Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs while rotting in prison. Dave got an advance copy of the book . . . . the audio version. The book is titled You May Be A Dictator If . . . We listen.

Saddam: “If you have your country’s soccer team summarily execute for losing a game, you might be a dictator.
If you enjoy watching your pet tigers devour your political enemies, you might be a dictator.
If you’ve executed 40 of your relatives, you might be a dictator.”

Robert Blake was on Larry King Live earlier in the night. Hopefully, this interview went better than the last one he gave.
We see Blake in a recent interview. He says, “It’s weird. I really do love killing people.”

It’s the Telemundo Highlight of the Night. I’m not sure if something is lost in the translation. From the talk show, Laura, we see a guy getting beat by 3 women. I “Played the Dave” and won. My favorite part, and Dave’s we discover, is the woman in the background calmly watching the goings on. She seems too calm to fear that she may be next. She does have the best seat in the house for the donnybrook, though.

BOB BORDEN BECOMES AN ACTOR: Bob is the writers’ assistant and has been with us for 9 years. Bob has been bitten by the acting bug and we learn that he auditioned for some commercials a few years back, which led to his remaining a writers’ assistant at the LATE SHOW. Bob got the itch again to spread his wings and spent some time not too long ago at the School for Film and Television to learn more about the craft. We take a look at his experience.
We see clips of Bob from his commercial auditions.
Bob telling the story of finding himself at auditions surrounded by fat lonely guys. Hmmm. He says it felt like a freakish Hall of Mirrors.
A teacher teaches Bob how to cry. For this he gets a hug from the elder Rollie.
An actor prepares: Bob shakes his arms . . . and body. . . . to loosen up. “Ladies, feast your eyes on this.” Bob reenacts a scene with an actor buddy from his day at work. Bob is sitting at a desk. The guy walks by. Bob says, “Good morning, Mr. Letterman.” The guy continues to walk by without noticing Bob.
Rollie the teacher says Bob looks like Roger Ebert. That’s odd, because Rollie looks more like Ebert than Bob does. We see a young starlet sing a lovely song to a class of 6. Bob tries his stuff, by singing AC/DC’s “Back in Black” to the same 6. It must have impressed, because he soon got a call from the Guiding Light people.
We see Bob in makeup. We see Bob in wardrobe. We see Bob waiting . . . and waiting for his performance.
We see Bob playing a cop. We see Bob playing a convincing cop.
And you can see this Bob’s appearance on the Guiding Light on Tuesday, June 6th. Remind me to remind you.
Nice job, Bob. Check it all out from the man himself, Bob Borden, at his website Bobborden.com, where it’s all Bob all the Time . . . but don’t let that stop you.

TOP TEN: Things Never Before Said By a “Star Wars” Character
- Box office, licensing, television, DVD and VHS sales, the Star Wars empire has earned $17 billion
- And here to present tonight’s Top Ten List, ten characters from the Star Wars movies.
#10. C3PO – “May the force be with the Miami Heat – Daddy’s got 20 large riding on them”
#9. Storm Trooper – “Ask your doctor or pharmacist is Cialis is right for you”
#8. Ewok – “Seacrest, Out!
#7. Darth Maul – “The only good thing ever to come from planet earth is fish sticks.”
#6. R2D2 – “I just hooked up backstage with an ice machine.”
#5. Imperial Guard – “The only people more powerful than I are Emperor Palpatine and Oprah.”
#4. Chewbaca – “We got spaceships and lightsabers, but nobody can fine me a damn razor.”
#3. Jango Fett: “Let’s put on some Al Jarreau so me and you can get freaky”
#2. Tuscan Raider: “How bad is CBS screwed without ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’?”
#1. Darth Vader: “I once used the force to open a jar of Vlasic Kosher Pickles.”

Before and after the show, lots of photos were snapped by LATE SHOW staffers, friends, and crew with the Star Wars characters. Never having seen any of the Star Wars movies, I hurried past and was first for cookies.

Reaction to the Star Wars characters reminded me of my visit to Disney World some years ago. While my family waiting for the Disney parade, seniors were elbowing their way to the front to get a better view of the characters. My girls were in danger of losing their spot. I wanted to tell the Senior Citizens, “They are just characters in the parade! It’s not really Snow White! It’s a college kid in Snow White clothes! And no, that’s not the real lion from the Lion King, it’s a college kid in a lion’s costume!” Since they were members of the Greatest Generation, I decided to keep quiet. Same thing here last night. I kept quiet but I wanted to say, “Walter! That’s not really a Chewbacca! It’s just a guy in a Chewbacca costume!” Later I found out that although it was just a guy in a chewbacca costume, it was THE GUY from the Star Wars movies inside the chewbacca costume. Well, OK then. I guess that changes everything. Still, Walter looked kind of silly unzipping his autograph book after the show.

RAY ROMANO: Hey! He’s in a suit! I had $20 on a blue shirt and black pants. I guess when a guy is out of a job, he needs to dress to impress. But then, why is he unshaven? I like the unshaven look.

Ray says sitting in the LATE SHOW guest chair tonight makes him feel as if he’s come full circle. Ten years ago almost to the night, Ray performed a stand-up routine that so impressed that he was immediately inked to a development deal by Worldwide Pants. He soon was on Everybody Loves Raymond and his life was changed forever . . . simply from that first LATE SHOW appearance. We see a clip of the end of his routine from back in 1995 as Dave walks up to greet him at the monologue mark. We see Dave in pants that have been cut into shorts. Ray has a story about ! that, too. On the show that night was a bit we did called, “May We Cut Your Pants Into Shorts?” We sent a camera out to the streets and asked a pedestrian if we could cut his pants into shorts. Later, Paul cut his pants into shorts, then Dave, and then so did guest Mel Gibson. Before Ray came out to do his 6 minutes, it was suggested to him that he too cut his pants into shorts. Ray says he had the scissors up to his pant leg when he decided against it. He didn’t want to come off as being a come-upper who thought he deserved to be in the “short-pants club” with big stars like Paul, Dave, and Mel. So Ray put the scissors down and performed his ! routine in his suit and long pants. Ray has often wondered what would have happened if he had cut his pants into shorts. Would the audience react differently to his stand-up? Would his timing be off due to the distraction? Would his words be lost by his appearance? Who knows? But Ray often wonders what would have happened if he did cut his pants that night 10 years ago. Maybe he would never have gotten that development deal.

Right now, I’m thinking I must have figuratively cut my pants sometime in my past when I shouldn’t have. It would explain a lot.

How has success changed Ray? He says it hasn’t changed him much, except for the obvious, but he heard something recently he NEVER would have heard if he didn’t have the success he has gotten from Raymond. His twins had a birthday coming up. They were acting up with excitement. Ray’s wife was getting exasperated and called up to their room threatening, “I’m canceling the monkey!” Ray knows he would never have heard those words spoken if not for the Raymond success.

An aside, Ray says if it is at all possible, you should get a monkey for a party. There’s nothing like a monkey. So after 9 very successful seasons of “Raymond,” the show has come to a close. Anything stunning happen in the final episode? Not really. It’s just another day in the Barone household. Light, funny, a few laugh-out-louds, entertaining. It was one of the best things on TV for the past 9 years. If a show can pull out even one “laugh-out-loud” a night, it’s a huge success to me. When I watched Raymond it always did. Dave thanks Raymond and the entire ELR crew for all they did for the Worldwide Pants franchise over the years. And as a thank you to Dave for all he did, Ray does something he missed out on 10 years ago. Ray takes a scissor to his pants and cuts them off at the knees. While he was cutting, his tie kept getting in the way. A frustrated Ray says, “What the ‘givl’” and cuts the tie up by the neck. (The Wahoo Gazette is a family publication. To decipher ‘givl’, simply look to the left on your keyboard of each! letter in ‘givl.’) With a potty mouth like that, it’s no wonder Ray Romano is out of a job.

ACT 5: Hey! The guy’s out of work for one day and in no time he’s got himself another job. It’s the Romano guy slicing meat at Rupert’s.

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND: From their new CD, Stand Up, the Dave Matthews Band performed “American Baby.”

And that was our show for Monday May 16, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I was watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond some years back. It was the time Ray’s mom Marie joined an art class and created a sculpture that looked like a . . . . . woman’s private part. No one ever said what it looked like, though everyone knew what it looked like, except for Marie. I loved this episode because where I grew up there is a huge sculpture in front of the county courthouse that looks exactly like a . . . . woman’s private part. Everyone knows it does, but nobody says anything about it. I don’t know how the courthouse sculpture got past the people who are should know better, but it did. It’s been up for years and it’s still up. One year I took a photograph of the sculpture and made it into my Christmas card. I’ve often wondered if the local courthouse sculpture was the inspiration for this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. And then I was leafing through the Everybody Loves Raymond – Our Family Album picture book that recaps every episode of “ELR.” This is what is written about Episode 127, Season 6, “Marie’s Sculpture” and how the idea for the episode came about. Writing is Raymond creator, Phil Rosenthal.

“A sculpture that looks something like this one actually resides outside the courthouse in Rockland County, New York, where I grew up. I called my parents to have them go take a photo of it for me.

Mom: “Philip needs a picture of the vagina sculpture.”
Dad: “What?”
Mom: “The Vagina Sculpture outside the courthouse.”
Dad: “There’s a vagina sculpture outside the courthouse?”
Mom: “Yes! It’s the sculpture that looks like a vagina! Everyone knows it looks like a vagina. Can’t you see that?”
Dad: (after a beat) “What do I know from vaginas?”

Newsweak (sic) Magazine: We may have been wrong, but we were first!

I was looking for something new for the show on the Google this weekend. I was hoping to find a horse or greyhound named “Late Show” that we could track its races, so I typed in “Late Show” and “Horse.” A lot came up but not what I was hoping for. I then typed in “Late Show” and “Greyhound.” BINGO! I found that there was a very popular and successful greyhound in Ireland named “Late Late Show.” I think it was named after Ireland’s Late Late Show and figured maybe Craig Ferguson could hop on board. Unfortunately, the greyhound “Late Late Show” no longer races and is now busy studding. . . . . well, unfortunate for us, I guess. I looked into Ireland’s Late Late Show and was quite surprised to see the name of the host. His name: Pat Kenny. That’s right. You can look it up.
http://www.answers.com/topic/pat-kenny

There are parallel bars at the local playground. Whenever my girls have a softball game there, they want to play on the parallel bars afterwards. They’ll hang by their legs upside down and they always look to be inches from losing grip. I feel better when I don’t watch. It’s bad enough that they put their lives in danger, but when they incorrectly called them the “paralyze bars”, it really makes me nervous.

Word from the Vatican is that Pope John Paul II is on the fast track to sainthood.
I think Pope John Paul II should have to wait 5 years before a possible canonization.
That’s how long Wade Boggs had to wait to make it to the Hall of Fame. If it’s good enough for baseball, it should be good enough for the Vatican.