STUMP THE BAND – it’s America’s fastest growing music sensation, Stump the Band.

Paul Shaffer must have gotten the wrong memo because he’s prepared to play Carnac.  Paul holds an envelope up to his forehead and tells the answer to the question enclosed inside the envelope.

PAUL: “Fertilizer and the New York Knicks.”
Question: “Name 2 things that stink up the Garden.”

Chad sells Real Estate in the San Francisco area.  Dave’s eyes widen, “Wow, you must be making money hand over fist.”   OK, people, it’s a phrase we’ve heard forever, “making money hand over fist,” but what does that mean?    And if you e-mail me how and where the phrase originated, please include what you thought before you looked it up.   Having Google a simple click away takes away a lot of the fun.

Chad’s song: “Winnamuca” – Paul says he knows that song and sings “Winnamuca” to the tune of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by The Tokens.  

Sorry, Paul, but that was not the right song.   Chad’s song goes something like, “Winnamuca #17, Winnamuca #15, Winnamuca #9, Winnamuca #3, Winnamuca.”   I think we were all pleased that Chad edited his song.

#2. Cynthia Ridgeway
She’s retired and living in Seattle.   She used to work for a large telephone company.  I “Played the Dave” and said, “How big was that telephone?”   Dave responds with something similar about “big phones.”   I WIN!   Cynthia’s song is “Peeky, Seeky, Porcupine.”   An eager Will Lee raises his hand, pretending he knows the song.

Will: “Peeky Seeky Porcupine,
Hide and Seek and you may find
Cupid’s quill in your behind
Quill you be my Valentine
A Peeky Seeky Porcupine.”

At the end of Cynthia’s song, Vicki comes down with gifts from the LATE SHOW.   For the past few weeks, Vicki’s been referring to Dave as “Mr. Carney.”    Dave asks, “Why do you call me Mr. Carney?”    Says Vicki, “Ever since I hit my head in the tub, I call everybody Mr. Carney.”

You can all stop e-mailing me now.

#3. Erin Hill of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
How is life in Sioux Falls?   Erin says Sioux Falls is not too bad but it’s not so good everywhere else.   What does Erin do?   She works as a phone banker, quickly adding, “I’m very important.”  She’s here in New York on a school trip.  What school?  South East Tech in Sioux Falls.  And what song does Erin have for us?   “Granny’s in the Cellar”

Al Chez raises his hand in recognition of the song and croons his version of “Granny’s in the Cellar.”

“Granny’s in the cellar
I know cause I can smell her
From about a half a mile away.
Someone forgot to tell her
Don’t turn the bath water yell’er
Cause if she do, Grandpa’s goin’ stay away.”

TELEMUNDO HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT – From Telemundo talk show, Laura, 4:00 PM weekdays here in New York on channel 47, a transvestite and his/her mother confront a brother who refuses to accept the transvestite.   We see a clip of an older woman beating a guy about the head.  The guy is held down by two other men.   The beating goes on for a rather long time.

IT’S NOT SO BAD WITH FUNNY MUSIC: 93 years ago tonight, the Titanic ran into an iceberg and sank 3 hours later.   It was one of the worst, if not THE worst maritime disaster in history.  That was the inspiration for this new Late Show segment, “It’s Not So Bad with Funny Music.”    We see an art card.  We hear ominous music.   We then quick cut to the sinking of the Titanic accompanied with funny music.   You know, the Titanic disaster doesn’t seem so bad when you see it with funny music.  

140 years today Lincoln was shot.  It’s too bad we didn’t have footage of that.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Accountant Doesn’t Give a Damn Anymore – and to perform tonight’s Top Ten, ten area accountants.
#10. Tells you to expect a refund in three weeks and an audit in five.
#6. He says, “I thought the 1040 was EZ until I met your wife.
#4. Whenever someone mentions a joint return, he whips out his special brownies.

ANTHONY LaPAGLIA: He stars in the CBS hit series, Without a Trace.  He’s also in the new film Winter Solstice.    And he recently had a hip replacement.   He seems young to have one of those but Anthony says it’s not so uncommon for those in their 40s to get a new hip.  Even those in their mid-20s sometimes need a replacement.   Anthony says he probably needed a new hip due to past injuries he sustained playing professional soccer back in Australia.  ! When you’re young and on a soccer team in Australia, you never want to complain about pain or an injury since you know there are dozens of guys just waiting to jump into your spot, so you learn to play with pain.   Over time, the cartilage in his hip deteriorated to near nothing, reducing the hop in his hip.   The surgery was a complete success and would recommend it to anyone who has the pain.  

His new film, Winter Solstice, is a small budget film “made for under a million dollars.”  They shot in the small town of Glen Ridge in New Jersey and would rent out rooms for the day from the neighbors to relax and rest during down time.   Anthony remembers lying in the bed of some 14-year-old looking up at the ceiling of a huge poster of X-Men.   And! just when he would be about to fall asleep, he would hear a tap on the door, “Mr. LaPaglia, can I get my skateboard?”  Dave correctly points out that it doesn’t matter what the budget is.  It’s the telling of a great story that makes a great movie.”

Winter Solstice – it’s in theaters now in New York and Los Angeles.  It goes nationwide next week.

ANA GASTEYER: You know her from her 6 years at Saturday Night Live playing roles such as Martha Stewart and Celine Dion.   Ana grew up in Washington DC, her father being a lobbyist of some sort.   She had a brush with greatness being the childhood friend of Amy Carter, the daughter of our . . .  39th President?   Let’s see, Bush Sr. was 41, Reagan was 40, Carter was 39.  Yup, 39th.   Ana and Amy had a lot in common; they both played the violin, both wore glasses, both were nerds.   Ana had a lazy eye in childhood and wore an eyepatch to compensate.  Ana calls herself the “violin-playing pirate.”   As Amy’s friend, she was invited to Camp David for a weekend.   Mrs. Carter suggested they practice the violin and prepare something for their guests that night.   So Amy and Ana practiced.   And later that night, they performed for the Carters, Anwar Sadat, and Menachem Begin.   Yikes!  Af terwards, Ana and Amy went back to the Sadat’s cabin and watched Star Wars.    The magnitude of the whole evening was lost on the little 9-year-old Ana, more interested in Princess Leia’s hair than the workings of the Middle East Peace Accord.

Ana’s new project is a Showtime movie/musical/remake of Reefer Madness.  It is based on the 1936 anti-marijuana film that taught of the dangers of the Mary Jane.   It became a cult-favorite among college kids in the 60s and 70s.   In the 1936, all the users of the weed eventually threw themselves out the window in a dazed craze.   In the Showtime musical, Ana beats her boyfriend to death with a hoe.   We see a bloody photo of Ana on the Reefer Madness set after the hoe scene.  She is walking hand-in-hand with her 3-year-old daughter.    She says it’s a! photo she’s sure her husband will use if there ever is a custody battle in the future.

Reefer Madness – premieres Saturday night on Showtime.

ACT 5: Coming up next, more of Dave’s Phony Phone Calls.  You won’t believe your ears.   Stay with us.

MARIAH CAREY: She’s sold 150 million albums.  Tonight, from her newest CD, The Emancipation of Mimi, Mariah performed “We Belong Together.”

And that was our show for Thursday April 14, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Congratulations to Micah White, also known as BallODisco, for the completion of his 600th “Bumpers” recap of the LATE SHOW.   You can read Micah’s Bumpers, Bloopers and Practical Jokes, or whatever he calls it, in the Letterman Newsgroup.  Just go to Google, click on Groups, type in Letterman and click, then click on alt.fan.letterman.   Looking for music played by Paul and the band during the show?   Mr. O.Disco will know the answer

I’m watching the replay of the Yankee/Red Sox game last night on the TV.  Yankee right fielder Gary Sheffield goes to play the ball rolling along the outfield fence when a Red Sox fan reaches over and appears to take a swing at Sheffield.  Sheffield quickly retaliates, throws the ball back into the infield, then approaches the fan to give him a what for.   It is soon broken up.   The fan was removed from the game but not charged.   This fan ! had a very good seat.   I wondered if it was a season ticket.  I imagine it might since Fenway is already sold out for the season.  I’m curious to see if that same fan is sitting in that seat for tonight’s Boston game vs. the Devil Rays.    

USELESS FUN FACTS
- The term “Flying on Cloud 9” originates from military flights.  Cloud types are classified as numbers . . .  cloud 9 being a very tall thunderstorm.   Jets have to climb to an extremely high altitude in order to fly over “cloud 9.”
-          An ostrich’s eyeball is bigger than its brain
-          women blink nearly twice as much as men
-          In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles
-          The longest chicken-flight was 13 seconds.
-          No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times if folded in half repeatedly
-          The first CD pressed in the United States was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”

Hey kids!   Don’t forget, on the Friday night news you’ll see the annual special on-the-spot LIVE segment covering the last second tax filers lined up at the post office near midnight.   Oh, those procrastinators!    I can’t wait for the witty banter between the on-the-scene reporter and the anchor person back at the studio.    Oh, what fun!

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
April 14, 1996 – The Detroit Red Wings set an NHL record with 62 victories in a season.