MONOLOGUE JOKE: “Scientists have discovered an ancient species of miniature humans. I thought that was the William Morris Agency.” I didn’t quite get the joke or where it was coming from, but it was obviously a joke Dave wanted to tell for his own amusement. I like when people tell jokes for themselves, not caring if the listener appreciates it or not.

It’s America’s fastest growing quiz sensation, Know Your Current Events. Tonight’s categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Clinton Marriage
Know Your Misguided Explorers
Know Your Celebrity Baby Names
Know Your Unqualified Bush Cronies

#1. Lawson Gay. He’s with his wife visiting this grand city. Earlier today he went to the Today show. Dave says on this dreary day, “On our show, the audience gets to come in from the rain.”
Lawson opts for Know Your Clinton Marriage. It was the Clinton’s 30th Wedding Anniversary on Tuesday.
Question:
1. “What did Bill say this week when Hillary pointed out that it was their 30th Anniversary?”
Answer: “Out of habit, he denied it.”
2. “What 30th Anniversary gift did Hillary give to Bill?”
Answer: “A beautiful new sofa for him to sleep on.”

After Vicki comes down with the prizes, she laughs and laughs and laughs for no apparent reason. “Good one, Mr. Carney. You’re hilarious.” She suddenly gains her composure and blurts, "Know Your Cuts of Meat.” Dave reminds her that the game is only for audience members but she is adamant and wants to play Know Your Cuts of Meat.
Dave acquiesces.
Question:
1. “What is this cut of meat?” Vicki looks hard at the meat, studying it with great interest. She takes her time. She squints with concentration. Her answer: “Cupcakes?” No. It was Lamb Leg Whole.
2. “What is this cut of meat?” Again, she works her mind to come up with an answer. Never have I seen a contestant work as hard as Vicki. Dave tries to coax an answer out of her. Dave says, “I need an answer, Vicki. . . . Vicki then runs off like Napoleon Dynamite.

#2. Mindy from Kansas City. Kansas City --- a city with more fountains than Paris. Not many people know that there is a Kansas City, Missouri and a Kansas City, Kansas. Kansas City, Kansas is a small suburb of Kansas City, Missouri. Mindy works as a bartender. As proof, she tells how to make a cosmopolitan. Dave asks, “Can you tell a guy who wants the straight hooch?” She says she can. She is here in New York on vacation with her boyfriend Rocco or Rocky. Mindy picks Know Your Celebrity Baby Names.
Question:
1. “What is ironic about Nicolas Cage naming his child after Superman’s birth name: Kal-El?”
Answer: “His super powers won’t be much help when he gets his ass kicked every day at school”
2. “Who provided the inspiration for actor Jason Lee to name his son, Pilot Inspektor?” Answer: “Jim Beam.”

#3. Kimberly from Houston, Texas. Her husband is in New York to attend law school at NYU. Her category: Know Your Misguided Explorers. This is a difficult category.
Question:
1. “Every year on the second Monday in October, grateful Americans honor Christopher Columbus for doing what?”
Answer: “Getting his ass lost on the way to the East Indies.”
2. “Why did it take Ferdinand Magellan so long to circumnavigate the globe?”
Answer: “Like most men, he wouldn’t ask for directions . . . am I right, people?”

And that was Know Your Current Events. It’s obvious why it is America’s Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation.

Back from commercial, Dave shows a map of Larry Brown’s travels as a basketball coach. It is a map of the U.S. with arrows going from city to city across the country.

1. 1972-1974: Carolina Cougars
2. 1974-1979: Denver Rockets & Nuggets
3. 1979-1981: UCLA Bruins
4. 1981-1983: New Jersey Nets
5. 1983-1988: University of Kansas Jayhawks
6. 1988-1992: San Antonio Spurs
7. 1992-1993: Los Angeles Clippers
8. 1993-1997: Indiana Pacers
9. 1997-2003: Philadelphia 76ers
10. 2003-2005: Detroit Pistons
11. 2005-????: New York Knicks

Because of the Jewish holiday, many of our regulars are not here today. In for Paul on keyboards is the Booker T. Jones of Booker T. and the MG’s. Conduction the CBS orchestra will be Anton Fig. And in for announcer Alan Kalter is Sarah Krieger.

The Lifetime Network aired the new Martha Stewart movie, Martha: Behind Bars, and we have a clip from the tele-pic. Dave found it enlightening.

We see a clip of a women’s prison beatdown. Of course, it was poorly shot, poorly lit, and poorly dialogued. But hey, it was prison.

And since we had so many replacements in today, in our Green Room we had Tom Hanks just in case we needed him. But that won’t be necessary. Dave says Tom can go on home. We see a shot of a very disappointed Tom Hanks. He wanted to play, but the sides were already chosen. Thanks, but no thanks, Tom. Tom is not happy, not at all.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU HAVE TOO MANY KIDS – A woman in Arkansas on Tuesday gave birth to her 16th child in 18 years. Their home has 9 bathrooms. Hmmm. Dave wonders, “Is that a cause or an effect?”
#4. When your kid says, “I love you,” you say, “and you are . . .?”

ADAM CAROLLA: Adam says he has a bit of the bird flu. He thinks he picked it up at his nephew’s birthday party last week. Adam questions the common practice of blowing out candles on a birthday cake. At the party, the mom put on those hilarious relighting candles on the birthday cake. Oh, it was so much fun watching the child with the runny nose and hacking cough blowing and blowing and spitting on the candles over and over again. The birthday cake turned into a Petri dish of multiplying bacteria. Who wants a birthday cake after it’s been attacked by snot rockets from a 5-year-old? You wouldn’t eat lasagna after a kids snot-rocketed it. It’s just not right.

Adam has his own show on the Comedy Central called, Too Late with Adam Carolla. Dave asked Adam about what he does on the show. Adam says, “I’m not getting the numbers Jon Stewart is getting. That’s what I do.” The Daily Show gets the ultra-liberal, college-educated go-getter. Adam’s show appeals to the lazy and the buzzed. There are rumors that Adam may take over for Howard Stern on some stations when Stern goes to Sirius Satellite Radio. Adam has no announcements to make at this time. Dave says it would be tough to follow Howard as it would be unavoidable to be compared to the great Stern. Adam says he never really thought about it like that, but now he’s afraid he won’t be able to not.

Adam Carolla also has a new home show on the TLC channel called, The Adam Carolla Project. Does Adam have any talent in building or refurbishing a home? He says he does. I guess that was good enough for the TLC. It’s not all serious home-refurbishing, though. There’s a lot of humor thrown in. Adam gives examples of how some hijinks include his asking a construction guy to do some sheer framing and instructs him to use a half-inch 1 CDX plug and when he returns an hour later, he finds the guy nailing with an oriental standboard. Crazy things like that happen all the time on the show. I found his description oddly funny.

During the commercial break, it’s Booker T. performing “Green Onions.” To see more Booker T., he’ll be performing Friday (today) at B.B. King’s Blues Club in Times Square with Booker T. and the MG’s. On drums: Anton Fig.

LARRY BROWN: He’s the new coach of the New York Knickerbockers. I was a bit disappointed that Dave’s first, or last, question wasn’t “So, what’s a Knickerbocker?” I had to look it up. A “Knickerbocker” is a descendent of the early Dutch settlers in New York. A “Knickerbocker” is another name for a New Yorker.
Two years ago Larry Brown was the coach of the NBA World Champion Detroit Pistons. Today, he’s the coach of the Knicks. OUCH!
Every year, the Knicks and Duke University have the same goal: 30 wins.
The only guy on the Knicks with any heart is the new guy with a bad heart.
Dave asks Larry about the Pacer/Piston incident last year; the big basketbrawl as the scribes like to call it. Larry doesn’t blame anybody, adding that “I got to play against these guys.” Dave gives the right answer, blaming the fans and the League for stuffing them with as much beer as they could. Larry says the brawl was probably the ugliest thing he’s on a basketball court. Well, wait until he gets a load of the Knicks!
Good luck, Larry! If anyone can bring winning basketball back to New York, it’s you.

ACT 5: “Do you have an unqualified friend you’d like to see placed on the Supreme Court? Send a 3X5 card to:
Make My Friend A Supreme Court Justice
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
If we pick your friend, you’ll receive this sporty ‘I Helped Bush Weaken the Democratic Process’ T-Shirt. Please, no one with prior judicial experience. Good luck, hacks!”

RICKY MARTIN: From his new CD, Life, the hot Latino heart-throb performed “I Don’t Care.” Joining Ricky, singing sensation Amarie.

And that was our show for Thursday October 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Dang it! It rained this morning. Yom Kippur is the day I create my baseline for the time it takes me to drive to work in the morning. On Yom Kippur, the roads are always empty on my commute to work. It gives me the opportunity to figure out why my morning commute time would be if there was no traffic. If I catch the lights right when I get off the West Side Highway, I can get from door to door in about 24 minutes. But the darn rain skewed my time. The rain today created puddling and the cars that were on the road drove too cautious. I guess they had no interest in creating a baseline of their own this morning. I made it to work in 32 minutes today. With the rain we’ve had and the conditions of the roads, on any other day the ride today would have been at least an hour and 32 minutes.

This IS THE 5th time I’ve seen Ricky Martin perform LIVE. I’ve seen him four times on this show, and once back in . . . . oh, maybe 1984 . . . when he was a member of Menudo. Last row at Radio City Music Hall. I went for the goof. I went with Denise, who married me 4 years later, so I guess it worked. I bought two shirts on the way out. I wore one, a sleeveless, on hot summer nights during softball season. The other I gave to Denise, who folded it up and put it away forever. But not quite forever. I found it about a year ago and daughter Dominique, soon-to-be-ten, wore it school the other day.

Oh, when I bought Menudo the shirt, written across the front of the shirt was “Te amo.” Pointing to the message, I asked the sales girl, “What does that mean?” She says, “I love you.” I said, “Thank you, but what does that mean?” She actually laughed. I think she thought I was cute.

I’m almost done with this:
TV Shows that have held up well over the years (cont.):

Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin:

“Mr. Ed, and the same birthdate as Frank Lloyd Wright (June 8) have taken me to my career in architecture. If I could only get my horse to learn english and help with some of the office work I'd be as successful as Wilbur Post. Yeah, I still enjoy Mr. Ed.”

Alan Plessinger of Mountain View, California:

“Held up well:
‘The Dick Van Dyke Show.’
Held up not so well:
‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show.’
Funny that the Van Dyke show came first, yet it was much hipper and funnier.”

“One of the best TV shows that doesn't feel dated is 'The Bob Newhart Show.' Basing it's comedy on people and their personalities instead of situations, its humor is timeless.”

“Assuming you mean TV shows older than ‘Seinfeld’ and ‘Cheers’ here are five shows that have and five shows that have not held up (in addition to your wise selections):
The haves:
'Beverly Hillbillies' (class will tell), 'Mary Tyler Moore' (throwing that hat in the air was a classic move), 'Andy Griffith' (what ever happened to Opie?), 'The Odd Couple' (the theme song alone is worth the price of watching), 'Bewitched' (they made a super hit movie of it, didn't they?).

The have nots:
'Gilligan's Island' (they would have been spotted by a satellite by now), 'The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis' (once the Warren Beatty factor wears off), 'Car 54 Where Are You' (dumb cops are not funny), 'The Flying Nun' (we forget how annoying Sally Field was), 'I Dream of Jeannie' (the dreamer was really JR, and who can forget that).

“Most of the shows you listed in your discussion of TV shows that have or have not held up well over time were comedies (except for 'The Twilight Zone'), but I thought I'd mention one of my favorite (non-comedy) shows of all time, ‘Hill Street Blues.’ It has a few dated references here and there, and a noticeable lack of technology (for example, they use pay phones instead of cell phones, and there isn't a single computer in the precinct house), but the phenomenal writing and acting hold up extremely well.

“I'm surprised no one mentioned ‘The Dick Van Dyke Show.’ One of the all-time greats, with fewer of the 'old show' flaws that you mention (bad acting, lighting, etc) than most.”