LATE SHOW CLIFFHANGERS - It's the ratings period, which means shows are doing whatever they can to raise the stakes with dramatic twists and turns so people will watch. We're not above that, so tonight, we got Late Show Cliffhangers.

1. Rupert - we see Rupert in his Hello Deli. He opens a jar of mayonnaise and sniffs. He offers the jar to his employee, asking "Does this smell OK to you?" Sting/freeze/Late Show Cliffhangers chyron.

2. There's a woman off-stage. She calls out to Dave, "I have something I need to talk to you about . . . or should I say we have something to talk to you about." The camera widens to reveal she is pregnant. Sting/freeze/Late Show Cliffhangers chyron

LATE SHOW EQUATIONS - it's cardboard with an equation. The answer is covered. At the end, Dave reveals the answer.

1. Cap'n Crunch + a Rockette = . . . . . . . . the inspiration for Michael Jackson's Courtroom wardrobe.
2. "Gilligan's Island" + Juliard Drama School = . . . . . . ABC's "Lost."
3. Iraq - Saddam Hussein = . . . . . .Detroit.

It seems to work better when Dave shows the answer, then says it.

Late Show Cliffhanger: A guy in the audience has something. We see a sleepy audience member. We can hear his thoughts: "I swore I wouldn't fall asleep! But this show just isn't very entertaining. Come on, man, don't fall asleep. . . ." Sting/Freeze/Late Show Cliffhanger.

4. Darth Vader + Extra Mechanical Parts = . . . . . . Vice President Dick Cheney.

Dave takes a moment to play with the Dick Cheney part of the equation. He covers Dick Cheney, then uncovers, then covers. In his Senor Wences voice, Dave says, Hello, Goodbye, and other stuff I've forgotten.

5. 12 Los Angeles residents + gas leak = . . . . Robert Blake acquittal.
6. Alan Kalter - orange hair dye = . . . . . . the late Fred MacMurray
7. Ovaltine + crack = . . . . . Starbucks Cappuccino
8. Uninspired comedy ideas + cardboard = . . . . Late Show equations

Dave stops to drink from his mug. "I wonder if this coffee is tasty?" he asks. He sips. Sting/Freeze/Late Show Cliffhanger.
Back to Dave, who says, "Hey! This isn't coffee!" Sting/Freeze/Late Show Cliffhanger.
Back to Dave one more time, he says, "Oh, wait. Sorry, it is coffee."
Sting/Freeze/Late Show Cliffhanger.

9. "American Idol" - Paula Abdul = . . . . . new job for Gloria Estefan.
10. Milk + chocolate = delicious beverage
11. "Desperate Housewives" + Xanax = . . . . . . Housewives
12. Paris Hilton + Arby's + Pizzeria Uno + Taco Bell + Baskin Robbins = Kirstie Alley
13. Barry Bonds + steroids = Barry Bonds.

And finally, our own Alan Kalter has a Late Show Cliffhanger. We see Alan sitting at his perch. A bucket is hanging just above his head. Alan says, "What will happen when this bucket of paint precariously hanging above my head finally gives way?" The bucket turns upside down and blue paint falls. Just before it hits Alan . . . . sting/freeze/Late Show Cliffhanger.
Dave looks on with satisfaction. Back to Alan who we now see is covered with blue paint.

And that was Late Show Equations and Late Show Cliffhangers.

Back from commercial, Dave salutes Alan for taking one for the team. "Nice job, Alan."

TOP TEN: Signs You're Too Fat - According to a recent study, 81% of Americans believe they are overweight and need to lose weight. The United States spends $120 billion a year in medical care dealing with the nation's obesity problem. The problem? Paul says we have no portion control. Dave says it's because we tend to overeat, plus it's all the snacking between meals.
#9. Your home movies are in IMAX.
#3. Regularly see shots of yourself on television news stories about fat people.
#2. Every time you get out of your car there's a steering wheel imprint on your stomach.

PRISCILLA PRESLEY: she's the producer and star of the CBS special, "Elvis by the Presleys," to be seen Friday at 8:00.
Priscilla was only 14 when Corporal Elvis came along and swooshed her off her feet. Yikes! Priscilla's was a member of the U.S. Air Force at the time. Elvis thought she was a senior in high school and it took Priscilla some time to tell him she was 14. After 3 dates, Priscilla's dad demanded he meet this man. Elvis impressed, and Priscilla was soon off to Tennessee to live with Elvis' family. That was in 1959. They married in 1967.
Dave's curiosity of Elvis was obvious as he threw out a bevy of questions to Priscilla about The King, covering her life with Elvis, his friends, his generosity, and his music. I was very interested in Elvis' film career. Most remember his bubble-gum boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl-back formula of his films, but he was much better than that. His early work showed quite a talent on the screen, but the later simple ones made fast easy money and that's the route his manager Col. Tom Parker decided to take. Elvis was the first choice for the remake of the remake, "A Star is Born" with Barbra Streisand, but the Colonel decided against it. The part went to Kris Kristofferson.
We take a look at photos of Elvis' life. The last photo was of a television set with a bullet hole in the screen. It's from the well-known story of Elvis being unhappy with something he saw on TV and so he fired a shot at it. Dave asked Priscilla if she knew what he was watching at the time. She says she does know but doesn't want to say. Dave pressed on. Priscilla simply left it with, "He didn't like people on TV who didn't have talent," or something like that. Oooh. Anybody know? I'll print all responses, whether right or not.
"Elvis by the Presleys" - on CBS Friday night at 8:00. Look for the book and the CD by the same name.

QUENTIN TARANTINO: He's from Tennessee and a big fan of the Elvis. In the first script he ever wrote, "True Romance," Quentin wrote a character with Elvis in mind. He wanted to name the character Elvis but was afraid he would get sued . . . by Priscilla. So instead he called the guy, "The Mentor," played by Val Kilmer.
What got Quentin interested in filmmaking? Quentin says he knew what he wanted to do his whole life. When he was 5-years-old he watched the movie, "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein." If Quentin is like me, he probably saw it on a Sunday morning right before Giants football. And when it wasn't an Abbott and Costello movie on Sunday morning, it was the Bowery Boys with Slip Mahoney. Anyway, back to Quentin.
Quentin spoke of Elvis' movie roles and said he was actually a terrific actor, mentioning his early work in King Creole and Love Me Tender. Then Elvis made "Blue Hawaii." It made more money than any of his other films. This was the beginning of the end of his quality movie career.
Quentin Tarantino directed the season finale of "CSI," a two-hour special episode which will air Thursday May 19th on CBS. Like with all subjects he's involved with, Quentin is very enthusiastic about the program and very happy with the results.

ACT 5: It's the guy in the audience from the Late Show Cliffhangers. He's asleep.

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 11, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I went home last night and the first thing I did was slap on a couple Elvis albums on the turntable.

USELESS FACTS AND TRIVIA
-Shrimps' hearts are in their heads
-90 million people survive on less than $75 a year.
-You share a birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
-Ingrown toenails are hereditary
-The longest United States Highway: Route 6, starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California.
-The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets.
-The three best-known western named in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
-A group of frogs is called an army
-A group of rhinos is called a crash
-A group of kangaroos is called a mob
-A group of whales is called a pod
-A group of ravens is called a murder
-A group of officers is called a mess

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 11, 1972: The Boston Bruins defeat the New York Rangers 4 games to 2 to win the Stanley Cup.