Time on the roundup, six past the hour. I heard that this weekend on WCBS-AM 880 and smiled.

A new medical study has concluded that over-the-counter cough syrups are basically worthless. The cough syrup manufacturers dispute this, but they're already changing how they market their products. Dave shows an example of what he is talking about. He holds up a box of Robitussin Cough/Pancake Syrup. Not only is it a cough syrup, it doubles as pancake syrup. There near the bottom of the box: "Also effective on waffles."

And did you see this month's issue of Vanity Fair? Lindsay Lohan is accusing the magazine of using misleading quotes to make it seem like she confessed to drug use and eating disorders. Dave holds up the magazine with Lindsay on the cover. Now the magazine is explaining everything in this announcement.
Announcer:

"In response to Vanity Fair's scandalous cover story on Lindsay Lohan, the actress has accused the magazine of blatantly misquoting her. And after looking into the matter, Vanity Fair's editors have determined that Ms. Lohan is correct and the shocking confessions of drug use, eating disorders, and trysts with Hollywood hunks were actually quotes from next month's cover story on Alan Greenspan. We apologize for the error. Vanity Fair: It's all here."

"George Washington University Hospital wishes to assure all Americans that Vice President Dick Cheney is perfectly healthy. Also, we'd like to congratulate Vice President Cheney on being named to the George Washington University Hospital's 'Admiral's Club' for his 50th visit! Mr. Cheney will receive his own 'Admiral's Club' membership card, a complimentary phlebitis check, and a coupon for a free onion loaf at any participating Tony Roma's restaurant.
George Washington University Hospital. Health Care for People."

It's time for "Charles Grassley Asks The Tough Questions." Samuel Alito's confirmation hearings entered their third day today and the Senators kept the judge's feet to the fire. That's the reason for this next segment, "Charles Grassley Asks The Tough Questions."
Charles Grassley, 5-term U.S. Senator from Iowa: "And so clarify for me: Do you believe that the President of the United States is above the law and the Constitution?" Alito: "Nobody in this country is above the law, and that includes the President." The audience acted confused. This saddened me; worried me. I feared they didn't realize the question, "Do you believe that the President of the United States is above the law and the Constitution?" was a simple question worthy of a grade school Social Studies class. And here it is being asked to a nominee to the United States Supreme Court. It was a simple question, people, not a tough question at all!

A TIME LINE OF THE SAMUEL ALITO CONFIRMATION HEARINGS - and a kudo to Paul and the band for a fine intro song to the piece. Very funny.
11:00 AM - a riveted nation tunes into the Alito hearings.
11:05 AM - Nation trolls the dial for "The Price is Right"
11:30 AM - Things become tense when Dianne Feinstein asks how Alito would rule in the matter of Nick vs. Jessica
Noon - Ten minute break as Senators receive word of Dick Cheney's heart attack.
12:50 PM - Ten minute break as Senators receive word of another Cheney heart attack
1:00 PM - Unexpected statement by the late Senator Strom Thurmond
2:30 PM - Tito and Marlon Jackson show up to lend their support
3:00 PM - Dick Cheney suffers another heart attack. Judicial Chairman Arlen Specter \ tells Senators they can't take a break every time Cheney has a heart attack
3:15 PM - President Bush phones in a nickname: "Neat-O Alito"
4:45 PM - Alito issue terse, "No Comment," to the question, "Are you a virgin?"
5:00 PM - A confused George W. Bush watches "Judge Joe Brown" and screams, "I thought I nominated a white dude!"

During the timeline, Dave goes back and offers another tough question supposedly posed to Judge Samuel Alito: "Do you think doors should open in, or out?"

Hey, here's something new! Here's how we play "Is Dave Being Insulted?":
-behind the scrim is a guy who cannot speak English
-he will say something directed to Dave in his own native language
-Dave will then guess if he was insulted, or not.

What are we playing for? Alan chimes, "Dave, it's a brand new car!"
And what language will the gentleman be speaking?"
Alan: "Dave, the gentleman will be speaking . . . . Swedish!"
The scrim is raised and we find a young gentleman prepared to speak in Swedish. Will Dave be insulted? Dave beats the kid to the punch by saying to him, "Nice sweater. What happened, the guy couldn't guess your weight?"
The Swede speaks a paragraph in Swedish. The Swede sounded sweet. I don't think Dave was insulted. Dave doesn't either. Alan, was Dave insulted?
Alan: "Dave, the words just spoken to you . . . . were insulting! Yes, our Swedish friend just said you have a difficult time making friends because people don't share your value system and you smell like cheap after-shave and supermarket gin."
So, Dave was insulted by the Swede. And to think that just a few years ago, Dave won an Aftonbladet.

Following the insult, Dave tossed his table-full of blue cards at our Swedish friend. Unfortunately, one of those cards was the Top Ten. Staffers scurry around the theater looking for the correct card.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR BOSS IS DRUNK - a study estimates that 15% of the American work force drinks on the job.
Signs Your Boss Is Drunk:
#1. He tosses blue cards at unsuspecting Swedes! --- no, no, I just made that one up. #10. Starts each day by taking a leak on your desk.
#4. Reeks of cocktail onions and pepper spray.
#3. Spends the afternoon distributing photocopies of his ass.
Big reaction from audience. Our audiences love the word, "ass."

QUEEN LATIFAH: She's in the film, "Last Holiday," which opens Friday. For the film, she had to learn how to snowboard. She did a bit of skateboarding as a kid so that gave her a head start. Some of what you see in the film, "Last Holiday," is her snowboarding but of course the wild flips and stuff was a stunt double. Next, the Queen wants to go sky-diving. She always dreamt that she could fly and now wants to experience that feeling for real by jumping out of a plane. She feels she may have been a bird in another life.
In my past life, I dreamt I was buried in a dead end job without any hope for advancement. . . . . . Hold it a second. I'm sorry. That's THIS life.

This past summer, Queen Latifah went on a 20-city tour by bus. It was her first time touring in 5 years. The bus became nicknamed the "Diggler" after Dirk Diggler from "Boogie Nights." Dang! Now THERE'S your movie! Let's get a piece of that. How was touring 20 cities during the summer? She said it was lots of fun; lots of work; and it was busy going from one city to the next. It was, "Get in town. Rock that ass! Then leave." Dave softly repeats with interest, "Oh, so you rocked that ass."
The film, "Last Holiday" opens Friday. We see a clip of her smashing a cell phone with her shoe. Ahhh, right up my alley. I may go to this movie just to see that fantasy again.

"BAY AREA" BOB SARLATTE - An old friend of the show, dating back to Dave's announcer from his daytime "David Letterman Show" back in the summer of 1980. He just finished his 22nd year as field announcer for the San Francisco 49ers. How's the family? Bob is the dad of two girls; 22 and 20. He likes to unintentionally bother them. He'll listen to their music and sing along. Of course, the girls don't like that, especially when he analyzes the lyrics. One line from a popular song, "I took the dollar cab, hey . . ." He says, "Hey, I get it. When he took the dollar cab, he means public transportation. He took the bus!"
And it's worse when he tries to dance. Bob went to a wedding recently and got up to dance. Ever see a 55-year-old dance? Bob gives an example of what he can do. Uh oh, I got 8 more years before I dance like that.
Did Bob like the College Bowl games? Bob likes to dabble in a bit of the sports gambling and has learned to listen closely to the guy who knows the team mascots. If someone says, "I like Arizona over Rutgers," it doesn't mean much. But if another guy says "I don't know, I'm leaning towards the Scarlet Knights this week," you should quickly put your money down on the Rutgers Scarlet Knights. When Tulane is playing, listen to the guy who has a strong opinion on the Green Wave.
Doing the stand-up comedy? Bob says he's mostly spending time doing the corporate gigs and banquets. And he's picked up on a move that guys make that you only really see at a sports banquet. Bob calls it the "Half-Butt." You'll see it when an athlete is introduced to the audience, but they athlete is being sheepish and kind of self-effacing, as if they don't consider themselves a big star. Bob will announce, "And we're joined tonight by a man who batted a career 512 home funs to equal his idol, Ted Williams . . . say hello to Willie McCovey!" And Willie McCovey will rise ever so slightly out of his chair and give a wave. Only half his butt, one cheek, leaves the chair. And the athlete doesn't even say "Thank You." It's more like, "k'you." Like the Half-Butt, it's the half "thank you."
And Bob and Dave discuss professional wrestlers and their submission holds.
"Bay Area" Bob Sarlatte - what's coming up next for Bob? Not much, says an honest Bob.

ACT 5: "It's time for Al Norwood's Microphone Test!"
Cut to Al Norwood checking out his microphone. Al: "Check, check, one two, check, one two one two, check check check, hey hey hello hello hello, check check check, one two, one two."
Alan: "Nice going, Al! Sounds like that microphone's a winner! This has been the Al Norwood Microphone Test! We'll be right back.

IMOGEN HEAP: She's back! From her new CD, "Speak for Yourself," the innovative Imogen Heap performed "Good Night and Go."

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 11, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

It was harrowing. My trips to the supermarket are becoming increasingly frustrating and aggravating. You know how I hate when shoppers "double park" in the aisle. By "double park" I mean when they park their shopping cart on the right side of the aisle and then stand on the left side of the aisle to look at spaghetti sauce, hence, blocking the whole aisle so I can't get through. It happens all the time and the double-parked shopper never has any idea that I am trying to get past. Their peripheral vision is non-existent. They will just stand there and stand there and stand there trying to decide between Ragu and Aunt Millie's. All the while I wait for them to move their cart to the same side as themselves to open a lane. And I hate human contact so much that I rarely say "excuse me." Plus, I shouldn't have to. They should be aware of their surroundings and see that I want to get past. It's simple common courtesy. So this weekend I'm doing a quick round of shopping. Of course, it happens again. I can't get through. I lift my cart ever so slightly and drop it so the shopper can hear me if not see me. Once I get their attention, I'm sure they'll move. The woman pretends she doesn't hear me. I get nearer and still she studies the sauces, not moving either herself or her cart. I now try to make it a sociological study to see how long it takes before the shopper bangs in to consciousness. It rarely happens, though. People are so wrapped up in their own little world, unaware of anything around them. So I wait and I wait. It becomes apparent to me that the woman is conducting her own little sociological experiment, seeing how long she can keep a middle-aged man from continuing on his route. In desperation, I admit to myself that she has won and resign myself to make a U-turn and go the other way. I make my U-turn and there in front of me is an elderly gentleman studying the noodles; Rigatoni or Rotelle, Rigatoni or Rotelle. He too has double parked. I do my little tricks of lifting my cart and dropping it; ahem-ing, ahem-ing; approaching right up to his cart and waiting. Nothing works. He doesn't see me, doesn't hear me, doesn't produce any evidence that he knows there are other shoppers in the supermarket. I'm trapped. I can't go north. I can't go south. I have 20 feet of freedom to stand and study the Parmesan cheeses. I look up and down the aisle and still they haven't moved. I have no where to go, so it's the Parmesan cheeses I study. Finally, the first woman starts to move. She finally decided she didn't want either Ragu or Aunt Millie's. I decide to give her a taste of her own medicine. I double park and pretend I don't see her. I can sense she is inches away. She is. And she taps my cart with her cart and says in a snotty tone, "Excuse me!" I look at her with surprise and she mouths without voicing, "I gotta get through." I smile an "I-don't-get-it" smile and allow the woman to pass. I apologize and explain, "I didn't see you." She mutters a "thank you" and goes on by

Congratulations to Late Show Director Jerry Foley for his Directors Guild of America nomination for Outstanding Achievement in Musical Variety for 2005.
The announcement:

MUSICAL VARIETY
The nominees for the Directors Guild of America Award for Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Musical Variety for 2005 are (in alphabetical order):
JERRY FOLEY
"LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN" - SHOW #2452, CBS
Associate Directors: Randi Grossack, Jessica Santini
Stage Managers: Biff Henderson, Frank Comito, Mark Dicso, Edward Valk, Sandy Stevens
This is Mr. Foley's seventh nomination, all for THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN. He was nominated in 2004 for episode #2187, in 2002 for episode #1876, in 2001 for episode #1634, in 2000 for episode #1527, in 1999 for episode #1294, and in 1998 for episode #958.

Congratulations and good luck, Mr. Foley.

And now here's something from my 10-year-old twin daughters, Dominique and Danielle. Dominique likes to write short stories. Here's one she wrote which I really enjoyed, especially how she ended.

Kasey's Problem
Kasey has a problem. Her homework got eaten up by her dog.
Her teacher, Miss Ellis, asked Kasey, "Where's your homework?"
"My dog ate it," said Kasey.
"That is an excuse. What's rule number 4 in this class?" asked Miss Ellis.
"No excuses," said Kasey.
"Yes, now do your homework outside during recess," said Miss Ellis.
Kasey did her homework at recess, and then had another problem.
It was windy.

And then I was telling Danielle that my picture was in the Star magazine and the Globe for when I "arrested" Jim Carrey on the show. She responded immediately with this made-up ditty about daddy.

"Nobody cares,
As you can see.
Nobody cares,
Especially me."

Hey, FabFaux fans in Easton, Pennsylvania,
The Fab Faux are pleased to announce we'll be returning to The State Theatre in Easton PA a special show - The Beatles at the Movies - Sunday February 12
Showtime 7PM- ALL AGES WELCOME.
For more information, click on:
http://www.thefabfaux.com/