Contestant #1. Jessica from the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Hey! A local! Not sure the last time we had one of those. She's an investment analysis. I'm a pretty good investment analysis . . . after the fact. She's here with her fiancé, Jeremy, who happens to be wearing the same tie as Dave. I found this very surprising . . . not because they had the same tie . . . but because a guy in our audience was actually wearing a tie.
Question #1. "People recently counted down '3.... 2... 1....' as they watched what?"
Answer: "President Bush's approval rating."
Question #2. "Donald Trump has surprised followers by hinting he wants to become what?"
Answer: "One of them gay cowboys."

Contestant #2. Mark of Elk, Grove, Illinois.
He's a self-employed contractor. And while he's here, I bet there's someone in Elk Grove still waiting to have a new floor put in. It's been weeks! Dave's experience with contractors seems to be the same as everyone else's. . . it takes at least 6 months longer than expected no matter what it is. Is Mark on time and on budget? Mark says with confidence, "Yeah, pretty much all the time." Hey, not bad. But why am I always on the other side of "pretty much"?
Question #3. "The end of the NFL regular season means the beginning of what?"
Mark answers: "Baseball season?" Nope.
Answer: "The New York Jets annual eight-month vacation."
Question #4. "What New Year's Resolution have I, Dave, already broken?"
Mark answers: "Drinking?" Nope . . . unfortunately.
Answer: "Avoiding unfunny audience quizzes."
I liked Mark's participation and his attempts. Nice job. Now get back to Elk Grove and put that new floor in.

Contestant #3. Jeanette of Brattleboro, Vermont.
She's a legal secretary. What does she know about Brattleboro. Jeanette knows it's cold. And today is Jeanette's birthday!
Ahhh.
Question #5. "In his inaugural address, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg pledged to do what?
Answer: "Rid the city of 50-foot tall apes."
The audience laughs. Dave advises, "Get a hold of yourself. It wasn't all that good."
Question #6. "For several hours on New Year's Eve, Regis Philbin did what?"
Answer: "Annoyed millions of Fox viewers.

Dave offers Vicki the chance to read one of the KYCE questions.
Question #7. "What dropped right on schedule on New Year's Eve at midnight?"
Jeanette answers: "The Ball?" Nope.
Answer: "Bill Clinton's pants."

And that was Know Your Current Events.

During the opening of the show while you're watching the opening sequence and announce, Dave comes running across the stage behind the scrim. Tonight, he lost a shoe. Yes, the show was that good tonight! So good that Dave came right out of his shoes.
I know. That doesn't make any sense.

We have a friend here at the LATE SHOW who has been working with CBS for 38 years now. He's Johnny Dark, the oldest CBS page.

DAVE: "Good to see you, Johnny. How was your New Year?"
JOHNNY: (muttering) "How was your New Year? Son-of-a . . ."
DAVE: "Did you head down to Times Square to watch the ball drop?"
JOHNNY (muttering) "Did you watch the ball drop? You piece of sh . . I oughta . . . grab you by the . . .
DAVE: "Do you have any resolutions this year?"
JOHNNY: "Hey, hold on a second, pork chop! Let me ask you a question for a change. Why do we gotta do the same lame-ass song and dance every week . . . . blah blah blah blah. I mean, come on! Damn, man, come on!"
DAVE: "Is everything all right, Johnny? What's the matter?"
JOHNNY: (muttering) "What's the matter? Is everything all right?" (now angry) "What's the matter? Just the start of thankless year #39 in this dump. I have pissed my life away. Happy 'givl'ing New Year, you prick bastard." Johnny gives the finger, then exits.

Dave opens the Top Ten, then adds, "But before the top ten, let's play 'Will It Float?'"
Tonight's item: a 32-ounce bottle of Mop N' Glo. A plastic bottle.
It floats. I think Dave said it would float. Paul, I think, said it would sink due to the density of the floor detergent.
This didn't quite live up to the usual since the Grinder Girl's grinder wasn't plugged in. Actually, we blew a fuse . . . or it was a short in the system . . . or something electrical like that. It was plugged in ready to go but something else cause the grinder not to operate.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Kitty is a Genius - A man in Columbus, Ohio had fallen in his home and needed medical help. He could not get to the phone. Luckily, his cat was able to dial 9-1-1.
#9. He's the only one in your family who could assemble your IKEA coffee table.
#7. He only purrs when "Meet the Press" is on
#6. Won 28 Grand on "Jeopardy Kitty Week"
#3. He keeps putting the dog on Ebay.

AMY SEDARIS: She's here to be Amy. It's always fun when Ms. Sedaris pays us a visit; it's sure to be manic and odd and funny and always entertaining.
What do they have in common? Dave says "I've found myself attracted to you on many different levels." Amy quickly counters, "Oh, that's where we're different."
Amy likes to come to the show even when she has nothing to plug. Does it bother Dave when people only visit when they're trying to sell something? Dave admits he sometimes feels like a pimp of the motion picture companies. He has Amy ask, "Ask me if I care if anyone's seen 'King Kong'." She asks. Dave answers, "I don't give a rat's ass."
Amy saw the show where Dave invited Jennifer Aniston back to his place. What was up with that? Dave says it's a complex from high school, admitting "I could never ask someone like Jennifer Aniston to come over to my house. Now that I have this show and she needs to promote something, I feel I can get away with stuff."
(Yeah, I need a show. This Wahoo doesn't quite get me the same as Dave.)
After some quick talk about zodiac signs, it's time to go.

ALAN KALTER'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2006
Alan: "Thanks, DL. Well, the New Year is here and it's time for my highly anticipated thoughts on what you can expect to see in 2006.
In the world of entertainment, Angelina Jolie will have Brad Pitt's baby and the superstar couple will tie the knot.
In sports, the New York Yankees will make it back to the World Series, thanks to the additions of centerfielder Johnny Damon and set-up man Kyle Farnsworth.
And in business, I, Alan Kalter, will get a hefty raise. That's right. A big one. Lots of zeroes. And don't try to jerk me around! I've seen a lot of crazy stuff around this place and I'd hate for any of it to come out in a book. Remember the dead hooker, Dave? I do. Big Red's not going away till he gets what he wants. I mean it . . ."
Music and graphic drown out whatever else Alan has to say.
Dave: "That's enough, Alan."
Alan: "You can't shut me up, old man."

ACT 5: Alan announce: "It's time for another installment of 'It's a Fact' with George Clarke.
George: "Toothpaste does not make a good cake frosting."
George squirts blue toothpaste onto a birthday cake. He then dives his head into the cake to eat.
George: "It's a fact."
Alan announce: "This has been 'It's a Fact' with George Clarke. Tell your friends."

THE TEMPTATIONS - Their new, soon to be released CD is called, "Reflections." Tonight, The Temptations performed "My Girl." And going into the break and during the break, the studio audience enjoyed "I'm Losing You." That was fun. And that was our show for Friday January 6, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I'm an hour away from my colonoscopy. This is my second time. I've been told I should get it done every 5 years. It makes you realize how fast 5 years flies by. Before the procedure, you have to go a full day without eating and the medication you take really cleans you out. The first thing I do after all is completed is ask the doctor if I can weigh myself on his doctor's scale. It's usually a pretty good number. Another benefit is . . . .hold it, I . . . . I . . . uh oh, I'll be right back.

I was reminded by a Wahoo reader of something Dave said about the medication taken before a colonoscopy. Dave says, "the 'medicine' you take the night before is one of the few things that works exactly as promised."

Well, I'm off. Wish me luck.

Let's go Giants. Watch for Plaxico's downfield blocking. It's the best in the League.

Happy Birthday, Ann and Howie.