"Martha Stewart's getting her electronic bracelet removed. Thank God. It always left a burn mark on the back of my neck."

KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS - tonight's categories, 6 Big Ways to Win Big
-Know Your Current Events
-Know Your Cuts of Meat
-Know Your Ducks and Geese
-Know Your Slurpees
-Know Your Swimming Pool Chemicals
-Know Your Fat Supreme Court Justices

KYCE #1. Lauren from San Diego, California - Ah, yes, one of the great towns in North America. Lauren is a student at San Diego State, studying speech and stuff. From the sounds of it, I think Lauren will keep going to school until she has to go to work. San Diego . . . she ever hear of Blacks Beach? Lauren slowly says she believes it is a nude beach. Dave chuckles and says it is.
QUESTION #1: Who invented the Slurpee? Answer: Omar Knedlik.
QUESTION #2: At what temperature are Slurpees served? Answer: 28 degrees.

Right about here I got a call in the shack telling me that Bill Murray needs the tape recorder ASAP in his dressing room. I scurry out to find the tape recorder. I heard he may be using it for something but one never knows with Mr. Murray. I find it and run it up to his dressing room. A quick peek at a monitor on my trip and I see Dave talking to a guy in a military uniform. I hear "Captain Dennis Murphy from Nebraska. A Captain in the United States Army. His category: Know Your Cuts of Meat.
QUESTION #1. What is this cut of meat? Answer: Lamb shoulder blade chops
QUESTION #2. What is this cut of meat? Answer: Veal cutlets.

I get back to the shack and see Dave picking a third person. Things were running long by show's end so I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see this.

CONTESTANT #3. Becky from Fort Worth, Texas. She's a music, voice, and piano teacher. Can she sing something? She can, and she does. Nice job, Becky. For her vocal work, Dave steals some of Captain Murphy's meat and gives it to Becky.

And that was Know Your Current Events.

Before we get into the rest of the show, Dave wants to first make sure something is taken care of. It's the daily duty of putting away the Late Show bear. "Safety First" is Dave's motto. And who will be doing it tonight? It's Regis Philbin!

BILL MURRAY: Always looking relaxed, is Bill. How is he handling the weather? Bill gives out big Kudos to weatherman Al Roker. Yesterday he heard Al Roker say, "This heat if going to go away," and then, poof, the heat went away. Remarkable.
Anything else new in Bill's life? Bill gushes, "I'm so much in love!" He says he hasn't told anyone yet, not even his wife and kids. And excited Bill sits up in his chair, then crouches on the chair like a baseball catcher. You can see he really is in the glory of a new love. Dave asks, "Can you tell us the young woman's name?" Bill says with such joy, "Katie Holmes." Dave, being as gentle as he can, says "I'm sorry, but she's engaged to Tom Cruise." Bill is taken aback, then rebounds, "Did I say ‘Katie Holmes'? No, I mean Jennifer Garner." Dave, now doubting what Bill is offering, tells Bill that Jennifer Garner is married to Ben Affleck. Bill answers, "I'm sorry. Did I say ‘Jennifer Garner'? I meant to say P.Lo...or J.Lo...or whatever it is." The man is obviously woozy in love.
Bill is currently busy preparing his memoirs, a book about his life. He's at the stage of recording important moments in his life when they enter his mind. He has one of those small, hand tape-recorders which he leaves short verbal notes as a mental jolt when he eventually sits down to write. Dave is impressed with the venture and wonders, "What about me? Will there be anything about me in your memoir?" Bill thinks, then speaks into his recorder, "Dave wants in," then quickly puts it away. Bill continued to revert back to the recorder time and time again. Each time he reached for it I was afraid he might be over-doing the joke, but every time he was funnier than the last.

Bill is also an accomplished golfer, best known for his role in Caddyshack and as a participant in the Celebrity Pro-Am golf tournament in Pebble Beach. At one time, the Pebble Beach officials found his stunt on the course a detriment to the tournament and he wasn't invited back. The officials quickly realized the big mistake they made and now offer an open invitation to Bill. They realized the mistake when the ratings for the tournament dropped off when Bill wasn't there. Without the ratings, advertisers won't pay as much for air time. That's when the officials realized they made a mistake; when they started to lose money.

Bill had been watching the show earlier when Regis Philbin put away the Late Show Bear. Bill was not happy at how violently Regis attacked the bear. Bill thought it ugly how the urban Grizzly got its ass kicked by Regis. There are ways of putting an urban Grizzly away without such physical force. How would Bill do it? Bill sighs and says, "Dave, could you have your people release the bear?" Bill then goes down to the bear's den to put him away passively. We follow Bill until he confronts the bear. The bear attacks but Bill does not fight back. He talks to the bear. He reasons with the bear. He cajoles and convinces the bear to put himself away. As the bear slowly slinks back behind the door, Bill tells the bear to close the door behind him. The bear either didn't hear Bill or it was his final bit of resistance. Either way, Bill says it louder for the bear to close his own door. The bear comes back and paws at the door but cannot get a grip on the handle. Bill shoves the bear out of the way and slams the door shut. And that's how you put away the Late Show bear . . . . at least that's how they do it in Chicago. Later, Bill explains it's all in the eye contact.

Bill is starring in the film, "Broken Flowers," opening August 5th. The film won the Grand Prix at Cannes in May. Bill plays a guy who receives an anonymous letter telling him he has a son from a past relationship. The son is now 19 years old. Bill sets out to search for all his old girlfriends to find out who sent the letter.

ACT 5: Here's the recipe for Dave's Famous Cheese Grits.
Place milk, water, and salt into a large pot. Once the mixture comes to a boil, add the grits while whisking, decrease the heat to low and cover. Cook for 20 to 25 minutes or until mixture is creamy. Add shredded cheddar cheese and serve.
It's cheese grits in a snap! Look for more of Dave's cooking tips on the Late Show website at www.cbs.com/lateshow. I'm Alan Kalter, keep it real America.

BETTYE LAVETTE: From her soon to be released CD (September 27th), Bettye performed "Little Sparrow." That's the way music is supposed to work. It's supposed to make you feel something. Great sound. Great voice. Bettye is on my list.

And that was our show for Thursday, July 28, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Where were you 5 years ago today? If you're like me, you were weeping on your sofa over the final appearance of Kathie Lee on the "Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee" show. Yes, it was 5 years ago today. There are mornings I wake up and the first thing I think of is, "I wonder how Cody is doing?"

I finally got around to it. Last week I decided to finally put some lattice around the bottom of my back deck. Lattice is that criss-crossing slats thing that comes in 4X8 sheets. The lattice pretties up the deck, covers the ugly underneath, and gives it a finished look. It took me five years but I finally got around to doing it. Now you're probably thinking, "Big deal," lattice around the deck. You would be right, but on the north and south side of the deck, I attached the lattice to the deck with an overhead hinge. Yup. This way I could lift the lattice and store stuff underneath the deck. You can't see the hinge, but I know it's there. It's quite the added feature. And the first thing I stored under the deck? The leftover lattice. Why not just throw out the lattice I did not use? Because I might need those pieces 12 years from now.
I finished putting up the lattice on Sunday afternoon. The rest of the day I made believe I had stuff to do in the backyard. I would walk to the back, look around, then turn and admire my lattice work. I did this a number of times. There I was, hand on hips, proudly standing in my yard admiring my work. I sighed the sigh that only a man who just created something with his hands can sigh. I felt like a real man.
Then I thought of my father. When he was 10 years younger than I am now, he built a two-car garage with nothing but an electric saw and an old claw hammer. Here I am so proud of my lattice work when my father had built a garage working weekends one summer. My lattice doesn't quite measure up.
Actually, my father built the garage twice. The first time he built it, he built it for the family. The second time he built it, 30 years later, was when he was about to sell the house. He had to make it meet code.

These suicide bombers are nuts. They believe they will be greeted by 72 virgins when they arrive in paradise. Paradise? If it were truly "Paradise" wouldn't you rather have 72 sluts waiting for you? I mean, imagine the work it would take to turn 72 virgins! It's supposed to be Paradise! Who wants to work?

Hey! My first upside down tomato has sprouted! Right now it's the size of a marble. I'll keep you posted.

Yesterday I mentioned the race horse Letterman's Humor. I was looking for information on the horse. I received this from LB of Omaha, who found the following:

Letterman's Humor
13 starts: three wins, two seconds, and one third
Career Earnings: $108,655 as of July 17
Sire: Distorted Humor (Note, this is the same horse who sired Funny Cide)
Dam: Richie
Owner: Jerry K. Humphreys
Trainer: Ron Voss
Jockey: Clinton Potts
Skinny: He's come a long way since breaking his maiden at 40-1 in a claiming race at Gulfstream in January. Since arriving at Delaware he has won twice and finished second in his other two starts. He was second to Mighty Mecke (who won the OBS Championship and started in the Florida Derby) in the Nick Shuk Memorial then came back to win the Floor Show June 21. Since breaking his maiden he's finished no worse than fourth in his seven dirt starts.
He really is named after the host of the Late Show on CBS.