After Dave’s last joke at the monologue, a guy comes out who appears to be an old friend of Dave’s.   He says,

“David, I was in town and I just wanted to drop by personally to say ‘Happy Birthday.’   (to the audience) This guy says he’s 58?  Does he look a day over 40 to you?

Happy Birthday, my friend.   Enjoy every minute cause when it goes, it goes.  Am I right?   (to Paul) See you at the party.”   Exits.

The City of New York is trying something new.   They’ve come up with fully-automated subway trains --- no conductors needed.   Dave is bewildered and wonders who ordered this.  He asks Paul, “Who ordered this?  Who is the Mayor of New York?”   Paul, answering almost before Dave has finished the question, ans! wers “Abe Beame.”   Big laugh from me.   Most any one else who had to name a former Mayor would have said Ed Koch.   Few would say Giuliani because most think he still is Mayor.  Anyway, we have a clip of today’s first fully-automated, conductor-free subway train.    

OUCH!   It’s a clip from a Bruce Willis movie, or maybe a Danny Glover or Tom Cruise movie.

Did you watch the Miss USA Pageant on NBC last night?  It was held at the Hippodrome Theater in Baltimore, Maryland and hosted by Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell.  We have a clip of the pageant in something we call, “Miss USA: Asking the Tough Questions.”

Billy Bush to Miss Kentucky: “You’re the proud owner of a cow.  How’s that going?”

And of course, today is Dave’s birthday and as we do each year, the staff prepared a little birthday message for our leader and good friend.   We see the clip.

Sheila Rogers, Talent Executive: “What can I say, Dave, you’re a real ‘sdd’-hole.”
Jay Johnson, Online Producer: “I hate you immensely.  You’re an annoying sack of ‘djoy.’”
Rupert Jee, owner of the Hello Deli: “Happy Birthday!  You truly are a stupid ‘givl.’”

And to finish up the ACT 1, the model wheel out a huge, expensive, and beautiful birthday cake to Dave.  It reads, “Happy Birthday, Dave.”   Stagehands quickly grabbed the nearest fork and waited for the commercial.

WHAT’S IN THE GREEN ROOM – It’s something new!  We find Biff outside the Greenroom.   He enters to find out “What’s In The Greenroom?”   We see a large suitcase.   We see it begin to unzipper.    From the inside emerges a lovely young woman.  Says Biff, “It’s a lady in a suitcase.   Crazy, man.”

TOP TEN: Good Things About Turning 58
#8. I’m now honorary junior “60 Minutes” correspondent
#6. The staff got me a subscription to large-print Penthouse
#5. Memory loss makes dated comedy material seem new and fresh.

MICKEY ROURKE: He’s a big hit in Sin City.   I’ve heard raves about his performance.  So where has he been?   Mickey says he dropped out of the business for awhile when the work stopped being fun.  He had lost the passion for the art.   Problems began when he started taking jobs just for the money.   There were times where he would ride his motorcycle to the set, slow down, then decide, “Naaaah, not today,” and drive off.    He’s a changed man now and back at work.   No coins in the pocket can do that to a guy.

Back in the 90s, Mickey tried his hand at boxing.   He dropped from a flabby and soft 195 to a mean and lean 166.   He won 11 fights over 4 years, finishing with a record of 11-0 with 2 draws.   Did the physical pain bother him?   Mickey seemed to enjoy it.   He admits to receiving more pain during training rather than in the actual fight.   Worried about permanent damage?   He says he was and says the boxer is always the last to know when he! ’s lost his capabilities.

We see 4 photos of Mickey’s bout against Steve “The Hammer” Powell back in 1992.   The photos were great, looking more like oil paintings than photographs.  

Mickey hung up the gloves when he failed a neurological exam and is thankful he found out when he did.

Mickey is also a lover of Chihuahua Terriers.   He tells of his last visit to the LATE SHOW back in 1994 when he brought along Loki.    He now has 7 Chihuahua Terriers.   He picked up one at Chihuahua Rescue in L.A.   Mickey took the most ferocious and vicious Chihuahua.   They tried to talk him out of it but he insisted.  After some bites to the lip and face, “Jaws” came to love Mickey and has become quite mellow over time. . . .  as has Mickey, it seems.

We see a clip of Mickey Rourke in the film, Sin City.   The more clips I see, the more intrigued I am about the film.   Very interesting.   Cool cinematography.

ALAN KALTER’S SALUTE TO SECRETARIES
Alan Kalter’s Salute to Secretary’s Day – Secretary’s Day is later this month and Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words.   It’s Alan Kalter’s Salute to Secretaries.

Alan: “Thanks, Dave.   I just want to take a minute to thank those hard-working girls who make Big Red’s day a little easier.  There’s Misty (photo of a young bikini-clad woman), whose fingers do a lot more than typing.

And Cindy (another beautiful, scantily clad woman) was that Wite-Out or whipped cream?!

Oh, Paula and Laura, don’t think I forgot you two or the naughty photocopies we’ve made.  Happy Secretary’s Day, girls!

Dave: “Alan, those women aren’t your secretaries.”

Alan: “No, but I do pay them.”

JASON RANDAL: He’s a magician.  He’s a mentalist.   He’s very entertaining.   I find these card magicians entertaining but frustrating.   When they start their trick, I’m like, “Yeah, do the trick, just be quiet about it.  Cut the chit chat.”  Then they pull my card out of an ATM machine and I end up getting angry.    How do they do that?   My logical mind can’t quite get a grasp.   Tonight, Jason had Dave pick a card from a deck, face side up.  Dave picked the 3 of diamonds.   Jason knew he would pick the 3 of Diamonds because on the back of the card, Jason had printed David Letterman’s name.  None of the other cards had Dave’s name on it.

My guess is all the cards had Dave’s name on it.   Jason was somehow able to not show us when showing us.

Then he held a book.   While riffling through the pages, Dave stopped him at one point.   When stopped, Jason asked Dave to tell him the word he was thinking of.   Dave said “furniture” and on the backside of a blue card, Jason had already had the word “furniture” written.   An amazed Dave says, “That’s amazing.”  A beaming and proud Jason responds, “I know!”  Somehow Jason was able to get Dave to think of the word he wanted him to.    Hear that knock knock knock?   That’s a bunch of politicians knocking down Jason’s door to have him work for them.

Jason then has Dave pick a card.  It’s the 7 of hearts.   He has Dave rip it up into a bunch of little pieces.   He instructs Dave to put one corner of the ripped 7 of hearts into his pocket.   Jason then has Dave grab a cake that Jason had baked earlier in the day.  Meanwhile, Dave crams the torn 7 of hearts into Jason’s palm.   The pieces disappear.   Jason has Dave cut the cake.   Dave cuts the cake and at that exact spot in the cake i! s hidden and intact 7 of hearts, with one piece missing.   The torn piece in Dave’s pocket fits the missing piece from the cake’s 7 of hearts exactly.

Dave thanks Jason for coming.   Jason quickly licks his icing-covered finger then shakes Dave’s hand.

I don’t know how Jason Randal does it, and I don’t think I want to.   I want to remain fascinatingly frustrated by the magic.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 12, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

So I’m Googling here and there looking for something to put on today’s script cover.   I scan a website for others who share Dave’s birthday.   I see that on April 12, 1923, Ann Miller was born.   She’s a famous dancer who most people my age can sort of remember.   For years I mistakenly thought she also played Josephine the Plumber in the Comet cleanser commercials.    No, it was not Ann Miller.   She was too big a star to play Josephine, but for years and years I thought it was her.   There is some resemblance.   And then I scanned further down the list of people born on April 12 and came across Jane Withers, an actress.   She was born April 12, 1927.  And what is she most famous for?  That’s right!   She played Josephine the Plumber!   I ain’t kidding you!  Ann Miller, a dancer who I thought played Josephine the Plumber and the actual Josephine the Plumber were born on the same day four years apart.  What are the odds of that!

I know, I know.  365 to 1.

Some of you may want to bop me over the head for this but I have to admit, I don’t get the group The Eagles.   Their music never did it for me.   Yeah, I know they have the biggest selling album of all time, but . . . . I’ve never been able to warm up to them.    I find them to be a lotta blah.

From yesterday’s Wahoo:

Watching the Pope’s funeral the other day, I noticed how pedestrian his casket was.    I said I wanted a simple casket when it was my turn.  Then I wondered if grave diggers and funeral directors re-use the really nice expensive caskets unbeknownst to the customer; i.e. pretend to bury a guy in it and then when the family leaves the cemetery, make the switch to a cheap one, reselling the expensive one.

 “I think you're somewhat right about the caskets.  I was recently at the funeral of an acquaintance and during the graveside ceremony I noticed that the elegant silver bars on the side of the elegant silver brocade covered casket were screwed in with regular old galvanized deck screws . . . . making them easy to remove once the onlookers leave.    And then keep re-using them?  I think so.”

I was looking at the Major League Baseball schedule the other day.   HEY, YOU!  GET BACK HERE!    This isn’t about baseball . . .  it’s more about marketing, so don’t roll your eyes thinking here I go again droning on about baseball.  

Baseball is a long season.    Starts in early April, ends for most teams at the end of September.   Friday night games get good attendance across the country, as does Saturday.  Sunday games seem to get the best attendance of the week.   Every team plays every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.   And then there are the three summer holidays; Memorial Day, 4th of July; and Labor Day.  Traditionally, these have been big pay days for the team owners as attendance at the stadium soar on these holidays.  But for some reason over the years, I’ve noticed that there is not a full slate of games on these days anymore.   I thought this to be ridiculous!    If I owned a team, I would demand my team to play on Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor Day.   Yes, I know there is something in the players’ contract that they can’t play a certain number of days in a row, which may explain why they need an off day on one of those 3 days, but I would finagle the schedule to make sure my team is on the field for those 3 days.   When making the schedule, I would start with the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday series.   And then I would fill in the 3 major summer holidays.  And then! I would work out from there.    The weekends and the holidays would be the first thing I would fill in.  And wait till New Yorkers realize that neither the Yankees nor the Mets are playing this Memorial Day.   They’ll flip!  And why aren’t Steinbrenner and Wilpon stamping their feet and pounding their fists demanding their team to play on Memorial Day?   Some of the biggest crowds in baseball history have been played on Memorial Day.

Here are the teams not playing on these three summer holidays:

Memorial Day, May 30: NY Yankees, Cleveland Indians, Detroit Tigers, KC Royals, Minnesota Twins, and Texas Rangers.   In the National League; the NY Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Arizona Diamondbacks, and the San Francisco Giants.

4th of July: the Toronto Blue Jays and the Oakland A’s.

Labor Day: September 5th: Boston Red Sox, NY Yankees, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Chicago White Sox, Kansas City Royals, and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

And in the National League; the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Colorado Rockies and the San Diego Padres.

Teams desperate for revenue, such as the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Oakland A’s, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Kansas City Royals should be ballistic!   The Kansas City Royals don’t play on 2 of these days!    Nor do the Arizona Diamondbacks!    They are both in dire need of cash!  They need people in their stadium!  And yet they don’t play on Memorial Day and Labor Day?!   Does any of this make any sense?   Oh, man, if only baseball has a commissioner!

P.S. The 2005 schedule came out in July of 2004.