LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
1. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld appeared on many talk shows this week. We have a highlight from his appearance in “Face the Nation.” We call it “Donald Rumsfeld: Protecting Our Nation.”
- We see him responding to a question. Our Secretary of Defense alibis, “I’m not in the intelligence business.”
2. The NFL was relieved there was no Janet Jackson-type incident during the Super Bowl. Commissioner Paul Tagliabue recorded this message as a heartfelt thank you. We see a clip. What? Wrong tape to this intro? Well, let’s try it again. Dave repeats the intro. This time we have the right clip.
Following the message, the commissioner reveals that he is naked from the waist down. He hopes that satisfies those who look forward to Janet Jackson-type incidents.
3. Valentine’s Day is in the air, and so brings romance. Take a look at what Dave saw last night on his way home. We see a guy buying a newspaper from a vendor. At the end of the transaction, they kiss.
4. Did you hear about the Taster’s Choice guy who sued the company for $15 million for using his likeness on their coffee jars? Well, Dave may have a similar complaint. He holds up a box of Cialis. Right there, unmistakably, is Dave’s face right on the box. (And that is supposed to promote sales?)
5. NBC announced next season they’ll be doing a spin-off of “The Apprentice” featuring Martha Stewart. It seems interesting. Dave shows a clip. We see a clip of “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” – it’s your typical women’s prison movie with a bunch of fighting, biting, and hair-pulling.
6. It’s George W. Bush Iraqi Update – We see our President elected by the majority in an interview, “You know, umm, and so, uhh . . . . you know, look . . . I ; . . the notion that . . . . . uhhh . . . . . you know somehow . . . .” Ah, forget it.
7. The Grammy Awards are Sunday night on CBS. Our announcer Alan Kalter has a preview.

Alan: “Dave, with apologies to U2 who scored big with ‘Vertigo’ and Green Day’s smash ‘American Idiot,’ the song that’s gonna sweep the Grammy’s Sunday night is the tune that everybody’s been singing this past year. That song, of course, Tone Loc’s ‘Wild Thing.’ Hit it, Paul.”

And that was our Week in Review.

Back from commercial, Dave confesses that the mistake earlier in the program was HIS mistake and not that of the Production Department. Being the stand-up guy that he is, he accepts full blame and apologizes for all the mean and nasty things he was thinking.

WILL IT FLOAT: Tonight’s item: a 5-pound Hershey Chocolate Bar. And what are we playing for? A dining room set! Broyhill?
Paul says the 5-pound Hershey Chocolate Bar will sink Dave says it will float. The girls drop the items and it . . . . . . SINKS!

TOP TEN: Signs You’re In a Bad Relationship – and here to present tonight’s Top Ten List, ten area divorce attorneys.
#9. You share the same prison cell.
#6. You sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms, in separate houses, in separate states.
(Hey, I just had a bit of the déjà vu)
#4. She watches Desperate Housewives for ideas on how to cheat.

When we do one of these Top Tens, the participants are told not to speak until cued by the stage manager and not to leave until cued by the stage manager. Of course, this is easier said than done. It sounds easy, but when you have to do it LIVE in front of an audience in a very stressful situation, you quickly learn it is not so easy. Tonight, many of the lawyers left too early. They are cued to go back to the line once the camera goes back on Dave. They quickly return to the line and the next person quickly steps in. The director will hold off going back to the participant until they are at the mark. Tonight, most of the attorneys returned to the line immediately after delivering their top ten item. We tried to tell them they had to wait for a cue, but have you ever tried to tell a lawyer what to do? Anyway, we did some over after the show to make it all pretty.

PARIS HILTON: She’s in the FOX program, The Simple Life: Interns. She hosted Saturday Night Live last week and ran into some problems when Joey Buttafouco was booked to do the open with Paris. Paris knew nothing about it Rumor has it she ran into her dressing room during the Friday night rehearsal and refused to go on until Buttafouco was written out.

(Heck, there’s your show right there. Just go back to the dressing room every ten minutes and see if she’s changed her mind. Of course, I know none of this to be fact. It’s just something I heard.)

Paris has a lot going on right now. She has a movie, House of Wax. It’s a thriller. I’m betting it’s actually “House of Whacks.” She has an album, a book, a jewelry line, and she has a perfume. Is she dating? Going out? She says she doesn’t go out all that much anymore and is changing what she is looking for in a guy. It used to be all about looks. Now it’s about being sweet and loyal. All you sweet, loyal, fat guys out there, don’t kid yourself. You still don’t have a chance. Dave looks at Paris and himself in the monitor. Dave considers them as “Hot!”

Paris also is the spokesperson for a new product sold only on television called, “Hollywood Prescriptives Lip Treatment.” It’s an ointment/gel/balm/salve you put on your lips to make them bigger. And we all know how important that is! While she is looking for the sweet and loyal, most guys are looking for the sweet and loyal with big lips. Dave has some of the Hollywood Prescriptives Lip Treatment. He opens the stuff, sniffs, dabs his finger in it . . . . and eats it! And he eats some more of it! Oh, that Dave!

ACT 5:
“Celebrities Not Celebrating Birthdays Include:
Singer Patti Labelle.
Not turning 49 today, funny man Bob Saget.
And not blowing out 441 candles, astronomer and physicist Galileo.
This has been Celebrities Not Celebrating Birthdays. Tell your friends.”

BILL BURR: I found him very funny. And probably half the audience did, too. He covered many of the difference between men and women, zeroing in on how men are right and women are wrong. You can see more of Bill Burr at the Improv Comedy Club in Miami, Florida March 4th through the 6th. And that was our show for Friday February 11, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

“The Gates” in Central Park. It cost the artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude $21 million to erect their curtained art. $21 million? Where’d the buy the curtains, Ethan Allen?

Hey! Get off Giambi’s back. He was only trying to make himself better.

From Wayne Chow of Toronto, Ontario regarding the missing apostrophe in Chris Steak House:

”Chris Steak House” - the apostrophe got lost over the years... “I just discovered that this is an incorrect usage of the possessive apostrophe since Chris is singular and so should be Chris's... I would have sworn I was taught to leave out the possessive s even for singular nouns...”

“According to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style: ‘Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding 's, as in ‘Burns's poems’, with the exception of ancient proper names ending in -es or -is, or the possessive Jesus'.
There you have it, at least from one authoritative source.”

From Mary Perkins of Cincinnati, Ohio:

“Regarding the use of the apostrophe s (as in Chris's), the VERY FIRST rule in The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. is, ‘Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding 's. Follow this rule whatever the final consonant, as in Charles's friend, Burns's poems,...’ So if the steakhouse belonged to Chris, it should correctly be Chris's Steakhouse, which would then become Ruth's Chris's Steakhouse. Since you reach so many readers with the Wahoo Gazette, this is your chance to help millions learn the correct use of the singular possessive.”

My Trip To The DMV to renew my license: I had to do it in person this morning since my license claims I need corrective lenses. I’ve since had the surgery and can now have it erased from my record. I went to the DMV on 33rd Street here in Manhattan, expecting the worst but hoping for just “bad.” I have a copy of my license, a blank check, my DMV papers and additional I.D. I’m sure they’ll tell me I forgot something. Nonetheless, I’m moving forward. I’ll be back when I’m back with a full report. Hopefully, it won’t be too painful.

. . . . . One hour later. . . .

OK, I’m back from the DMV. It’s located on 33rd Street, 20 blocks south of here. I took the walk. Found it right where it was supposed to be. Took the elevator to the 8th floor. Waited on a line for 10 minutes and got a number – F-667. I looked up at the board and saw they were on F-631. Hmmm. 36 people ahead of me. That’s a lot. But there were a lot of windows. Maybe I’ll stay. I sat down and waited. I soon realized that my number was prefaced with an F. Also waiting were people with numbers prefaced with A, B, C, D, and E. If I was 36 behind just the F people, altogether there must be 36 X 6 people ahead of me. . . . like 216 ahead of me. I waited another ten minutes in a daze. In that ten minutes, the F numbers went up one tick. I got up, crumpled my number, and left. I laughed at my naïve hope that this would be easy. There is an express license renewal location nearby but it is closed on Fridays. There is one back home but that too is closed on Fridays. And the reason for that is . . . . ?

And then when I got back to the office, I read in the newspaper, “The House yesterday voted to toughen border security and keep driver's licenses out of the hands of illegal immigrants.” Gee, I hope so! Imagine how many people would have been ahead of me if illegal immigrants were also allowed driver’s licenses!

So what did I learn during my 20-block walk back and forth through Manhattan’s Times Square? Dang it, I wish I went into the scaffolding business. Either the entire city is being torn down or being built up. Every building has something going on, each with scaffolding up and down the front and side. If I went into scaffolding, I’d be a rich!

Another thing I learned: People in Times Square will take a photograph of anything. I saw one guy taking a picture of a stopped, unoccupied ambulance. Another guy was taking a photo of a sign which read, “We Are Open.” Another person was taking a photo of the traffic. One thing about taking a photo of Manhattan traffic; there’s no need to use the motion option.

I’ll be making another attempt at the DMV next week.

And speaking of scaffolding, work on St. John the Divine on 112th Street is progressing nicely. Should be ready by never.