AUDIENCE SHOW AND TELL
A&S#1: Bud Moehler of McLean, Virginia.
Dave will often ask a Virginian if where they live is a suburb of Washington. In this case, it was. Checking the blue card, Dave notices that as a hobby, Bud likes to race Formula One cars. He’s got a Ferrari back at home he likes to race. (And I collect stamps.) What does Bud have for us? He has photos of his time as a boy in Japan where he played the son on a sitcom TV show. Does Bud know any Japanese? He says, “Skoshi.” Dave thinks a minute. “That means ‘raw fish’, is that right?”

A&S#2: Crystal Frommert of the Woodlands, Texas.
Crystal is a junior high school teacher. Uh oh. Tough crowd, junior high schoolers. They have no idea what they want, but are darn sure what they don’t want. What don’t they want? Everything you have to offer. Dave asks, “Kids in Junior High are all a bunch of snarling punks, is that right?” Crystal says that is not so. “Any of your kids ever pistol whipped you?” Crystal says it hasn’t happened yet. What does Crystal teach in Junior High? Math, mostly pre-algebra. Dave is impressed, but knows that after schooling, there will never be a need for algebra in your lifetime . . . . EXCEPT FOR ME! One day not too long ago, I needed to buy a handrail for my basement steps. I went to Lowe’s, a Home Depot-type store. Once there, I realized I forgot to measure the size handrail I needed. Angry at the double-trip I would have to make to measure and then return, it suddenly hit me. Pythagoras. That’s right: “A” squared plus “B” squared equals “C” squared. I knew there were 12 steps from the floor of the basement up to the kitchen. I knew each step was one foot high and one foot in width. That would make “A” squared 144 feet. It would also make “B” squared 144 feet. “C” squared, the side for the handrail, would be 288 feet. The length of the handrail would be the square root of 288, or just under 17 feet. I saved myself a trip home. Come to think of it, the time I saved I just wasted writing about it.

What does Crystal have for us? She can fold a shirt in 3 seconds. Hmmm. This is all Dave knows about folding shirts: if you are a man and know how to fold a shirt, chances are you are gay.

Crystal is given a LATE SHOW shirt. She places it flat on the ground. Pinching the shirt in two places with her fingers, she lifts, turns, and twists the shirt. With one more quick flip, the shirt is folded perfectly. Pretty darn impressive, and the “LATE SHOW” logo was perfectly displayed. I’ll be trying that at home tonight.

Before our third Audience Show and Tell contestant, Smitty/Vicki/Monty has something to ask Dave. She says, “Hi, Mr. Carney. What up, Dog?” She continues, “Do you have a bicycle?” Everyone does, I guess. She asks, “Ever take it off any sweet jumps?” It was an odd exchange, reminding me somewhat of George and Gracie.

A&S#3: Brian Collins of Mylan, Ohio.
Where is that? Near Sandusky. Where is that? Near Cedar Point. Where is that? It’s in Ohio. Dave asks Brian what he does for a living, then notices on the card, “Oh, you’re doing nothing . . . you’re a college student.” And not just a college student, but a Ball State college student . . . studying Telecommunications! Just like Dave. A T-Com major! Lots of babes in college? “Oh, yeah” sighs an enthused Brian. Getting your share? Brian gives a quick “no.”

What does Brian have for us tonight? A while back Brian found himself in the position of being a last second fill-in as the sports reporter for the college TV news station. He felt qualified since he happened to be wearing a suit at the time. Well, Brian quickly found out that things look easier when done by a professional. Losing his way, flubbing his lines, scrambling for the right words, distracted, confused, and a bad case of the nerves would be a good start in describing his sports report. Near the end, he decided to incorporate a signature call he had been working on in his free time. When reporting a homerun or a three-point shot, Brian would exclaim, “Boom Goes The Dynamite!” We take a look at Brian’s experience as the sports reporter on the Ball State News TV Show. Ouch. It was more painful than he described. It has laugh-out-loud hilarious when his co-anchors thanked him for his report and all Brian could do was exhale and say, “Yeah.”

But that’s not all. “Friends” of his put his appearance on the internet and somehow his “Boom Goes The Dynamite” became a catch phrase that got hot. It’s been picked up by sports announcers across the country. The second tape clip we see is various TV reporters using the phrase “Boom Goes The Dynamite” on their news report. Pretty good. “Boom Goes The Dynamite.” It’s Brian’s!

If you’ve been watching the past two nights, you know the story about Rupert’s Slurpee Machine. Therefore, I’ll recap. Tuesday night, Dave suggested that Rupert should get himself a Slurpee machine for the summer months. Come Wednesday, the machine was delivered and set up in the Hello Deli. During the show, Dave became the first to receive a Slurpee from Rupert’s. And now today, we learn business is booming! Rupert is finding it hard to keep up with the demand. Rumor has it he will be installing another machine. We see a clip from earlier in the day of the line going into the Hello Deli. My, they look thirsty. It was obviously a good idea by Dave. But he’s not done. Dave has a new suggestion for Rupert. Dave suggests that Rupert put on a big sale, just for today . . . . 2 Slurpees for $4.00. Rupert looks crestfallen. He feebly responds, “But . . . I could sell one for 3 dollars.” Dave gives a quick lesson in business, explaining the theory of a “loss leader.” You get the people in the store by advertising a big sale, something that will cost the business owner money. BUT, now that you got them in the store, you make a bigger sale on a bigger-priced item. That’s where you make your profit. So when the customer comes in for the 2 Slurpees for $4.00, you sell him a sandwich too. Rupert isn’t quite sure of the premise, even though he pretends he does. Dave asks Rupert to repeat the sale just discussed. Rupert says, “Uhhh, 2 Slurpees for 4 bucks and a sandwich.” Dave eyes brighten at such a bargain and holds Rupert to this sale. “The man has gone crazy!” cries Dave. “2 Slurpees and a sandwich for $4!” Rupert’s face crunches up in pain at the thought of this sale of the century. Dave is joyous at the excitement and incredible walk-up business being created at the Hello Deli.

KATIE HOLMES: She got her start at 18 on the Dawson’s Creek show and it ran for about 6 years. Not a bad start in show business. And now she’s playing Rachel in the new Batman Begins movie, opening Wednesday June 15th. She plays Bruce Wayne’s childhood best friend. Playing Batman is Christian Bale. He follows in the line of other Batmans . . . or Batmen, as Paul corrected . . . Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney. Anyone else? Darn, they forgot my favorite, Adam West.

A minute and a half into the segment, Dave says, “But let’s talk about the real reason we’re here . . .” Big laughs. Most everyone knows she is now dating Tom Cruise! Yeah! Hunky Tom Cruise!

Dave says it must be an exciting time for Katie, being in love with Tom Cruise, especially since it’s become obvious that Tom has gone nuts! Dave is referring to Tom’s appearance on the Oprah show when Tom was jumping up and down on her couch expressing his love for Katie Holmes. At least that’s what I think happened. I haven’t seen the episode yet. Katie was backstage at the Oprah show when Tom started jumping all over the furniture.

Dave asks, “Was that scary?” Katie says to the contrary, “NO! It was SO AMAZING!” Dave, a bit confused, asks, “You’re talking about Oprah.” Katie shoots back, “NO! MY MAN! TOM!”

Dave asks more about their relationship. How long have they known each other? Katie says they’ve known each other for 6 weeks. An excited Dave says, “Wow! So this thing still got some heat!”

But what does Katie really think of Tom? Katie gushes, “It was love at first sight. He is the most amazing man in the whole world.”

What kind of things do they do together? Tom and Katie recently went down to Mexico to do some scuba diving in a pool and dealing with a crazy dolphin. After hearing the story of her ordeal with the crazy dolphin, Dave says “I bet they put it down.” I know it’s not a pretty image but I always am amused when Dave uses that expression.

About Tom and Katie, Dave says, “I’m guessing you’re a little . . . . taller . . . or maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.” Katie gives Dave a look and says, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” It made me think back to Nicole Kidman on our show after her break up with Tom. She said, “Well, now I can wear heels.

Is marriage in the future? It’s too early too tell. . . . or at least, too early to talk about on TV. “Batman Begins” – opens Wednesday June 15.

ACT 5: It’s Brian Collins from Audience Show and Tell: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, from the Air America Radio Network, funny man Al Franken; and from ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ Ellen Pompeo. She’s hot! Boom Goes The Dynamite! We’ll be right back.”

SHOUT OUT LOUDS: From Sweden, making their network television debut, Shout Out Louds performed “Very Loud.”

Apologies to Bill Scheft. We unfortunately ran out of time. Bill will be back on Tuesday the 14th. His book, “The Best of The Show” is in stores now. And that was our show for Thursday June 9, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Leaving the theater to get to the office building, I saw a line of 15 going into Rupert’s for the Slurpee Special.

It was announced yesterday that Florida Republican Rep. Katherine Harris will run for the United States Senate come this November. And then earlier today it was announced that she will win by 12%.

Say, LATE SHOW fans. Our Cue Card guy William Clifford dabbles in the fiction writing and the online journal of arts and letters, DIRT (www.dirtpress.com) has just published its first print anthology. I’m happy to report that Mr. Clifford has one of his stories featured. A big congratulations to him. Better yet, you can BUY the anthology for your very own. And even better yet, the DIRT website has just published a brand new story of William’s which you can read online right now, called The Widower Hugs the Handyman. It is likely to be published in the 2nd DIRT print anthology in about a year. But you can read it today. According to William, it deals with drugs, religion, poker, sham marriages, and gay republicans. (sounds a bit autobiographical). Check it out at www.dirtpress.com, and congratulations, William Clifford!

HEY! I guess I’ve been wrong my entire life. Many many wrote in informing me that it’s “Beggars can’t be choosers,” not “Beggars can’t be choosey.” It’s “choosers”, not “choosey.” Who knew? Well, come to think of it, I guess everyone knew but me. I always thought it was “Beggars can’t be choosey.”

From Matthew Louwrens of Wellington, New Zealand:

”Sorry, the phrase is indeed ‘Beggars can't be choosers’. To confirm this, I Googled both phrases. Google found 29,900 uses of the former phrase, and only 431 uses of ‘Beggars can't be choosey’. Sorry about that...”

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
June 9, 1993: The Canadiens defeat the Kings 4-1 to clinch their 24th Stanley Cup.
June 9, 1993: The Minnesota North Stars are transferred to Dallas, becoming the Dallas Stars.

Any Dallas Stars hockey fans out there? I’ve always wondered why Dallas didn’t change their name from the Minnesota North Stars to the Dallas Lone Stars. Why are they just “Stars”? Wouldn’t “Lone Stars” be more state appropriate, as in Texas being the Lone Star State?

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!