Oh, what a special night! Our scenic department was hard at work all night long to create this very special holiday treat . . . The Late Show Egg Nog Fountain. Just to Dave's left is something that looks somewhat like the NHL Stanley Cup. Dave flips a switch and a beautiful flow of egg nog cascades down the side of the bowl into a basin below. It is then sucked back up to the top and continues the cascade. Dave points out that the egg nog can go through the bacteria-laden tubing over and over again. There are no limits to what mankind can create.

On the show tonight is Maureen Dowd, Pulitzer Prize-winning New York Times columnist who has recently written a best-selling book entitled, "Are Men Necessary." I haven't read it but I love the cover art. Dave rightfully points out that if a man had written a book "Are Women Necessary" he would be beaten to death.

And of course, Oprah is on tomorrow night. Dave still has nothing to say . . . or he has everything to say but doesn't know WHAT to say. He's thinking of calling her "Opster," you know, sort of a down home, folksy greeting to keep things light and breezy. It's less than 24 hours away now.

Earlier tonight was the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Unfortunately, something goes terrible wrong every year at this event, and this year was no different. Dave shows a tape of just what went wrong. We see the countdown to the lighting . . . 4... 3.... 2... 1... the majestic Christmas tree is lit . . . and then a huge chicken/rooster walks in and pecks at it, causing the tree to tumble to the ground. Oh, the humanity! It was terrible. But of course, we joke. That didn't really happen at all. This is a comedy show and we make up stuff like that. This is what really happened. We replay the same scene as above, but instead of a chicken/rooster walking in, a yellow taxi cab drives crazily off the road and smashes into the tree, knocking it over and setting it all ablaze. Oh, the humanity. I feel bad for anyone who had to watch that.

Last night was the Barbara Walters' special "Most Fascinating People of 2005." The usuals were at the top of the list, but one listing surprised Dave. We take a look at the promo ABC was running last night.
Announcer:

"Tuesday on ABC, Barbara Walters presents the ten most fascinating people of 2005. Tune in as Barbara sits down with the people who captured her imagination this year, including Teri Hatcher, Jamie Foxx, Tom Cruise, and the two Dominican houseboys who reminded her how it feels to be a woman. Tuesday at 10/9 Central, only on ABC."

We got to use this tonight. Tomorrow's December. We recently sent Harold Larkin out to spend the day among New Yorkers to find out what they like about Autumn in New York. We look at the clip.
We learn that Harold once killed a turkey with his bare hands.
We see a guy's mustache change colors like the leaves.
We see a guy put on as many sweaters as he can (ten).
We see Harold carve a pumpkin in his own likeness.
We see a woman drop the pumpkin from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater onto a car below, smashing both the pumpkin and the car window.
We see a guy standing in Central Park wearing a dress (but you can see that any day, not just in Autumn.)
We see Harold and a guy picking apples.
We see a woman playing in leaves. We see the same woman playing in garbage. And that's Autumn in New York.
After the piece, Dave invites Harold up on stage to enjoy some egg nog from the lovely Late Show Egg Nog Fountain.

Dave just got word from Oprah's people. He can't call her "the Opster." And we learn that this is such a big event, our cue card guy Tony Mendez has agreed to wear a tie for the occasion. I really don't care if Tony wears a tie or not, just as long as it doesn't affect the traffic.
And we learn that Oprah won't be sitting with Dave during her appearance; she'll only be performing two songs.

Here's something new: ALAN KALTER'S MUST-HAVE HOLIDAY TOYS Alan: "Thanks, Dave. Looking for the perfect toy this holiday season? You're in luck. I've spent the last several months evaluating countless toys and I've put together a list of my favorites. At the very top of my list:
-These handcuffs. Simple. Inexpensive. Fun. Next up,
-This authentic leather whip. The perfect way to spice up . . .
Dave interrupts: "Alan, what are you doing? These are the toys you're recommending? Alan: "That's right, Dave. It's the list of my favorite adult toys currently available at Kalterworld.com - your source for the very best adult videos, novelty items, and toys. Back to you, Dave.
Dave: "That was unpleasant."

TOP TEN: New President Bush Strategies for Victory in Iraq
#10. Make an even larger "Mission Accomplished" sign
#8. Put the go-getter Michael Brown in charge.
#2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious "locked door" gag. (we see the clip. Funny every time.)

CHARLIZE THERON: Wow! She's looking lovely in her bright red dress, like a holiday card. Simply lovely. Since the last time Charlize has been here, she's won an Academy Award! That must have been some night. Charlize says it's every actor's dream and for one night she got to live the life of a princess. "Unfortunately," she continues, "the next day you wake up and see the dog has crapped in the kitchen and everything's back to what it once was."
Charlize's Thanksgiving wasn't the best. She and her boyfriend drove up to Napa in California to visit the family of her mom's new husband. On their road trip back, Charlize came down with the flu, the achy kind, and it got progressively worse and worse. She spent her recovery in a hotel watching a "Bond-a-thon" on Spike TV.

Dave is excited about Oprah being on the show and asks Charlize about the time Oprah spent the day at her house. Any advice for Dave when interviewing Oprah? Charlize says Oprah is very nice, but a bit intimidating. She says Oprah was kind to her dogs and suggests Dave talk about Oprah's dogs. She likes to talk about dogs. Dave leans over and looks towards our executive producer and commands, "Get me some dogs!"
Charlize can sense Dave's anxiety towards Oprah's visit. "Is there something . . . between you two?" she wonders. Dave says they haven't been on the best of terms for the past 16 years. "She hates me," he confesses. Charlize is surprised. "Oh, who could hate you?" she asks. I yell out, "Roll the credits!"

Charlize is in the new film, "Aeon Flux," a futuristic film with Charlize playing the sexy and alluring lead role. Acting isn't as easy as it may seem, as Charlize fell while performing one of her own stunts, landing on her neck. She suffered a herniated disk. A week later she still couldn't move her neck. After 7 weeks of bed rest, she was finally able to get back to complete filming.
And now let's take a moment picturing 7 weeks of bed rest with Charlize Theron. Just thinking about it makes me feel the need for 7 weeks of rest. "Aeon Flux" - it opens Friday.

Mount St. Helens is beginning to bubble; perhaps another eruption is on the way. For those of you too young to remember the last eruption of Mount St. Helens, we've created a simulation of just what it would look like. Our friend Biff Henderson will have steam spewing from his ear. We see Biff by the spiral staircase with steam coming out of his ear. . . . . going directly into the face of our executive producer Barbara Gaines. Breathing becomes difficult for all. Oh, the humanity.

ACT 5: Alan: "Alan Kalter's wardrobe provided by... Alan Kalter. That's right, other on-air personalities get deals with Brooks Brothers, but I'm stuck with what's in my closet!"
(Whiney) "It's too expensive, Alan. You're not important enough, Alan. Research says the fans don't like you, Alan."
(Angry) "Oh, yeah! Show me the research! Until then I ain't giving 100%. We'll be back with more crap."

MAUREEN DOWD: She's a Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times op-ed columnist. Whenever we have somebody who knows a lot about politics, I feel so darn dumb. Now I read the newspapers every day, albeit, only the headlines and maybe the first paragraph, so if I'm in the dark about everything that's happening in DC, then I'm sure most others are too. I just can't hide my ignorance as well as they can. I have a suggestion for newspapers out there. Every Sunday they should have a pull-out section that explains one of the major events of the week. It should provide background information, with insight to the origins of the problem. And the recaps should be written at the 6th grade level. Nothing should be left to the expectation of pre-knowledge. For instance, trouble in the Mid-East? Explain everything --- right from the start, as if the reader fell to earth on Wednesday and wants to catch up. Scooter Libby? Explain him and what's going on at a 6th grade level. It seems most news stories about politics and corruption and government and stuff like that have so much back-story that I always feel as if I'm coming in too late to the show. Give me the back story. Explain it to me simple-like. And then maybe I could understand what someone like Maureen Dowd is talking about.
I liked Maureen's appearance last night. She was funny, even though I didn't get any of the jokes. She talked about Judith Miller, Scooter Libby, Fitzgerald, Bush, and her book.
Her book, "Are Men Necessary" is in bookstores now.
Are men necessary? According to Maureen, now that women don't need them to reproduce or refinance, no, they are not. They are maybe needed only to provide certain entertainment and to lift heavy objects.

And that was our show for Wednesday, November 30, 2005. Oh, the humanity. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey! I forgot to mention that November 25th, was the 9th Anniversary of the very first Wahoo Gazette. It appeared on November 25, 1996. How did I get this gig? Way back in the mid 1990's I ran the weekly Late Show football pool and on the back of the football sheet I would print out the results and add my opinions of how staffers were doing with their picks. Much was tongue-in-cheek and filled with sarcasm, but staffers did not mind just as long as they were mentioned. At the same time, Walter and Jay were putting together this Late Show website thing (check it out at www.cbs.com/lateshow) and asked if I would like to write a behind-the-scenes look at the show. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, I readily agreed. The Wahoo started as a twice a week edition, maybe a half page each, and has since expanded to 5 days a week with each issue about 5 pages long. (I need an agent. Any available?)

Here is a reprint of my very first Wahoo Gazette:

"Monday, November 25, 1996 - Tonight is the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony in New York City's Rockefeller Center. So if you like pushing, shoving, and pickpockets while listening to 'Silent Night,' that's the place to be.

Mailboy Bob Borden is scheduled to appear LIVE on tonight's show and is in his dressing room at this very moment running his lines. Bob is wearing a navy blue terry-cloth robe, white towel around his neck, open back slippers, and is sipping from a green coffee mug.

Can you believe we have a grown man on our staff who calls himself, 'Corky'?

Some plans by Late Show staff members for the Thanksgiving holiday . . .
1. Nancy Agostini - work
2. Zoran Zgonc - work
3. Chris Schukei - work.
. . . more tomorrow."

How well do you know Oprah?

1. How many Emmy Awards has "The Oprah Winfrey Show won?
a) 24
b) 34
c) 44

2. Which gift did Madonna give to Oprah in 1998?
a) Red Chanel purse
b) Blue Prada shoes
c) Pink Victoria Secret nightgown

3. Which recipe did Martha Stewart cook for Oprah on the show in June 2001?
a) Chicken Fried Steak and Potatoes
b) Spinach Ravioli and garlic bread
c) Pasta with Marinated Tomatoes

4. What was the first book to be featured as an "Oprah' Book Club" selection in September 1996?
a) "The Book of Ruth" by Jane Hamiltoin
b) "Paradise" by Maya Angelou
c) "The Deep End of the Ocean" by Jacquelyn Mitchard

5. Oprah danced alongside what prominent rock star on the show during her final tour?
a) Cher
b) Madonna
c) Tina Turner

6. What was the title of the first show?
a) "How to Marry the Man/Woman of Your Choice"
b) "Three Things Every Woman Should Know"
c) "The Sexiest Man Alive"

7. Which First Lady has never made an appearance on the show?
a) Nancy Reagan
b) Hillary Clinton
c) Laura Bush

8. Which singer donated a portion of the profits from his album to The Angel Network?
a) Garth Brooks
b) Will Smith
c) Elton John

9. Which two dynamic divas have shared their secret recipes and cooked for Oprah on the show?
a) Whitney Houston and Faith Evans
b) Aretha Franklin and Patti LaBelle
c) Celine Dion and Mariah Carey

10. Which famous musicians sang to Oprah on her 43rd birthday?
a) BeBe and CeCe Winans
b) Elton John and Mary J. Blige
c) Faith Hill and Tim McGraw

Answers below.

Answers to question above:
1. b - 34
2. b - Blue Prada shoes
3. c - Pasta with Marinated Tomatoes
4. c - "The Deep End of the Ocean" by Jacquelyn Mitchard
5. c - Tina Turner
6. a - "How to Marry the Man/Woman of Your Choice"
7. a - Nancy Reagan
8. a - Garth Brooks
9. b - Aretha Franklin and Patti LaBelle
10. a - BeBe and CeCe Winans