Tonight in the lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater we have a gentleman named Shane Hamman from Mustang, Oklahoma. Who is Shane? Only the strongest weightlifter in the history of the United States. And what will he be doing for us tonight in the lobby? Lifting things, of course. Says Dave, "If I was from Mustang, Oklahoma, everyone could just kiss my ass."
Dave reads some stats from his blue card on our friend, Mr. Hamman.
-he weighs 320 pounds
-he has a 22-inch neck
-22-inch biceps
-a 62-inch waist
-and is a two-time Olympian (2000 and 2004)

WAIT!!!! A 62-INCH WAIST??? NOOOO! It's not a 62-inch waist! It's a 62-inch chest! CHEST! Did I screw up? I had his waist size but only wanted to keep the measurements to three. I left out his waist size . . . or did I? I raced through my script to find a copy of the blue card I typed up. I found it and quickly scanned. Ahhhh, there it was, right there on the blue card: "62-inch chest." Phew. Dave simply read it wrong. What a relief. 62-inch chest, not waist. I had it right. By the way, Shane's waist? 47 inches. Calves: 22 inches. Thighs: 35 inches.

What will strongman Hamman lift for us first? We have a pile of 9 automobile tires stacked up high, totaling 280 pounds. Can Hamman lift the 9 tires? The poundage isn't a problem. It's the bulky nature of the tire tier that makes it difficult. Shane bends and gets a grasp of the bottom tire. He preps, then lifts the entire tower of tires. Nice job, Shane. While Shane rests up, we'll go on to something else.

Critics who have seen advance screenings of Ang Lee's gay western, "Brokeback Mountain," say the movie has Academy Award potential. Take a look at the commercial being run for this gay western.
Announcer:

"Listen to what critics are already saying about Ang Lee's gay Western, 'Brokeback Mountain.'
David Denby calls it a 'landmark achievement.'
Roger Ebert says, 'This movie touched me deeply.'
And Richard Roeper says, 'This movie made me want to touch Ebert.'
'Brokeback Mountain.' Opens wide . . . really wide . . . December 9th."

Back to Shane. Dave apologizes for mistakenly saying he has a 62-inch waist. Of course he meant a 62-inch chest. Shane acknowledges, saying "Yeah, I was gonna come out there and talk to you about that."
Yikes. Not only is Shane a brute with the strength, he also has the athleticism and agility to dunk a basketball and hit a golf ball 350 yards. This guy's the whole package. What's next for Shane to lift? We have a New York City hot dog cart, weighing approximately 330 pounds. Shane adjusts himself to get a grip and then humps the cart up a couple of feet. Then like any professional weightlifter would do, he just drops the obstacle instead of slowly lowering it. Their mentality is, "Hey, you asked me to lift it. You didn't say anything about how you wanted me to drop it." And I don't blame them. Slowly lowering probably would cause as many injuries as lifting, so just drop the thing and watch out for your feet.

Tonight, Dave has a stack of photos of people who won't be on the show. Two things.
1. I missed this whole piece.
2. I have no idea what I was doing that made me miss this piece. I imagine it had to do with the weightlifter but I really really don't remember.
One joke I do remember was a photo of a school kid studying and writing from a text book. The joke was something like, "He was billed as the world's smartest kid, but then we found out he simply copied stuff out of a book."
Oh, I think I remember why I missed the ACT 1 piece . . . I went to the green room to get some cookies.

Back to Shane. What's he got next for us? A huge rotating cakes and pies display. It's about as tall as Shane and easily as wide. And very bulky. It's about twice Shane's body weight. Before attempting, Shane lightens the load of the display by sampling one of the pies. OK, it's time for the lift. Shane tilts the monster to get a judgment of its weight. Shane says, "I can't lift this." Whoa! Can't you try this? He tilts it again. "Nope, can't do it." People scampered here and there wondering why he can't lift the thing. He didn't try it in rehearsal because he said he wanted to save his strength for the show. He did do the tires and the hot dog cart before the show so we could set up the camera angles and lighting and stuff. He never tried the cake and pie display. Dave says he could have done one/third of what Shane, the strongest weightlifter in America, had done tonight. Dave admits he couldn't have lifted the tires and he couldn't have lifted the hot dog cart. But he COULD have said, "No, I can't lift the rotating cake and pie display." At least we got to see Shane play with some talc.

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS ON THE CAROLINA PANTHERS CHEERLEADING APPLICATION.
- Dave explains the premise, reading from the blue card: "This weekend in Tampa, Florida, two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders were arrested after having sex with each other in a restroom stall and getting into a fight with a nightclub patron. They have since been dropped from the squad."
I write these blue top ten info cards for Dave each night. I want the explanation to be as short as possible, but I sometimes like to use a word or two that may bring a chuckle to Dave. Of course my first and most important goal is to keep it informative and short. It doesn't always work and sometimes it results in a disapproving smirk. The secret is to keep it low-key enough to fly under the radar. The twist in the top ten explanation has to be ever so slight; never over the top obvious. Tonight's addition of "nightclub patron" I thought would spark a comment, but I put most of my money on the word "squad." I don't know why I thought "squad" to be a funny word but even when I passed it on for approval before it got to Dave, a Stangel mentioned "Nice use of the word 'squad.'" After Dave read the blue card, he too used the word "squad" in adding to the explanation of the event. Dave wisely points out that being dropped from the squad is the last thing the Carolina Panthers should have done. Stuff like two cheerleaders having lesbian sex in a restroom and giving a nightclub patron a black eye is exactly what the average male wants from his cheerleaders. The two cheerleaders shouldn't have been dropped from the squad; they should have been moved to the front row.
#7. "Have you and another girl ever gone into the red zone?"
#3. "Can you lift a rotating pie and cake display?"
#1. "Would you mind if I tried splitting your uprights?"

KELLY RIPA: From TVs "Live! With Regis and Kelly" and ABC's "Hope and Faith." She's a mom of 3; ages 8, 4, and 2. Does it bother her when she finds herself in the tabloids? Not really, just as long as the accompanying photo is flattering. She says a recent photo of her looked as if she was blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Regis took a sick day Tuesday and didn't come in to work. She got the morning call form Gelman at around 7:30 AM. Dave asks, "Gelman? He's that little producer boy." Kelly smiles. I laughed. Everyone went into emergency mode and a substitute host had to be found: Kelly's husband. I've heard he's done this before. Regis' daughter was married about a month ago at the lavish Pierre Hotel here in New York City. Of course, Kelly and her husband Mark attended. She made Mark turn off his cellphone because he is a big Tampa Bay Buccaneer football fan and his team had just lost to the Jets, and everyone was calling him to tease. The ceremony was absolutely lovely and filled with every celebrity imaginable. (Well, almost) Everything was absolutely perfect. And it had to be emotional for Regis. How could it not? His daughter was about to be married. Regis soon came walking down the aisle with his daughter, probably the most emotional moment for the father of the bride. Just as the bride and dad were passing Kelly, Regis leans over to Mark and says, "Your team lost! Heh heh heh." Kelly couldn't believe that Regis would say this at that moment. Regis. Oh oh. Just then we hear the honking of a car horn outside the theater. What is going on? We take a camera outside to find Regis in his convertible with the top down in the rain. He's honking the horn is it a bit annoyed. He's waiting to take Kelly home and is growing impatient. Instead of Kelly coming out, Regis is invited in. He gets a huge ovation, greets Dave and Kelly center stage, see a commercial cue and throws to commercial. Regis. The guy is always working.

ACT 5: It's Shane Hamman lifting things.

HILARY DUFF: She's just turned 18! And she had a big birthday party. Over 500 people and lots of presents. It sounded just like my 18th birthday party but without the people and the presents. Three times she mentions her boyfriend and Dave needs to know just who this guy is. Dave holds up a photo of Hilary and a tattooed him. Who is he? He's Joel Madden from the band "Good Charlotte." How is it going on tour with her boyfriend? Hilary says it's actually kinda boring. The shows are exciting; the actual touring isn't. And it can be dangerous. One time a fanatic female fan threw and hit her with a penny.
We learn that Hilary was invited to attend Harvard University. Dave is a bit surprised by this, not thinking Harvard was in the inviting business. She said the asked her to be a student and come to their school. They somehow checked out her IQ and figured she fit their desired Harvard populace. Dave says he knows his own IQ. I "Played the Dave" and said "86!" Dave says his IQ is 80. Doh! Not a match.
Hilary then brings out her pet Chihuahua that's wrapped in a blanket. Why is it wrapped in a blanket? Hilary says it's because it's so cold in the theater. Says Dave, "That's to keep the dogs out." Her Chihuahua does a trick for a treat.

And that was our show for Wednesday, November 9, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I woke up this morning and found a pimple on my face. Years ago I would be mortified. Now, I kinda like it. It makes me look young.

So my 10-year-old comes home with her math homework. I like the math and offer to help. We get in a bit of an argument over one of the questions. Find the Sum. Tell Which Property of Addition you Used.
(18 + 3) + 7 = 7 + (3 + 18)
Danielle's answer was 28, using the associative property. I could see why she thought it was the Associative Property since she saw the parenthesis and immediately thought it must be the Associative Property. The class is just learning Math Properties and I thought this question was a rather mean one to throw at a student new to this nonsense. I gently told her it was the Commutative Property. The Associative Property of Addition regroups the 3 addends resulting in the same sum. If the above were the Associative Property, the parentheses would enclose the 18 and the 3 on the left side of the equal sign and enclose the 3 and the 7 on the right side of the equal sign. The Commutative Property changes the order of the addends which results in the same sum. And that's what the above showed. As a compromise, Danielle wrote down that the equation was an example of both the Associative Property and the Commutative Property. I asked her the next day what the teacher said. She said the teacher said it was both. Huh? Was I wrong? She then added that she had a substitute. Hmmm. Am I right? Isn't the above an example of the Commutative Property of Addition?
If I'm having trouble with 4th grade math, what's going to happen when my daughters start bringing home "If P, then Q" tautologies! Now there's something I've used time and again since high school. Tautologies . . . sheesh. I think that's when I said I had it with math.

Mike Hamilton of Newark, Delaware points out that November 10th is the birthday of the United States Marine Corp. Salute! And Thank You! If I were a kid again right out of high school, I would like to think I would join the Marines. I doubt if I would, but I like to think it.