Tuesday night at BB King’s Blues Club on 42nd Street in Times Square, Paul Shaffer is hosting a benefit concert for lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, Mike Smith, who suffered a paralyzing injury at his home two years ago. It’s a British Invasion as The Zombies, Denny Laine, Billy J. Kramer, Peter and Gordon reuniting for the first time in 35 years, and the Fab Faux, a Beatle tribute band featuring our own Will Lee. The first show is sold out; tickets still available for the 2nd show. For more information, check out the BB King website at www.bbkingblues.com

It’s time to put away the LATE SHOW Bear: Doing the honors tonight: Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo, "Jungle" Jack Hanna! Nice job by Jack. I think we all feel a little bit safer knowing the LATE SHOW Bear is now behind an unlocked sliding door.

Special visit tonight by Johnny, the Oldest CBS Page, a man in his 50’s enters in a CBS Page uniform, smoking a cigarette.

DAVE: “Hi, Johnny. How are you doing today?”
JOHNNY: (dead, cold stare) “Sittin’ on top of the world, Dave. Sittin’ on top of the freakin’ world.”
DAVE: “Johnny why don’t you tell us a little about yourself. Where do you live?”
JOHNNY: “Right now I’m staying with my Aunt Francis in Syosset. Just until I get back on my feet.”
DAVE: “Oh, you’re having some financial problems?”
JOHNNY: “Money goes through me like ‘djoy’ through a goose. Like ‘djoy’ through a goose.” (smokes)

(The Wahoo Gazette is a family publication. We refrain from printing expletives. To decipher ‘djoy’, simply look to the left on your keyboard of each letter in ‘djoy.’)

DAVE: “Really, why is that?”
JOHNNY: “Go figure. A few months ago I invested in this internet shoe business and the whole thing when tits up. Yep, 'yoyd' up.”
DAVE: “I’m sorry to hear that. So, Johnny, you’ve been a Page for 38 years, you must have met a lot of big CBS stars along the way. Anything you can share?”
JOHNNY: “Walter Cronkite once accused me of making a long distance call from the newsroom.”
DAVE: “Really? What did you do?”
JOHNNY: “I cold cocked the son-of-a-bitch.”
DAVE: “Wow.”
JOHNNY: “Yeah, I told that geezer, ‘And that’s the way it is.’ Hey, by the way, I know how to fix your show.”
DAVE: “I didn’t know it was broken, but . . .”
JOHNNY: “Here’s what you do; get some whores on.”
DAVE: “Well, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
JOHNNY: “Trust me. You start interviewing whores and that ‘Tonight Show’ will go 'yoyd' up.”
DAVE: “Please stop saying that.”
JOHNNY: (to Paul) “Hit it, Whistlenuts.” (starts singing)
“I got the world on a string
Sitting on a rainbow
Got the string around my finger
What a world
What a life
I’m in love.”
(Exiting)
“See you at the party!”
DAVE: “Johnny, the Oldest CBS Page.”

Enter a lovely young blond in a black silk robe. She crosses the stage and gives Dave a big hug. Dave thinks she’s had some work done, but she looks fantastic.

Burger King unveiled a new product this week. We take a look at the commercial. It’s the new Chicken Fries. And not only that, check out the new deep fried Chicken Defibrillator.

Restoration specialists are working on Mount Rushmore to repair decades worth of damage. The project was supposed to be near completion by now, but workers have faced some unexpected difficulties. We see a clip of the restoration work. A guy rappels down the face of George Washington; down past the eyes and past the nose. When he goes a little bit further, George Washington opens his mouth and gobbles him up. Blood trickles down the corner of George’s mouth.

Last week “USA Today” reported that the State Department is training customs officials to more accurately red facial expressions. We take a look at the training video.

“Please familiarize yourself with the following basic facial expressions. Fear (see person with facial expression of fear), Anger (see example of person in anger), Contempt (person showing contempt), Disgust (person with disgust), Surprise (a surprised person), Creepy (see photo of a smiling Dave Letterman). The U.S. State Department. Stay alert!”

And that was our Week in Review.

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: a one-liter bottle of refined linseed oil. What is linseed oil used for? Alan says it is found in paint, varnish, and stains. Dave says in college he used linseed oil as a cocktail mix.

Paul thinks it will float. Dave thinks it will float. Paul then changes his guess to sink. It’s in a glass container. Dave guesses “float,” taking the air in the container into consideration. The LATE SHOW models drop the one-liter bottle of refined linseed oil into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS. Dave is wrong again.

Dave laments his losing streak and for that reason, the Will It Float post-party will not be very festive. Many of us will be gleefully partying as always, but we will be sure to keep it low-key when Dave approaches.

TOP TEN: Signs You’re At A Bad Summer Camp
#10. In lieu of ghost stories, counselors scare kid with tales of camp’s health code violations.
#7. Spend 16 hours a day making Nikes.
#3. Instead of reveille, bugler awakens camp with the silky smooth jazz of Kenny G.

SEAN HAYES: From NBC’s Will & Grace, in its 8th and final season; and the new Bravo program, Situation: Comedy.

Sean is not much of the traveler but was recently talked into taking a trip to Italy. He spent 11 days there. He says, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but you can see it in one.” He went to see a fashion show by special invitation from Giorgio Armani. Sean admits to not being a simple t-shirt and shorts kind of guy but decided to go just to see what all the fuss was about. It lasted all of 12 minutes. It made no sense. People were clapping for jackets. : And what do you do afterwards,” he wondered, “try them on?” And he noticed the models all walked very odd. Sean does the “model walk.” He says he walked that way while in Italy, thinking that’s how the cool people walk. It looked like he was a graduate of “Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks.” Hey! I made two Monty Python references for the same show!

Sean also received a private tour of the Vatican. How does one get a private tour of the Vatican? “Donations.” His tour guide was named Luigi. At one point, Sean really wanted to see the Sistine Chapel. It was on his list of things to see. It was a must. Sean finally blurted to Luigi, “This has been a great tour, very informational, but can we get to the Sistine Chapel?!” Luigi responds, “This IS the Sistine Chapel.” Sean had been in the Chapel for over an hour and didn’t realize it was the Sistine Chapel. He took a quick picture of the ceiling and was out of there.

His new show, Situation: Comedy airs on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 9:00. It’s a reality show of the life of a sitcom, from script-pitch to broadcast. Thousands of wanna-be sitcom script writers sent in submissions in hopes of their script would be chosen, or green-lighted. The original 10,000 scripts were reduced to 80, down to 5 and then down to 2. At the end the first Situation: Comedy episode, the 2 final scripts are eventually made into a 15-minute pilot presentation. This process will make up the bulk of the series. At the end, home viewers will decide which 15-minute pilot will get green-lighted to a series. I saw the first two episodes on Tuesday and it’s an interesting watch.

ACT 5: Wanna be part of Tony Danza’s live New York audience? Simply write to:
The Tony Danza Show Tickets
Ansonia Station
P.O. Box 234095
New York, New York 10023
Come join the fun and watch Tony sing, dance, meet incredible kids and cook some of his favorite recipes like Tony’s Turkey Tetrazzini! So get your tickets today! Tony can’t wait to see you!”

BONNIE MCFARLANE: She’ll be appearing next week at the Funny Bone in Richmond, Virginia. And watch for her HBO special that will air in October.

Bonnie: “I like hunting, but I’m a vegan. I just leave it there.”
She’s a lax environmentalist. She never drives an SUV, but she litters.
She likes to people-watch in New York City, always wondering, “Lesbian or mid-westerner?”
Two elderly people in love? Must have just met.

And that was our show for Friday July 29, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

On my way to work this morning, I stopped off at a garage sale. Friday morning garage sales have become quite popular in my area. If you want the good stuff, you got to go Friday morning. I ended up buying a rotary phone, and some stuff that I didn’t need. I bought the phone because I want to show my girls what life was like in the olden days. Plus, when the phone rings I’ll know exactly where the receiver is.
Other purchases:
- a post-hole digger
- a super-stapler that can staple up to 100 pages.
- Two boxes of staples.
- A bulb for an exterior flood light.
- A ratchet screwdriver
- A clipboard (never can have enough of those)
- A Yankee jersey
It came to $18.

The Space Shuttle is having trouble with the foam panels falling off. I have two words for NASA: Gorilla Glue.

Many people have been e-mailing me for Rupert’s Hello Deli address as they desire the purchase of some of his merchandise. Rupert is a 21st Century Man so you know he has a website. Check it out at:
www.hello-deli.com. Tell him Mike sent you.

I wondered why in high school I was taught the circumference of a circle was C=2(pi)R and not simply C=(pi)D. Wahoo reader Chris Pazoulas writes:

“I believe the reason we are taught the circumference of a circle is 2(pi)R and not (pi)D has something to do with the differential (Calculus) relationship to (pi)Rsquared (piR^2) which is the area of a circle. Besides it makes the two calculations easier to remember...

area of circle = piR^2
circumference of circle = 2piR”

From Bob House of Scottsdale, Arizona:

“Duct or Duck? There is a brand name out there now – ‘Duck Tape’ - which just adds to the confusion for the ill-informed. I'm surprised a show business veteran like yourself didn't tell the guy to just call it ‘Gaffer's Tape’ and quit worrying.”

According to a Mike Holmes, host of a popular home repair show up here in Canada (Holmes on Homes) the irony of duct tape is that it can be used for 1001 things except actual ductwork repair/installation. It sucks at the ductwork.”

“I believe it's duct tape because it is used by people installing heating and air conditioning systems. Incidentally, I was once talking to an air conditioning guy who was installing a new system at the office where I worked. During the conversation, I actually got to tell him to "make sure you get all your ducts in a row."

“As a shill for all the fine 3M products, I feel I have to reply to your question about duck/duct tape. This is lifted from an Internet site, but explains it best:

Fascinating facts about the invention of Duct Tape by Johnson & Johnson Co. in 1942.
DUCT TAPE
Adhesive tape (specifically masking tape) was invented in the 1920's by Richard Drew of Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing, Co. (3M). Duct tape (the WWII military version) was first created and manufactured in 1942 (approximate date) by the Johnson and Johnson Permacel Division. Its closest predecessor was medical tape.

The original use was to keep moisture out of the ammunition cases. Because it was waterproof, people referred to the tape as "Duck Tape." Also, the tape was made using cotton duck - similar to what was used in their cloth medical tapes. Military personnel quickly discovered that the tape was very versatile and used it to fix their guns, jeeps, aircraft, etc. After the war, the tape was used in the booming housing industry to connect heating and air conditioning duct work together.

Soon, the color was changed from Army green to silver to match the ductwork and people started to refer to duck tape as "Duct Tape." Things changed during the 1970s, when the partners at Manco, Inc. placed rolls of duct tape in shrink wrap, making it easier for retailers to stack the sticky rolls. Different grades and colors of duct tape weren’t far behind. Soon, duct tape became the most versatile tool in the household."