Dave spent much the weekend watching the football. At one point, the New York Jets sent HIM in to try a field goal, since the regular guy wasn't doing too well. The Jets lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime after their kicker missed two field goals in the last two minutes. And how about Dave's beloved Colts? Ooooh, they took it on the chin vs. the New England Patriots, 20-3. Not a very good showing by the best offensive football team in the game's history. In fact, Dave lauds the Colts' offensive the best offense in any game that involves a ball. Take any "ball" sport and Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts are the best offensive team. And speaking of the Indianapolis Colts/New England Patriots game . . . . did you see that guy in the crowd with the cut-out "D" and a cut-out picket fence? Put them together and you get "D-Fence." Dave hates that. The Colt/Patriot game was played in New England and was televised on CBS. With their help, we were able to locate that guy who held up the "D" and the fence. On the phone right now is Gary Wren of New Bedford, Massachusetts.

Dave makes the small talk with the guy, discussing the Patriots team. We learn Gary has been a season ticket holder for 10 years. He expects the Pats to defeat the Steelers next week. Gary makes the "D" "Fence" at home by cutting it out of poster board with a razorblade. It's his way of showing support. Did Gary originate the idea of the "D" and the "fence"? No. Gary says he saw it on the TV years ago and thought it was clever. He decided to do the same for his Patriots. He takes the "D" and the "Fence" to every Patriots home game.
Dave tells Gary he's tired of the "D" "Fence." Dave tells Gary to just cut it out. It's old. It's tired. Cut out the "D" "Fence."
There is silence on the line. Then Gary tells Dave, "'Givl' You!" And hangs up. OUCH! (The Wahoo Gazette does not print expletives. To decipher 'givl', simply look to the left of each letter in 'givl' on your keyboard.) It doesn't look like Dave made a friend of Gary Wren.

So let's try this.

Did you see the Golden Globe Awards last night? The Hollywood Foreign Press voted on the "Best Of" for 2004 and some of the categories were kind of confusing. Did you see the category Anjelica Huston won for? We see a clip. Anjelica Huston's name is announced. She wins for her work in "Iron Jawed Angels." Her category: "Outstanding Female Performance in a Supporting Role in a Television Series, Miniseries, Film, Musical, Drama, Variety or Comedy and/or Theatrical, Non-Foreign Language Film, Cama, Varomedy, or Dramsical."

Varomedy? Dramsical?

Here's something. It's the Late Show Awkward Sports Clip of the Night. From last Thursday's race card at the Aqueduct Race Track in Queens, New York. We see actual footage. The evening was so foggy, the track announcer could only guess what was going on on the far turn. Lots of silence and second-guessing. Much like your typical Late Show audience.

And we have something from Rupert. Dave says hello to our deli friend. Dave asks about the Jets. Rupert says it was pretty depressing. Dave then asks, "And how about that Colts game?" Rupert says with a laugh, "Yeah. . . . they got killed." Dave obviously didn't find the game as funny as Rupert.
What does Rupert have for us tonight? Rupert has a video of his learning karate at the local Tiger Schulmann's Karate School at 39 West 19th Street.
We see Rupert meeting the teacher, one of the Schulmann's. The guy gives Rupert a belt to tie up his robe. I know it's not a robe but something like a "ghee." I'm not sure how to spell it so I called it a robe. Rupert asks if he can have a black belt instead. Ain't happening.
We see Rupert try to attack him with a knife.
Is that Karate Kid gay?
Rupert does some karate wrestling with a karate babe.
Rupert tries to get out of a karate hold.
Rupert does some more karate wrestling with the karate babe.
Rupert and Schulmann go outside to look for some punks.
Rupert spots a punk and challenges him to a fight. We see Rupert is yelling at an elderly and frail senior.
We see the conclusion of a successful day: Rupert karate chops a board in half.

JACK HANNA: He's got animals. First up are two dingoes. Dave mistakenly called the one he was holding a "Red Wolf." I laughed because my father looks like Red Wolf, a guy in a nearby town. Many times he was approached with "Hi, Red Wolf." He had to tell them, "I'm not Red Wolf. He's in Spring Valley." But I digress.
Jack describes the dingoes as highly endangered, only 100 or so left in the wild. The dingoes are meat eaters. Do they eat carrion? Jack answers something like, "Yes . . . . no . . . . wha?" They're meat eaters, especially chopped meat from a bowl. And they are monogamous. Dave surmises, "That explains why they're nearly extinct." Do the dingoes have a name? Jack says they are named Ding-bat and Ding-dong. Jack laughs at his own wittiness.

Next is a pair of Bush babies. I was waiting for the obvious, "and they are named Barbara and Jenna." Wasn't coming, and I was glad since it was so easy. The Bushes have lone tongues and have a monkey/squirrel appearance. Dave suspects Jack got these squirrels out of Central Park.

Third is a Bactrian camel. These camels have two humps. Where do you find Bactrian camels? "At the zoo," says Jack. Jack then explains there are no Bactrian camels left in the wild. The only place you can find them are at the zoo. "Do they have multiple stomachs?" Jack answers with confidence, "I think so. Do they?" An assistant nods to Jack and offers more information. Jack tries to deflect the information, attempting to hide who is the real brains of the organization. Jack explains, "There are millions of different animals. I can't know everything. I'd have to study for weeks." Darn, that Jack is funny.

We go to commercial and come back to say hello to a baboon. The baboon is a voracious eater, continuously shoving food into his mouth and storing it in his cheeks. I've seen people like that on a cruise. Dave thinks the baboon smells like . . . . well, a baboon.

And that was Jack's visit to the Late Show. Always educational. Always informational.

Alan Kalter has something to share. He would like to present his new segment, "Alan Kalter's Animals! Animals! Animals!"
We cut to Alan. He is seated at his perch. Alongside Alan is fellow in khakis holding a goat on a leash. Alan is a bit annoyed.
ALAN: "Well, I did have an animal demonstration all set to go, but it seems pointless now, huh? I mean, doesn't make a whole lot of sense to continue after your little bit with that glorified dog walker, Jack Hanna., now does it? Oooh, I'm Jack Hanna, this is my turtle. News bulletin Hanna, you brought that slimy little rat the last time you were here. I suppose it doesn't matter to you that I had this demonstration planned for a month! I suppose it doesn't matter I've spent the past thirty damn days smelling like goat feed and monkey 'djoy', does it Dave? I'm just sorry Gary over here had to see this outburst, but you just made the list Letterman! Cross me again, and we're goin' round-n-round, you miserable old 'givl'?" Alan ups and storms off.

ACT 5: And now a Late Show Announcement.
Have you seen this camel?
It has been reported missing and was last seen in the vicinity of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
If you see this camel, do not attempt to capture it. He is extremely dangerous. Tell the local authorities.
This has been a Late Show Announcement. Tell your friends.

TERI POLO: She's in "Meet the Fockers." She has a recurring role on "The West Wing." And she's on the cover of the February Playboy. She plays Ben Stiller's fiancé in the film, a film which has earned over $230 million to date. Yikes. Also in the film are Robert DeNiro, Barbra Streisand, and Dustin Hoffman. Double yikes. Them some big names. What's it like hanging out with Barbra Streisand? Teri says she was incredibly sweet and great to work with. She was nice to everybody. Being such a big star, Barbra can't get out and do the things most of us take for granted. Teri was talking about getting a coffee at Starbucks and Barbra asked, "What's a 'Starbucks'?" Teri is also a mom to a two-and-a-half. Dave wants to know if it's true what they say about the "Terrible Twos?" Teri thinks it's more the "Terrific Twos." It's the time when the little one is really developing his personality; getting into things, exploring, showing great curiosity. The baby is becoming a person and the time should be relished. Dave asks about her discipline methods when the two-and-a-half year throws a temper tantrum in the local Wal-Mart. Teri says she simply and calmly tells Junior, "I don't like it when you do that." She continually talks softly and calmly until Junior calms down. And that works!? I want to go shopping with Teri and the little one. My theory is when you tell a two-year-old that you don't like what he or she is doing, they like that. That is their goal. Tell them you don't like what they are doing and they will do it more. They aren't liking you at that moment and if what they do can make you upset, they've accomplished their goal and will continue to do it. But Teri says her calmly talking to her son works for her. Dave is concerned and questions, "I don't want to have a calm discussion about him having a fit. He will think that every fit will be followed with a calm discussion."
Dave holds up the February issue of Playboy. He says, "I've seen the pictures of you in here naked and I enjoyed them." If the cover is any indication of what's inside, it may be worth the purchase price. I buy Playboy just for the pictures.

And that was our show for Monday, January 17, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Not only that. Now it's being reported that Bernard Kerik doesn't come to a full stop before making a right on red.

It's nice to see the producers at "60 Minutes" finally getting credit for a story they worked on. Unfortunately, it was the story about Bush and the National Guard.

How was your football weekend? I have a question for those on the west coast: How do you like your games at 1:00 and 4:00? That's how we here in the east usually get to see our football games. With the Saturday playoff schedule, the west coast got the 1:00 and 4:00 games instead of the usual 10:00 and 1:00.

So I'm watching the games this weekend and FOX must have shown an American Idol promo during every commercial break. If I had an inkling of interest in watching the show, it's gone now. Enough already! We got it! "Idol 4" premieres Tuesday the 18th.

How about Super Bowl Saturday? This is something I've asked the past few years. The networks continually inch the Super Bowl later and later in the day to take advantage of the prime time. Here in the east it starts well after 6:00. By Sunday 6:00, we're exhausted out here. By then, I'm not interested in football anymore. And forget about having a Super Bowl party. It doesn't work at that hour and day. My suggestion is to scrap the Sunday game and put it on at 7:00 on Saturday night. With no work on Sunday, Super Bowl parties can once again be festive and overboard. 6:00 on Sunday night is no time to start a football game. Have the game on Saturday, and Sunday night can be filled with Super Bowl recaps with live entertainment and interviews with the winning team. Make it a Super Bowl weekend rather than Super Bowl Sunday. I'll hang up and listen to your answer.

The second biggest mall? This from Chris Begley of Vancouver, BC.

"Not to rub your faces in it, but the West Edmonton Mall is 5.3 Million square feet. See: http://www.westedmall.com/about/wemtrivia.asp."