This is going to be quick. Everybody is running on out to start the holiday break. As soon as I’m done with this, my holiday break begins.

KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS:
First contestant: Alan, from Texas, with his wife Donna. Alan has 5 categories to choose from tonight. They are:

Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Harry and David Gift Baskets
Know Your Nog
Know Your Department Store Return Policies

Question #1. “What should you keep in mind when returning camcorders and digital cameras to Target stores.”
Answer: “They are subject to a 15% restocking fee.”
Question #2. “What must you do before returning a gas-powered item to Wal-Mart?”
Answer: “Empty any flammable liquid.”

Contestant #2: Lynn, from Austin, Texas. She works as a public school dropout/recovery/prevention counselor. Has she ever had to rough up a punk? “No.”

While Lynn decides on what to play, Dave admires a man’s tie. He then asks a woman if he can “approach and touch” her hair. Dave then turns and nearly bumps into Lynn the contestant. He exclaims, “What are you doing here?!” Dave apparently forgot there was a game in progress. He meets Lynn’s husband Bob. Dave and Bob shake hands. Dave mumbles, “He’s a lot of laughs.”

Lynn chooses Know Your Harry and David Gift Baskets.
Question #1. “What item is featured in the Harry and David Peppermint Dream Basket?”
Answer: “Peppermint moose munch popcorn”
Question #2. “What is the net weight of a Harry and David Light Size Christmas Basket?”
Answer: “4 pounds, 3 ounces.”

We have been going with 3 contestants lately on Know Your Current Events but with a jammed-packed show ahead of us, it was best we cut it off right after two.

Going into the commercial bumper, we meet our first members of the military sending greetings to their loved ones at home. We will see more all night all the way from Kirkuk, Iraq.

JAY THOMAS: This is Jay’s 7th year participating in the LATE SHOW Holiday Quarterback Challenge. Back in 1998, then Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde was on the program and he was to knock the top piece, i.e. pizza, Empire State Building, and a meatball – off the LATE SHOW Christmas tree. Vinny tried and tried again, but no luck. Jay Thomas, who had been a guest earlier in the show, came running out of the Green Room, grabbed a football, and smashed the top piece of the tree to smithereens on his very first attempt. A holiday tradition was born at that very moment. Jay is here tonight to do it again. We see a short montage of his past successes. Before they perform the Challenge, Dave has Jay tell his Lone Ranger story. Dave calls it perhaps the best story in all the world.

Many years back, Jay was a long-haired DJ down in Charlotte, North Carolina. He and a buddy, Mike Martin, were assigned to cover the opening of a Dodge Car Dealership. So they went to the dealership, “herbed up,” and covered the event. Also at the opening was the Lone Ranger. Yes, THE Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. And he was dressed in his Lone Ranger attire. Clayton always played the part to the utmost whenever he was adorned in his Lone Ranger attire. So after the day was done, Jay and his pal were ready to drive home when they were asked if they would drive the Lone Ranger back to his hotel. They obliged. The Lone Ranger got in the back seat and off they went. They were driving in a beat up, 10-year-old Volvo. They were stopped at a light when the car in front of them suddenly backed up and smashed into their car, breaking a headlight. The car then fled. Jay was irate. He chased after the car angry as all hell. The chase went on for quite awhile. Jay finally catches up to the fleeing driver and they come face to face. Words are exchanged. Jay wants to call the cops to take a report. The guy says with a smirk to the long-haired, hippie Jay, “Yeah? And who do you think they’re going to believe? You?” With that, the Lone Ranger gets out of the backseat of the car and with hands on hips, says, “They’ll believe me, citizen!”

Dave laughed throughout. It is a great story.

Now it’s time for the LATE SHOW Holiday Quarterback Challenge. Jay offers Dave the first football toss. Dave throws and hits the pizza but the top piece remains. Dave throws again and misses. Now it’s Jay’s turn. He throws and misses, too. Dave takes a football and WHAM! Right on the money. The pizza, Empire State Building, and the meatball go flying! Jay is very upset, “You bastard!” he cries. “I got no career, now!”

And that was the LATE SHOW Holiday Quarterback Challenge 2004. Watch, or listen for Jay, on the Sirius Satellite radio starting next month.

REGIS PHILBIN: Regis enters and offers the sad news that Jay Thomas is backstage right now sobbing. The big Regis news is he is going to be hosting the “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2005” this year. Dick Clark had some health problems recently and will not be able to make it. Dick had done it for 32 years now.

(ed.note – I’ve stopped celebrating New Year’s Eve ever since Guy Lombardo died.)

Dave is curious. “What kind of rockin’ things do you have planned?” Regis laughs, not quite knowing what things ARE planned, but assures us it will be rocking.

They soon are talking about Dave’s appearance on the Live with Regis and Kelly show last month. Dave complains that he talked to one of Regis’ people, Albert, for hours in the pre-interview to get a few good stories together. Then when it was show time, Regis didn’t ask any of the questions covered in the pre-interview. Dave thought things weren’t moving along all that well but knew he was in big trouble when Regis asked, “So, have you seen any movies?” Dave was in near panic in thought, “Oh my God. This is LIVE death.”

Dave says he got an invitation to Donald Trump’s wedding but won’t be able to make it. Regis too got an invite, but he won’t be able to make it either. Dave asks, “Is this his 3rd wedding?” Regis replies with a bit of a sigh, “Yeah.” They then sit quietly in discomfort with that thought.

Now it’s time for a trip down Memory Lane. Before Regis tells his story, he makes Dave promise that he will tell one, too. Dave accepts. Regis tells a story about something happening in 1963 on his Saturday night LIVE television program in San Diego. I wasn’t listening that closely because I was trying to “Play the Dave” and figuring what Dave’s story would be. I thought Dave would say he had a good story but unfortunately, the story Regis told went too long and we have no time left. But happily, Dave had time. Dave’s story:
He was in the third grade.
He woke up with a sore leg. Lots of pain. Could hardly walk. His mother used an old-folk remedy of placing raw bacon on the sore, so to draw out the bad blood. She wrapped it around David’s little 3rd grade leg. She then sent him to school. In school that day, he was called on to read in front of the class. This would usually make Dave nervous but with raw bacon wrapped around his leg, this was excruciatingly nerve-racking Dave stood in front of the class and while reading, he could feel the raw bacon slowly sliding down his leg. It finally fell out of his pants and landed right on his shoe in front of the whole class.
Dave describes it as the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to him.

ACT 5: More greetings from our brave men and women in Kirkut.

DARLENE LOVE: Once again, a brilliant performance of “Christmas, Baby Please Come Home.” Inside a large green Christmas box emerges Bruce Kapler playing the sax. Snow falls. Bells ring. Darlene belts it out of the park. This always sends chills up and down my spine.

And that was our show for Thursday December 23, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Not only that, now it’s being reported that Bernard Kerik used to sneak into the Drive-in movies as a kid by hiding in the trunk.

Bernie Bernie Bernie. Any New York City police officer who suffered even one lost vacation day for violating a department rule during your term as Police Commissioner should be reimbursed, pronto.

Looking to make plans? Well, according to the CBS website you can catch the “CBS at 75” special on November 2, 2003. Don’t forget to set the TIVO!

Oh, and to my friends at the White House. When planning your big inauguration party, don’t forget we have a war going on. Before spending each dollar of the $40 million, ask yourself, “Should this dollar go to our gala, or should this dollar go to our men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan?” Yeah yeah yeah, I know you realize the many needs of the armed services, so why even have a party? Leave it alone and just go about your business, especially since this is an inauguration for a re-election. You’re not newcomers.

Done with our Christmas shopping? Then run right out to the mall, get yourself a chocolate mocha latte, and sit back and enjoy the pushing and shoving and cursing and swearing and sweating and anger and panic and bad karma that the others are going through. It’s a lot of fun. Take the whole family.

I’m going to so miss doing the Wahoo Gazette this next week.

Next week’s previously viewed programs:
MONDAY: From November 18, 2004; Show #2273 – Howard Stern and Alanis Morissette.
TUESDAY: From November 29, 2004; Show #2280 – Matt Damon and Lance Armstrong. With Twiggy, the water skiing squirrel.
WEDNESDAY: From November 22, 2004; Show #2275 – Stupid Pet Tricks; Colin Farrell; and the Walkmen. Plus, Biff in a corn maze.
THURSDAY: From December 13, 2004; Show #2285 – Jim Carrey and Ashanti.
FRIDAY: From November 23, 2276; Show #2276 – Kevin Spacey; Ben Roethlisberger; and Streb.

Note to all who have written asking for a copy of a missed show. Here they are. You’ve been notified. Sometimes in life, you do get a second chance.

Enjoy the holidays.

Have you hugged your child today?