It's the fastest growing quiz sensation, it's Know Your Current Events. Tonight's categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Celebrity Fragrances
Know Your Olive Garden Appetizers
Know Your Obscure Grammy Nominees
Know Your Nail Guns

Dave makes his way into the audience and taps a gentleman on the shoulder. The guy took this as an invitation to play and so he stood up. Uhhh, but it wasn't really an invite. And like so many situations like this, Dave figured it was easier to let the invited guy stay than to send him home. He becomes contestant #1.
CONTESTANT #1 - Paul, from Tampa. An excited Dave quickly deflates when he realizes he knows little about Tampa. Finding nothing there in his bank, Dave asks what he does for a living. Paul works in gourmet foods. And what is America's favorite gourmet food? Paul says, "Provolone Cheese." Ah, yes. Dave hypes his favorite gourmet food: the aerosol cheese.
Dave calls the guy Paul, then asks, "Is you name Paul?" Paul said Dave was right, it is Paul. Dave, reacting a bit like Deborah Lynn from the day before, brightens to learn he got it right. "That never happened before!" he exclaims.
Paul, the gourmet food guy, selects Know Your Cuts of Meat. Paul is here with his wife, Tracy. Dave leans over and greets her and says to Paul, "She smells like provolone cheese. . . . in a good way, of course."
Paul does fabulous in Know Your Cuts of Meat, getting both Veal Shoulder Arm Roast and the Livers correct. Monty/Vicki comes down the aisle with Paul's winnings. Dave and she exchange greetings of Mr. and Mrs. Carney. Or perhaps Monty was speaking to Paul when she said Mr. Carney. What is all this about? I don't know. I won't ask, either. It's more fun to play and try to figure it out on my own.

CONTESTANT #2: Clay, from Memphis. Memphis is the birthplace of Elvis. Been to Graceland? Once. What does Clay do in Memphis? He's a CPA. Oooh, his busy season is coming up. When it comes to working on the taxes of big companies, has he ever done a bit of the skimming off the top? Clay laughs and says an unconvincing, "No." What does Clay want to play? Clay says his wife decided on Know Your Celebrity Fragrances.
#1. "Britney Spears' fragrance "Curious" contains a hint of this."
Answer: "Vanilla-infused musk"
Amazing. It's amazing how a CPA from Memphis would know this.
#2. "Jennifer Lopez's fragrance captures this."
Answer: "The essence of J.Lo herself."

CONTESTANT #3: Katie, from Dover, Delaware - she's either a Wellness Specialist or a Walnut Specialist. We learn that Delaware is a tax-free state. If Delaware weren't the first state, I think that would be on the back of their state quarter: "We're Tax Free!" What does Kate want to play? She picks "Know Your Olive Garden Appetizers." During the category introduction by Paul and the Band, she whispers to Dave that she used to work at the Olive Garden. Fearing one of those game show controversies that could put us out of business, Dave quickly stops the proceedings and has Katie pick another category. This time she picks Know Your Nail Guns.
#1. "What Howard Hughes associate invented the nail gun?"
Answer: "Morris Pynoos."
#2. "What precaution should you take when using a pneumatic nail gun with an air hose more than half an inch in diameter?"
Answer: "Install a safety excess flow valve at the source of the air supply."

And that was Know Your Current Events for tonight.

By the way . . . I had some of the Lobel meat a few weeks ago. Mmmmm, if I were a vegetarian, it would turn me. It's that good.

Billboarding the show, Dave explains the deal with Patrick Lawler. This guy had a nail gun accident and unknowingly shot a 4-inch nail into his skull and then walked around with it for 6 days before it was discovered. The same thing happened to Dave one time. He got a 4-inch nail embedded into his head . . . . and he was using a hammer!

TOP TEN: Possible Titles For the Donald Trump Movie - ABC has announced plans for a television biopic based on the life of Donald Trump.
#10. "The Incredible Hump"
#9. "Titanic Ego"
#8. "The Man Who Would Be Creepy"
#7. "Sideways - Then Down the Forehead, Them Combed Back"
#6. "Raging Bull-djoy"
#5. "Spongedon SquareTrump"
#4. "Psycho"
#3. "The Color of Alimony"
#2. "Dr. Strangehair"
#1. "A Streetcar Named You're Fired."

BILLY CRYSTAL: His "700 Sundays is doing boffo business at the Broadhurst Theater at 235 West 44th Street. Nothing but great talk and buzz about the show. He does 7 shows a week; 2 on Wednesday, 2 on Saturday. With my luck, if I went I would get the understudy. Billy calls working on the show the greatest fun and the greatest time he's ever had in show business. There's nothing like working in front of a live audience. And how about those cell phones!? More than once he's heard the phone chimes to the Godfather theme coming from the audience right in the middle of a dramatic scene. And of course, that is followed with, in hushed tones, "I can't talk right now. Billy Crystal is doing his show. Right. Yeah, I'll call you back."
And the coughing! So much coughing in the New York audience. And it's not like a polite theater cough. No, people come to the theater with their "at home" cough; loud, long, phlegmy, hacking, strong. Nothing delicate about it.
Lots of family and friends have come to the show. They really like seeing themselves up on stage, either being portrayed by an actor or in the home movies Billy shows. His family sounds quite funny. He tells a story of his Aunt Sheila on the phone. She says, "I went to see a movie, 'The Passion of the You-Know-Who.' I was outraged! No, not about the movie . . . about the popcorn! $7? They'll probably blame that on us, too!" 7 shows a week is quite the work load. Paul Shaffer jumps in and suggests how Billy can do it. "He takes pills." Huh? Both Dave and Billy look for some clarification. Pills? Paul laughs it off, saying it's all a joke. Pills?
Speaking of pills, what does Billy think of the steroid use in baseball? Billy says it should have been obvious to everyone that steroid use was out of control when the ballplayers started "reading by the light of their own gonads." I was shocked by this revelation. Baseball players read?
Billy then talks of his time on Saturday Night with Howard Cosell. It was shot in this very theater. Dave has a photo of the marquee with Billy's name up there, along with Senator Ted Kennedy. Billy says it was a fun show, with people from all walks of life being brought together. Billy calls Howard "one of the greatest strange people of all time." I find that a very good description.
Billy then tells of the thrill of being on Johnny Carson for the very first time. Billy tried to make the small talk with Johnny during the commercial break with, "So, how's it going?" Johnny just laughed and laughed at the weak attempt at conversation.
Billy says one of the biggest thrills he ever had was a congratulatory phone call from Johnny after hosting the Academy Awards.
Billy is also promoting 2 CD, "The Milt Gabler Story" and "Billy Remembers Billie." Milt Gabler was a very influential music producer who happened to be Billy's uncle. The CD consists of 26 songs he helped produce that changed the course of music. Billy reads some of the artists and songs on the CD and it sounds like a "must get." The other CD is the very best of Billie Holiday, who was a close family friend. Come to think of it, that's a good get as well. They'll both be available in stores soon. In the meantime, I'll be rummaging around the offices looking for a copy.

I was hoping Dave would have asked Billy, "Have you ever done anything like shooting a 4-inch nail into your skull by accident?" Billy would have then answered, "I hate when that happens." He would then go into his Willie character in the Saturday Night Live bit.

PATRICK LAWLER: He's the construction worker who unknowingly shot a 4-inch nail into his skull. It remained there for 6 days. Mr. Shaffer, the wise one, played him on to a song from "Nine Inch Nails." Patrick, a veteran house builder and familiar with a nail gun for 5 and a half years, was working on an interior wall back on January 6th when the nail gun hit a hard spot. The gun would usually recoil a few inches, but this time it jerked back real hard and hit him right in the face. He blacked out for a second and when he came to, found his mouth was full of blood. His teeth had smashed through the bottom of his lip. He figured this explained all the blood. It felt like he was in fight but that was all. He then packed up and went home for the day. His wife is a dental assistant and she was afraid he may have broken his jaw or some teeth so she took him to the dentist to have a look-see. Everything looked fine. He took some ibuprofen and went home. The accident took place on a Thursday and he Patrick took Friday off as well as his scheduled Saturday and Sunday. He started feeling better by Monday but still had some double vision. He took Monday and Tuesday off. Wednesday he was all set to go to work when he suddenly lost vision in his right eye. Instead of work, he went to an eye doctor. The tests showed nothing and the doctor figured the vision problem was based on the swelling from the accident. His wife was still not satisfied and so she took him for another x-ray. There they did a scan and that's where they saw the nail. Patrick didn't believe it at first but when shown the photo, he sort of freaked out. He thought they were playing a joke.
Removing a nail from a skull is a lot harder than putting one in. Specialists were called in since the nail was so close to the brain and eye. After a 5-hour surgery, the nail was finally removed. Dave shows the x-rays and the actual nail from the ordeal. He's almost back to 100%. As for home construction, he'll leave that up to others.

ACT 5: "All right, America, time to put on your 3-D glasses! Here's Late Show film coordinator Rick Scheckman in 3 dimensions! Wow! It's like you can reach out and touch him! Now take off your glasses and go back to your miserable lives! We'll be right back.

And that was our show for Thursday, February 10, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

On Friday's episode of "Hope & Faith" or "Faith & Hope" Paul Shaffer will be making a guest appearance. Paul will be playing himself as a host of a fashion show. That's Friday night at 9:00 on ABC. Watch it, but don't forget to tape "JAG" on CBS.

I think this is true but I'm not 100% sure. "Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell" was on when "Saturday Night Live" debuted. This is why at the top of every SNL episode, you'll here "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" and not "It's Saturday Night Live!"

This Saturday in Central Park, "The Gates" will be unveiled. Artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude have erected miles and miles of curtained "gates" along the Park's pathways. The curtains are saffron in color, a color nobody heard of before this week. It has cost the artists $21 million to create. The City is expecting $80 million from tourists during the 16 days of "The Gates." $80 million? Good grief. I would love to see the break down of this estimate. And who is this guy who made the estimate? $80 million?

I had more responses and requests for the Aishwarya Rai appearances than anyone since Nelly McKay. I guess she really is big.

Ruth's Chris Steak House:
I wrote: "Why did he call it Chris Steak House? I wouldn't call my place, "Mike Steak House." I would call it "Mike's Steak House." Why didn't Chris name his steak house with the possessive?"

From Wayne Chow of Toronto, Ontario

"Maybe he did, as in Chris' Steak House, but the apostrophe got lost over the years... I just discovered that this is an incorrect usage of the possessive apostrophe since Chris is singular and so should be Chris's... I would have sworn I was taught to leave out the possessive s even for singular nouns..."

I finished this Wahoo Gazette Friday morning. Before typing up Friday's, I'm going to the DMV to renew my license. How that goes will be reported in tomorrow's Wahoo . . . . . . that is, if I'm back by tomorrow.

The Wahoo Gazette: Still commercial-free!