Kirstie Alley is on tonight, who will be starring in the Showtime Fat Actress debuting March 7th. Dave says everyone has been making jokes about Kirstie Alley’s weight and he wanted to get in on the action as well. Fatness is great fodder for comedy, along with baldness. Most other physical “detriments” are out of bounds, so get your fat and bald jokes in while you can.

We have something exciting tonight. We are going to play, “Would You Like To Ride On A Dog Sled."

The local weathermen were beating themselves in ecstasy Monday night forecasting the Blizzard of 2005, calling for 7 to 10 feet of snow. Thinking ahead, we ordered a dogsled team for Tuesday’s show. Well, the Blizzard of ’05 turned out to be nothing more than 8 minutes of drizzle. Too bad. What to do with the dogsled without snow? Well, since it’s already paid for, we decided to make it into something.

We head outside to Rupert’s. Dave exclaims, “Wow. Look at all that snow!” He then advises the enthusiastic tourists to go back to their igloos.

Has Rupert ever owned a dog? Rupert says he once owned an Alaskan Malamute. It was named “Chuckie.” Ever have any other pets? Rupert thinks and says he’s had lizards. Dave shoots, “Right there in the deli?” Dave is somewhat surprised, wondering what one can do with a lizard as a pet. Rupert says he liked to feed the lizards insects. Hmmm. And then Rupert went into the deli business. Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant.

The New York Transit Authority is raising its subway and bus fares. They came out with this announcement.

“Attention, New Yorkers. Certain subway and bus fares have risen, effective February 7th. The cost of a one week unlimited-use Metrocard has gone from $21 to $24.
Weekly express bus passes have gone from $33 to $41.
And rubbing up against a stranger in the subway has gone from $2 to $2.50.
We apologize for these unavoidable increases. The Metropolitan Transit Authority --- Going Your Way.”

”This Saturday, the Neverland Ranch is the place to be as Michael Jackson has a garage sale before he gets hauled off to prison. This is your chance to go home with a 1983 Grammy . . . . a baboon . . . . or you can choose from this selection of noses priced to go. Jacko – Be There!”

We see the President giving a talk in North Carolina. He says, “I stood up in front of the . . . . . uhhh . . . . (check papers) . . . . Congress.”

Rupert escorts Joanie out to 53rd Street where our chilly models greet Joanie at the dog sled. Driving the dog sled will be musher, Alan Bankendorf. With a “hee-yah” from Bankendorf, the dogs mush down 53rd Street towards the Hudson.

And that’s how we play “Would You Like To Ride on a Dog Sled.

Joanie now has something new to add to her resume.

Back from commercial, Dave reads from an information card I prepared during the break about the Iditarod. Listening to Dave in the ACT 1, I’m not sure if he needed a card. He seemed well-versed in the sport.

- The Iditarod starts this Saturday, March 5th in Anchorage, Alaska.
- The race is 1,150 miles.
- It consists of 80 teams, each with 12-16 dogs.
- The race was inspired by a 1925 dog-sled relay to deliver life-saving serum against diphtheria to Anchorage.

TOP TEN: Other Changes at CNN – in a bid to boost advertising revenue, CNN is now broadcasting liquor commercials, becoming the first national cable television news network to do so.
#9. When covering a hard story, reporters ask “What would Jack Daniels do?”
#7. Reporters must make quotation marks with fingers when calling Bush “President.”

KIRSTIE ALLEY – On last Friday’s show, Dave said about Kirstie: “I always liked Kirstie Alley and I don’t care if she’s 600 pounds, I think she’s still hot.” I know what he means. So what happened to Kirstie that caused her to gain the weight? She says she went on an eating spree and just kept it up. She’s a believer of “more is better.” She has a personal goal to do a handspring every year up to the age of 90. Last year she tried it and it nearly killed her. She practically broke her wrist and fell like a timbered tree. She blames it on her weight. That sort of sparked her into doing something. She’s been doing the Jenny Craig and has lost 23 pounds. Clap clap clap clap. I’m not sure what led to it or how she actually said it, but Kirstie then said something like, “I’d like to party in your pants.” Dave returned it with, “Even with you in there it wouldn’t be that crowded.”

How’s the sex life? Kirstie says it’s zip. Nada. Not existent. She calls herself a dunce when it comes to men. For the past 4 years she sat down and did an extensive study on men and sexuality. She says it didn’t help. She’s still doesn’t know a thing about men or sexuality. Kirstie would like to become promiscuous, something she missed out on when younger. She’s not interested in the fatty-holics, men who like the fatties. She wants to lose the weight and get a legitimate fling.

Dave says when discussing Kirstie’s weight, “it’s impolite to ask for numbers,” such as what was her highest, but wants to know anyway. Kirstie says, “No, it’s not impolite. I think it’s stupid because you’re not going to get it.”

On Fat Actress, John Travolta was a guest and offered support to Kirstie fight to lose weight. During the taping, Kirstie made a plea to Oprah to re-do her kitchen. Voila, the magic of Oprah resulted in a brand new kitchen. Oprah is America’s new Santa.

Would Kirstie ever consider getting her stomach stapled or removed? She says she wouldn’t, one reason is she doesn’t trust anesthesiologists. She questions there choice of careers, “What kind of person wants to make their living putting people out?” I “Played the Dave” and said, “I put people out every night.” Nothing. Kirstie added to the topic and I repeated my “Play the Dave” line, “I put people out every night.” I thought it was a simple line and an easy pick up for Dave. Dave didn’t touch it. And then . . . and then . . . Dave says, “I put people out every night.” DING! I won! I won at “Play the Dave”!

Kirstie’s goal is to lose 60 pounds. She’s more than one-third there. You can see her program no Showtime, March 7th at 10:00 PM. Oh, but darn, you don’t get the Showtime. Great news. Showtime will be descrambling their signal for the premiere episode. So tune in Monday night at 10:00 for some free Showtime.

And look for her new book, How To Lose Your Ass and Regain Your Life: Reluctant Confessions of a Big-Butted Star.

ACT 4: Our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if time permitted. Unfortunately, we had time and Alan was granted the stage.

Alan: “Thanks, Dave. Well, folks, a remarkable couple of weeks has just drawn to a close here in New York City. ’The Gates,’ the enormous art installation in Central Park, is coming down. Millions of New Yorkers and tourists enjoyed this dazzling project, the creation of husband and wife team Christo and Jeanne-Claude.”
(Alan turns to another camera. Music, and Alan, turns ominous; angry.)
“How dare you. You think that just because you’re an ‘artist,’ you can walk all over regular folks? Last Wednesday, the Rite-Aid pharmacy on 57th Street. I went in for some Clairol orange hair dye. As I entered the aisle, I saw there was only one box left. I reached for it – and out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of orange --- or was it saffron – and you darted forward and grabbed the box. When I protested, you responded with an ‘artistic’ knee to my groin! I had to stagger home and use my emergency tube of cheap hair dye that makes my scalp burn! Happy now, bitch? For you next project, why don’t you go put up some stupid colored sheets in Hell!”
Dave: “Alan, if it makes you feel any better, you look fantastic.”
Alan: “Yeah, I know. Thanks, Dave.”

ACT 5: “If you would like Oprah to remodel your kitchen, send a self-addressed envelope to:
Oprah, I Want A New Kitchen
Care of Harpo Productions Inc.
P.O. Box 9909715
Chicago, Illinois 60607
Oprah can make your dreams come true. So get up and get going and tell your friends.”

KATHLEEN EDWARDS: From her CD, Back To Me, Kathleen performed “Back to Me.” Very nice.

And that was our show for Tuesday March 1, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

So two nights ago on Full House, Rebecca gave birth to twins. But then last night she was still pregnant. Nickelodeon isn’t running these Full House episodes in exact repeat order. This doesn’t help me when I use Full House as a teaching tool for my children about where babies come from. Last night’s episode featured Stephanie’s dance recital. She likes dancing, but doesn’t want to spend the whole summer going to dance camp. She had to explain this to her dad, who was sort of living vicariously through her.

I received this from Wahoo reader Tim Eberhardy of Cudahy, Wisconsin:

“Can my wife Cindy and I be named Cameo Mention of A Wahoo Reader on March 2? I calculated and found out we'll be married 7,777,777 minutes at 7:37 PM that day (I'm not making this up - I have a lot of time to kill at work!)”

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
March 1, 1988 – Wayne Gretzky passes Gordie Howe with his record 1,050 NHL assist.

WAHOO CORRECTION: Yesterday in This Date in NHL History, I stated that the 1960 U.S. Mens Olympic Hockey team won the Gold Medal in Lake Placid. Of course it wasn’t Lake Placid. It was Squaw Valley, California. This really has me baffled. If you said to me a month ago they won it in Squaw Valley, California, I would have said that’s right. And if you said they won it in Lake Placid, I would have said that’s right, too. I know it’s impossible but I would have placed my confidence that it was played in Squaw Valley at 85%. But I would have placed my confidence that it was played in Lake Placid also at 85%. Hmmmmm. Place them side by side and I had to make a choice, I probably would have picked . . . . . Squaw Valley.

I would like to thank Thor Carlson of St. Paul, Minnesota for pointing out my error and for making my head hurt. I would also like tot thank he many many others who I’m sure will be writing in to point out my error.