Hey, look at that. Dave's got waffles. What for? And hey, look at that. Dave's got some kind of slingshot. And what would anybody do if they had waffles and a slingshot? Of course, you got to give it a try! You slingshot the waffles! Dave's first attempt falls flat. The next 6 are met with great success. Dave enjoys the fun. I wonder if he got that for his birthday.

Time magazine released an issue saluting the 100 most influential people in the world. It was so well received that they've come out with another top 100, this issue entitled "The 100 Least Influential People in the World." On the cover is Ryan Seacrest, Ernie the Keebler elf, and Dave.

Dave reaches behind him and instead of using the slingshot, flings one of the waffles in the direction of the band. He tosses some more in various directions. Dave wonders aloud, "Who needs a slingshot?" Dave flings a bundle of waffles like a Frisbee. Somewhere his mother admonishes, "Now, David! Don't play with your food!"

SONY has come out with a new invention, one I don't seeing being a success. It's a TV set that can simulate smells to accompany the program. I "Played the Dave" and said, "If you already own one, right now your TV probably stinks." Dave didn't say it. I lost at "Play the Dave." SONY has released some footage of the prototype in action, and we see the clip.
We see a scene from a recent "The Apprentice." Donald Trump enters the room. The scene stops and the viewer is asked, "If you'd like to experience the smell of Donald Trump's hair, press the 'wet dogs button on your console now."

THE LATE SHOW REENACTMENT OF THE E! CHANNEL REENACTMENT OF THE MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL - we're jumping on the bandwagon. It's a hit on E! so we decided to do it here. The scrim rises. It's a courtroom scene.
#1. Here we see Michael's odd behavior rear its ugly head.
Bailiff: "Court is now in session."
Michael Jackson: (enters) "Jacko in the hizzy! Jacko in the hizzy! Jacko in the hizzy."
Judge: "Mr. Jackson, why are you late?"
Michael Jackson: "I got stuck on the Ferris wheel. Sue me --- am I right, people?"
Camera snap zoom, freeze on Jackson with a smile.
Alan announce: "This has been the Late Show Reenactment of the E! Channel Reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial."
Dave warns, "Oh, we're not done yet."

#2. In this next reenactment, we see a bizarre interruption to the court proceedings.
Judge: "It has come to my attention that some of the documents in question have . . . (phone rings)
Michael Jackson: "That's me." (puts cell phone to ear.) "Hello? . . . what? . . . . You're sick!" (hangs up) "Just got a call from Pat O'Brien. Now there's a nutcase you should go after. Come on, people. It's a joke! Just trying to keep things light in here!"
Camera snap zoom, freeze on Jackson with a smile.
Alan announce: "This has been the Late Show Reenactment of the E! Channel Reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial."

#3. In this reenactment, a surprise celebrity is called to the stand.
Prosecutor: "The prosecution calls Macaulay Culkin to the stand."
Culkin: (fat guy enters) "I ain't gonna answer nothing."
Judge: "Sir, if you don't you will be held in contempt."
Culkin: "You can't hold me in contempt. I'm adorable. Check it out!" (Culkin reenacts his famous "Home Alone" scream with hands to face.)
Camera snap zoom, freeze on Culkin. 2nd camera snap zoom, freeze on Michael Jackson reenacting Culkin's "Home Alone" pose.)
Alan announce: "This has been the Late Show Reenactment of the E! Channel Reenactment of the Michael Jackson trial."

Back from commercial, Dave says it happens every time. He looks at the name "Duchovny" and can't help but think of anchovies. Or was it vice versa?

Dave can't get enough of that "Blind Justice" on the ABC. We have a clip from a recent episode. We see the blind Detective Dunbar in a tense scene on the street. A man is about to kill himself or another. Dunbar tells him to drop the gun. With no choice, Dunbar fires his weapon, striking an innocent hot dog vendor trying to make a buck. Ooops. Seconds later, Dunbar is mowed down by a speeding taxi cab.

TOP TEN: Secrets to Winning the Miss USA Pageant.
Monday night, the Miss USA Pageant was held at the Hippodrome Theater in Baltimore, Maryland. The winner: Miss North Carolina, Chelsea Cooley. And here to present tonight's Top Ten list, the new Miss USA 2005, Chelsea Cooley. Miss USA enters and you can tell immediately, this ain't your father's beauty pageant. Va va va voom! There is no doubt that Miss USA is owned by Donald Trump. Yeah, Donald, way to go!
#10. Offer other girls Cheetos backstage to they have orange crap on their mouths.
#4. Visualize your future --- one year as Miss USA, ten years working boat shows.
#3. Ignore distracting phone calls from Pat O'Brien

At the completion of her reading the list, Dave flings some waffles in the direction of Miss USA 2005, Chelsea Cooley of North Carolina. She is game; catching a few and flinging them back. Dave is charmed by the spunky Miss USA and continues to flirt the only way he knows . . . . with waffles!

DAVID DUCHOVNY: He's the director, writer, and star of "House of D," opening in New York and Los Angeles this Friday.
David is one of those people who is in really good shape. I hate people like that. He's competed in 5 triathlons and a few mini-triathlons. A triathlon consists of swimming, biking, and the running a marathon. It's a grueling race and the next race he runs, he's considering a stunt double.

David Duchovny hosted the Late Late Show after Kilborn decided to go on permanent hiatus. How'd that go? Duchovny loved it, informing "All the jokes are written for you. Duchovny isn't sure if Dave has joke writers, but if he doesn't, he suggests he get some. They make things a whole lot easier. Dave scoffs at the suggestion. "Why do I need joke writers when I have waffles?!"

"House of D" is Duchovny's first directorial. As a director, you see things a whole lot different. The other night, he was watching co-star Robin Williams on our show. Duchovny lamented that Robin wasn't really plugging the movie. He says he was watching at home begging, "Say the name of the movie! Say the name of the movie! SAY IT! SAY IT!! Robin was on for three segments . . . . and he said the name of the movie once. And the name of the movie? "House of D."
Also in "House of D" is David Duchovny's wife. With little shame, David says she got the part the old fashioned, Hollywood way, wink wink, wink wink.

"House of D" - it opens Friday in New York and Los Angeles.

ALAN KALTER'S UP-CLOSE CELEBRITY INTERVIEW:
Alan: "Well, my guess tonight was David Duchovny. (uneasy chuckle) And there doesn't seem to be much point in continuing since he was just interviewed by you, you heartless bitch! That's right, I'm talking to you, DAVE! My people have been working on this booking for a damn month! Not like you care because you're dead inside. You sat there drooling all over him like a damn 16-year-old girl. 'Oooh, David, you're so great. Ohh, David, I love you. Oooh Paul, do you think David likes me?' You're making us all sick, Grandpa! I've had it you don't pay me enough to deal with this crap, you withered old 'givl.'"

ACT 5: It's the performers from the Late Show Reenactment of the E! Channel Reenactment of the Michael Jackson Trial taking a curtain call. So receptive is the audience, one member throws waffles in appreciation. Bravo, troupe!

RAY LaMONTAGNE: From his debut CD entitled, "Trouble," Ray LaMontagne performed "Forever My Friend."

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 13, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Mitch Albom, author of "The 5 People You Meet In Heaven," has written a new book entitled, "The 2 People I Did Not Meet At The NCAA Final Four."*
* denotes a joke written mostly for my own personal enjoyment.

Have you been watching the "American Idol"? This season they have two Rock and Rollers who are still in the compet . . . . I watch it because my 9-year-old daughters like it . . . . who are still in the competition. This is the first time Rock and Rollers have made it this far. Simon keeps touting these guys, Bo Bice and Constantine, in hopes the voters will follow his lead and vote them in for another week and then another week and then another week after that. But why would Simon want Rock and Rollers to last this far into the competition? Because he is trying to bring in the Rock and Roll audience. The easy-listening pop/standards fans are already locked in to "American Idol." These fans tune in to "Idol" every week. Simon is just trying to bring in another population sample to keep the rating numbers up, so he lauds and applauds Bo Bice and Constantine week after week. Who knows if I am right? This is just a theory I've developed to keep myself busy while worrying that my girls will eventually learn the dark, evil truth about Scott.

MONTY HALL: one more time.
Scenario 1
1. Final "Let's Make a Deal" contestant
2. He has 3 boxes to choose from. One box is the big prize.
3. Contestant makes selection (let's say Box A)
4. Monty reveals what is behind one of the other boxes, one that he knows is not the big prize (Box B)
5. Monty offers contestant to keep Box A or switch over to Box C.
6. Contestant SHOULD switch, which would increase his chance of winning from 33% to 66%.

For full explanation, see Wahoo Gazette from Thursday March 31.

Then I received an e-mail that challenged the above that made me re-think my thinking. I was still solid on the above, but the scenario posed made me ponder.

Scenario 2
From Wahoo reader Nelson Shirota of Torrance, California -

"Think about it this way: Suppose there are three players and three curtains.
Player A chooses 1, B chooses 2 and C is left with 3. If player A is eliminated, will B and C trading curtains increase both of their probabilities of success?"

In Scenario #1, the GIVEN is that the contestant would never be eliminated in the first round, in this case, BOX A.
In Scenario #2, there is no such GIVEN. And if you did make it a given, then it becomes Scenario #1.

But why even talk about this! Try it yourself. Get three playing cards, one being an ace. Shuffle the three cards. Place them in front of you. Yours is in the first position. Have a friend peek at the other two cards. Have him eliminate a non-ace card from position 2 or 3. He has one card left. Your friend will have the ace card 66% of the time. Try it. Try it many times.

Good night, Monty.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
April 13, 1997 - The Hartford Whalers play their last game.