Brokeback Mountain has been nominated for 7 Golden Globe Awards. It's that gay cowboy movie where after a day of cowboying, the fellas go back to their bunk and kiss. It's a fine fine picture. So impressed is Dave, he shows a clip of the film to see if you agree. We take a look at the clip and yes, it does look like a gay western. . . . or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Dave drove in this morning to work and was a bit surprised at how empty everything was. No one on the sidewalks, no one driving on the streets. Everybody was off today for this new made-up National holiday. So Dave decided to have some fun. He had someone on staff get in touch with wardrobe designer Sue Hum. He wanted a cupcake costume for tonight's show. "Can we get it by show time?" the host wanted to know. No one asks why he wants a cupcake costume. We never do. If Dave wants a cupcake costume, that's good enough for us. Sue Hum informs that we do not have a cupcake costume in house. But we need it for the show. Can we call out for it? But it's a national holiday . . . no one is working because it's the day after January 1st. Can we make one here? Or better yet, it was more like "Let's make one here, because we need it for tonight's show." And so what did Sue Hum come up with? Out walks Dave's assistant Vicki wearing the cupcake costume. Ta da! This morning, this cupcake costume was only a dream. And now a few hours later . . . we have a cupcake costume!

Paul asks, "But why did we need it?" Dave says he didn't really need it for anything. He just wanted to cause trouble. Ahhhh, 2006. Here we go again.

Have you seen those novelty glasses they wear on New Year's Eve, the ones that spell out "2006"? Of course you have. Dave has a pair and puts them on. The audience responds with gusto and applause and laughter. Oh, boy. That's what our audience wants? That's what our audience rejoices over? OK, why not. Dave decided to go one better than the 2006 novelty glasses. He shows what he picked up at Lenscrafters this weekend. He opens his contact lens case and takes out a lens. He places it on his finger and holds it up for the camera. The camera zooms in. And there on the tiny contact lens is inscribed . . . . 2006. Oh, those zany lenscrafter guys.

President Bush continues to defend his domestic spying program. Have you seen the commercial that’s been running?

Announcer: “President Bush is aware that his domestic spying program is at the center of a heated political debate. As long as America remains at risk, the President vows to continue using the resources at his disposal to protect the American people. That’s why the NSA is pleased to introduce the all-new Terror Time Hotline . . . . your source for the hottest terror chat! Talk with exciting terrorists in your area about partying, turn-ons, and kick-ass evil plots. Plus each week, we reveal the ji-hottie of the week! Pick up the phone, it’s Terror Time!
All calls monitored by the NSA.

We see Harold telling one guy he’s a mess.

How to look thinner? By special effects from the control room, we stretch a guy so his weight is healthy for his new “height.”

Harold: “Besides to lose your virginity, do you have any other resolutions?” Guy answers without a problem, “Learn to cook.”

One guy says he wants to spend more time with his grandma. We can’t supply the guy with his grandma but we can supply him with an elderly woman. After a long pause, the guy asks the woman her name. “My name is Joyce Sallavey,” she answers.

We see one pretty young woman walk by. She doesn’t say anything but Harold suspects her New Year’s resolution is to sleep with more large, bearded men named Harold this year. Another guy wants to quit smoking. Ever hear of emersion therapy? Cut to the guy with 50 cigarettes in his mouth as Harold lights them with a blow torch.

Harold has a resolution. Says Harold, “My resolution is not to break Dave’s windshield.” He then turns with a sledgehammer and smashes the windshield of Dave’s car. “Ooops,” says Harold. I laughed at the response from the audience as they reacted as if that was really Dave’s car. Yeesh. And finally, an elderly woman says her New Year’s resolution is to give up sex. Yeesh.

After the Harold piece, we take another look at Vicki in her cupcake costume, now wearing the hilarious 2006 novelty eyeglasses.

BIFF HENDERSON'S MOVIE REVIEW
BIFF: “Today I’ll be reviewing the new Kevin Costner/Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy, ‘Rumor Has It.’”
(Biff opens newspaper and reads from it directly)
BIFF: “Jennifer Aniston plays a journalist who finds out her grandmother was the inspiration for Mrs. Robinson in ‘The Graduate.’ The script was dull. I found it to be flat and uninteresting. I give it a half a Biff.”
(Half a Biff head appears)
DAVE: “Biff, you just read the review directly from the newspaper. Didn’t you see the film?”
BIFF: “I ain’t spending my weekend watching no pansy-ass Kevin Costner movie!”
(Biff eventually exits)

Dave continues with the cupcake costume. He wanted the cupcake to be standing by for the show. A delighted Dave exclaims, “This morning we didn’t have a costume. And now we have a costume!” It’s great to live in America.

TOP TEN: George W. Bush New Year’s Resolutions.
#3. Respond to reporters questions with, “Bitch, don’t go there.”
#2. Scale back on grueling 12-hour work week.

“Everything was green-lighted,” says Dave. “And now we have a beautiful cupcake costume.” Dave was hoping for trouble, but Sue was able to put together the costume by show time. He wanted some frantic, “It’s not ready! We can’t get the cupcake costume!”

Dave was just being kind to wardrobe designer Sue Hum. She totally misunderstood what he wanted. This morning when the message was relayed to Sue Hum, she misinterpreted Dave’s request. Dave had wanted Vicki to be dressed as a Hostess.

HEATHER GRAHAM: She’s in the new ABC TV program, Emily’s Reasons Why Not. It premieres January 9th.

My first response seeing Heather walk out was how thin she was. And then she says how obsessed she is with food. She says she loves to eat. And she eats all the time. When it comes to food, “I’m a pig!” says Heather. Dave enjoys people who enjoy eating and appreciates her enthusiasm for the activity. But he wonders where she puts it. Heather says she’s been blessed with good genes and doesn’t have to worry much about keeping her weight down. She even confesses to making orgasmic noises when eating. She says her boyfriend wants to know why she doesn’t make those same noises while having sex? Hoo boy, too many comebacks. Brain overload. Oddly, my head is so full of snarky comments that I now have none. What does Heather do for exercise? She does the Pilates. Dave, a man born in the 40s, knows nothing about the Pilates. I too know nothing about the new fad. Dave asks the same thing I always ask when the subject arises; “Is it like yoga?” This is followed by, “Is it done naked?” Heather answers, “No” to the yoga; “if you want” to the naked question. Is it anything like Tae-Bo? No, it’s nothing like Tae-Bo.

What does Dave do for exercise? Dave says, “Just getting out of bed” is enough exercise for him.

Dating? Heather says she recently went out on a date with a guy who had a really nice Ferrari but long nose hair. And she recently went on a yoga retreat where she drank tequila bellybutton shots. Fill up someone’s bellybutton with tequila and then slurp it up. I’m familiar with tequila. I never had it that way, though. I was purely “straight from the bottle” tequila drinker. And I have the college grades to prove it.

DENNIS REGAN: I enjoyed his take on fast food workers. Had its ebbs and flows but rallied nicely. Dennis did a very admirable job under the circumstances. He was originally scheduled to do the 2nd show for Friday but was a last second addition to Monday’s program.

ACT 5: “Congratulations to Late Show writer Joe Grossman who already met his New Year’s resolution goal! Joe resolved to lose 20 pounds this year. He did so after eating some bad clams at a neighborhood seafood restaurant. It was a tough weekend for you Joe, but you lost the weight! Way to go! We’ll be right back.”

FALL OUT BOY: From their new CD, From Under The Cork Tree, Fall Out Boy performed, “Dance, Dance.” I enjoyed it in an odd sort of way. Not my style, but I found it . . . interesting? I’m not sure if 47 year old balding dads are their target audience.

And that was our show for Monday January 2, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

So I'm watching FOX on New Years Eve. I was flipping back and forth between Regis on FOX and Dick Clark on ABC, but come countdown time I found myself watching FOX. And what is the highlight on New Years Eve, the most important thing of the whole night? It's the countdown to 12 midnight, of course. There's lots of shouting and excitement during the entire last minute, flourishing during the final last ten seconds. No matter where you are partying, whether it is with just your immediate family or a crowd of hundreds, you can barely hear the televised countdown and have to rely on the visual digital clock. And so what did FOX do? They decided to go WITHOUT a clock! That's right! The final minute was without a digital clock for the home viewer. Does that make any sense? Heck, FOX can do whatever they want for the 59 minutes leading up to the countdown, but Jiminy Crickets, GET THE CLOCK UP THERE FOR THE FINAL 60 SECONDS!

I like the countdown to New Years. I just wish they didn't have it on so late.

My New Years Resolution: No typoes.

Did you know that they added one second to the year 2005, delaying the new year by one tick of the clock? It had something to do with the earth's rotation and revolving around the sun. I decided to ignore that added second. Now I'm ahead of the game and the rest of the world has to play catch-up to me. I'm leading the world, ma!

For Christmas, my girls got bunk beds for 18-inch dolls. They were advertised in the Lillian Vernon catalog and we thought it would be perfect for their American Girl dolls. Many toy stores advertise doll products as suitable for 18-inch dolls, code for “American Girl dolls.” Stuff for 18-inch dolls come much cheaper than the American Girl line of merchandise. So we ordered two bunk beds. And lo and behold we learned that when Lillian Vernon says suitable for 18-inch dolls, what they really mean is 17-inch dolls. How nice. Christmas morning when Molly McIntyre had to be shoved into the bottom bunk, I got my tape measure to measure the bunks. Yes, the beds were 18 inches but that was from outer edge of the front of the bed to the outer edge of the back of the bed. The actual interior space for the sleeping area was 17 inches. Not a match for an 18-inch doll. So in the spirit of Hee Haw . . . . “Lillian Vernon . . . . SALUTE!” Idiots.

http://www.lillianvernon.com/catalog/product_display.jsp?pdId=1396

Hey! Who gave America off today? Since when is January 2nd a National holiday? Why do we have January 2nd off? Because it's close to January 1st? Close doesn't count except in atom bombs and horseshoes . . . and national holidays.

Hats off to Doug Flutie. New England quarterback Doug Flutie drop-kicked an extra point Sunday in their game against the Dolphins. It hasn't been done since the 40s. Makes me want to go out in the back yard and give it a try. I used to practice it as a kid myself. Do kids today still toy around with it? Or are they busy playing video games?