Following a monologue joke: "By the way, that wasn't a joke . . . that was a coded message."

Especially at the holidays, the Hollywood studios want to have movie tie-in products to buy as gifts. Dave isn't sure this one was a great idea. He holds up a cheery Christmas candle, but it's a King Kong Candle . . . and it's monkey scented. Does that make any sense to you? Dave lights the candle to get the scent of the Bronx Zoo. Ahh, nice monkey smell.

Barbara Walters had a special the other night all about heaven; does it exits; and if so, how to get there. We take a look at a promo for the Special earlier this week.
Announcer:

"In her special on the afterlife, Barbara Walters asked if there's sex in heaven. Well, Dwight Eisenhower would like to say, ‘Hell, yeah!' Ike's getting' his freak on! Dwight Eisenhower --- ‘you wouldn't believe the tail I'm getting'!'"

There is a downside to the holiday season . . . parents having to gently tell their kids that Santa doesn't exist. That is why we debuted this next segment as a public service to parents everywhere.
Announcer:

"Hi, kids! Christmas is a time for being with family, opening gifts and reveling in the true spirit of the holiday season. That is why we thought it's time you learn that Santa doesn't really exist. While this may be hard to hear, it doesn't compare with the pain of being an adult . . . (sad, glum) . . . living a sad, lonely existence, buried under an avalanche of debt, stuck in a dead-end job and trapped in a marriage so loveless that the only thing keeping you from leaving is that the anti-depressant medication that has sapped the last ounce of strength you'd need to pull your fat, miserable ass out of your Barca-lounger.
(Cheerful) Merry Christmas from everyone at the Late Show!"

(guy with lots of cardboard boxes) This retailer is wondering:
A) "Who will help me unpack this merchandise?"
B) "Will this be enough inventory?"
C) "What the hell am I gonna do with 20,000 copies of the Regis Philbin Christmas Album?"

(Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree) The Rockefeller Christmas Tree is:
A) a symbol of peace and hope
B) a beloved New York tradition
C) the reason it takes two hours to drive five blocks

(lone kid on sidewalk leaning against barricade) This child is:
A) delighted by the holiday decorations
B) looking forward to seeing Santa
C) still waiting for his parents to pick him up from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

(Santa with man on his lap) A good title for this scene would be:
A) "Never too old for Santa"
B) "Christmas is for all ages"
C) "Brokeback North Pole"

During the quiz, Dave moved the lit monkey candle and dripped hot monkey was all over his hand. Ouch.

And during the quiz, I believe we listened to a slice of the Regis Philbin Christmas Album. Sounded a little raspy to me. But it'll sell anyway. Regis has got that golden touch.

Dave calls for the lights to brought down. In the dimness, the only thing presenting light is the King Kong Candle. Dave throws some of his magic paper onto the candle and PUFF! A fire flash! Kids, don't try this at home. Come to the Ed Sullivan Theater and do it.

You've heard about the President spying on our fellow Americans. Well, our friend Biff Henderson has a few words in response to this.
We see Biff pick up a phone. He says, "Hey, Bush, why don't you mind your own ‘givl'ing business, dumbass."

TOP TEN: Signs You're At A Bad Mall
#6. The Sbarro Sbucks
#3. You check your coat; 10 minutes later you see it for sale at J.C. Penney.
#1. The only thing half-off is Santa's pants.

At the conclusion of the Top Ten, Dave hears some carolers singing out on 53rd Street. Dave directs our security heads, Bill and Dominick to check it out. The fellows exit the side door and we see some festive carolers singing a lovely carol. Bill and Dom quickly shove them away. No nonsense guys, these two. They know we got a show to put on! Nice work, boys.

JAMIE FOXX: The guy's an Academy Award winner and has just been nominated for two Grammys.
His Grammy noms: Best Male R&B Vocal Performance for his performance on the album "So Amazing: An All-Star Tribute to Luther Vandross.
And Record of the Year for "Gold Digger" with Kanye West.
Jamie tells a funny story about auditioning for the Jerry Maguire role eventually given to Cuba Gooding. Jamie knew immediately he blew the audition. He came in with a television persona, which is loud and obvious, when the movies look for something quieter and more intense. Everything he did wasn't right. And Cuba then won an Oscar. You don't need to remind Jamie of that.
Being an Academy Award winner certainly has its perks. He tried to sell his bright yellow 1996 Bentley. He went to a dealership that offered him $50,000 for it. Jamie thought he could do better, so he put it on E-bay. He made sure it was noted that it was owned by an Oscar winner. He ended up getting $150,000 for it.
Later in the show, Jamie will come back and perform a song from his new CD, "Unpredictable."

ANDY KINDLER: This guy makes me laugh. I like his style. He talks of shopping at Brookstone, where everything's got a digital clock attached to it. He then gives examples of such items. Plus, they match different items together to make it a combo, like a clock radio/shaver/pen and pencil set. He didn't use that example, but I'm rushed to go home and I just made something up. His was much funnier. Andy is a bit of the movie critic as well.
He critiques King Kong; "Dick and Jane" (the books were funnier); "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" (a 6-year-old in sitting in front of Andy at the theater thought it was below his intelligence.)
Andy Kindler - performing at the Improv Comedy Club in Irvine, California on January 11th.

ACT 5: "And now ‘A Gift from Dave to the Home Viewers.' In the spirit of the holiday season, Dave is giving everyone watching tonight a brand new Panasonic HDTV. All you have to do is:
-log onto our website.
-Click the icon marked Panasonic holiday promotion.
-Enter keyword: HDTV
-Create a username and password
-Enter this promotional code: HDX4700Q43
-Type in your e-mail address
-Wait for your confirmation e-mail
-Go to www.cbs.com/panasonic/lateshow/dave/gift/holiday
-Print out the voucher
-Sign and date it.
-Then mail it in to the processing center.
-It's that simple
In 10-12 weeks you'll have a brand new HDTV. Offer expires December 21, 2005. Happy holidays, from Dave!"

JAMIE FOXX: From his new CD, "Unpredictable, and "Jamie Foxx performed . . ." Unpredictable."

And that was our show for Thursday, December 22, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

The transit strike isn't easy for anybody but New Yorkers will band together and make the best of this situation. If we all chip in to make life easier, we will get through this. That is why my bus trip home last night bothered me so much. I walked to the Port Authority at 41st Street and 8th. I and thousands like me are relying on the buses instead of driving in. In fact, this is a great time for the bus companies to show off what a good option they are in coming to the city. They should be putting on their best face in these trying times. So you can imagine my surprise when I went to buy my ticket from one of the 5 windows for Coach USA. The Coach USA bus line is dedicated to parts of northern Jersey and Rockland County in New York. But tonight, on the second day of the strike, only one window was open. The line at the ticket window was nearly 30 people long, not bad compared to what others in the city were going through, but why was only one window open during the rush hour home? Of course the half-hour it took me to get my ticket made me miss my bus by 5 minutes. The next bus was an hour later. Nice job, Coach USA. And so in the spirit of Hee Haw . . . .. "Coach USA . . . . . Salute!"

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and the salesperson said to me, "Happy Holidays." I was deeply offended. Holiday comes from the term, "Holy Day." I don't think Wal-Mart should be spreading their religious views upon me. I was there to do my Christmas shopping. Why do people try to impose religion on Christmas?

My 10-year-old twin girls still believe in Santa Claus, though Danielle is a bit more skeptical than Dominique. One of the neighbor girls came over the other day and declared "There is no such thing as Santa Claus." Dominique quickly came to the defense of Kringle, stating, "That's not true. I saw him at the mall yesterday!" Before it went any further, I asked "Who wants cookies?" The Santa subject was quickly dropped and we made cookies.
Denise doesn't read this so it's safe to reveal what I'm getting her for Christmas this year. I never know what to get but I saw something I think she'll love. It's the Ultimate Ladder. You can store it in a closet, yet it unfolds to be an 8-foot ladder. It's incredible . . . no . . . not incredible, it's the Ultimate!

I have a new website/blog I've been visiting. The guy writes mostly about Boston sports but will go off on tangents whenever. I find him entertaining. Perhaps you will, too.
www.barstoolsports.com

During the day, it was rumored that the transit strike may soon be over. As soon as the strike is over, I hope all those reporters asking pedestrians about the strike go on strike.
For three days it's been, "How do you feel about the strike?"
And all day today it's been, "How do you feel that the strike may soon be resolved?"

Goodnight, everybody. It's our Christmas show tonight.