Dave is trying out a new catchphrase tonight. What’s he got? “That’s bogus!” It’s replacing “Don’t go there.”

Hey, Paul isn’t wearing any glasses? What’s up with that? He says he was dining with his old friend Jerry Lewis, who suggested he go without the glasses. It’s a barrier between Paul and the audience. Get rid of them and connect. So, Paul is giving it a try. How’s it going so far? “I can’t see a ‘givl’-ing thing.”

Jiminy. In a stunning victory, Michael Jackson was acquitted of every charge. He didn’t waste any time in releasing this heartfelt message.

“Michael Jackson would like to thank all his fans for their support during this difficult time. He’d also like to thank some of the jurors for their sound judgment . . . Janet Jackson, LaToya Jackson, Tito Jackson, Robert Blake, and OJ Simpson. Jacko: I Love L.A.”

Both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have expressed outrage at the press’ constant hounding of them. It’s gotten so bad that they released this heartfelt plea.

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie desperately want the press to respect their privacy. They have made this point abundantly clear while talking to Diane Sawyer . . . talking to Ann Curry . . . talking to GQ Magazine . . . talking to Vanity Fair. . . and privacy is clearly foremost in their minds in this steamy photo from W Magazine . . . and this one . . . and this one . . . and this one . . . and this one . . . . and this one . . . and this one . . . and this one. Brad and Angelina. Why won’t everyone just leave us alone?”

A MESSAGE FROM GEORGE W. BUSH: In an interview with Neil Cavuto on the Fox News Channel: “I don’t spend a lot of time / working.”

HAROLD LARKIN’S “LET’S SEE YOUR BEST CELEBRITY IMPRESSION” - We sent our head carpenter Harold Larkin out to the local Manhattan Mall to uncover celebrity impressions from the shoppers. Dave asks Harold, “Where is the Manhattan Mall?” Harold quickly and tersely answers, “Downtown Manhattan.” Harold knows not to give the man any toe-hold on anything he says. Harold knows he doesn’t get any more money talking to Dave LIVE on the air, so like any Union man would do, he keeps conversation to a minimum. Some impressions:
Christopher Walken - pretty good.
Robert DeNiro - no good.
Anne Heche - Harold: “No, I said ‘Celebrity.’”
A Celebrity sleeping - we see a guy doing Tom Hanks asleep.
Kelly Clarkson singing “Since You’ve Been Gone.”
Kelly Clarkson singing “Since You’ve Been Gone” while suffering appendicitis.
A French guy doing a French celebrity.
A French guy doing a French celebrity while suffering appendicitis.
Arnold Schwarzenegger doing Donald Trump.
Trump doing Schwarzenegger.
A bald guy doing Dr. Phil. He didn’t have to say a word.
Ted Koppell.
James Cagney.
Another guy doing Cagney not nearly as well.
A guy does Harold Larkin.
Harold asks the camera man to hold his microphone while he beats the heck out of the guy.

Our announcer Alan Kalter has something special prepared for us tonight. Alan?

“That’s right, Dave. It’s time once again for my Peabody-winning segment, ‘Are You ‘GIVL’-ing Kidding Me?’ Take a look at this clip.”
We see the clip of the announcement of Michael Jackson being found Not Guilty. Back to Alan.
“Are you ‘GIVL’-ing kidding me?” Back to you, Dave.”

TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD DURING THE MICHAEL JACKSON VERDICT.
#9. “Of course he’s nervous. Look how pale he is.”
#7. “No, I think he’ll do fine in prison.”
#5. “Do you think this’ll be on the news tonight?”
#1. “Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment.”

NICOLE KIDMAN: She stars in Bewitched, which opens June 24th. She does make for a good Samantha Stevens/Elizabeth Montgomery. Whenever we have someone on from Australia, Dave peppers the guest with questions about the large island nation/continent, especially the wildlife. Nicole seems a bit surprised at Dave’s interest, but answers the best she can.

Koala bears – not really cuddly. They can be quite vicious. Roos (kangaroos) – plentiful when you know where to look for them. Has she ever eaten kangaroo? No, she hasn’t. Dave asks, “Do you know why people find it hard to eat kangaroo?” Nicole doesn’t know why. Dave answers, “Because it keeps jumping off your plate.” I laughed at this silly joke. I am a big fan of the silly joke and become often angered when I don’t know the punchline. I should have known this one because I think Dave used it once before. Given a minute, I think I could have come up with the answer, but in the moment, I failed. Nicole says Australia is home to a most dangerous spider, the Funnel Web. It can hide in an air bubble in a pond and bite you when you least expect it. Dave believes that to be unfair of the Funnel Spider, hiding like that in an air bubble. I guess that’s what makes the Funnel Spider so dangerous . . . it doesn’t play by the rules.

Nicole is an old friend of Russell Crowe’s. What does she think of his recent escapade with the law? Dave says he needs help. Nicole, being a true friend, would rather not go there. She would rather not discuss his personal life on TV. It’s a private matter. Her stand draws applause from the audience.

How about Tom Cruise? What’s going on there? Nicole was once married to Tom Cruise and her thoughts on Tom and Katie and Tom’s behavior on Oprah should be interesting. Nicole says, “If Tom is in love, I’m very happy for him.”

Dang it, she’s being too nice and proper.

How about Nicole? What’s going on in her life? She rolls her eyes at all that’s been written about her: She’s pregnant, she’s engaged, she’s having an affair. All not true. She will admit that does have 2 kids and a job. How do her parents react to all that is written about her? Nicole says they have learned not to believe a word of it. Although Grandma believes it all. Grandma is constantly calling Nicole for clarification of something she read in the Star or the Enquirer, or whatever is selling in Australia.

Nicole is starring in Bewitched with Will Ferrell. It opens on June 24th. Can she do the nose twitch? She can, and it works! She changes Paul from normal Paul to Paul in a sombrero with maracas. Wow, imagine the power.

About 11 years ago I was walking along Madison Avenue around 61st Street. I see a woman with the most perfect skin. Smooth, clean, perfect. It was skin like this that inspired the simile, “skin like a porcelain doll.” I admired it as I continued to walk. Not till I was just about past this woman did I notice who the skin belonged to. It was Nicole Kidman. Her skin was so perfect I didn’t notice the face.

ACT 5: “It’s time for ‘Betcha Didn’t Notice.’ Betcha didn’t notice tonight, Dave is wearing the same tie he wore in the March 23rd LATE SHOW. I’ll bet you bastards also didn’t notice I’m stinking drunk. And if you want to fight me, I’ll meet you anywhere, anytime. Bring it on! This has been ‘Betcha Didn’t Notice.’ Go screw yourselves.”

FOO FIGHTERS: From their new double CD, In Your Honor, Foo Fighters performed “The Last Song.” Now that’s the sound of Rock and Roll!

And that was our show for Monday June 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Well, that was something. During the taping, the Michael Jackson verdict came down. We scrambled the rest of the show, and then afterwards, putting together Michael Jackson jokes. After the initial taping, we stuck around and taped the Jackson stuff, then added it to the show and took out some of the non-Jackson material. So if you re-watch the program, all the Michael Jackson verdict stuff was done after the taping in front of a LIVE audience. It was then edited in, with stuff edited out. On paper, we had what we needed. On tape, we weren’t sure how it would look. I went home and planned to watch the show, but fell asleep during “Hell’s Kitchen.”

It’s to the point now that if you see Mike Tyson shadow boxing, bet on the shadow.

And speaking of boxing, I haven’t yet seen Cinderella Man, but from those in the know, the portrayal of boxing champ Max Baer is criminal. He’s painted as an uncaring, murderous lout in the film, when the truth is just the opposite. The twist to his character was created to make for a better story line. New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick added a letter from a reader in today’s Post:

“Reader Dom Nunziato on the outrageously inaccurate portrayal of Max Baer as a murderous creep in the movie ‘Cinderella Man’: ‘I wonder how Ron Howard will feel if they make him out to be a coke-snorting whore monger, for the sake of dramatic purposes, in ‘The Erin Moran Story.’”

From Kurt Shimala of Indianapolis, Indiana:

”After seeing the Late Show on Thursday, I thought readers may want to see how that shirt folding thing was done. I first read about it in Esquire about a year ago, and I have the video of where I think it originated on some Japanese TV show...
http://www.artanisknarf.com/random/maglietta.mpg

THIS LATE SHOW NUMBER IN HISTORY.
Today’s Show Number: #2379. So what happened on February 3, 1979?
“’The New Fred and Barney Show’ debuted on February 3, 1979 and ran original episodes through November of the same year -- continuing the misadventures of Fred and Barney, though in a more juvenile fashion than the original series. Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are again toddlers. The episode was entitled, ‘Sand-Witch.’”
And that’s what happened on THIS LATE SHOW NUMBER IN HISTORY.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
JUNE 13, 1978: NHL Board of Governors unanimously agreed to a merger of the Cleveland Barons and the Minnesota North Stars.