Dave is still battling the flu and cold he’s had all week. He went to his doctor, Dr. Vinny Boombotts who prescribed some meds. Dave asks Paul what he always hears about Broadway performers? Answering his own question, Dave says they over exert themselves and collapse backstage. Dave is concerned that may happen to him tonight. Not to worry, though, if Dave does collapse tonight, we have a guy who sort of looks like Dave backstage standing by to jump in if needed. We get a shot of the guy backstage. He seems fit and eager to help, just like a good understudy should.

Here’s something I didn’t know about Dave. He considers himself a gadgetophile. He loves the gadgets. He has one of those iPods which holds up to 10,000 songs. There are other iPods now out, such as the iPod Mini, which holds about 1,000 songs, and the iPod Shuffle which holds up to 240 songs. Dave just bought the newest iPod on the market . . . the iPod Micro. Dave holds up his new purchase. The new iPod Micro holds only one song. Yup. He hasn’t decided which song yet, but when he does, he’ll have it downloaded onto his iPod Micro. One song he’s considering is “The Letter.”

Leading into the next joke, Dave starts reciting some of the many cities featured in the CBS CSI series. One such is “CSI: Scottsdale.” Paul interrupts, recalling how a woman once stopped him to tell him that Dave Letterman had been known to hang out in Old Scottsdale, Arizona with Alice Cooper. From Dave’s reaction to Paul’s retelling, it doesn’t seem to be true but it’s a story Dave would rather not refute. It’s kind of neat having people think you hand with Coop.

Anyway, the people at CBS have asked the producers of CSI: NY to lighten up the dark and edgy series a bit to make it more appealing to the squeamish. We see the result of that request in this CBS CSI: NY promo.

“Tonight on ‘CSI: NY’, Mac and the team arrive at the gruesome crime scene and are shocked to lean the triple homicide has already been solved by . . . . crime-fighting kitties!’
We see cute, cuddly kittles frolicking.
“CSI: NY – Only on CBS!”

Have you heard that the E! Channel is planning on re-enacting scenes from the Michael Jackson trial starting next month? It’ll be done daily following each day of the trial. The E! Channel released this statement as they search for the perfect person to play the role of Michael Jackson.

Now it’s time for George W. Bush Straight Talker – From a January 11th discussion on Social Security.

Bush: “And that’s so . . . so . . . it’s this uh . . . . this . . . uh . . . I hope you’ve under . . . . get . . . come . . . come . . . away with a better understanding of the importance of this issue.”

1. Shot of William Shatner:
William Shatner was overhead saying:
A) “Warp Factor 9 to the complimentary buffet
B) “I can’t wait to present an award”
C) “Warp Factor 9 to the complimentary buffet”

Dave asks if we can go back to the shot of William Shatner. He says, “It looked like the back of his head was fat.” We get another shot of Shatner and sure enough it looks like the back of his head is fat. Dave concludes, “When you’re gaining weight on the back of your head . . .”

2. Old man with a beverage:
This Hollywood insider will soon be seen in:
A) a feature
B) a gritty cop drama
C) The Academy Awards montage of ‘People We Lost.’

Paul groans an “Oh, man!” Dave asks if something’s the matter? Paul questions the last joke. Dave looks at it again and suggests maybe we should get rid of that one. Paul says not to get the joke on his account; “It seems like the audience didn’t care for it too much.” Dave and Paul discuss whether to keep it or get rid of it. I laughed at the joke. I laughed at the discussion. Would I keep it in? I don’t know. I could easily be convinced either way. As I type this at 10:00 PM Wednesday, I don’t know the decision made.

3. Guy with scruffy beard, glasses, wool hat:
Here we see:
A) a nominated reality show producer
B) a seat filler
C) me showing up to accept my award

4. 2 cops:
“By the end of the night there’s a good chance these officers will:
A) write a parking ticket
B) move some barricades
C) taser Courtney Love

5. Young kid with crazy looking mohawk talking on cell phone:
This man’s hairstyle:
A) marks him as a creative type
B) is popular among young people in Hollywood
C) helps him get better cellphone reception

Dave looks at the kid on the monitor. He sighs. . . “I have a son. One day that may be him.” And I have two daughters. And I have worse nightmares.

And finally . . .

6. Guy carrying plant:
This worker is:
A) helping with set decorations
B) bringing a finishing touch to the red carpet
C) making a ‘delivery’ to Woody Harrelson

Before doing #6, Dave said, “And finally . . .” We had 4 more jokes following this one but Dave felt we were going long in the opening ACT and wanted to be sure we had time for Rudolph. His saying “And finally . . .” was his signal to the Control Room and to Paul that he was about to end the piece. This way we would have the closing animation ready to go and Paul would be ready with the closing song.

Back from commercial, Dave says to Paul, “What the hell do we have to say to Dr. Kissinger?” Paul tries to help and does a Dr. Henry Kissinger impersonation. Everybody thinks they can do Kissinger. I realized this years and years ago. In my database I have every guest who has ever attempted a Kissinger, as well as every time Dave and Paul has done the Doctor. I’ll have to write that up and use it in a comedy piece.

TOP TEN: Questions George W. Bush Asked His New Homeland Security Nominee.
#5. “Be honest, would you really spend any time keeping Delaware safe?”
#1. “Is there any chance of you going ‘McGreevey’ on us?”

Before introducing Mr. Giuliani, Dave shares a Dr. Henry Kissinger story. He was on a flight to London. Sitting next to him on the plane was Dr. Kissinger. 10 days later on the flight home, Dave again was sitting next to Dr. Kissinger . . . but this time he had a broken arm. Why this made me laugh so, I don’t know, but Dr. Kissinger getting a broken arm in London struck me as funny.

RUDOLPH GIULIANI: He’s got a topic for Dave to discuss with Dr. Henry Kissinger – the New York Yankees. Dr. Kissinger is a big Yankee fan. Dave and Rudy talk about the Yankees; last year’s season and the upcoming season. Dave says in Major League Baseball, there is the Yankees and then there is every other team. Dave adds that the rest of baseball thinks it’s terrible how the Yankees just go out and buy the best players available, but as a Yankee fan, you just love it! I have to admit, it is kind of fun. It’s fun in April seeing all these great players in the Yankee uniform for the first time. Then you shut off your enthusiasm and pick it up again in late September. As a Yankee fan, I miss the daily “live and die” of following your favorite team. Their making the playoffs is a given. You simply set the alarm clock for Boston games and October 1st. For me, the best thing that could happen is for the Yankees to win the World Series. The 2nd best thing would be for the Yankees to fall flat on their face and finish under .500. It would make for a very interesting summer

Mr. Giuliani will be attending the inauguration next week. He speaks very highly of the spectacle and the great traditions and history and pomp involved in the day. He calls everything involved, “a tremendous thing,” paying tribute to the oldest and longest living democracy in the history of the world.

Would Rudy accept a job in the Bush Administration if offered? Rudy does a good job of avoiding a direct answer, revealing his only real ambition is to some day manage the New York Yankees.

So what’s the deal with Rudy’s pal, Bernard Kerik? Giuliani does a great job in defending his friend, admitting to the mistakes Kerik made. Rudy reasons that Bernard is human, susceptible to the human frailties and mistakes just like the rest of us.

DANIEL BANKS: He’s an 11-year-old prodigy, a drummer wunderkind. He’s just a kid and he’s going to play with Paul and the CBS Orchestra! Daniel comes from Massachusetts. Has he enjoyed any sleigh riding this winter? “No.” Why not? He says, “My mom didn’t want me to break anything before the show.” Daniel first learned how to play the drums by banging on pots and pans at the ago of 4. I banged on the pots and pans when I was 4 years old, too. What I learned was I wasn’t allowed to play the pots and pans. Daniel had his first pro gig when he was 7. Not bad. When I was 7, I was eating paste.*
* denotes stolen joke.

Daniel’s highlight: one time when performing at a bar/restaurant, “a drunk lady flashed me.”

Damn. Drummers get all the luck.

To read more about Daniel Banks, check out his website at:
http://www.danielbanks.net

ACT 5: Attention Late Show Viewers: This is a VCR Alert!
On the January 12th LATE SHOW, Dave welcomes former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Set your VCRs because it’s a LATE SHOW you won’t want to miss. This has been a VCR Alert. Tell your friends.

Hey! I guess the flu got the best of Dave. No word if he collapsed backstage. To close the show, the guy who sort of looked like Dave was in the seat. Back from commercial, we see the guy at the desk. He looks over to Paul and says, “How do you think that went?” A somewhat bewildered Paul mumbles a “Pretty good . . . Dave.”

The new guy says, “So do I.” He then thanks the night’s guests, billboards tomorrow night’s guests, invites us to stay tuned for Ferguson, and says good night. I sure hope Dave is OK.

And that was our show for Wednesday January 12, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

That’s not all. Now it’s being reported that Bernard Kerik doesn’t first turn down his radio when calling the radio talk shows.

You’re hearing it here first. Not only do I look for new ideas for the LATE SHOW and the Wahoo Gazette, now I’m looking for new ideas for the New York Yankees. My pitch is to have Rudolph Giuliani manage one of the Yankee teams in this year’s Old-Timers game. I’ll keep you posted.

Note to the CBS News execs who were fired due to the 60 Minutes fiasco. Unfortunately, those pink slips you received aren’t forged.

36 years ago today, the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl 3, 16-7. For some reason, I always remember this date. Don’t know why. I must be the only one. I haven’t seen it in any of the local sports pages today.

I was a bit saddened this weekend. Whenever I drive my 9-old-girls anywhere, they immediately ask, or demand, “Turn on Radio-Disney!” the second we get in the car. On Saturday, they made the request for Radio Disney. Hearing the song on the Disney station, they changed their mind to, “Turn on Z-100!” I didn’t think they were aware of anything but Radio Disney. Z-100? Oh no. They’re growing up so fast. It reminded me of the time they went from Barney to Rugrats. “When a girl changes from bobbie socks to stockings . . .”

Oh. I meant to say this the other day. It really steamed me up. Monday night my 35 minute commute home took over 2-and-a-half hours. As soon as I saw the sea of red lights ahead of me on the West Side Highway, I turned on WCBS-880 for my traffic report. It comes on every ten minutes on the 8’s. I learn that there was emergency work being done on the George Washington Bridge. OK, that was bad news. But what really got me hot under the collar was the traffic guy on the radio. He sounded as if he was loving the fact that traffic was stopped cold. He gave his traffic report in a sing-song kind of way, talking of miles and miles of back-up with a lilt and a giggle in his voice. “Hoo boy oh boy, you don’t want to be trying to get across the George Washington Bridge, hee hee hee. No sir, you don’t want to be stuck there. Yuck yuck yuck.” Damn, I wanted to reach through my radio and choke that guy. Sitting in traffic ain’t funny. Keep it up, radio guy, and I’ll get my traffic at 1010 WINS on the 10’s or on 1130 on the 5’s. I don’t need mocking while I’m stewing.

The 2nd biggest mall in America? From Adam Skoglund of Kerkhoven, MN

”I got curious about the large mall question, so I did a google on it. Apparently Eastern Connecticut State University did a study on it, and going by square footage, the largest Mall in America is in the OC. South Coast Plaza Mall in Cosa Mesa California. But your question was about second largest mall, and that's the Sawgrass Mills Mall in Ft. Lauderdale Florida.

The study is here: http://www.easternct.edu/depts/amerst/MallsLarge.htm

Mildly interesting stuff. My mall is ranked number four in square footage, but I say the Mall of America is the best anyway!”

Paula Goff of Perkiomenville, Pennsylvania:

”So with all the second-largest, which one is THE largest mall? FYI, the mall in nearby King of Prussia is actually TWO malls, the Court and the Plaza. I try to avoid it/them at all costs. Way too crowded & busy & expensive & an outrageous shrine to conspicuous consumption.

Here at the Inquirer, we even have an entry about it in our newsroom Stylebook, telling us not to call it the largest because there are many ways to measure size: retail space, total space, number of stores, number of anchor stores. As of 1997, it had 2.9 million square feet of retail space, compared with 2.5 million for the Mall of America in Minneapolis.”