Dave offers this peaceful and thoughtful muse: "Sit back and consider this an extension of your weekend."

But I look forward to my weekends!

Dave says, "In my hand I hold the itinerary for the Love Train. Next stop: England." I don't know why the lyrics to "Love Train" were out there. I was a bit alarmed when I saw a white piece of paper on Dave's desk. How? Why? What? I don't know, but since everyone was fine with it, I decided to just go along and not ask questions. Dave had a hankering for "Love Train" tonight.

Since he was referring to "Love Train" all night, here are the lyrics. I was going to just give the website but decided to go ahead with the lyrics here. I was afraid I would use up too much bandwidth. I have no idea what that means. I always hear people say it and always read it in the newsgroups. "Too much bandwidth" . . . what's that mean, like, too much space on the computer memory?

O'Jays Lyrics - Love Train Lyrics

People all over the world (everybody)
Join hands (join)
Start a love train, love train
People all over the world (all the world, now)
Join hands (love ride)
Start a love train (love ride), love train
The next stop that we make will be England
Tell all the folks in Russia, and China, too
Don't you know that it's time to get on board
And let this train keep on riding, riding on through
Well, well
People all over the world (you don't need no money)
Join hands (come on)
Start a love train, love train (don't need no ticket, come on)
People all over the world ( ride this train)(Ride this train, y'all)
Start a love train (Come on, train), love train
All of you brothers over in Africa
Tell all the folks in Egypt, and Israel, too
Please don't miss this train at the station
'Cause if you miss it, I feel sorry, sorry for you
Well
People all over the world (Sisters and brothers)
Join hands (join, come on)
Start a love train (ride this train, y'all), love train (Come on)
People all over the world (Don't need no tickets)
Join hands (come on, ride)
Start a love train, love train
Ride, let it ride
Let it ride
Let it ride
People, ain't no war
People all over the world (on this train)
Join in (ride the train)
Start a love train, love train (ride the train, y'all)
People all over the world (come on)
Join hands (you can ride or stand, yeah)
Start a love train, love train (makin' love)
People all over the world ('round the world, y'all)
Join hands (come on)
Start a love train, love train

Announcer: "This week, the United States Postal service is raising the cost of first-class postage from 37 cents to 39 cents. But because many people have complained of a shortage of two-cent stamps, we're offering an easy alternative. Starting Monday, customers can receive a two-cent credit simply by licking the mailman.
The United States Postal Service: We deliver for you."

Have you heard about the new film, Hostel? It's supposed to be the most scary movie in years, if not of all time. It's a fright. It was the number one movie at the box office this weekend. Dave saw a commercial for it this morning.

Announcer: "Come see the movie everyone is talking about. 'Hostel.' The ultra-sick, thrill ride through the most evil torture chamber on earth. Or, if you want to be subjected to even more bone-chilling torture, see Kevin Costner in 'Rumor Has It'! 'Hostel' and 'Rumor Has It.' Now playing at theaters near you."

Angelina Jolie pregnant? That's the rumor. And we have a clip of one of those news shows reporting on the speculation.

Announcer: "Angelina Jolie pregnant? (photo of Angelina) Tune in to 'Maury' tomorrow for the exciting results of the paternity test and see who's the real father! (photo of Brad Pitt) You're not gonna believe the results.
(shot of Dave slides in beside Brad)
'Maury' - Be There!"

Dave is asked a lot of times about what he does during the music performances on the show. The Temptations were on last Friday night and they were a thrill. One of our cameras remained on Dave during the performance. Tonight, we showed what Dave does during a great performance such as The Temptations.

We see a clip of The Temps singing "My Girl." We cut to a dark silhouette of Dave sitting at the desk. He is tapping his finger on the desk, his head bopping side to side. Back to The Temptations for more singing. Back to Dave, who is now standing and slowly rocking and swaying to the music. Then, Dave gets up on the desk. There he does some sweet stepping and sliding to the fine music from The Temptations. Dave is really into it. Yes, Dave loves his music and it shows. Home viewers miss this.

And more "Love Train."

WHAT THE GOVERNMENT LEARNED FROM WIRETAPPING
- Regis Philbin: 96% of calls end with people hanging up on him.
- Samuel Alito: Nights and weekends, goes by 'Samantha.'
- Dr. Phil: Guy who made up evidence about Iraq also makes up his talk show advice.
- Staples: There's about to be a paper clip shortage.
- Dr. Henry Kissinger: He's one of those humps who answers the phone, "Yello."
- Lorne Greene: Suspiciously quiet since 1987 - Paris Hilton: Once spent 20 minutes talking to a busy signal.

Hmmm, with information like that, maybe it's OK for the government to wiretap.

Book now and Love Train first class passengers with a same-day ticket enjoy the following amenities:
- Comfortable, quiet lounge seating
- Complimentary soft drinks and coffee

TOP TEN: Signs You're At a Bad Applebee's - in New York City, a 5-year-old got drunk when he was mistakenly served a Long Island Iced Tea instead of apple juice in his "sippy" cup. Dave and Paul both agree that 5 years old is too young to be imbibing in the Long Island Iced Teas.
#7. It's a dollar extra if you want your milk shake boneless
#6. Coffee isn't bottomless, but your busboy is
#4. All you hear from the kitchen is, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
#2. The chef just washed his hands . . . in your French onion soup!

ALBERT BROOKS: Albert is a bit emotional. He's had a knot in his stomach all day. This will be his last, his final, appearance on the Letterman show. Dave is a bit shocked. Sick? Albert is not sick, but is confused at Dave's questioning. Albert says that the people at the William Morris agency said to him, "Go now. It's his last week." Dave is surprised, claiming, "I think we'll be here for another 2-3 years." Albert is a bit relieved, but also disappointed that he now can't do what he prepared: a song to Dave, ala Bette Midler to Johnny Carson during his final week on the air. Dave wants to hear it anyway, and pleads with Mr. Brooks to go ahead with the premature tribute. Albert agrees to do it. He grabs Dave's hand and sings a soft and lovely, "Thanks for the Memories," with his own words. It was a lovely tribute. Afterwards, Albert Brooks says he ran into Les Moonves back at the hotel. Brooks mentions to Dave that he may be misinformed about this "2-3 years" thing. Better look into it. Albert has two children; one 7, the other almost 6. Dave says he always hears from friends about children, "it gets better. It always gets better." Dave wonders if that is actually true, and imagines that eventually everyone experiences the eventual "diminishing returns." Albert says, "It does get better, but I don't know your son. Maybe it won't get better."

Albert Brooks' new film, Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World opens January 20th. Albert plays a government official sent to the Muslim world in Pakistan and India to find out what they find funny, what makes them laugh. Once our government learns what makes them laugh, we can learn how to appeal to them more. Brooks spent a couple months there filming, actually shooting at the Taj Mahal. It was difficult since thousands would stop and watch the film shoot. Time and time again they would have to re-shoot because so many of the curious gawkers would stare right into the camera. We see a clip from the film where Albert is asking someone what he finds funny. The guy says he enjoys seeing animals acting like people or doing funny stuff. Albert says, "like Stupid Pet Tricks." The guy liked the description. Kudos to Dave. Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World - opens two Fridays from now. Put it on your list.

ACT 5: Interested in some genuine LATE SHOW memorabilia? Check out the eBay online auction site for the following LATE SHOW items!
A mug used by Dave!
A script from a recent episode!
And LATE SHOW film coordinator Rick Scheckman.
Visit ebay.com now and enter your best bid!
Good luck!

Coming back from commercial, we see Al Chez banging on the tambourine. Dave regales him as the "greatest tambourine player ever." Dave would get an argument from me. My favorite was that chick in Josie and the Pussycats.

KRISTIN CAVALLARI: What do you mean you don't know Kristin Cavallari! The Washington Post recently wrote that she had usurped Lindsay Lohan's "It Girl" status; Rolling Stone featured her in their 2005 Hot List; and the New York Times named her one of the Top 10 characters of the year on TV. And she's only 19.
Kristin has spent the last two years on the MTV reality series, Laguna Beach: The Real O.C. MTV took a camera crew to Laguna Beach's high school to choose a cast of characters to follow around and create a weekly series. Kristin was one of the chosen.
She was a bit unhappy about how she was portrayed. She came off as being bitchy and as having an 'I don't give a damn' attitude. She thinks of herself more as a nice person.
Her parents weren't crazy about the idea of her appearing on Laguna Beach. One episode had her traveling down to Cabo in San Lucas, Mexico. She ended up dancing on a bar. Dad was not too happy.
Now that she's out of high school, she has plans to go to college. Unfortunately, or fortunately, so much is going on with her new career that there is little time left for schooling. After doing some time at Loyola Marymount studying broadcast journalism, she decided to drop out. There just wasn't enough time to devote to her studies.
Right now, she's working at being an actress. The UPN has her set up to be the host of their new show, Get This Party Started which debuts February 7th.

And that was our show for Monday January 9, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

A reality show called Laguna Beach? C'mon, MTV. I want a reality show which takes place at a State college, you know, with students collecting deposit cans to make enough money to buy a six-pack. I don't want kids going to Cabo in Mexico. You want babes dancing on tables at the bar? Go to "The Tavern" in Cortland, New York. There . . . there you'll find some reality! Central New York, state school. You want stories? Hoo boy. Thank goodness no one had video cameras back in the late 70s.

OK, it's official, I'm the only one who is bothered by the stuff I see on sports TV. I think what the networks show during the telecast is so incredibly annoying and stupid at times, but no one else seems to thinks so. . . . except maybe for Phil Mushnick of the New York Post. So I'm watching the Bengals/Pittsburgh Steelers playoff game. The 2nd offensive play for the Cincinnati Bengals is a long completed pass play. Big gain. Unfortunately, Bengal quarterback Carson Palmer gets hit on the play and is on the ground in pain. It doesn't look good. The 2nd play and the Bengals star player is down on the ground hurt. This changes everything. Their whole season is lying on the ground. Everything the Bengals have worked for since July is now in question. Without Carson Palmer, the Cincinnati Bengals are a much different team. This is a BIG story. How bad is he injured? Can he walk it off, or is the injury bad enough to finish him for the game, or the season? This is a huge story and CBS is right there to show it unfold right before our eyes. Or at least I thought CBS would be right there. Right at this moment, CBS takes the opportunity to go away to show us a bed of commercials. WHY? Nothing is more compelling at this moment than the injury to the Bengals most important player. This is incredibly gripping television. Nobody at home at this moment got up to make a sandwich. Everyone was glued to see how this story would unfold. But no. CBS decides to go to commercial with Carson Palmer still on the ground. It is the story of the playoffs and CBS is there LIVE . . . but decides to leave the scene to sell some beer and automobiles. CBS had the whole game to make good on their commitment to their advertisers . . . why did they have to go away now? I was screaming at the TV, and I'm neither a Bengal fan nor a Steeler fan. I'm just a sports fan who can recognize a story as it happens. But the next day, I read nothing about the commercial break in the newspapers. I hear nothing about it on the sports radio shows. It's only me. No one else cares. No one else notices. I don't get it.

And speaking of Phil Mushnick, two things. In Friday's New York Post, he moans about other stuff he finds annoying about televised sporting events. Here, he covers the ABC coverage of the Texas/USC game from last Wednesday.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01062006/sports/59951.htm

Grammar goon alert: And then on Sunday, Phil Mushnick writes about a letter he received from a reader:

"Mike Shedler, Manhattan-based CPA, asks if it's a nit-pick to note that there should be a comma after the 'You' in the 'Thank You Fans' that this season appears through the ice in NHL arenas. No, Mike, considering that it's only three words - words to be read over and over and by millions - it's not a nit-pick. It should have been correctly punctuated to read, 'Thank You, Fans.'"

I know a lot of you aren't sports fans, but what I usually write about sports isn't so much about the game; it's about the coverage of the game. I think we can all appreciate that, sports fan or no sports fan.

As I was saying . . . The New York Football Giants open their 2006 season in September. The next time Tiki Barber runs for a long gain, look for wide receiver Plaxico Burress downfield blocking. It's the best in the league.

Oh, and if you're interested in this exciting new arena of TV blogging by actual TV show staffers, check out this article I came across:
http://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/entertainment/13575569.htm

TV blogging now seems to be all the rage . . . and it's brand new. Why hasn't anyone done this before? All this behind-the-scenes stuff from actual staffers! Wow! It's ground-breaking!

The Wahoo Gazette: Here since '96.