STUMP THE BAND: It's the fastest growing party sensation, Stump the Band. It's something we borrowed from Johnny Carson. Apparently, Paul got the wrong memo because he was set to play Carnac, not Stump the Band. Paul holds an envelope up to his forehead and gives the answer to the question sealed inside.
The answer: "Chewbacca."
The question: "How does President Bush pronounce 'Chewing Tobacco?'"

OK, it's time to play.
STB #1. Sherry Lewis from Mississauga, Canada. It's something she's heard her whole life; "Sherry Lewis? Like the puppet Lamb Chop lady?" That's right, but the puppet lady was Shari. And does Sherry own a Lamb Chop? Yes she does. Paul and Sherry then talk about towns around the Mississauga area. Sherry smiles in recognition at Paul's references. What song does Sherry have for us? "I'm A Devil" - Paul says he knows that one and is very excited to perform it.

"I'm a devil and I haven't played a game in a year
New Jersey Devils
And we gotta get our asses out of here
And just because the hockey strike means
We're losing big bucks
That don't mean that we
Still don't give a puck"

Good song. Wrong song. Sherry sings her tune and is rewarded with a dinner for two, music from the Late Show, and a box of Explod-O-Pop Popcorn..

STB#2: Jenny Coberly of Mesa, Arizona. Mesa is just east of Phoenix. What desert is near Mesa? Dunno. What is the difference between a mesa and a butte? Dunno. Back in the shack we quickly scurry through the Google and a nearby encyclopedia for that information. Jenny is a stay-at-home mom of 2, and has a husband Chris.
Her song: "Meet a Frown." The CBS Orchestra is sure they know this one. - to the tune of "Charlie Brown" by the Coasters

"Meet a frown
Meet a frown
Hey, You clown
Come meet a frown.
If you want to take that smile
And turn it upside down
Clown
Frown
Frown
Clown."

Good song. Wrong song. Jenny performs her song and is rewarded with a dinner for two, a cd from the Late Show, and a box of Explod-o-pop Popcorn.

Dave offers Vicki the opportunity to play Stump the Band. She's all game. Her song: "Sweet Caroline." The band thinks a moment, then comes up with:

"Sweet Caroline
Good times never seemed so good
I'd be inclined
To believe they never would
So good, so good"

Good song . . . and it turned out to be the RIGHT song! How about that!

STB #3: Burt Brode of St. Louis, Missouri: I missed most of this as I was busy looking up Mesa's desert and the difference between a mesa and a butte.
Burt's song: "Hairy Chested Man"
Paul and Felicia seem familiar with the song.

"There's a disco man approaching
Shirt's opened a little low
Big gold chains a swinging
Hope his navel doesn't show
There's a comb in this back pocket
And it's not for his head
His chrome dome don't need combing
He combs his chest instead.
Hairy Chested man
Stuck in the 70s
That Man
Hairy Chested Man"

Good song. Wrong song. Burt performs his song and is rewarded with a dinner for two, a cd of songs from the Late Show, and a box of Explod-O-Pop Popcorn.

And that was Stump the Band.

Dave didn't mention it so I'll mention it here.
The desert in Mesa, Arizona: The Sonora Desert
Butte: a hill that rises abruptly from the surrounding area and has sloping sides and a flat top.
Mesa: a flat-topped elevation with one or more cliff-like sides

I still don't know the difference between a butte and a mesa.

Before introducing a Message from Robert Blake, Dave gives a little background to Blake's life of late. One day he went out and shot his wife. He was arrested, put on trial, and found not guilty. Dave has no problem with the decision and believes, "We should hold celebrities above the law so they could get back to entertaining us."

A MESSAGE FROM ROBERT BLAKE: From Monday's appearance on "Larry King Live: "I want to wake up tomorrow morning / and shoot / somebody."

CBS announced their new fall lineup and they've already begun promoting it.

"This fall, CBS is the place to be for all the best shows on television. We've got new hits! (scene from "Ghost Whisperer"). Returning favorites. (scene from "CSI" and "Two and a Half Men"). And returning disappointments (scene of Dave at monologue mark). CBS - Everybody's watching!"

ELLEN DEGENERES: Her daytime talk show, "Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show" is nominated for 11 Daytime Emmy Awards. Most of the Awards have already been presented, you know, the ones for those who work behind the scenes. Ellen says they are the true backbone to the show. Dave disagrees, saying that no one is interested in what they do. Ellen disagrees, though admits she doesn't know any of their names. You can see Ellen win for Best Host Friday night at 9:00 on CBS. She was nominated last year for Best Host but lost to Wayne Brady. Uhh, and where is Wayne today? Nobody knows. His show was canceled. This really made Ellen sad, losing to a guy who was fired. Odd thing, the show won Best Show but she lost Best Host. How could that be?
In the middle of the segment, Dave says to Ellen, "You have beautiful eyes!" A blushing Ellen says thank you. I wanted to run out there and whisper to Dave, "It ain't going to work!"
So how is it working on a talk show day after day after day? Ellen says she's learned not to try so hard anymore. She used to try to be interested in everything her guests had to say. Now, she pretends interest. It's much easier. It's too hard being interested all the time. Dave asks, "Have you ever gone home after a show and somebody will ask, 'Who was your guests tonight?' and you're totally blank?" It's happened to Dave. It's happened to Ellen. And it's happened to just about everybody who works here. As soon as one show is over, you're thinking about the next one.
Ellen has a new place in the country that has llamas and alpacas on the property. I said to the gang in the shack where I watch the show, "A one 'L' Lama is a religious figure. A two 'L' llama is an animal." I waited, and luckily I didn't have to wait long. Somebody asked, "And what is a 3 'L' lama?" And I said, "One heckuva big fire!" Groans followed, mixed with laughter --- my favorite reaction.
Ellen then tells a very nice story of her first visit to Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. She was in a tough time in her life and was living in a small apartment and started writing a piece about talking to God on the phone. After it was finished, she looked at it and said Johnny Carson would love this piece. She then told herself she would someday do the Johnny Carson show and be the first woman to be called over to sit with Johnny because he liked it so much. And then in 1986, it happened just as she said it would. Succeeding on Carson changed her life forever, like it has for so many before and after her. Watch for Ellen tonight. I'll be rooting for her.

APE OR ARTIST? Behind the cityscape is a piece of artwork. It was either created by an ape . . . or an artist. Man or monkey. The last time we played, Dave thought there was no way the painting could have been done by a monkey. But it was. How will tonight's "Ape or Artist" end? The scrim rises. The painting looks a bit like last week's offer. Before venturing a guess, Dave asks Alan what we are playing for? Alan says, "Dave, tonight we're playing for a monkey!" Well, that just confuses everything. Back to the game, Dave says the piece of art was done by a human. Paul sides with a monkey. Alan?
Alan: "Dave, it was painted by . . . . an ape! Congo the chimpanzee produced about 400 drawings and paintings during a brief 2-year career in the mid-1950s. A favorite of Pablo Picasso, three of Congo's paintings are currently on sale at Bonhams auction house in London, England. They are expected to fetch more than $2,000."

You could hear Dave protesting throughout Alan's oration. First he complained it was done by the same monkey as last week's. Alan corrects Dave, telling him that this week's work of art was done by Congo. Last week's was done by Cheeta. And tonight we were playing for a monkey named "Toots."

And now a peek behind the scenes: We never had anything prepared for Alan if Dave asked what we were playing for. It wasn't written that way. It's happened in the past and whenever that happens, Alan's fallback is a monkey. That is why Alan said "Monkey" when asked what we were playing for.

ACT 5: "Do you have an idea for an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'? CBS wants to hear from you! Send the hilarious anecdote about your quirky family to:
Everybody Loves Raymond Episode Idea
CBS Television City
7800 Bevely Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
90036
Maybe you idea will end up on the show! Keep watching!

HOT HOT HEAT: From their new CD, "Elevator," Hot Hot Heat performed "Middle of Nowhere."
On the back of the "Elevator" CD, the songs are listed in descending order: the 15th track is listed on top; the first track is on the bottom, just like an elevator. And get this, there is no 13th track. Get it?

And that was our show for Thursday, May 19, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

OK OK, I get it! It wasn't Jamie Farr who won the Oscar last year, it was Jamie Foxx. I had Jamie Farr on the brain from the new show we announced last night on the UPN:

"Sundays at 9:00 on the UPN: 'Lame Duck' - A disturbingly inept President (Jamie Farr) tries to salvage his second term by buying a magic duck."

Congratulations to former Late Show writers Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for having their pilot picked up by CBS, "How I Met Your Mother." It is slated for Monday nights between "The King of Queens" and "Two and a Half Men." Not a bad two slices of bread for the sandwich. TV Tome describes the program:
"'How I Met Your Mother,' is an ensemble comedy from the point of view of a man looking back on his single life from 20 years in the future. Executive producers and written by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas ("American Dad," "Method & Red")." Good luck, Carter and Craig. My resume is in the mail.

On Wednesday's show we spoofed the networks' new shows, making up some of our own with a brief description.
Examples:
ABC at 8:00: "School Belle" - Sabrina Wells (Reese Witherspoon) is a sweet second grade teacher with a dark secret --- upon hearing school bells, she turns into a werewolf.

Tuesdays on ABC - 9:00: "Well, Well, Well" - Inspired by the success of ABC's "Lost", this drama observes the survival struggles of 12 quarrelsome strangers who fall down a well.

Thursdays at 9:00 on FOX: "The NP" - Intrigue, romance and document-certification abound as Steven Bochco takes us behind closed doors at the office of Chicago's leading Notary Public.

For Thursday's show we prepared something about the cancellation of "Joan of Arcadia" and what show replaced it. That show is entitled, "Ghost Whisperer." I provided a brief description of the "Ghost Whisperer" on Dave's blue card. I got the information right from the CBS website and darn it all if it doesn't sound just as incredulous as the ones we made up.
From the CBS website:

Fridays at 8:00 on CBS: "Ghost Whisperer" - Jennifer Love Hewitt plays a young newlywed endowed with the unique ability to communicate with spirits. She yearns to lead an ordinary life . . . . . if only the dead would stop talking."

"And wait till New Yorkers realize that neither the Yankees nor the Mets are playing this Memorial Day."

"ITEM: Yanks opened this season on a Sunday night for ESPN; last season in Tokyo at 5 a.m., here - But the Yanks are off this Memorial Day. So are the Mets."

My PREAKNESS picks: I'm a terrible gambler. I become emotionally attached to my picks. Good gamblers have no emotion. I picked Noble Causeway in the Derby and he came in 14th. I still like Noble Causeway. Damn if I know why. He goes off at 10-1. The horse that immediately caught my eye is Scrappy T, simply because many people in college called me "T". Someday I'll tell that story. Scrappy T is going off at 20-1. I'll put $10 on Noble Causeway and $10 on Scrappy T to win. And here's the good news. I always bet the 5-3 exacta to honor my father-in-law who was born on May 3. The 5 horse in this Preakness: Scrappy T. The 3 horse: Noble Causeway. I'll put $10 on the 5-3, and just to be safe, another $10 on the 3-5.

IN LINE VS. ON LINE:
From longtime longtime Wahoo reader Bill Rinehart of Toledo, Ohio:

I grew up in a country that stood IN line. I knew that the British referred to it as 'waiting on queue', but here it was 'standing in line'. It seems like it's been 10 or 15 years since I noticed quite a few Americans saying 'standing on line', and it bugs me. What also frosts me is how nowadays all the high-schoolers are 'going to prom'. Whatever happened to 'going to THE prom,' like we did back at the mid-century? And don't get me started about the nurses who say 'Doctor will see you now'. Is the doctor's first name 'Doctor'? How about 'THE doctor will see you now' - or even 'Doctor Smith will see you now'? Sorry, you brought up one of my many pet peeves."

From Mike Henderson of East Windsor, New Jersey:

"I've always lived in the NY area, and 'stand on line' has been the way that all the New Yorkers I know have used the phrase. I always thought that 'on line' was a NY-area only thing. Subconsciously, you must have also thought so, because that's the way you wrote it.

In regards to your 'in line' vs. 'on line' quandary, I have to agree with fellow viewer Frank. I have lived in Hawaii, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Ohio and Missouri, and have spent time in many other states. I have never heard 'on line' used for anything non-computer/internet related (unless I was listening to NPR, but we both know that never happens). In fact, I would bet that you are more likely to hear someone referring to 'queuing up' than being 'on line' if you are physically waiting in a line.

Wally Henneberry:

"I'm from Mass. It was always waiting 'in line' for me. Until I got to college in Washington, D.C. There kids from other areas said 'on line', it drove me nuts. They were mostly Jersey kids, or at least that what I tell myself to help me sleep at night."

"I know you don't proofread, but you've picked up a new habit of throwing the '!' in everywhere. Like, 'I'll wait u!ntil it is at th!e drive in an ! d see it then'. What gives?"

SNAPPLE UNDER-THE-CAP REAL FACT #444
- "The Statue of Liberty wears a size 879 sandal."

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 19, 1984: The Edmonton Oilers defeat the New York Islanders in 5 games to win their first Stanley Cup.