Dave wishes us all a happy and prosperous New Year. . . . and he means it! Regis said it many times on New Year's Eve, but he got paid to say it. Dave is saying it from his heart . . . and he means it.
Some things Dave will want to do in 2005: Use the word "snarky" a lot more. Paul will try to stop saying, "How great is that?!" and simply say, "That's great!"
When Dave watches an NFL football game, there is always one guy in the stands who is holding up a capital letter "D" followed by a short picket fence. This is his way of exhorting the home team's "Defense." Get it? D-fence. Yeah, Dave says it was clever once, but not anymore. For 2005, Dave hopes to not see the "D" "fence" anymore.
Dave will also try to stop asking and answering his own questions. (or maybe he wants to do it more), such as, "Do I, Dave Letterman, wish it were not so cold outside? Yes."

For weeks, the International Space Station was running low on food, and the crew had to ration all their meals. Thankfully, they received a shipment o supplies a few days ago. NASA released this videotape of the drop-off.
We see a clip of the International Space Station. Soon, an old station wagon drives up with a Domino Pizza sign on the roof. It stops in front of the Space Station, then drives off.

Did you watch the new FOX reality program, "Who's Your Daddy?" Monday night? The network ran a rather odd promo.
"Tonight on 'Who's Your Daddy?" watch as contestants compete for $100,000! A woman who was put up for adoption meets 8 men and tries to determine which one is her biological father. FOX - we're all going to hell."

BIFF HENDERSON POLLSTER: Dave and Biff chat about their trip to Kuwait and Iraq, along with Tom Dreesen, the Grinder Girl, and the Hula Hoop girl. Dave and Biff both agree it's a great feeling to do whatever they can to bring a little joy to our men and women in uniform.
Tonight we had a clip of Biff going out on the streets of New York City asking people about the New Year. The last lady in the piece was your perfect New Yorker, right out of central casting.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Neighbor is Vying to be the Next Pope.
#8. He asks if you want to go giant hat shopping.
#6. The son-of-a-bitch keeps hitting on your wife in Latin
#3. Regularly offers to baptize you with the garden hose.
#2. Short on money, he just made the Domino's kid a saint.

HILARY SWANK: She's in the Clint Eastwood film, "Million Dollar Baby." It's getting a lot of good talk. Hilary plays a boxer. I think Clint plays the Burgess Meredith character. Mr. Eastwood is a fine actor but is probably better known these days as a movie director who brings in his projects "on time and under budget." Hilary did lots of training for the film and ended up loving the sport. It's great exercise. She did her training at the famed Gleason's Gym in Brooklyn. Clint was very professional in his directing, now allowing Hilary to get hit in the face until she was ready.

ANDY DICK: He's from the ABC, "Less Than Perfect." This New Year's Eve, Andy did not experience the "Andy Dick Annual Holiday Relapse." Andy has a bit of the problem with the alcohol and it bothered him greatly that he was the only one sober in all the world on New Year's Eve. Dave wants to know more about Andy's "issues."
-"Do you have a problem with alcohol?" - Andy responds, "Some would say."
-"In a program?" - Andy: "I've been in many."
-"You can't have any alcohol?" - Andy: "No. A little means a lot."

Reminded me of the old saying about problem drinkers: "One is too many and a hundred is not enough."

Andy's been keeping busy trying to find a nice uplifting Broadway show. He tried the "Mama Mia" ABBA thing. He then went to "Night Mother," figuring it would be happy like Mama Mia. Mama --- Mother --- should be both fun. Oops. Andy describes "Night Mother" as the most depressing play ever written. It wasn't the festive feature he was hoping for. It was a good show, Andy continues, just not a sunny, uplifting show.

ACT 5: ALAN V.O.: Now it's time for 'Late Show Staffers Thank Dave for the Christmas Gift.'
Tonight's 'thank you' comes from long-time staffer Sue Hum.
SUE: (holding up a negligee) "What the hell is this? I'm gonna sue your ass for sexual harassment, Letterman! You can't do this, you pervert!"
ALAN V.O.: You're welcome, Sue, and Happy Holidays! This has been 'Late Show Staffers Thank Dave for the Christmas Gift.'

GREEN DAY: From their 7 Grammy nominated CD, "American Idiot," including "Album of the Year," Green Day performed "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." At the end of the song, I looked up to see the drummer crawling across the floor. I think he may have jumped from his platform. That drummer is nuts!

And that was our show for Monday, January 3, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

And that's not all. Now it's being reported that Bernard Kerik doesn't put the seat down after going to the bathroom.

Are you like me? Are you still writing '1986' on your checks?

I watched a bit of the Regis on New Year's Eve. Two things stuck out. During the final minute before the new year as the ball is dropping, Regis is heard giving statistics on the descending ball. He was telling us how many lights are on the ball, how big around the ball is, how much it weighs. I thought this was rather odd. It's a minute before New Year's. This minute happens only once a year. We're not interested in the balls vitals. The anticipation is at a peak. It's time to celebrate! It's time to rejoice! Regis reading the ball's statistics would be like a football announcer giving a player's weight and height when the player is in the middle of running back a kickoff for a touchdown. It was a time for elation. A time of saying goodbye to 2004 and hello to 2005. It was not a time for cold, hard facts. That bothered me a little. And do you know what bothered me a lot? While the ball was descending in Times Square, with hundreds of thousands of revelers reveling, we got to see a close up of the ball. It was a terrible shot. The entire TV screen was of the ball slowly dropping. It offered no perspective of the entire scene. Here we are in the greatest city in the world, at the most famous New Year's Eve party in the world, and all we see is a close up of the ball. No wide shots. No shots of Times Square. No shots of the ball from a distance showing how much it has dropped and how much more it has to go. Nothing. They did cut to one wide shot of the ball, but it only lasted a couple seconds. Why? Here's my theory. When we saw the wide shot, we also saw a huge advertisement for the Discovery Credit Card. Or is it the Discover Card? Whatever. I figured the reason ABC didn't want to show a wide shot was because Discovery (Discover?) isn't one of their sponsors. ABC didn't want to anger Master Card, Visa, American Express, or whatever credit card is their sponsor. It's just a guess on my part.

Last week I questioned the wisdom of President Bush for throwing a $40 million inauguration bash in light of our war in Iraq. I read an article addressing the same in Sunday's New York Daily News.
http://www.nydailynews.com/01-02-2005/news/politics/story/267328p-229012c.html

I wish those in high profile political positions would conduct themselves in the same manner a member of the NYPD is expected to behave. For instance, Cheney duck hunting with Rehnquist when Rehnquist will be ruling on a case involving Cheney has the appearance of impropriety. Bush throwing a $40 million dollar party when we have a war going on doesn't seem right. And Kofi Annan skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for 3 days following the tragic events in Asia also isn't right. They are leaders. They should be examples. They should behave as such.

I may have been the only one on the east coast but I watched the end of the Sunday night Giants/Cowboys football game. The Giants won in the final seconds by the score of 28-24. Good game by Giant QB Eli Manning and running back Tiki Barber. But the biggest thanks goes to Cowboy head coach Bill Parcells, 'the Genius', who decided to go with the squib kick after the 'Boys took a three-point lead with less than 2 minutes left in the game. With time and field position the utmost importance so late in the game, Parcells opted for the squib. This resulted in the Giants starting their all-important, late 4th quarter drive from the 35-yard-line, instead of somewhere back near the 20. As a Giant fan I was pleading for the Cowoboys to go with the squib. If I were younger and thinner, I would have jumped from the sofa with joy when I saw the ball bouncing along midfield on the kickoff. The Giants picked it up and advanced it to the 35. Why oh why do coaches love the squib kick. I've seen more games lost because of a squib than from a long kick. Is there a stat-man out there reading the Wahoo who knows the average starting point for an offence following a squib kick as opposed to a long kick off? Especially with the point difference 3 or less, the squib is a loser move.

So what do you 40-year-olds do to feel 20 again?
From Bill Emswiler of Walpole, Massachusetts

"Go to High School football games and when you run into your old teachers, you still refer to them as Mr or Ms."