Hey, we used that slightly new open again tonight.

There’s a fellow on the staff who is a very interesting character. He has been a CBS Page for 38 years. Dave calls him out to chat. It’s Johnny, the Oldest CBS Page. Johnny enters.

DAVE: “Good to see you, Johnny. How’ve you been?”
JOHNNY: “Solid gold. On top of the world.” (laughs) “Bingo, Bango, Bongo.”
DAVE: “That’s great.”
JOHNNY: “I’m yankin’ you crank, underpants. I’m hangin’ on by a thread. If it weren’t for over-the-counter pain pills, I’d have no life whatsoever.”
DAVE: “What have you been up to?”
JOHNNY: “Well, I needed some extra cash so I’m selling all my stuff on eBay. Wanna buy a belt?”
DAVE: “No.”
JOHNNY: “Socks?”
DAVE: “No.”
JOHNNY: “Shoes?”
DAVE: “No.”
JOHNNY: “Screw you!” (Johnny lights up a cigarette)
DAVE: “Johnny, you’re not supposed to smoke in here.”
JOHNNY: “Yeah, good one. Go ahead, call the Surgeon General. I hope you get bird flu. We got a name for guys like you . . . . ‘‘djoy’-for-brains.’”
DAVE: “I see.”
JOHNNY: “Hey, you ever had a Steak Fanatic pizza from Domino’s?”
DAVE: “No.”
JOHNNY: “After the show, come by my place. We’ll have a couple of those babies. You bring the Zima, I’ll send out for some whores. Rockin’. Hey, Shaffer, twist my ass out.” (Paul plays “The Twist” and yes, Johnny twists his ass out.)
DAVE: “Johnny Dark, ladies and gentlemen.”

Announcer: “Truth became his music. Music became his weapon. From acclaimed director Jim Sheridan comes a gripping tale of survival. Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson stars in ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’.’ Then this spring, be sure to check out the sequel, ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ or Invest in a Conservative-to-Moderate-Risk, Low-Yield, Short-and-Intermediate Term Tax-Free Bond Fund.’ Starring ‘50 Cent’ in a return performance and Merrill Lynch Financial Adviser Tom Wallack. Coming soon.”

Kerry: “Hey, morons. It’s Kerry! Good work electing the dumbass How do you like paying 3 bucks a gallon? Oh, and how’s the war going? I haven’t noticed. I’ve been too busy counting my billions! Go screw yourselves!”

Announcer: “Tired of giving the same boring greeting cards? Now you don’t have to, thanks to the amazing new greeting plant from Miracle-Gro. Our specially treated seeds sprout into beautiful plants with your message inscribed right on the blossoming leaves. No matter what the occasion, it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone whatever’s on your mind.”
(see plant leaves with the inscription:
“Happy Birthday”
“You’re the Best”
“Dad, I’m Gay”)
“The new greeting plant from Miracle-Gro, available at fine stores everywhere.”

Announcer: “With four years of proven leadership, Mayor Mike Bloomberg has earned your vote. But as a billionaire, he’s also ready to buy your vote if necessary. On Tuesday, you’ll find special ATM voting machines that will dispense one hundred dollars if you vote to re-elect the Mayor. Or vote for Bloomberg three times and get $500! Illegal? Bloomberg is above the law!! Mayor Mike Bloomberg – The Right Choice for New York.

We see a young Apple employee hard at work on his computer.

Dave: “It’s Apple iPod programmer Mike Tate working on the next iPod. How’s it coming, Mike?”
Mike: “Good.”
Dave: “Can you tell us anything about the new iPod?”
Mike: “Nope”
Dave: “Keep up the good work.”

Saddam: “We have less than a month until my trial begins. They’re talking about executing me. What are we going to do?”
Lawyer: “Relax, I’ve got good news.”
Saddam: “They’ll drop the 140 counts of murder?”
Lawyer: “No.”
Saddam: “Well, what’s the good news?”
Lawyer: “I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”
(Both look at camera; freeze)

Announcer: “Hey, judicial fans! C-Span is the place to be for the upcoming . . . Harriet Miers hearings! Things kick off November 7th when Harriet learns the meaning of such legal terms as:
Eminent Domain.
Jurisprudence.
And gavel.
Then tune in November 8th for this shocking bombshell.”
(see photo of Harriet Miers in bed with President George W. Bush)
“And tune in November 9th for the really, really, shocking bombshell!!”
(see photo of Harriet Miers in bed with Ruth Bader Ginsburg)
“The Miers hearings on C-Span. Be there!”

And that was our Week in Review.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item: 24 Caramel Apples. Dave and Paul believe the apples will float. Apples float. The wooden sticks float. Does caramel float? I’m going to say the 24 caramel apples will float. The Will It Float models drop the 24 caramel apples into the Will It Float tank and they . . . . FLOAT!

BILLY CRYSTAL: He’s currently on tour with his super successful 700 Sundays. The last time he was on, Billy mentioned, or I read in his notes, that before the show heard over the loud speaker is famed Yankee P.A. announcer Bob Shepard declaring in his magical voice, “Tonight, playing the part of Billy Crystal will be Denzel Washington.” When the show goes to Boston, is it still Bob Sheppard doing the announce or is it the Fenway Park P.A. announcer? And when the show makes it to San Francisco, is it Bob Sheppard or Bob Sarlatte?

And if you want more than just a show, you can pick up Billy’s new 700 Sundays book. Billy calls it the director’s cut of the play, providing additional material not covered in the show. I’m waiting for the movie adaptation of the book, followed by the Broadway adaptation of the film. When staying at a hotel while traveling from city to city, Billy often registers under another name. Recently he used "Donald Rumsfeld." He was in the lobby and he hears, “Phone call for Donald Rumsfeld! Phone call from Donald Rumsfeld.” He was proud to take the call. And then the person at the desk asks, “When will you be leaving?” Billy responds, “When there is peace in the Middle East.”

Billy has taken up swimming to keep in shape and to keep the blood flowing. Recently while spending time at a hotel, we found a secluded indoor pool to get in some laps. Swimming mightily in his Speedo, he notices a group of 40 to 50 arriving for some kind of brunch. And there was Mr. Crystal in his Speedo. He gets a phone call and all eyes turn to him. Billy now has to get out of the pool, in his Speedo, to get the phone. . . with 50 oglers. I think Billy wanted us to feel bad for him. I was feeling bad for the oglers. Buh-dum-bum.

Billy was recently watching television with his granddaughter. He saw in the Guide that City Slickers was on. He was curious to see his granddaughter’s reaction to her seeing him on the TV. Billy clicks it on and his granddaughter gives a double, triple, then quadruple take. She can only muster a “How?”

And Billy recently attended a benefit golf tournament. He asks Dave if he golfs. Dave says he doesn’t. Billy, a bit bewildered, asks, “Do you ever have any fun?” Dave laughs and says no, but then adds, “only with my poodles.”

While at the golf tournament, Billy was among a foursome who included Yankee manager Joe Torre and Bill Clinton. It was a nice afternoon but President Clinton’s constant offering of advice became a bit distracting. Time and again, Clinton would by “What you gotta do is . . . “ and “What you gotta do here is . . .” For 18 holes this went on. Half way through, at the 9th hole, Billy went to the bathroom. Standing next to him is Joe Torre. Billy starts to give Torre advice, “Joe, when going to the bathroom, what you gotta do is spread our feet 18 inches apart. And what you gotta do is . . .” Clinton soon walked in and Joe and Billy giggled like school kids. Performing 700 Sundays, a show about his growing up in New York, has brought many old friends to the performance. Last week in Boston, he met the first girl he ever kissed. He was 7 years old at the time. He was very nervous to meet her again after all these years. He knew it was silly to feel nervous, but it was his first kiss and he still remembers. He hadn’t seen her in 50 years. After the show, he meets her . . . . and her life partner. Billy was crushed. He could only ask, “Was it me?” 700 Sundays – coming to a theater near you in Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and London. And maybe your city.

PAT FARMER’S ANYTYHING CAN BE MUSICAL – It’s time for “Pat Farmer’s Anything Can Be Musical!”

Pat: “Anything can be musical. Like this socket wrench. Listen.”
Pat bangs the socket wrench on the spiral stair case, creating a continuous cacophonic clang. Suddenly a shot rings out. Pat is shot in the chest and falls dead to the ground. The camera cuts to drummer Anton Fig, who is holding the smoking gun.
Says Anton: “Sorry, Dave. I just couldn’t take any more of that crap.

RYAN ADAMS AND THE CARDINALS: Ryan Adams and the Cardinals have a new CD entitled Jacksonville City Nights. Tonight, Ryan Adams and the Cardinals perform Ryan’s song off the Elizabethtown soundtrack, “Come Pick Me Up.”

Critiquing the song afterwards, Dave says “That song is how I feel every second of my life since the age of 14.” Go get it, Junior Psychiatrists!

And that was our show for Friday, November 4, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I tricked them again. Every Halloween I do the same thing: I put out a big empty bowl on the front stoop with a sign, “Take One.”

Did you notice Ryan Adams’ hair was in his eyes? I seemed to recall a guest on our show soon after Ryan’s last appearance mentioning this same thing. Hard as I tried, I couldn’t think of the guest who mentioned Ryan Adams’s hair. I pictured an actor who could tell a good story; a local guy who is not on our show all that often. I’m thinking the guy is a guy who feels comfortable no matter where he is, but usually has an axe to grind. Time and time again I felt inches away from remembering the guy, then I would lose it. I was thinking: Colin Quinn --- no, not him. Michael Keaton . . . no, not him. Adam Carolla . . . no, not him either. I knew I could look it up but I wanted to remember it on my own. Wanting to go home, I decided to look it up. Do you remember who mentioned Ryan Adams’ hair? Here’s a hint:
From June 15, 2005:
The guest enjoyed Ryan Adams’ appearance on the show from a few weeks earlier and thinks we should run out and buy the new CD. The guest said that nobody could see what Ryan looked like because his hair was hanging in his face. The guest looked straight into the camera and spoke directly to Ryan: “Hey, Ryan. The hair . . . get it out of your face! If you want to get laid, get the hair out of your face!”

So who was the actor? Answer below.

I’m walking to work this morning and I see a guy with a cardboard sign which reads, “Will Work For Food” and I think, “What, he wants someone to do his grocery shopping, too?”

I’m walking along 5th Avenue the other day and pass the New York City Library in the 40s. I look at the front of the building and I see a year marked in Roman Numerals: MDCCCCII. I scratch my head. My limited knowledge of Roman Numerals always told me that you couldn’t use the same letter or number 4 consecutive times. MDCCCCII is 1902, but shouldn’t that be MCMII? Take a look at this photo of the library.
http://excalibur.textamerica.com/?r=1773198

In fact, my question about the Roman Numeral is asked on the above site without an answer.

So what gives? Why does the New York City Library have MDCCCCII and not MCMII? Is it a really expensive typo?

Ahh, November 4th. I always think of the same thing on November 4th. It was back in 1979. I was in college. On my way to class one day about a week AFTER November 4th, a roving newspaper reporter stopped me on the street. She asked what I thought about the hostages being held in Iran. I said, “Hostages?” She said, “Yeah, the hostages in Iran. What should the United States do about this situation?” I thought long and hard. I replied, “There are hostages in Iran?” She clicked off her pen and put it in her pocket. With a sigh she says, “Last week, 54 Americans were taken hostage in Iran. It’s been in all the newspapers. It’s been all over the television. I’m guessing you don’t have an opinion.” I look down at the ground and softly kick a piece of gravel with my toe. I answer, “No. I have nothing to say at this time.”

The hostages were taken on November 4, 1979. A week later I still hadn’t heard about it. Isn’t college grand!

ANSWER: The actor who commented on the hair of Ryan Adams was . . . . . Denis Leary. Did you get it?