haven't used it since. Now I'm starting to get the urge to head up to the Delaware River and spend a morning not catching fish. I've never caught a fish on my fly rod, probably because I have no idea what I'm doing. I became interested in fly-fishing years ago after seeing the movie, "A River Runs Through It." I wanted to look like Brad Pitt. I headed out to the nearest sporting goods store and picked up a rod. I practiced casting in my backyard and after convincing myself I wouldn't embarrass myself, I headed north to an opening on the Delaware up near Roscoe, New York. Again, I had no idea what I was doing, but there I stood midstream in my waders casting and casting and casting. I had a lot of fun and was glad no fish were biting to interrupt my fun. I was even able to figure out how to pocket a can of beer during my stand out in the river and not have it spill while I cast. All in all, it was a good day. The best part was imagining the people driving across a nearby bridge on Route 17 looking down at the expert fisherman working his fly. I know they were jealous of the guy in his waders hooking trout after trout. And that guy in the river was me . . . except for the "hooking the trout" part. So when the weather warms up a bit, I'm going to try the fly-fishing again and hope to come across a really really dumb trout. I received some e-mail commiserating over my supermarket travails. I got stuck between two double-parkers inside the supermarket the other day. A double-parker is someone who parks their cart on one side of the aisle and looks and occupies the other side of the aisle while browsing at food items, blocking my route. I was trapped between two of them. From Patti Gordon of Huntington, New Jersey: "Just a note to say I enjoyed your supermarket story and I totally agree with you. I fell the same way you do . . . the less I talk to people outside my home, the better. I don't pick up my carriage and then drop it like you (although I will try this next time), I just sit there and sigh out loud. Some people get it, but most don't. Happy shopping." From Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin: "Shopping tips from Joe: grasp your cart from the front and pull it with your right hand. As you approach the offending cart simply push it out of the way with your left hand clearing a path like a pulling guard on third and four. If the other person notices, smile politely and say excuse me. If the other person gets snotty, I pretend that I don't hear. My goal in the supermarket is to get out quick." Thank you, Joe and Patti. I'm glad I'm not the only one who suffers. I tend to park my cart in an unbusy area at the supermarket and make dashing darts with my little basket to collect my items. I then drop off my items in the cart and dash off again. One time I left my cart in the feminine napkins section. When I returned, all these women were bitching at me for leaving an unattended cart. I didn't think that decision through all the way. Next time I left my cart by the greeting cards. It wasn't so bad there.


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