Dave had a bit of an accident last week during the break. Jack Black sort of alluded to it Monday night but I wasn't sure what he was getting at. Dave shows the aftermath. Between his forefinger and thumb of his left hand is a big gash that's been stitched up. Dave shows us the 4-stitched laceration. How did it happen? It all started the way most accidents happen to Dave . . . . it's when Dave said, "Oh, I can fix that." Dave was in the middle of some kitchen slicing when the newly sharpened cutlery did too good a job on its target and cut through to the handler. Right about at this moment I said, "Hey, we can take out the stitches during Thursday's ACT 1!" That remains to be seen. Dave, the trouper, went on with the show last night and again tonight even though he had stitches in one of his two hands. Is there another talk show host who would . . . who could . . . do the same? NO, they wouldn't! Well, come to think of it, they all would probably still do their show with stitches but let them say so on THEIR website. I'm not going to say it for them.

It's Tuesday night and time to say hello to Rupert. We find Rupert wearing a festive holiday . . . I mean . . Christmas sweater. Dave asks Rupert if he ever cut himself while slicing and dicing in the Hello Deli kitchen. Rupert sheepishly says he has. Most would follow their admitting to cutting themselves with a brief recap of just how the accident went down. But Rupert wasn't offering. He let his "yeah" just sit there. Dave says with great anticipation of the non-story, "Bet there's a story there!" Rupert doesn't offer anything. Tonight we're playing "What's Under the Holiday Sweater?" Under Rupert's Holiday sweater is a bulge. It's up to the contestant to feel the bulge and determine what the item is. While Rupert looks for a contestant he would like to be touched by, Dave continues with the show.

One more time, Dave shows his stitches to those still watching the LATE SHOW. A close-up of the stitches results in a scream from our sound effects booth. Nice pickup.

A Frontier Airlnes flight was disrupted on Sunday when two Playboy models got drunk and started fighting. The airline has addressed the situation with this announcement.

Announcer:“During a routine flight on Sunday, a Frontier Airlines crew intervened when two Playboy playmates got into a drunken catfight in the aisles. Naturally, we at Frontier are appalled by this behavior and we’d like to assure the public that we’ll never again let our employees get in the way of superhot girl-on-girl action.
Frontier Airlines: Come fly with us.”

Brokeback Mountain is being billed as the first gay western to make it to the big screen. Dave isn't so sure about that. He remembers something from a long time ago that reminded him of a gay western but isn't sure if he remembers correctly. After taking a look at the clip from his extensive video library, I think Dave is right. We see a scene from Bonanza. There's Hoss and Little Joe riding their horses. They come upon an older cowboy and ask him a question. We cut to the cowboy and we see a long blue rectangular bar blocking out the implied piece of nudity. And then it is done. Paul found this very amusing and laughed a good hearty laugh. And he continued to laugh. And he continued. And more Paul laughter. When Paul was finally able to catch his breath, he exclaims, "So cheap!"

Yes, and we're proud of it.

WHAT'S UNDER THE HOLIDAY SWEATER?: Back to Rupert's and we find Traci from South Carolina. Uh oh, I think, don't ask about her college mascot. Dave explains how the game is played and we put up the 30-second clock. But first, Alan tells us what we are playing for: Alan: (whispers) "Dave, it's a Subway Toasted Chicken Parmesan Sub.

And what are we playing for?

Alan: "Dave, it's a brand new Waterpik shower head!"

We start the clock and Track begins to squeeze. Under Rupert's colorful holiday sweater at chest level is the Subway sub. Traci reacts the way most women would: "Ewwww." She continues to squeeze the object under Rupert's sweater and mutters, "some type of meat?" Dave asks her to repeat her guess. Dave then checks in with the judges and . . . . . YES! Close enough! What was under Rupert's holiday sweater was some type of meat . . . a Subway Toasted Chicken Parmesan Sub to be exact. Good for you, Traci! Enjoy the deli meat and the Waterpik Shower Head, all yours from the Late Show.

TOP TEN: Signs You’re a Gay Cowboy – sponsored by spit-roasted meats.
#9. Instead of “Home on the Range,’ you sing “It’s Raining Men”
#6. After watching reruns of “Gunsmoke,” you have to take a cold shower
#1. You love riding, but you don’t have a horse.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER: She's in the film, The Family Stone, which opens Friday. And just this morning, she was nominated for a Golden Globe Award. Sarah is no stranger to the Golden Globes, being nominated many times by the Foreign Press for her work on Sex and the City.

It's been 10 months since Sarah has been here and Dave notices her hair is a new color. She explains that it's not a new color, but her original color . . . the color God had made it. (I too am slowly going back to the hair I was born with . . . bald! Buh-dum-bum)

When was the last time her hair was this color? Sarah thinks and says that is was probably from the time she was doing Square Pegs. I applauded at the mention of "Square Pegs." No one else did. Square Pegs is one of my favorite shows no one else liked. Also on that list is Sledgehammer and Slap Maxwell. One of the kids on Square Pegs reminded me of local news sports announcer Jerry Girard. Jerry was a one funny dude without knocking you over the head with "Look at me, I'm funny!" You actually had to listen to what he said to realize he was funny. Jerry Girard is now retired, unfortunately. A forced retirement I believe. Hey, ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and UPN . . . get Jerry Girard on to do your sports and you'll get me as a viewer. Think about it.

Anyway, back to Jessica. Her 3-year-old boy loves dressing in pajamas. He likes the comfort. And that's all he wears. Pajamas. Everywhere. The other day some 6-year-old thugs started making fun of him. And poor James realized it. Sarah wanted to do some thugging herself on these 1st graders but resisted. She's a great believer in "Let your freak flag fly" but decided to have husband Matthew sit down with James and have a talk about the pajamas thing. There's nothing wrong with wearing pajamas but mom and dad don't want James to feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. And then one day mommy came home wearing blue jeans and then James chimed, "I want to wear blue jeans. Now James is a big fan of the blue jeans. I wouldn't be surprised if real soon he'll be teasing some kid wearing pull-ups. Hey, dungarees can do that to a kid. Sarah's new project is her line of perfumes, body lotions, and shave butter. (I don't know.) It was a top-secret project but the last time Matthew Broderick (her husband) was on the show, he accidentally mentioned it. She was watching at home and was screamed at the TV. It was still in the secret stage. Unfortunately, mentioning a secret on the LATE SHOW still keeps it a secret. The Family Stone - it opens Friday and stars Luke Wilson and Diane Keaton.

Before the show, Alan Kalter told Dave he had something planned for tonight if we had some time. Dave pretended to have time so he through it over to Alan. Much to our surprise, Alan was a bit angry.

(Ed.note: to decipher ‘djoy’, ‘sdd’ and ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter on your keyboard)
ALAN: “You miserable, vindictive bastard.”
DAVE: “Excuse me?”
ALAN: “Don’t play dumb with me, old man. You knew we were supposed to do another edition of ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview’ tonight. Here, let me introduce you to my ‘exclusive’ guest; Have you met Sarah Jessica Parker?”
(camera widens to reveal Sarah Jessica Parker is sitting next to Alan)
DAVE: “I’m sorry, Alan.”
ALAN: (mocking) “’Oh, I’m sorry, Alan.’ Look at her. I’m surprised she’s till conscious after sitting there listening to your boring bull-‘djoy’ for ten minutes. It’s bad enough that you come in here every day and make your staff miserable, but only a Grade-A ‘sdd’-hole would drag his guests into it. Am I right, Sarah?”
SARAH: “I’m uncomfortable.”
ALAN: “Of course you are! We all are working with that miserable, lying ‘gvil.’
(Alan, so angry, storms off in disgust. Dave is confused. And he wonders why Paul didn’t jump in with some of his ‘Angry Alan exiting’ music)
DAVE: (to Paul) “Paul, shouldn’t there have been some music there?”
PAUL: “There wasn’t supposed to be music, you dumb son-of-a-bitch. Why don’t you get your lazy ass down to rehearsal. I mean, what the ‘givl’ do you do all day . . . count your residuals from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’? I’m sick of this bull-‘djoy.’
(Paul, so angry, storms off in disgust. A confused and embarrassed Sarah Jessica Parker looks on)
DAVE: “We’ll be right back.

ACT 5: It's Tuesday night . . . you know what that means . . . . that's right . . . KITTIES!

Go out and get yourself an adorable kitty today! You'll be glad you did!"

JOHN WITHERSPOON: Dave’s old friend is sporting a beard. And he looks a bit like Saddam Hussein. We check the resemblance with a split-screen of John and Saddam. Witherspoon was the one on the left. John is very excited to be sitting in the very seat Ms. Oprah Winfrey was sitting in. He’s always had a crush on Oprah . . . and on Condoleezza Rice. John offers, “I got some gravy for that rice!”
Oprah? She’s a multi-billionairesse.
John? “I’m a multi-thousandairesse.”
Just a thousandaire? That should change once John gets his greeting card business off the ground. He has offers a sampling of his new venture. You can buy some of the more popular cards on John Witherspoon’s website,
www.bangbangbangbang.com.

The John Witherspoon T-Shirts are also a popular item. You can hear John on the new popular Cartoon Network program, The Boondocks. It’s on during Adult Swim at 11:00 PM. John plays ol’ Granddad Riley. I haven’t seen it yet but I do find myself grinning while reading the comic strip by the same name.

And that was our show for Tuesday December 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

The angry Alan piece with Sarah Jessica Parker was very enjoyable. How much did Sarah know about what was to take place? Very little. She was told she would have one line . . . “I’m uncomfortable” . . . . and was told what her cue line would be. It was also on cue cards for her so she would know where and when to deliver the line. She was told very little about the rest of the piece. Her basic instructions were for her to sit there, enjoy it, and just deliver her line. Don’t worry about anything else. And remain sitting there until Dave throws to commercial. She would probably be used as a bumper. I had suggested that perhaps Sarah could say, after Paul leaves and Dave apologizes to her for what took place, something like:

SARAH: “Screw you, jackass” and then have her storm off.

My suggestion was met with the usual forced smile and silence. Looking back, I’m glad she wasn’t given my line since we would then have to explain too much of the piece to her beforehand. Seeing her seeing it for the first time was enjoyable.

I left work right after work Tuesday night to catch the 1933 King Kong on the TCM. I got my girls to watch. They watched 5 years ago while we vacationed at Disneyworld. This is what I wrote about that then in the March 13, 2001 Wahoo Gazette:

"That night back at the hotel, Dominique, Danielle, and I watched 'King Kong' on the TV. It was the original. Near the end King Kong had Fay Wray in his grasp and was hanging from atop the Empire State Building. Planes were flying all about the great ape, shooting at the misunderstood gorilla. All throughout, Fay Wray was screaming in sheer and utter terror. Danielle was able to size up the whole situation, saying, 'She's afraid of heights.'"

And then this morning on my way to work, I passed by their bus stop. Danielle, in the middle of the crowd of neighborhood kids, holds up her hand for me to stop. She yells, “Daddy! Can you take me to see the new King Kong movie?” I tell her I heard that the one we saw last night, the one from 1933, is better than the new one. Danielle eyes widen and then she runs up to the car. She whispers, “I know the old one is better, but can you just make believe you’ll take me and Dominique to the new one.” I tell her “OK,” and then she runs back to her friends. “Can you, Daddy? Can you take us?” she yells out again. I answer, “Certainly! You, me, Dominique, and the new King Kong! It’s a date!” “Thanks, Daddy” she yells with a big smile as I drive away.

She’s a quick learner, Danielle. This reminded me of the time Bruce Springsteen first did the LATE SHOW. All my friends wanted to know what he was like. I had to tell them I didn’t meet him. They wanted to shoot me. “Springsteen was on the show and you didn’t introduce yourself?” they screamed. I learned. The next time Bruce was on, I told my pals we shared an elevator together. “A real down to earth guy,” I told them. They were so darn gleeful to know someone who met Bruce. My status was elevated. And Danielle is doing the same thing. She doesn’t really care to see the new King Kong. She just wants her friends to think she’s going.

So the Yankees are thinking of going around a second time with Roger Clemens. And so are the Boston Red Sox. Roger, Roger, Roger . . . you retired once but then decided to come back only if you could play for your hometown team. You signed on with the Houston Astros and I had no problem with that. I applauded your decision, in fact, even if it did burn the Yanks. But now if you're thinking of coming back north . . . well, I don't want you. I'll find it really hard to root for you as a Yankee. I think I'd rather you go to Boston so I could get a really good dislike going on for you.

I don't want Roger back here. But this is what I do want, and the New York papers were hinting at it today. Sign Nomar to play first base. It would be fun to have Nomar, Jeter, and A-Rod on the same team. And when that's settled, get Miguel Tejada to play 2nd base.

From the July 13, 2004 Wahoo Gazette, soon after the Miami Heat acquired Shaquille O'Neal:

"Do you hear that knocking knocking knocking sound? That's Pat Riley pounding on the door of the Miami Heat trying to get back in."

And Happy Birthday to the National Guard. On December 13, 1636, in the face of a growing threat from the Pequot Indians, the farmers, doctors, and blacksmiths of the Massachusetts Bay Colony banded together to protect their families and property.

Tuesday marked the 369th Anniversary of the birth of the National Guard.