Dave is excited about tomorrow’s Kentucky Derby, though he misses terribly the great call by announcer Dave Johnson, “ . . . and down the stretch they come!” Dave Johnson broadcast the Kentucky Derby for years for ABC TV. Then in 2001, NBC took over and Dave Johnson was relegated to radio. Ever since, Dave the host has phoned Mr. Johnson just before the Kentucky Derby to hear that famed call. Dave the Host tells Dave Johnson exactly what he wants and the host does the call himself; “AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!” ! ; After a bit of the chit chat, we are ready for the call from Mr. Johnson. Over the phone, Dave Johnson sets up the race coming into the final turn. And then as we all inch forward in our seats at the neck-and-neck race, Dave Johnson in all his glory, shouts, “. . . AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!” The call is spine tingling. It is his signature call. It is so much better than Yankee announcer John Sterling’s signature call, “IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS . . . . . GONE! NO! Foul ball. Sorry. It’s a foul ball.”

Hold on to your wigs and keys, it’s time for the LATE SHOW’s Week in Review. Paul intros the piece with a remake of the theme to Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In’s theme to their “Laugh-In Looks At The News.” It went something like, “Ladies and gents, Laugh-in looks at the news . . . here’s Dick and Dan!”

LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
1. Recently, Ryan Seacrest received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. We see a clip of the “Idol” host receiving his star. Dave, talking over the clip, mutters, “He’s in show business about a week and a half and he’s getting a star on the Walk of Fame.” And this week Dave was inducted into an exclusive group as well. We see a video clip from outside a nearby Radio Shack. The camera enters and we see a sign by the cashier: “Do not accept checks from:” It is two photos of Dave, one with a fake musta! che.

2. “People” magazine’s annual list of the 50 Most Beautiful People came out this week. The concept has been so successful that it has spawned a number of imitators. Dave holds up an example: It’s Monkey magazine with the cover story, “The 50 Most Beautiful Monkeys.”

3. President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah last week down on his ranch in Crawford, Texas. We see a photo of the President and the Crown Prince walking hand-in-hand on the ranch. ! And then we see another photo of the President and the Crown Prince about to lip kiss (actual photo). And this last photo Dave found most disturbing. We see a photo of Bush and Abdullah in the famed nude John Lennon/Yoko Ono photo in bed.

4. It’s the 131st Running of the Kentucky Derby tomorrow and that is the inspiration for this new segment, “Jokes for Jockeys.” Dave welcomes Arthur Travis, the Commissioner of the National Thoroughbred Racing Association. The gentleman enters and tells the joke: “What’s the hardest time to win a horse race? . . . . . . 12:31 because it’s 29 to one.” We! hear one person laughing hysterically in the audience. A camera does a quick search and we find a jockey in his silks guffawing it up. He found this joke very funny. And why shouldn’t he? It was a “Joke for Jockeys.”
Were you like me? The second I saw the guy come out on stage to tell the joke, I said, ‘Funny . . . He doesn’t LOOK like an Arthur Travis.”

5. Today is May 6th, the 68th Anniversary of the Hindenberg disaster. We took this opportunity to reintroduce the segment, “It’s Not So Bad with Funny Music.” Ominous music accompanies an “It’s Not So Bad with Funny Music” art card. Hard cut to the Hindenberg burning, accompanied with music entitled, “Wild Clown #1.” 6. Mother’s Day is this weekend. Alan Kalter has a few words he would like to say.

Alan: (holding a vase of flowers) “This Sunday is the day we honor the tireless women whose soothing words would coax us back to sleep after a nightmare. The women who’d dry our tears after a skinned knee. The women who’d give us a shiny nickel not to tell daddy about Mr. Watkins, the gardener.”
(Alan slowly turns angrier)
“The women who’d plop us in front of the television every afternoon to shut us up while he got lost in a bottle of Cuttysark. The women who arranged for trips to a specialist when our bedwetting persisted through college. The women who put us in dresses to try to force us to become the daughter she never had.”
(now very angry)
“What kind of a sadistic shrew puts a strapping high school boy in a dress? Why don’t you get the gardener to take you to Red ‘GIVL-ing’ Lobster, bitch!”
Alan throws down his vase of flowers and storms off. “Happy Mother’s Day, from your friends at the Late Show” appears.

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS
#1. Angie Green, from Westminster, Colorado.
She’s a student at Metro State College of Denver studying to become a secondary education teacher. Dave says kids today tend to be punks. Angie agrees. I’ve had lots of teachers like that.
What does Angie have to show or tell us? She says the can imitate a car alarm. Dave asks if there is anything he can do. “Do I need to tickle you?” Angie tells him no. A disappointed Dave says, “That’s too bad.”
Angie raises her chin, looks towards the balcony, and while giving herself short chops to the throat, performs a perfect car alarm. It was so good, in fact, people in the apartment across the street started throwing cans of tuna fish at her.

#2. Adam Brown, from Victoria, British Columbia.
First Green, then Brown. I immediately looked to see who our 3rd Stupid Human Trick was. Too bad. It’s a guy named ‘Weston.’
What does Adam do for a living? He is a system support analyst. Dave has no idea what that means. Adam gives a simplified explanation that anybody could understand. Dave still doesn’t get it.
What does Adam have to show or tell? He can go from a military push-up position straight up to a handstand. Dave exclaims, “Oh, that can’t be done!” I had to agree, but I guess Adam wouldn’t be here if it couldn’t be done. Imagine how many people we accepted everyone who said they could do something and then we find out on the show they couldn’t. Adam gets down on the floor as if to do a push-up. He lifts his feet so the only thing touching the ground are his h! ands. He then slowly lifts his feet higher and higher until he is in a handstand. OUCH! Nice job, Adam Brown!

#3. Brad Weston of Chicago, Illinois.
He’s an event planner. And what does an event planner do? Brad seems evasive. Dave tries to help, “. . . put together company parties?” Brad sort of agrees. A suspicious Dave asks, “Is ‘Brad Weston’ your real name?”
What does Brad have to show or tell? He can balance several golf clubs and a golf ball. If I am remembering correctly, Brad balanced a wood golf club on a golf ball. Then he placed the tip of the driver under the golf ball. He lifted the driver and placed it on his forehead. With an iron, he tapped the wood club that was resting on the golf ball and slowly spun the wood. Ta da! I would have bet this couldn’t be done. Bef! ore the trick, Dave repeated the sage golf adage: “Drive for show . . . putt for dough.” Brad’s trick could take care of both ‘show’ and ‘dough.’

And that was our Stupid Human Tricks for tonight.

Back from commercial, Dave comments about the Tricks, pointing out that you don’t need video games to have fun. All you need to do is turn on your TV set.

Dave leans over and picks up the telephone. Standing by is Dave Johnson. He bellows, “And down the stretch they come!

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE: You remember her as Kelly Bundy on Married with Children. She’s now starring in the Broadway music revival, Sweet Charity at the Al Hirschfeld Theater.

While performing the show in Chicago, she broke her foot during the first 5 minutes of a performance. She struggled and suffered through the rest of the scene, not letting on what had happened. Backstage, she told a stage manager of the problem. An ambulance was called but she continued till the end of the performance. Changing footwear during a costume ch! ange while you’re suffering a broken foot is no picnic, but you know what they say in show business . . . . . . . come on, where am I going with this . . . . I’ll give you a second to catch up . . . . you know what I’m about to say . . . . . c’mon you can do it . . . . . . . so, changing footwear during a costume change while you’re suffering a broken foot is no picnic, but you know what they say in show business . . . . “the shoe must go on.” (Music; fanfare from Paul --- that is, if the Wahoo Gazette had music and Paul) The show was in danger of being shut down. Reworking her contract, the producers agreed to continue with the show and now Christina will extend her run through January 21st rather than September as had originally been agreed upon. She wears a special boot now which covers up the tattoo on her leg. What kind of tattoo? Christina isn’t very proud of the work, describing it as the kind of tattoo you get when you’re drunk and regret in the morning.

(ed.note: I think the only reason I never got a tattoo when I was drunk was because I wanted that money for more drinks).

How’s it living in New York City? Christina loves the excitement and variety of New York. She likes going to the Private Clubs where people feel free to be more . . .! colorful. She admits to having a bit of the voyeurism in her, as we all do, and the last time she visited such a club, two ladies were . . . ‘dancing.’ Then another couple joined in. Were they inebriated? Christina says, “I hope so.” Christina admits to being fascinated and repulsed at the same time.

So what’s the story about Brad Pitt. Rumor has it they dated at one time. Christina says she’s known Brad for years. Long ago she went to an MTV Movie Award Show with Brad. And she ditched him. She ended up hanging out with someone else later in the night. She ditched Brad Pitt. Dave laments, “I wonder if he’ll ever find another date?”

Christina Applegate: in “Sweet Charity” at the Al Hirschfeld Theater right here in New York.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item: a German Chocolate Cake.
Dave says it will sink.
Paul says it will sink.
The girls drop the German Chocolate Cake and it . . . . FLOATS!
Dave and Paul are both wrong. Damn. That really puts a downer on tonight’s Will It Float post-party.

ACT 5: And now some surprising facts about German Chocolate Cake.
The cake took its name from an American with the last name of ‘German.’
Another surprising fact: The first published recipe for German’s chocolate cake showed up in a Dallas newspaper in 1957.
And here’s one final fact about German Chocolate Cake --- the sum’bitch floats!
Go get yourself some German Chocolate Cake today!

BRIAN REGAN: He never fails to make me laugh out loud at least once during his performance. Tonight he covered cholesterol, going to the doctor, feeling like a little kid at the doctor’s office, heartburn, cannon ball, and relaxing your lip.
You can see more of Brian Regan on his new DVD, I Walked on the Moon.

And that was our show for Friday May 6, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Remember I was talking about growing my tomatoes upside down this year? (Tuesday, May 3). What you do is get a 5-gallon bucket and cut a hole in the bottom. You fill it up with dirt, put the top on, and then place a small tomato plant through the bottom hole. You then hang the bucket from a pole or something. You cut another hole through the top for watering. The plant grows down through the bottom, providing better air circulation and less disease to the tomatoes.

And then I was thinking . . . . how about growing a flower through the hole in the TOP of the bucket? The tomato plant grows through the hole in the bottom; a colorful flowery plant grows out through the top. Horticulturalist? Would this work? I’m just trying to show my girls unorthodox ways to do the common. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

My Kentucky Derby Picks: from yesterday’s Wahoo:
After 8 minutes of mental deliberation and study, if I had $100 to lose, I would put $60 on “Noble Causeway” (12-1) to win. In a field of speed, he’s got the best finishing kick.
$20 on “Greeley’s Galaxy” (15-1) to win.
$10 on “Don’t Get Mad” (30-1) to win.
And every time I go to the track, I have to bet the 5-3 Exacta, in this case $10 on Coin Silver to win, Sun King to place.

Most of my picks are based on the last newspaper I read. On my drive home from work each night (8:00-ish), I’ll sometimes listen to the Yankee game on WCBS-880. Of course the Yankees are the game’s most popular team, both in like and dislike. It costs a lot of money for the privilege to broadcast their games. So how does a radio station afford it? Answer: By shoving as many in-game commercial into t! heir broadcast as they can. It’s non-stop and makes the game unlistenable. I first noticed this years ago when the Yankees were on WABC. Things haven’t changed now that they’re on WCBS.
Typical Yankee game on WCBS.
Announcer John Sterling: “That’s in there for strike one.”
Announcer Suzyn Waldman: “And if a rock strikes your head, Johnson and Johnson Band-Aids are just the thing. Johnson and Johnson Band-aids, for when a rock strikes your head.”
Annnouncer John Sterling: “Outside, ball one.”
Announcer Suzyn Waldman: “Are the balls of you feet killing you? Try Dr. Scholl’s foot soles. Dr. Scholl’s foot soles, for when the balls of your feet are killing you.”
Announcer John Sterling: “There’s a hit into the corner. Derek Jeter to second base with a standup double.”
Announcer Suzyn Waldman: “And if you want to double your pleasure, try Doublemint Gum. Doublemint Gum, for when you want to double your pleasure.”

And on and on and on and on and on.

I mistakenly stopped clicking my remote the other night and watched a bit of the Primetime Live segment with the American Idol contestant Corey Clark. This whole thing is a big “who cares” and the media is covering this nonsense as if it’s pre-9/11. And the way Primetime Live’s John Quinones was asking this Corey kid questions, you would think we were in color code Red. The whole story should have been done with tongue in cheek and a wink; certainly not the gravity it was given. If America can’t handle the doings of Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Randy Jackson, then just bring back Ted Mack and be done with it. Thank you.

OUCH! I just twisted my ankle jumping off my soap box.

I picture Randy Jackson saying to Paula: “You took that contestant and made it your own. Great job!”

Happy Birthday, Willie Mays.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 6, 1997: The Hartford Whalers become the Carolina Hurricanes