THE LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW - It's the week . . . in review.
1. As you know, Britney Spears is pregnant and her impending motherhood has inspired her to develop this product for new parents. Dave holds up a nursery monitor called, "Britney Spears Baby Lip-Sync Monitor." A starburst reads, "Hear the noises your baby is pretending to make!"
2. This week, people tuned in to "American Idol" to see if there would be a fallout from the Paula Abdul scandal. And now that the show is vulnerable, it looks like the competition is ready to pounce. We see a clip of NBC's "The Apprentice." We learn that Donald Trump "nails every single one of 'The Apprentice's' female contestants . . . . and some of the guys, too. 'The Apprentice.' Only on NBC!"

Dave takes a moment and says, "I can understand people wanting to have sex with Paula Abdul. I can't understand why people would want to have sex with Donald Trump."

3. Everyone's talking about the new 15-pound cheeseburger being offered at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Pennsylvania. Dave believes he heard that our Paul Shaffer finished an entire burger himself. Is that right? Paul says he did, and remembers it as if it happened yesterday . . . . we gliss to see Paul supping on a huge burger. Shot after shot of Paul devouring the cheeseburger. When he's finished with the 15-pound burger, it's now Fat Paul. It looks like he gained 100 pounds. Dave says, "You know, that really didn't look like a real 15-pound burger." Paul answers truthfully, "It wasn't. We taped that before the story about the 15-pound burger came out." Paul's right. This was an old piece of video we taped months ago for a Hardee's burger joke that we never used. The Hardee's Monster burger was only 2/3 of a pound. A laughing Dave says to Paul, "I appreciate your honesty."

The Fat Paul reminded me of Jiminy Glick's brother.

4. The third most wanted terrorist in the world was captured last week. Al Qaeda released this message, bemoaning the capture, but it suddenly turns festive, congratulating the guy who moved up from fourth to third on the most wanted:

"Congratulations on being promoted from fourth to third most wanted terrorist. You'll receive an extra week's vacation, a George Foreman grill, and unlimited access to the company goat. Congratulations to you, Connie, and the kids. Way to go, buddy. Al Qaeda - it's what we do."

6. Renowned Soap Opera creator William Bell passed away recently as the age of 78. Dave saw this touching tribute. We see a nice montage of William Bell of his achievements in the soap opera world. It concludes, "Farewell to William Bell, survived by his wife Lee (photo of woman), his three children (photo of 3 young adults), and his scheming, long-lost brother Raoul. (photo of William Bell, but with a mustache. Tense, sting music, and a zoom on Raoul.) So long, old friend."

7. One of the top movies of the week was "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Our announcer Alan Kalter has a review of the film.
Alan: "Thanks, Dave. Based on the novel by Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' is a whimsical science fiction romp what will delight children and adults alike. The hitchhiking angle was of particular interest to me, as it brought to mind my own adventures back in the 70s when I would pick up hitchhikers. Oh, the electricity. The poor sap begins to sense something is not quite right. My hand closes stealthily around the knife handle. Then I hesitate. Does he suspect? I keep smiling. And then the exquisite flash of panic in the eyes as he realizes: Next stop, a shallow grave along the interstate. I think part of me wanted to get caught, though I never did. So, while it certainly can't match the delicious pleasure of taking another human life, this film is a fun way to spend a couple of hours. I recommend it. Back to you, Dave." Dave wonders if Alan is OK. Alan assures he never felt better.

WILL IT FLOAT?
Tonight's item: a Cuisinart 8-cup rice cooker. Dave thinks it will float. Paul believes it will sink. What are we playing for tonight? An above-ground pool. The scrim rises. The models drop the Cuisinart 8-cup rice cooker and it . . . . . FLOATS! And then it SINKS! It eventually filled with water and it sunk! Oh, what a Will It Float! Dave says every show should have a Will It Float. He then says he wants to play again later in the show. Backstage, many begin scurrying looking for an object similar in density to water.

TOP TEN: Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Prom Date.
#10. "Wow, 9 months form tonight we'll be parents!"
#9. "Here's your limousine . . . ignore the Domino's logo."

Dave correctly states, "How could you possibly ignore the Domino's logo?"

#4. "You're even prettier than you are in your bedroom window."
#2. "Would you like to come in and meet my father, North Korean madman Kim Jong Il?"

WILL IT FLOAT, PART DEUX: Before playing for the second time, Dave reminds up that stole the game Will It Float from the very popular British version "Is It Buoyant?"
It's a bucket of joint compound. What kind of joint compound? "All-purpose" says Alan. This time, we're playing for a snow-blower. Dave says it will sink. Paul says it will float. That's why we play the game. The girls drop the object and it . . . . . SINKS

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Jackson is a big fan of the golf and Dave asks what he thought of the Masters and THE SHOT made by Tiger Woods. Samuel says Tiger is so good, he doesn't think of what he needs to do to win, he thinks, "What can I do to impress the gallery?" It's not just about winning. It's about being entertaining along the way to winning. Tiger's chip shot ran a "question mark" route involving a big turn along the way. It was truly a remarkable shot. But that shot didn't make Tiger the big winner. He still had a couple holes to go. The big winner on that shot was Nike. The ball, made by Nike, rolled and rolled and rolled on its way to the hole. It began to slow down as it neared the hole. Would it have enough oomph to get to the hole? It rolled, it slowed, it slowed, it rolled, then it stopped right on the lip of the hole. The camera zeroed in on the hole. And there the ball sat right on the edge. And right there on the ball staring straight at the camera was the Nike swoosh. Perfect product placement. That's what you call a real "money shot." Drive for show . . . Putt for dough.
What is Samuel's golf handicap? "About a 7." I still don't know what that means. I think it means he averages 7 over par for 18 holes.
Mr. Jackson, of course, is in the big summer blockbuster, "Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith." I'm not sure if George Lucas made up the word "sith" or if he has a bit of the dyslexia. Jackson has a big fight scene in the Sith and he goes all out. It's a fight to the death. We see a clip from the Sith movie. Ha ha, Jackson! You've been Shecky'd! That's not a clip from the Star Wars movie! It's a cartoon! That's footage from our film coordinator, Shecky, whom we at the Late Show like to call "Shecky."
"Star Wars: Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith" - if you're reading this, you're not a true fan of the Star Wars. You'd be waiting on line somewhere for the Thursday May 19th premiere.

MEMORABLE INTERNSHIP MOMENT: This is the time of year when our spring interns are ending up their stay at the Late Show. We thought it would be nice if one of them came out and told us a story about their time with us. Tonight, we say hello to Late Show intern, Frank McElroy.
Frank: "One day I passed Dave in the hallway and I said, 'Hi, Dave.' The next day Dave's lawyer called and told me to stop stalking his client."

ACT 5: This is a Late Show Holiday Message. Since it's 'Elvis Week' on CBS, we'd like to say, may you and your family be blessed with the peace and joy of Elvis - from all of us at the Late Show.
This has been a Late Show Holiday Message. Tell your friends.

STING: Sting sings an old time Police favorite, "Next To You." Afterwards, Dave talks to Sting about his memoir, now in paperback, "Broken Music." And we learn the winning horse at last week's Kentucky Derby, "Giacomo," was named after Sting's son. Sting is friends with the owner, Jerry Marse. How about that!

And that was our show for Friday, May 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey, did you see the landslide along the West Side Highway/Henry Hudson Parkway here in New York City this week? It covered the entire northbound highway. It's about a quarter-mile north of my exit on the West Side Highway onto the George Washington Bridge for my commute home. It happened around 4:00 PM Thursday. Traffic was a major mess for hours, with the northbound West Side Highway traffic shut down from 57th up to the landslide at around 181st. Those stuck on the highway were diverted off. Just as I was about to get in my car to take a long roundabout way home, they opened up traffic to the bridge from the West Side Highway. I jumped on before anyone else. I flew right up to the bridge and across. It was my easiest home commute of the year. If only we could have a landslide everyday.

And speaking of traffic: Tuesday's USA Today reported that New York City commuters average 49 extra hours a year commuting because they have to sit in traffic. That ranks 18th in the nation. L.A. is first at 93 hours. This seems like a lot until you sit down with pencil and paper. Let's look at New York City. 49 hours a year. We'll say a commuter gets 3 weeks off a year. That means he commutes 49 weeks a year. So according to this study, this commuter who drives in to New York City to work sits in traffic one hour a week. That's 12 minutes a day. That's 6 minutes each way, each day. Does that sound right to you? No, it doesn't. It takes me 6 minutes to pull off the curb into traffic in the city. I measure my non-traffic commute once a year: on Yom Kippur. The road that day is wide open. I use that Yom Kippur morning commute as my baseline for how long my commute would be without traffic. It's about 24 minutes. A good regular day commute is about twice that; 48 minutes. That means 24 minutes is added to my commute each day each way due to traffic congestion. If I commuted into the city 49 weeks a year, my wait in traffic would be (24+24) X 5 X 49. This comes to 4 hours a week, or 193 hours a year. And my commute is not in the meat of the rush hour. I miss the worst part by an hour or so. My wait in traffic is closer to 193 hours a year than the 49 hours reported in the USA Today. How does this study measure the time sitting in traffic? I question the validity of the study.

Are you looking to put on some pounds this weekend? Then join Owensboro, Kentucky's Rich Suwanski at the Owensboro Barbecue Festival. "It's the best damn barbecue in the world," says Rick. He highly recommends the Old Hickory Pork Ribs soaked in sauce.
Rich, you got my mouth watering. I think I'll create my own barbecue festival this weekend on the deck. I'll be serving beer at my personal barbecue festival. Do they have beer at the Owensboro?

I'm watching the TV the other day and I here Devo's "Uncontrollable Urge." It's a commercial for Mitsubishi. Wow. Besides "Whip It," I'm not sure if a Devo tune has ever been used to sell product. I first became familiar with Devo watching them perform on "Saturday Night Live." On that episode of SNL, f I remember correctly they sang "We Are Not Men" and the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction." I could probably look it up on the Google but I have it when I prove my own memory wrong. I'd rather others do that.

Here are the lyrics to Devo's "Uncontrollable Urge."
GOT AN URGE GOT A SURGE
AND IT'S OUT OF CONTROL
GOT AN URGE I WANNA PURGE
'CAUSE I'M LOSING CONTROL
UNCONTROLLABLE URGE
I WANNA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
UNCONTROLLABLE URGE
MAKES ME SCREAM AND SHOUT IT
IT'S GOT STYLE IT'S GOT CLASS
SO STRONG I CAN'T LET IT PASS
I GOTTA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
I GOTTA SCREAM AND SHOUT IT
AND I SAY YEAH

Devo is short for De-evolution . . . . I think.

Mike Stedham of Anniston, Alabama writes in claiming the image that was on the TV when Elvis Presley shot the television was Frank Sinatra. He cites Robert Goulet as the source of this information.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 13, 1975 - Philadelphia Flyers defeat the New York Islanders in the 7th game of the NHL Semifinals after leading the Islanders 3 games to 0. Kate Smith sang "God Bless America" before the game. And so ended my favorite year of following New York Islander hockey.