Dave opens with a note about the legal situation he and his family went through over the weekend.   He thanks particular members of the FBI and the local police department, and especially thanks the people of the Montana locale for always making him and his family feel so at home in Big Sky Country.

PAT FARMER – All night long Pat will be attempting to duplicate his Basketball Hall of Fame shot from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater into a basketball hoop 90 feet below.   Back on March 14, 2001, Pat first attempted this feat and achieved legend status when he made the shot on his second attempt.   He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts two months later and I believe the display still stands at the Hall.   Tonight Pat will attempt to do the impossible again, which is never a good idea.   The weather conditions for tonight’s attempt:
Temperature: 48 degrees
Humidity: 58%
Barometric Pressure: steady at 29.95 inches
Wind: from the Northwest at 8 mph
Visibility: 10 miles
Sunrise: 5:48 AM
Sunset: 6:09 PM
High Tide: 5:51 PM
Low Tide: 11:42 PM
Moon: Nearly full

Can Pat do it again?   Pat takes his first shot . . .  no good.    He tries again . . . .  and again, no good.   How about a third try?    Pat drops the basketball and it . . . . hits the back of the rim, bounces high in the air and against the wall of the Ed Sullivan Theater, and then back towards the basket off the backboard.     Oh, darn.  That shot would have outdid Pat’s Hall of Fame shot.!    We’ll try again later.

Back to the FBI, Dave asks them, “So, what do you do, rubber hose a guy like that?”   The FBI guy says, “When he falls asleep, we wake him up and feed them a baloney sandwich.”   Somehow that works?

Did you watch the congressional hearings last week about the steroid use in Major League baseball?   Things turned ugly.   We see a clip of what Dave was talking about.   We see a pol droning a question to the panel of baseball players.  We cut to see one of them take offense, morphing into the might Incredible Hulk.   The Hulk turns the courtroom upside down as those in attendance scamper to safety.  

Back to Pat Farmer.   What’s the problem?   Pat says he has to do with the height.   He tries again to make a basket from the roof . . . .  and he misses.   Dave suggests that Pat simply let the ball roll off the side of the ledge.   Pat tries that and again, no good.   At this point I’m thinking Pat is shooting like Syracuse vs. Vermont.

GEORGE W. BUSH TALKS DIRTY: from a  February 8th speech in Detroit: “I’ve never seen one that long.”

Dave takes a moment and says, “Another thing I’ll never get tired of . . .  seeing my house on TV while I’m sitting inside my house watching it on TV.”

More Pat.   More misses.   Pat tries shooting with one hand.   Nope.  No good.   Dave asks, “Pat, are you on steroids?”    We’ll come back again later.

We have something new from Alan Kalter tonight.  Alan?

Alan: “That’s right, Dave.  I’m pleased to debut a new segment entitled, ‘Are You Givl-ing Kidding Me?’ Today’s segment is torn straight from the headlines.   Take a look at this clip.”
Roll vt of Robert Blake being found not guilty.   Back to Alan.
Alan: (zoom) “Are you givl-ing kidding me?  . . . .  Back to you, Dave.”

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS CONGRESS FORGOT TO ASK BASEBALL PLAYERS
Last week there was a Congressional Hearing into the use of illegal steroids in Major League Baseball.  
#10. “Who does Pete Rose have in his NCAA pool?”
#6. “Mr. Palmeiro, are you more embarrassed by the steroid scandal or those Viagra commercials?”
#2. “We should have invited David Wells --- at least he’d bring beer.”

More with Pat Farmer.  Since he’s having no luck making a basket, Pat is asked to throw a basketball across the street onto the roof top of Roseland.    Remember, safety first.    Pat heaves the basketball as far as he can.   We follow it as it makes it onto the roof of Roseland.   Good shot, Pat.    But can he make a basket 90 feet below?   Pat tries again.   No good.  It’s ! a little to the right.

SANDRA BULLOCK: It’s been awhile since the lovely Sandra has been on the program.  Where’s she been?   Sandra’s been busy producing The George Lopez Show.  She has made a few appearances as Accidental Amy.   She says she was a natural for the role.   And she’s taken up running, participating and finishing a 10K not too long ago.   10K is about 6 miles.   She finished, then she finished.   She finished the 10K race, then she decided to! finish running.   She quit after that.   And she’s been busy having a house constructed.   Unfortunately, she had a shady contractor who made the project a living nightmare.  After 5 years she still hasn’t been able to move in.  And she’s been spending time with the motorcycle guy, Jesse James.   Or so Dave’s heard.   Is she seeing Mr. James?    Sandra isn’t saying much.   That’s OK, though, since Dave fills in the blanks with his assumptions.     

Sandra is starring in a new film, entitled Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous – it opens this Thursday instead of the customary Friday.   I guess she didn’t want to compete with Christ.

ACT 5: It’s time to announce the winner of the “I Want Jose Canseco to Stick Me In The Ass Contest.”
The winner is Tim Ziegler of Branford, Connecticut.
Tim wins an afternoon at Jose’s favorite gym where they will work out.
And then Jose Canseco will stick Tim in the ass with a syringe.
Remember, you’ve got to be in it to win it!
Congratulations, Tim.   You’re the winner of the “I Want Jose Canseco To Stick Me In The Ass Contest.”    Keep it real.

GWEN STEFANI:   From her very successful debut solo CD Love, Angel, Music, Baby, Gwen performed “Holla Back Girl.”    Nice entrance with a high school marching band.   I hate myself when I like songs like this but I really liked this catchy, rhythmic cadence of a song.  But then, maybe it was the tuba.

To close up the show, Pat Farmer empties his bin o’ balls.   None make it through the hooped goal.

Oh, and before we say goodnight, Dave states the obvious.  Gwen Stefani?   “She has tremendous legs.”

And that was our show for Monday, March 21st, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

HEY!  I won $100,000 this weekend!   Yup, me and thousands of other New Yorkers.    The New York Daily News has been running a scratch-and-match rub-off lottery game for the past month or so.   The game consists of numbers 1-15.  Each day, the newspaper instructs you to rub off 8 of those numbers.  Underneath the scratch-off is a dollar amount between $25 and $100,000.   If you rub off three of the same amount, you win that total.  So Saturday, the New York Daily News told to rub off numbers 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, 13, and 15.   Underneath my numbers 5, 10, and 13 was the dollar amount of $100,000.   I won $100,000!   And then on Sunday, the Daily News said “Ooops.”   Instead of telling us to rub off #13, the Daily News says they should have instructed us to rub off #12.   So, no, I didn’t win $100,000.   The Daily News reports they received 3,000 excited phone calls on Saturday to announce they had the winning $100,000 ticket.   Then on Sunday they reported they received 3,000 excited phone calls from lawyers.

Have you been watching the March Madness on CBS?   I have off and on, but they CBS must be doing a good job because not once did I find myself screaming, “Show us the game!  Show us the game!”    This tells me the cameras are staying on the basketball instead of the crowd, coach, bench, and cheerleaders.  

I know this is a week late so you can doubt me all you want, and I wouldn’t blame you if you did, but I watched a few minutes of North Carolina State in the ACC Conference semi-finals back in early March and was immediately impressed with Julius Hodge.   He looked long and gangly AND he was their point guard, or at least he was the guy bringing up the ball during the time I watched.   Now after the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament, he’s big news as the Wolfpack made it into the Sweet 16 by defeating defending champions, UConn.      Julius Hodge, he’s my guy to watch the rest of the way.

This too is a bit late, but I listened to many staffers talking about their bracket picks last week before the Tournament started.   I let them go on and on about why they picked who they picked.   They all sounded quite confident and assured in their knowledge leading into the March Madness.   After their spew, I asked them to name 2 players in the entire NCAA Division 1 basketball tournament.    Few could name one.  Most could name none.   No one could name two.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
March 21, 1994 – Wayne Gretzky ties Gordie Howe’s NHL record of 801 goals.