Tonight we’ll be dropping stuff off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. On the roof 90 feet above the sidewalk, is our property master Pat Farmer. The weather conditions for tonight’s roof drop are just about perfect.
Temperature: 67 degrees
Humidity: 52%
Barometric Pressure: 30.11 inches and rising
Wind: from the southeast at 6 mph
Visibility: 10 miles
Sunrise: 5:44 A.M.
Sunset: 8:02 P.M.
Low Tide: 4:32 P.M.
High Tide: 10:35 P.M.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent
Celebrity Birthdays: U2’s Bono – 45 years old.
Donovan Leitch – 59 years old.
Fred Astaire – would have been 106.

I added Donovan Leitch to the list simply because years ago when my friends and I would slowly slip into a stupor, for fun we would try to see how many times we could say “Hurdy Gurdy” in one breath. I’ll wait while you try it yourself now.

Fun, right?

Let’s get right to it. First off the roof tonight is a set of drums. Pat Farmer drops the set of drums from the roof of the theater and we see it tumble down to the ground. The result is a bit disappointing. Not much going on there. Just a set of drums falling to the ground. Dave was hoping for something with more . . . pizzazz to kick off the roof drop. I’m not sure, but after the drum set hit the pavement, I believ! e I saw a tear coming from Anton’s eye.

It’s time for Telemundo Highlight of the Night – in tonight’s episode of Laura, a man is confronted by his wife, his mistress, and his mistress’s mother. The poor guy gets a well-deserved beating from the three dames.

Next up off the roof: 50 bottles of 40-ounce Colt 45s. Ahh, this usually works well. Pat sets up the 50 ‘45 40s and sends them on their descent. As you can imagine, the result was both pleasing to the eye and ear. I’m not sure, but after the Colt 45s hit the pavement, I believe I saw a tear coming from a stagehand’s eye.

George W. Bush was in Russia this week in the Republic of Georgia. He tried his best to fit in with his surroundings. I’m not sure he succeeded. We cut to Bush speaking in front of a Russian crowd: “Mi Casa, Tu Casa.”

What do we have next from the roof? It’s 7,500 super balls. The colorful super balls are released and we see them hit and bounce every which way. Dave says, “According to Einstein’s theory, those balls will continue to bounce commensurate with the expansion of the universe.” That Einstein was smart. I don’t even know what that means.

Back from commercial, more off the roof. This time, 200 pounds of Nacho cheese. Dave sort of pulled a quick one here as Pat and the boys on the roof weren’t quite ready for this call. We see the lads lift the mucho Nacho cheese to the platform. Without the help of the models standing by, I don’t think the stagehand crew could have successfully completed the lift. When all is ready, Pat and the crew drop the huge bowl of yellow/orange nacho cheese to 53rd Street. The result was satisfying. Dave says, “Looking at that tells me two things:
That is solid entertainment.
That is why every other country hates us.”

It’s a brand new segment on the show, “Ape or Artist?” Behind the scrim is a work of art. Dave and Paul have to determine whether the painting was done by an ape . . . . or if the painting was done by an artist. We raise the scrim and Dave does not believe it to be done by an ape. Impossible. Paul agrees. Or maybe he didn’t agree. I was busy at this time. What did you ! think? For those who did not see last night’s show, think Jackson Pollock. It’s time to find out if the painting was done by an ape or an artist.
Alan?

Alan: “Dave, it was done by an ape! At the age of 73, Cheeta is the world’s oldest living chimp. Prior to painting, he was an actor, appearing in more than a dozen Tarzan films in the 1930s and 40s. His paintings are currently on display at Studio OneEleven in Palm Springs, California. Similar paintings by Cheeta have sold for $1,000.”

What’s next from the roof? It’s 60 containers of baby powder. The men on the roof lift the platform and the powder is sent below. The impact results in a smoke bomb effect.

Back from commercial, what do we have next from the roof? This one is particularly beautiful, it is 14 umbrellas. Pat compares it to something you would see in The Sound of Music but I think he meant Mary Poppins. Wrong Julie Andrews flick. Pat and the crew drop the 14 opened umbrellas and we see them float to the ground. Dave likens it to a Christo work of art. I likened it to a work of art of an ape.

HELEN HUNT: She’s a new mom, birthing one year ago. The little one is already talking, calling everything “bop-mm.” Dave adds that children of that age understand everything buy their verbalization is limited. By the time they become teens, the reverse is true.

Helen tried the hypno-birthing method of delivery --- California. Did it help? Well, she thinks it would have but the baby came a few weeks early and she didn’t have enough hypno lessons. The process ouched pretty bad. But all is good, all is healthy.

Helen mentions a vacation she went on with her boyfriend. She had mentioned the boyfriend a few times earlier. Dave breaks in and asks, “You say ‘boyfriend’. Does your husband know about this?” Big laugh, and Helen wonders if Dave is one to talk. Dave gives a shrug, agrees, but explains it needed to be asked. Anyway, the boyfriend has had a long history of having trouble with rats. Throughout his life, rats have appeared out o! f nowhere and scared the heck out of him. Well, Helen and the boyfriend went to Hawaii on vacation recently. The boyfriend was snoring so he was directed to sleep in the guest room. That night, the poor fellow met up with a rat. While he slept, a rat made it onto his bed, under the covers, and began . . . . exploring . . . in the worst possible place in the world. And what was the rat doing? It began . . . nibbling. Ewwwwww! I wish Helen hadn’t told that story. At the end of the story, Dave wants to revisit this “worst possible place in the world.” Dave says when Helen first said that, he thought she was talking about Newark.

You can see Helen in the HBO mini-series Empire Falls, premiering May 28th. I’ve heard good things about it and the Pulitzer Prize-winning book by the same name. Paul Newman developed it for HBO and it stars Helen Hunt, Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Ed Harris, Aidan Quinn and more.

ACT 4: Dave pleads for viewers to realize his remark about Newark was just a joke. He begs for no phone calls, hate mail, or e-mail. He says he could have easily used Muncie, Indiana, instead. It made no difference. It was just a joke. Dave admits what he should have used was Gary, I ndiana.

We find Helen Hunt on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. She is going to help Pat Farmer toss the next item. And what is the next item up for bid? Dinner plates. I forgot the number but I think we had about 250 dinner plates ready to go. With the help of many, the plates go over. I hope you all enjoyed that. You better have. Those plates we destroyed for your entertainment are about my week’s pay. There goes any trickle down coming my way.

ACT 5: It’s the dropping of the nacho cheese in slow motion reverse.

TOM DREESEN: Tom has a confession. He and Helen Hunt once dated. He says she’s kind of nutty. She always insisted on bringing her pet rats to the hotel. She loved to let them loose.

Dave and Tom spent this past Christmas in Iraq and Afghanistan with Paul, Biff and some of the staff. It was da! ngerous, thrilling, inspiring, and emotional. Tom says just before he was about to perform at the first base, a soldier advised “If we get incoming during your performance, you jump into that bunker right there.” The soldier points to a hole in the ground. Tom snaps back, “What ever happened to ‘Have a good show’?”

Tom also performed at George W. Bush’s inaugural ball, something that puts him in high regard in Hollywood. They just love Bush and the Republicans on the left coast. This wasn’t the first time he’s performed for Presidents. Tom says he performed for both Bush’s, Clinton, and Reagan. He recalls following Clinton after the President gave a speech. Tom was impressed with himself at that moment. He says in his early days he would open for Frank Sinatra. . . now the President of the United States is opening for him! Tom Dreesen has also performed for Lou Icebox.

Tom is in town this week to receive the 2005 Ellis Island Medal of Honor. The Award is given to those whose ancestor have passed through Ellis Island and have given back to the place they came. Tom was awarded the Honor for his work against Multiple Sclerosis.

And to close out the show, Pat and any hands available throw everything that’s left up on the roof. That included over 10,000 playing cards, more beer, superballs, baby powder, dinner plates, water bottles, and I can’t remember what else.

And that was our show for Tuesday May 10, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

My suggestion to throw off the roof: in the final scene when Pat throws over everything he has left over, I suggested a kitchen sink. The home viewer would be saying, “Wow, Pat’s throwing everything over the side but the kitchen sink” . . . . . and then, “Hey, look! A kitchen sink!” But I guess more of what we had already thrown is better than something new like a kitchen sink.

What’s a used kitchen sink go for? A few bucks? My girls were doing homework tonight about the planets. I asked Danielle if she could name the nine planets. She started with confidence. “Mercury, Venus, earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uterus, and Pluto.” Wrong body part, but I figured it was close enough. Plus, I di! dn’t want to know how she knew about Uterus.

FUN STUFF I LIKE TO DO:
Watch Ellen. Watch The Tony Danza Show. Watch Oprah. Watch Dr. Phil. Look for a man in the audience. It’s like looking for Waldo.

The new Star Wars movie opens next Thursday. I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars films. For 25 years now I haven’t gotten any of the Star Wars jokes or references. And it looks like another summer of not getting any.

I’m pitching a joke for Wednesday night’s show. Tune in and see if it’s used. Here it is:
- The Rolling Stones announced their new concert tour. And for the tour, they redesigned their logo. Take a look.
- We see the familiar big lips, open mouth and red tongue Rolling Stones logo. The front teeth are removed. Nearby is a glass of water with dentures.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 10, 1970: The Boston Bruins sweep the St. Louis Blues to win the Stanley Cup. This is the game of the famous photo of Bobby Orr scoring the overtime goal while flying through the air.