It’s become a tradition here at the LATE SHOW. Every year when December rolls around, Dave receives a lovely video Christmas card from that cantankerous curmudgeon Osama bin Laden. Dave then brings it to the show for our enjoyment. We see the clip of Osama and his bud singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

Are the Democrats on the right path? They recently selected their Senate Minority Leader, Harry Reid of Nevada. He was on the Meet the Press with Tim Russert last week and Dave brought in and interesting clip. We see the Senate Minority leader speaking.

“Tim, we have in America today many, many states --- I don’t know the exact number.”

And have you been following this election in the Ukraine? It’s getting odder and odder. In fact, one of the candidates, Viktor Yushchenko, was poisoned. The once handsome pol now looks like New Hampshire’s Man on the Mountain. The Ukraine has put out this announcement.

“Austrian doctors have determined that Ukrainian candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned with dioxin, which caused his horrible disfigurement. They still, however, have no idea what accounts for this . . . . . (cut to shot of Michael Jackson) . . . Jacko – Be There!”

THE LATE SHOW CHRISTMAS TREE: Ahh, you know it’s getting close to Christmas when the tree comes out. It looks as lovely as ever. To put the finishing touches on the Yule Tree, we invite our friends who have gathered at Rupert’s Hello Deli. With Rupert tonight is Joe G of Joe G’s Pizza. He once had his establishment right outside the front entrance to the theater. The landlords then hiked the rent price and Joe G had to move out. His business can now be found on 56th Street between 8th and Broadway. The original location has gone unoccupied ever since, or at least 95% of the time since. It doesn’t make sense. Paul and Dave then discuss the coincidence of Rupert and Joe both being in the food industry and both having the same last name. Are they related? No. Also with Rupert is our old friends Mujibur and Sirajul. It’s nice to see them again. I wonder if we’ll incorporate them back into the show again.

And of course, Rupert is here. Paul points out that although Rupert and Joe have the same last name, they spell it differently. Rupert spells his “JEE.” Joe spells his, simply “G.” Enough with the nonsense. Let’s bring them in and decorate the tree. The three run down 53rd Street towards the theater. Emerging from backstage are the LATE SHOW models, in addition to the Hula Hoop Girl and the Grinder Girl. Oooh, the post-party is going to be a real whoop-dee-doo tonight! Without missing a beat, Joe G goes right up the ladder and perfectly places his large cheese pizza on the top spike. Mujibur, or maybe it was Sirajul --- I don’t remember --- is next to place the Empire State Building on the spike on top of the pizza. It is too performed perfectly. Rupert is next and he places the meatball on the spike of the Empire State Building. He tops the meatball with a nice ladle of sauce --- or gravy, if you’re Italian.

And that is our traditional LATE SHOW Christmas Tree.

TOP TEN: Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated the Anniversary of his Capture
#8. Ordered one of Carvel’s delicious Fudgy the Goat Cakes.
#2. Waited 13 hours for visit from Uday and Qusay.

JIM CARREY: Our LATE SHOW medical team was standing at the edge of the stage when it became apparent that Jim had breathing problems. He couldn’t catch his breath, as if a suffering from a terrible case of the hic-coughs. Fortunately, Jim wasn’t having a problem with his breathing. He simply had on a remote controlled Ab-Energizer. It causes muscle contractions by providing little electrical impulses. You wear it around your waist. Each time the Ab-Energizer was energized, Jim convulsed from the electrical impulse. Jim should have a washboard stomach in no time. My stomach is no longer washboard. I have a 21st Century stomach. It’s the shape of a washing machine.

Jim shares some memories of Christmas as a child, offers samples of his new Christmas CD, and revels in his recent Golden Globe nomination for his Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. He’s up against Jamie Foxx, Kevin Kline, Kevin Spacey, and Paul Giamatti. How does he like his chances? Jim says if the voters base their vote on the performance alone, he should win hands down. He’s worried the voters may include the actor’s whole filmography, which may benefit the others.

And how is his new film, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events? Jim describes it as so potent that it’s affecting people’s sperm! Just like a bicycle seat.

Back from commercial, Alan Kalter asked if he could perform a favorite Christmas song if we had a few minutes. We do, so Dave throws it to Alan. It’s Alan Kalter singing “The Little Drummer Boy” with Bing Crosby. We see Alan in his Elvis blues singing his part of “The Little Drummer Boy,” accompanied by Paul and the CBS Orchestra.

“Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum . . . . .”

“Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pump um pum . . . .”

ACT 5: It’s time for “Late Show Christmas Tree Facts.”

The LATE SHOW Christmas Tree stands at nine feet 5 inches tall, weights eighty-one pounds, and was recently stolen from Regis Philbin’s living room.
Thanks, Regis, and happy holidays!
This has been “Late Show Christmas Tree Facts.” Tell your friends.

And that was our show for Monday December 13, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

It’s now being reported that Bernie Keric doesn’t rewind his Blockbuster videos either.

I’m back from a week at Disney World. We went at the perfect time; colleges still in session, grade schools not yet off, a full week removed from Thanksgiving, not yet Christmas break, and people more concerned with holiday shopping. There were some lines but certainly nothing to get alarmed about. And when we went to Universal’s Island of Adventure, we were able to do the whole thing in a couple hours. My favorite part of every ride was walking zig-zag through the empty lines. I could have done that all day long. I tried to get my girls to appreciate the lack of lines but they were too excited to get to the ride. Maybe I’ll take them for a day between Christmas and New Years. Maybe then they’ll appreciate what we had.

What was different at Disney this year as opposed to my last visit 4 years ago? Every person from the New England area has a “Boston World Series Champion” shirt and they wear it every day. I must have seen at least 200 of them the week I was there. Then I started looking for Yankee paraphernalia. Nothing. It was all Boston Red Sox. Not an inter-locking NY anywhere.

I was so excited about the empty lines that I ran and serpentined my way through with my hands over my head like I was on a roller coaster. I yelled, “Wheeeeeeeeee” the whole way. My girls were mortified by my behavior, but I didn’t care. There were no lines!

Oh, and a note to Chase Bank. If you’re going to have ATM machines at Universal with your name plastered all over it, you better be sure the machines are functioning. I went to Island of Adventure with $10 in my pocket, planning on collecting some dough at a machine. The first two Chase machines I found were “temporarily” out of service. The next one I found, same thing. The third wasn’t working either. Nor was the fourth. I was unable to get cash anywhere. Each machine had ‘CHASE’ attached to it. When we were leaving, I went back to check if the first two machines were still “temporarily” out of order. They were. Who is responsible for the inoperable machines? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m ticked at Chase Bank and I’m ticked at Universal for allowing it. And if I were Universal, I would be on Chase’s ass to get those machines filled and fixed. They’re losing money but having inoperable machines. As soon as I spotted the first two machines not working, my mind raced back 4 years and I remembered that same thing happening.

I don’t travel much but this thing about having to arrive two hours early now at the airport seems to be a hoax. We arrived with two hours to spare on our way to Florida and, with nothing to do, we sat and ate food we didn’t really want. I saw a lot of people doing the same. For the unaware, arriving early means spending money. Arriving two hours early makes for a nice constant payday for the airport. On the way home, we cut it a bit closer and boarded without problem.

What will I remember most about my 2004 trip to Disney? I’ll remember how the lines were real short. Yes, I’m pathetic.