Monologue joke: “I saw one of those New York summer scenes: All the priests were in front of St. Patrick’s hooting at chicks.” I enjoyed it, but the audience reaction was tepid at best. Perhaps they hadn’t heard or read the news of the 79-year-old St. Patrick’s priest who was accused of going astray with a married woman. This didn’t bode well since the next 2 or 3 jokes were based on the same news story. Dave did a quick explanation to get the audience up to speed and the rest was fine.

Fab Faux in Rolling Stone – August 11 issue.

Safety First: You know the drill. Tonight, putting away the LATE SHOW Bear is our favorite stagehand, Pat Farmer. In the best and most fierce battle yet, Pat Farmer and the Bear went at it for almost a minute. Just when you thought Pat had the bear put away, the bear came back at him. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end. Thankfully, Pat achieved his mission.

I think the bear put up such a good fight because he now has the taste of Brian Teta’s blood from Monday night.

Paul noticed something different about the LATE SHOW Bear. It was wearing a T-Shirt. Dave says it was a John Deere T-Shirt, a proud sponsor of the LATE SHOW Bear. The LATE SHOW Bear is now accepting sponsorship. For only $1,000, you can have YOUR T-Shirt on the LATE SHOW Bear.

John Deere makes fine product, Dave and Paul both agree.

The FDA is warning consumers to be on the lookout for counterfeit medications. But the counterfeiters are pretty savvy. Dave found something a bit odd at the drugstore. Dave holds up a bottle of “Motrin, with Peanuts.” I want to be the first to say, “FAKE!” But a darn good idea.

George W. Bush signed a new energy bill this week. He admits the legislation isn’t perfect, though, which is why he’s released this announcement.

“Although President Bush’s new energy bill will help alleviate our energy crisis, the problem cannot truly be solved unless all Americans do their part by conserving power in their own homes. And the President is no exception, which is why he’s already taken such measures at installing compact fluorescent light bulbs in the White House, setting his thermostat one a timer, and turning off Dick Cheney’s pacemaker at night. The White House and You: Working Together.”

Please, I have no idea if it was an Oak. It may have been an elm. I doubt it was a maple.

As we go to commercial, we see a still shot of the LATE SHOW Bear wearing the John Deere T-Shirt.

It’s time once again for ALAN KALTER’S “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T!”

Alan: “Thanks, D-tastic. Let’s see what’s going on the news on Alan Kalter’s “On No, You Didn’t!’”
(photo of Martha Stewart over Alan’s shoulder)
“After breaking the rules by driving around her estate and attending a yoga class, Martha Stewart earned herself three more weeks of house arrest. Oh no, you didn’t!”
(photo of President Bush over Alan’s shoulder)
“President Bush has started a 5-week working vacation. Five weeks? Working vacation? Oh no, you didn’t!”
(sexy Daisy Duke photo of Jessica Simpson)
“’The Dukes of Hazzard’ was number one at the box office, marking Jessica Simpson’s film debut as that scantily clad Duke cousin Daisy Duke. Oh, yes, you did.”
(Freeze on Alan’s sly lascivious look)
“Alan Kalter’s ‘Oh No, You Didn’t’ is a production of Kalterworld.com Enterprises. From now until September 1st, Kalterworld.com is offering an employee discount to all buyers. And check out our certified pre-owned videos, games, toys, and novelties. Go to Kalterworld.com today.”

TOP TEN - Things Going Through This Guy’s Mind At This Moment - Last night at the Yankee game, an 18-year-old fan, on a dare, jumped from the upper deck onto a safety net behind home plate 50 feet below. We see a shot of the jerk sitting atop of the net.

Dave reads from the blue card. The guy is charged with Reckless Endangerment, Criminal Mischief, Criminal Trespass, and Disorderly Conduct. Dave wonders, “And what about underage drinking?” Dave figures the guy must have been drunk to do such a stunt.

At the bottom of the blue card I added the guy’s name and hometown. I didn’t put it at the top because I’ve noticed in the past that Dave doesn’t usually like to “glorify” those who do such idiocy for the short-lived fame. Tonight, Dave chimed the guy’s name with sarcasm; “The guy’s name is Scott Harper of Armonk, New York in Westchester County! Nice going, Scott!” If I had the guy’s home address and phone number, Dave probably would have mentioned that as well.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: He’s originally from Knoxville, worked as a dishwasher, then got his Jackass show. Now he’s in the #1 film in the country. The movie offers must be flying in these days! Johnny answers sadly, “No, not so much.” He’s a basic cable guy. “Once you’re labeled basic cable, you’re always basic cable,” says Johnny. Johnny is involved with the MTV Wildboyz program, made up by his former Jackass cronies. He recently traveled to Argentina to break a horse. The horse nearly broke Johnny. He then traveled to Russia to train with an anti-terrorism team of Russian Red Berets. He had to run a course and at the end Johnny had to try to get past these guys. He got a foot right to the chest and knocked nearly back to Argentina. Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

Dave asks, “Is it a dangerous career being a jackass? And does alcohol play a role in this?” Johnny says alcohol does play a role, and is playing a role right now.

What about this guy at Yankee Stadium who jumped from the upper deck onto the netting 50 feet below. Johnny says it was OK, but “only sissies use nets.”

How was working with Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson on The Dukes? Dave asks about Burt Reynolds, “I always heard that when you’re with Burt Reynolds, he likes to hit you.” Did Burt hit Johnny? Nope. This is the second time Dave has asked that question. I think he asked Jamie Foxx the same thing a few weeks back when he was promoting The Longest Yard. Or did he ask Adam Sandler. Now I’m recalling Burt hitting or slapping a reporter or photographer a few months back. If I keep writing to myself like I am now, maybe it will come to me. Or I can Google.

From a May 25th article on E-Online:

“Apparently, Burt Reynolds got a little too slap-happy at the premiere of his latest movie.
At a New York screening of The Longest Yard Tuesday night, Reynolds smacked a CBS-TV assistant producer in the face after the producer dared to ask the actor to tell him about the movie.”

“Although Burt Reynolds claims he was just being playful when he slapped a WCBS-TV producer at the premiere of ‘The Longest Yard’ Tuesday night, the Daily News says Burt has a history of hitting the press.
The actor talked about his reporter-punching technique on a 1982 tape, boasting the there's no finer punching bag than an unruly journalist.”

And what about the rumors of Johnny and Jessica Simpson? Something going on there? All lies, says Johnny. It’s just the tabloids running with nothing. Plus, Johnny’s married! So take your pick . . . nothing happened between Johnny and Jessica . . . or Johnny truly is a jackass.

DREW ROSENHAUS: He’s a super sports agent to over 90 NFL football players. And he’s only 38 years old. As he walks on stage, he tells Dave “It’s nice getting applause. I’m used to getting boos.”

So how did Drew get into the business of being a sports agent?

He attended college at the University of Miami - Home of the Hurricanes. He befriended many of the fine Miami football players who told him, “You should be an agent.” Drew thought it a good idea; went to law school; and had his first client at the age of 22. His first client was Robert Massey, an unheralded defensive back from North Carolina Central. He got ESPN to follow him around as he negotiated a very lucrative contract out of the owner of the New Orleans Saints. We see a clip of the 22-year-old face to face with the owner (or was it the GM Jim Finks?). Anyway, Drew says to the owner how it is his goal, the owner, to sign his client for as little money as possible. The owner, an old codger dude, real old school, shoots back at the young Drew, “Don’t put words into my mouth. I can speak for myself.” Dave says, “Right there, I would have crawled out of the office with my tail between my legs.” (or something like that). Drew simply looked at it as, “It couldn’t get worse than that.” Everything else after that was easy. He ended up getting Massey a good contract and Massey ended up going All-Pro.

What motivates Drew? Drew says these great NFL athletes put a lot of trust in him. The players are in the game for so little time, it can all end in one play. They need to be over-protected financially in case the worst happens. Their window to make money is so small. Players on the average play only 3-4 years. Drew makes a very convincing argument. Dave wonders, “What would happen if a guy like you represented teachers and nurses?” This draws a cheer from the audience. Drew simply says, “I get what my clients are worth.” Dave says, “But doesn’t higher salaries mean higher ticket prices?” Drew says it’s his job to get the player what he deserves. If he is the top receiver in the league, he should be paid the top salary for receivers. If a player isn’t making as much as he deserves, Drew says he will go very aggressive in his pursuit.

How about renegotiations? Is that honorable, that an athlete wants to renegotiate a contract after he’s signed? Drew explains if an athlete does not perform up to the salary he is being paid, the team can cut him and terminate the contract. Is that fair? By the same token, if a player performs above his salary, shouldn’t the player then be allowed to renegotiate to a higher salary, a salary he deserves in respect to what other players are being paid at his position?

You know, I hate guys like Drew Rosenhaus. I have my ideas set in my mind and I don’t like it when I find out my mind is wrong. I know how much I hate athletes who renegotiate. Then a guy like Drew Rosenhaus comes along and shoots holes in my thinking, making sense and making me realize that if a team can terminate a contract, in essence renegotiating it to zero, then a player should be able to renegotiate the contract when he outperforms the agreed upon terms. Dang it, Drew. You’re right. I’m wrong. I hate that. He makes sense.

Back from commercial, we learn that Drew is also a hero. A few months ago while spending time in Central Florida, he heard frantic screams and yells coming from the pool area. He ran down to find a boy of 4 not breathing. He had drowned. He had no pulse. Taking what he had learned as a lifeguard years earlier, Drew administered CPR and breathed life back into the boy. Dang it again. I wanted to not like this guy Drew but I’m finding it hard to do. He’s a hero now, too. Baaaaaaah!

Good guest, Drew Rosenhaus. I learned something and enjoyed his passion for what he does.

ACT 5: Alan voiceover the audience shot: “The staff and crew of the Late Show would like to take the time to congratulate the 2005 summer interns on a job well done this semester. We appreciate all of your hard work.”
We see a quick shot of a group interns and a lightning fast rolling scroll:
Sandra Ha
Anny Kim
Elizabeth Shrader
Caitlin Friel
Alison Stuart
Sally Bunnell
Alexander Buly
Brandon Buillard
Caitlin Speed
Adriane Kiss
Natassia McMillian
Dever Warner

And that was our show for Wednesday, August 10, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Another thing about the priest from St. Patrick’s and the married woman . . . right in the middle of “doing it,” they called Opie and Anthony!

Dave said in jest leading into the Top Ten that the guy who jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium must have been drunk and guilty of underage drinking. But I think he’s on to something big time here. If the guy was underage and he was drinking Yankee Stadium beer, then the Yankee officials have some explaining to do. What is the Yankee liability for this guy’s jumping from the upper deck? If the jerk kid has a good lawyer, I can see a deal being made: You don’t press charges against my client Scott Harper and we won’t pursue your serving alcohol to a minor. I’m going to call my friend who is in the insurance/liability/sports business and ask him about this. I suspect we may not here anymore about this. And if this kid has a front row seat in the upper deck, he probably does have a good lawyer. Heck, he’s from Armonk in Westchester. Daddy must be so proud. Can you picture the phone call from the police station?

“Uh, hello dad? Yeah, I jumped from the upper deck onto the netting behind home plate at Yankee Stadium and got arrested. Yeah, right, I jumped from your company president’s upper deck front row box seat. . . No, I don’t think anyone will find out.”

So, do you wash your feet while taking a shower? Wow, if I ask about Social Security reform I don’t get a blip. Ask about washing your feet in the shower and the whole world e-mail me. Here are the first ten responses.

Paul Kessler of Kansas City, Missouri:

“Wash my feet in the shower? No way, man! Of course, my being comfortable with this fact is a direct result of your research indicating that 50% of people also are non-feet-washers. Thanks for making it okay!”

Bethany C. of Delphi, Indiana:

“I didn't wash my feet in the shower (instead just letting the soap and water drip down to them), until I read Paul Reiser's books ‘Couplehood’ and ‘Babyhood.’ In one (I think the former), he discusses that very same issue. Since then, I not only wash my feet in the shower, but think of Paul as well.”

Connie Blood of Yorba Linda, California:

“Of course I wash my feet..I can't believe people wouldn't wash their feet. That's just gross. I do know a few people who have slipped and cut their head open from washing their feet in the shower. I think they are on the side of ‘no I don't wash my feet, not anymore.’ I would suggest a hand rail and washing your feet!”

Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin:

“Yep, the feet get washed in the shower.”

Bill Fletcher of Spartanburg, South Carolina:

“hey mike. yes, i wash my feet when i shower......see ya, bill”

Dusty Hayward of Akron, Ohio:

“Mr. McIntee, I'm happy to tell that I wash my feet in the shower. Sadly, it's because I also pee in the shower.”

David Dinkins of the Woodlands, Texas:

“no i do not wash my feet, nor do i dry my feet, plus i floss about twice a month or when it is obvious that i need it. i don't dry my hair with a blower, i did until i was about 50 years old, then i said ‘what's the use?’ i go through about three to four bath towels, four wash towels and four to five hand towels a day. i roll on deodorant (old spice) and only use cologne on special occasions, still use polo. now stay out of my bathroom business, ya hear! oh yeah, i went back to aerosol can shaving cream, it's more fun.”

John McKeown of Ithaca, New York:

“Mike - I never wash my feet in the shower. I figure some soap bubbles hit them on the way down.”

Bill Emswiler of Walpole, Massachusetts:

“Yes, I wash my feet, as a diabetic it's important to keep them as clean as possible. Didn’t get a chance to bet Letterman's Humor in Vegas. I did bet the Red Sox to win the pennant. lol.”

Jim Kohler of Chesapeake, Virginia:

“Not only do I wash my feet, I use an exfolliating soap with a loofah (sp?) to make sure they are squeaky clean. I was in the Navy for 20 years, so I know what stinky feet smell like. Residual rinsing from fallout in the shower just isn't enough.”

I hate to admit it, but I don’t wash my feet in the shower. I’m finding it harder and harder to reach my feet. I must be getting taller.

I know nothing about politics, but doesn’t the President understand the perception he’s putting forth by taking a 5-week vacation when there is a war going on? When I was a member of the NYPD, so much was stressed about the importance of perception; wear your hat, shoes shined, look like a professional, act like a professional; basically, make those around you think you know what you’re doing and be a leader in crisis situations. If perception is important to an NYPD police officer making $12 an hour, shouldn’t it be important to the most powerful man in America? Sure, it’s a working vacation, but take the working vacation at the White House. There’s a war going on! Pretend you care. Pretend you’re working on it. Make us comfortable in our perception. Sure, he’s probably working just as hard in Crawford as he would in Washington DC, but consider the perception. Stay at the White House. Make a sacrifice, Mr. President, like the families who have loved ones over there. Be a leader.

The above is solely the opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Wahoo Gazette or the LATE SHOW. Thank you.

Are you aware that yesterday’s Wahoo Gazette was 7 pages long? When I first started this thing, I was lucky to squeeze out 7 paragraphs. And yesterday’s 7 pages had very little cut and paste. It was mostly all mine. This Wahoo thing has gotten away from me and needs to be reined back in. It’s time consuming. I’m neglecting my exercise program because of the time I spend clicking the keyboard. 7 pages! I have to talk to Drew Rosenhaus.