LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
- It's the Chinese Year of the Rooster and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is taking advantage. They've created a new brand, "Ben & Jerry's Rooster Meat Swirl." Dave holds up a pint container. He opens and we see ice cream with brown feathers and chunks of red rooster comb. Dave throws the container through the glass behind him and it lands on the West Side Highway. Traffic begins to back up almost immediately.

- Jose Canseco appeared on "60 Minutes." His appearance was the inspiration for this: "Jose Canseco Interviews Himself." We roll a clip from the interview. Jose asks himself 4 questions which he then answers. This is one of the things Dave was hoping he would see no more of in 2005, questions to oneself. The other is the D-Fence signs you see at football games.

- The Grammy Awards was also last Sunday. Dave, not one to brag, is proud to say he was nominated in one of the 105 categories. We see a clip of his performance which earned him the recognition. We see Dave playing the fiddle and singing "Camptown Races."

- Poker has become all the rage and craze across the country these days and ESPN is doing everything it can to take advantage. They are looking to broadcast anything and everything affiliated with poker. Dave saw this on ESPN2 earlier today. We see a guy shuffling cards at a poker table. He shuffles once. He shuffles twice. He shuffles a third time. Camera zooms in. He shuffles a fourth time. Art card: "More from the 'World Series of Shuffling' after these messages."

- Valentine's Day was this week and, yes, love was in the air. Dave saw this on the Discovery Channel. We see a clip of two dinosaurs, 'Getting it on, baby." Sexy music is heard. "From your friends at the Discovery Channel!"

- The saber-rattling continues this week between the United States and Iran. The Bush Administration says no attack is planned but Dave saw something earlier today that makes him think some top secret information may have leaked out. We see a clip of a local Gap store. In the window is a sign, "Pre-Iran invasion Sale! Ends March 4th!"
The Gap always seems to be the first to know.

And in addition to Iran, tensions continued to simmer this week with self-proclaimed nuclear power North Korea. Here with an update on this delicate matter is our announcer Alan Kalter. We cut to Alan and find him in his best Kim Jong Il costume, wig, and glasses. Says a belligerent Alan, in Korean: (phonetically) "Cho Sun In Min Gong Hwa Guk un jeol dae hae gulp o gi haji an sum nae da. Mi je ui chim ryak ul mul li chi gi wi hae band bi rul chol tong ga chi hal geo sim nae da. Na nun we dae han ji ko ja im ni da. Mi je ul mul li chi go se gye rul ji bae hal geo sim nae da." Subtitled: "The Democratic People's Republic of Korea will never give up its nuclear weapons! We will maintain our defensive posture to prevent aggression by the decadent Americans! I am your all-powerful leader. We will crush America and rule the world!"
A bewildered Dave asks, "Alan, are you okay?"
Alan answers in English: "Fine, Dave. Thanks."

- Prince Charles announced his engagement to longtime girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles. Since the Prince has been married before, a lot of things will be different this time around. The Royal Family released this announcement.
"The British Royal Family is proud to announce the engagement of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowels. This wedding will differ slightly from the traditional Royal Wedding Ceremonies. The marriage will be a civil service and not a Church of England service.
Ms. Parker Bowles will not assume the title of Queen, instead she will be known as the Princess Consort.
And Prince Charles will still be gay.
A message from the British Royal Family.

WILL IT FLOAT: Of course, we have the home game. It makes a great gift. Dave turns to Alan and asks, "What is tonight's item?"
Alan, still in Korean mode, answers, "Dave, ki rok hal u in nun CD baek gae ya." (translated: "Dave, it's 100 recordable CDs."
And what are we playing for? "Dave, u ri nun Home Entertainment System we hae seo yon ju hanun keo ya."
(translated: "Dave, we're playing for a Home Entertainment System.")

Dave believes it will float. Paul, our musical leader, says the CDs will sink. The models drop the item and it . . . . FLOATS!

TOP TEN: Signs Your Co-Worker is on Steroids.
#9. Not only is he the firm's best salesman, he's on track to break Hank Aaron's home run record.
#8. His cubicle had to be expanded to accommodate his giant head.
#7. First on his speed dial: BALCO CEO Victor Conte - Dave repeats Victor Conte's name as if he is speaking Korean. Apparently, translating proper names from English to Korean is easy . . . just say it real fast in a low angry voice.
#6. Has a water cooler in his office that dispenses clean urine
#2. Held a press conference last week to apologize, but wouldn't say for what. (New Yorkers found this funny)

ROSEANNE BARR: It's her first stand-up on this show in 19 years, way back in March of 1986 at NBC. Her material covered:
-she's the original "Desperate Housewife"
-reality TV - trials of Scott Peterson/Michael Jackson
-Martha Stewart in prison - sad how money no longer works in the judicial system -Roseanne almost 40
-Glad her daughters didn't go to college - no chance of them being on "Girls Gone Wild" -G.W. Bush - orientated/noocular
-The world is our bitch!
-Gay marriage

With Dave, Roseanne talks about her 9-year-old son. It's tough having kids at her age. Kids always want to run around, jump around and play. Instead of Roseanne doing the same, she pretends to be an Olympic judge and when junior leaps across the sofa, she'll hold up a score of 9.1 or something like that.
Roseanne is also a grandmother. She likes getting back at her daughter by teaching her grandchild dirty words. Then when the grandchild uses it in public, Roseanne says while eyeing her daughter suspiciously, "Where did you learn that?
Roseanne is out performing her new stand-up comedy show on tour called, "Let the Healing Begin." She entitled it that because she absolutely hates when people say, "Let the healing begin."

ACT 5: Over audience shot:

"Last week we asked our home viewers to log on to our website and tell us what you would like to see on the Late Show. Well, we listened. You asked for it America." - screen goes to static.

RACHEL WEISZ: Pronounced "Vice." She's in the film "Constantine." It's full of demons. Rachel has also been in a lot of Mummy movies. I guess the good thing about Mummy movies is the mummy never dies, so a sequel is always possible. Rachel is from London and now lives in New York City. She recently went to an art gallery to view the works of photographer Timothy Greenfield Saunders. His subjects: adult film stars. The photographs were of the adult film stars fully dressed on one side of the display, and on the other side they are naked. She says the photos were very beautiful. She then went to the opening party for the art show which was attended by many of the subjects. She found the whole thing quite interesting.
Rachel is currently staying/living in Montreal working on a film. She asked the owner of the apartment in which she was living, who happened to be gay, if he could turn on the cable in the place. He did, and she noticed that many of the channels involved gay adult films. Stopping at one, she noticed, "Hey, I know him! He was at the art party!"

A few years ago Rachel took a road trip from New Orleans to New York. She stopped in Memphis to view Graceland. She stopped at a church to see Al Green, the Hall of Fame singer, preach. She said it was incredible. At one point, Al Green exclaims, "Hands up everybody who wants something from the Lord!" Rachel and her friend sat quietly in the back, there merely to observe and enjoy. Al Green noticed them and said, "You two ladies at the back, you don't want nothing from the Lord?" Rachel then participated by throwing her hands up in the air and rejoicing. Unfortunately, Dollywood was closed during her road trip.

Rachel's new movie is "Constantine," starring with Keanu Reeves. It opened today. In the film, she gets to play twins. I wondered if she gets paid double. And then I realized that's just the opposite as the role of Michelle in "Full House." In "Constantine," one person plays two roles. In "Full House," two people play one role.

And that was our show for Friday, February 18, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I had a dream last night. It was so boring, I fell into deeper sleep.

We had a translator read the Korean translation to Alan Kalter's "Late Show Week in Review" and "Will It Float" Alan then had it written down on cue cards phonetically. His reading was an accurate representation of how it would have sounded in Korean. At least we would like to think so. Is anybody out there learned in the Korean language able to critique how Alan did? I don't know Korean, but I think he nailed it.

THE GATES - I'm back from my visit to "The Gates" in Central Park. What did I think? Eh.

Now it's time for the Subtle, Poorly-Disguised Insult of the Night. I went to the wardrobe department earlier today. I was asked to play a hot dog vendor for a future piece. When I arrived, our wardrobe people looked at me and said, "Oh, what you're wearing is fine."

THIS DATE IN NHL HISTORY
February 18, 1899 - The Montreal Shamrocks defeat Queen's University to win the Stanley Cup.

(From some NHL website: 1899 also saw the Cup being defended by two different teams in the same year, as the Montreal Victorias and new league champions Montreal Shamrocks defended the Cup against the Winnipeg Victorias and Queen's University, respectively.)

OK, OK. I took the walk. I was going to fake my visit to "The Gates" but my Catholic School upbringing got the best of me so I journied. We're on 53rd Street. Central Park starts at 59th Street. I walked up to one curtained gate and walked through. I felt no inner change. The Gates extended as far as the eye could see. I walked 100 yards and still The Gates continued. In fact, these saffron curtained gates looked exactly like the ones I saw 100 yards back. Another 100 yards, more of the same. I stopped and looked around. I looked at the people looking at The Gates. New York City is fabulous. Where else can you hear "I don't get it" in 50 different languages? One thing about The Gates that did impress me was the work involved. 7,500 of these things put up all around the Park is certainly an undertaking. But still, I didn't quite get it. The Mayor says he's expecting 80 million in tourist dollars from the event. I'm not so sure. I would like to check the hotel vacancy rate for this week compared to the same week last year. My guess is it isn't much different. If this is so, then I suspect "The Gates" is actually costing the city in tourist dollars. And here the tourists are spending a couple hours in the Park looking at "The Gates" without having to take out their wallet. Last year they would have been at some matinee or eating again and spending money. So what did I think of The Gates? Well, I guess it was worth the 6-block walk.
Leaving the Park, I turned around for one last look at "The Gates." The sight reminded me of the old joke. A guy is banging his head against the wall. He's asked, "Why are you banging your head against the wall?" He answers, "Because it'll feel so good when I stop." Same thing with the Park. It'll look so good when "The Gates" are gone.

And don't forget, Tuesday morning I'm going to the DMV to renew my license. You won't want to miss my report on that

Hey, look! The bottom of the barrel!