Just after Dave's last monologue joke, he receives a visitor. Billy Crystal enters and stands to the side of Dave, a few feet in front of him. He begins to perform his Broadway hit show, "700 Sundays." Why? After a few seconds, Dave asks Billy what he is doing here. "You're in the wrong theater. Your theater is down the street." Billy Crystal is well aware that his theater is down the street. He is here because Dave promised to come to opening night, with Paul, and he never came. And he still hasn't come to see the show. Billy wonders if Dave even knows the name of his show. Dave ventures a guess: "Broadway Billy's Broadway Big Top?" Billy corrects him and makes him repeat it a number of times: "700 Sundays." Once satisfied that Dave knows the show title, Billy Crystal leaves. He had to. He has a show to put on.

Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays" - at the Broadhurst Theater at 235 West 44th Street. It runs through March 5th.

We got something tonight and Dave is not sure how it is going to work out. It's what someone decided to call "The Nog-Cam." We have two thin layers of plexi-glass in front of Dave Dorsett's camera. A funnel is on top between the two taped pieces. How does the Nog-Cam work? Dave Dorsett will pour egg nog down the funnel to fill the thin container formed by the two pieces of plexi-glass. While Mr. Dorsett is pouring the egg nog, Dave the host informs us that Dave the camera operator just celebrated his 39th year at CBS. Dorsett fills the container up about half way, covering the bottom of the screen with egg nog. The upper half has a line of nog down to the "pool." This is the path the egg nog took when poured. It was an interesting spectacle.

Dave continues with the show. Only Dorsett's camera will show a half-filled view of egg nog.

Have you seen the beer commercial where John Wayne was digitally added, even though he is dead? They've done the same with Steve McQueen, plugging a Ford auto. Now there's a new one. Cialis has come out with a new commercial and, believe it or not, Dave Letterman was digitally added. After viewing the new commercial, Dave says when comparing himself to John Wayne and Steve McQueen, "The difference is . . . I'm not dead. . . . in a manner of speaking."

First it was Vioxx. Then it was Celebrex. Now it's Aleve. All these drugs are coming into question over their safety to its users. The FDA came out with this announcement.

"Due to the newly-discovered risks associated with various medications, the FDA now recommends that Americans with any illness or injury at all simply lie down and try to eventually get better without medicine. In extreme cases, a cool washcloth may be placed on the forehead. Good luck, America. A message from the FDA."

Dave points out for reasons similar to our use of the Nog-Cam, this is why the rest of the world hates us.

HOLIDAY CARDS
-Thinking of you this Christmas - From the Airport Security Guard Who Groped You.
-Season's greetings, infidel pigs! - Your friends at Al-Qaeda.
-Thanks for the Dioxin-laced gingerbread cookies.
-Did I have an affair with you? If so, Season's Greetings - from Bernard Kerik
-I'm not Santa, but with binoculars, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake
-I won't be home for Christmas, the dog track is open.
-Merry Christmas, unless you follow one of them other crazy religions.

Dave decides to fill the Nog-Cam the rest of the way to the top. Now the camera on Dave is completely darkened with egg nog. All that appears is a little "Late Show Nog-Cam" graphic in the upper left hand corner of your screen.

-Feliz Navidad! To the best illegal housekeeper a family could ask for.
-Merry Christmas, Rabbi.
-Ron Artest has kicked a drunk fan's ass in your name.

And that was holiday cards.

Before the top ten, Dave samples egg nog for the first time in his life. Making a cringing, wincing, twisted face after sipping, Dave says, "Smooooooth." Dave says the egg nog would go great with rum. Dave then talks about his drinking days, admitting that when he drank too much, "I started mewing like a kitty."

TOP TEN: Least Popular Christmas Carols - and presenting tonight's top ten list, the Late Show Carolers.
#10 (tune: "Here Comes Santa Claus) "Here comes Ron Artest, Here comes Ron Artest, Ready to punch us out."
#9. "You're beginning to look a lot more attractive, I've had too much egg nog."
#8. (tune: "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas") "Have another does of steroids, try the cream and try the clear, keep it up a few more months, you'll break Hank Aaron's record next year."
#7. "I saw mommy kissing Bernie Kerik."
#6. (tune: "Jingle Bells") "I bought no gift, my kids are sad, the house looks like a dump. We can't afford Christmas because I was fired by Donald Trump."
#5. "O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, why does your name sound Jewish?"
#4. (tune: start of Rudolph) "He's lost Ashcroft and Powell and Evans and Veneman; Abraham, Paige and Ridge and Thompson. Can George Bush forestall, losing his cabinet one and all?"
#3. (tune: "We Wish You A Merry Christmas") "What happened to Kirstie Alley? What happened to Kirstie Alley? What happened to Kirstie Alley? She's as big as a house."
#2. "I'll be home for Christmas, you can plan on me. I'll be home for Christmas, Martha's busting out of the penitentiary."
#1. (tune: "Deck the Halls") "Did you hear about Cheney's daughter? Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay."

Nice job by all, including our chyron operator, Ron, for syncing the lyrics perfectly with the singing.

KRISTEN JOHNSTON: You probably know her best as the lady on "3rd Rock." Kristen says she loves being in New York City for the holidays. There is no place better than New York during Christmas . . . . . "unless you get mugged." It happened a few years ago. She was walking down the street and she hears behind her, "Give me all your money!" She turned to say, "That is not funny." She soon realized it wasn't a friend playing a joke but a real live mugger. The bad guy says, "Oh, you're the woman on the TV show. Gimme all your money." She relinquished her dough, and got thrown to the ground in the process. Weeks later she received a phone call from a City cop who said, "We got a guy. I like him as your robbery suspect. Kristen went downtown for a lineup, picked out the guy and he was eventually convicted. Kristen is very pleased about her happy holiday story.
Has Kristen ever had to work on Christmas? With theater, she doesn't have to work on Christmas. Many years ago, she had to work around Christmas as she was selling dancing Christmas trees in the cellar of Macy's. The trees were sound-activated and so to make them dance, Kristen had to offer a blast of Christmas music. The only music she had was the Chipmunk's Christmas album. Ouch. Every day, all day. It was 3 weeks of hell.

Dave was interested in Kristen's friendship with Amy Sedaris. Kristen says she is a member of one of Amy's clubs, her club being called "The Nitwits." "Lots of knitting?" Dave wonders. No, no knitting. Just lots of sitting around eating Chinese food. Meetings are once a month. Kristen's position is club treasurer. Sarah Jessica Parker is also a member and is the spokesperson. Drinking involved? I think it's a byob.

Kristen is appearing in the off-Broadway play, "The Baltimore Waltz." It is a Signature Theater Company production at the Peter Norton Space. The show runs through January 9th, so hurry up and get your tickets.
Earlier this year, Kristen performed in the Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Much Ado About Nothing." She had a funny monologue to perform but just couldn't hammer down the right approach, the right delivery, the right feel. Struggle as she might, she could never get it quite right. She worked and worked and worked to get it right but it was always out of reach. Then one night while performing her piece in the outdoor theater, the audience responding with great laughter and applause. Kristen felt as if she finally got it! Her hard work had paid off, getting the emotion Shakespeare was looking for when he wrote the play. Kristen was extremely proud of herself. Upon her triumphant exit, someone said to her "Did you hear about the duck?" Well, Kristen didn't need to hear anymore. She realized a duck stole the show. It was the duck the audience was responding to. She later learned the duck flew into some lighting, died, and then fell on someone. Oh, if only Shakespeare had written it that way.

LATE SHOW AFTER THE SHOW: We've stolen it from Oprah. After every Oprah show on the Oxygen network, Oprah lets the audience stick around for a second program called, "Oprah After The Show." It lets the viewers see what makes Oprah tick and learn all the exciting things that happen once the first show is over. Take a look at our effort of "Late Show After The Show."
We cut to an overhead scene of the stage. It is empty. Nothing is happening. A stagehand walks across the stage. He coughs.
And that's it. Don't worry. It'll improve. It was only our first effort. Remember what the first edition of the Wahoo Gazette looked like?

ACT 5: Alan: "During this hectic time of year, it's easy to get distracted by shopping, travel, and other stresses of contemporary life. But when you wake up on Saturday morning, remember to take a moment and reflect on a wondrous event that occurred many years ago . . . . . the birth of . . . 'WKRP in Cincinnati' star Gary Sandy! Happy Birthday, Gary, form your pals at the 'Late Show.'

TOM DREESEN: He's an old friend of the show and I always enjoy his appearances. He's all showbiz and he always seems to be enjoying what he's doing. Dave asked about the holidays, wondering if there are any traditions Tom holds dear. Tom says he always went to midnight mass for Christmas. He was also an altar boy for the Church. Back then, things were different. Back then, you were never allowed to go to other churches of other religions. Today, it's accepted. In fact, they encourage you to bring them back to your own church. At the church Tom goes to now, if you bring a Jew to church, they'll validate your parking.
Tom's manager is Jewish. When they first met, the set up a telephone meeting. Tom called and asked if Mr. Wiley was in. The receptionist answered and said, "No, this is Yom Kippur." Tom responded, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Kippur . . ."

Tom recently spent some time feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen. It's something actors and comedians do during the holidays, realizing without that big break, they would be in line instead of serving. So this year, one homeless guy at the back of the line says to another, "They had bigger names last year."

Tom used to open for Frank Sinatra. They became friends. Frank would have Tom over for a Christmas Eve party and all the big names would be there.
Afterwards, they would go to midnight mass. This one year, Frank arranged for Tom to do a reading during the service. Reading the Gospels would be Frank, Roger Moore (007), Gregory Peck, and Tom Dreesen. Immediately a murmur began throughout the congregation ". . . . . who's Tom Dreesen?" They each did their readings and Tom was very relieved afterwards. But at the end of the service, the priest invited Tom to tell a joke to finish mass. Tom was stuck. Hundreds of jokes went through his head. He critiqued each joke with, "Can't tell that one. Can't tell that one." This was the only joke he could think of:
"I went to Mass one day and the priest said (chanting), 'I'm the priest and I only make $200 a week, and that's not enough.' The bishop followed and said, in a chant, 'I am the bishop and I only make $400 a week, and that's not enough.' And then the organist got up and said, 'I am the organist and I make $2,000 a week, and . . . . (starts singing) there's no business like show business . . .'"

And that was our show for Wednesday, December 22, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Not only that, now it's being reported that Bernard Kerik steals Sweet & Low from restaurants.

Last night Denise was in the mood for some Boston Market Chicken. She had the new Delivery Menu and she decided on the Boston Classic Feast for Two. I was hungry, so instead of waiting for the delivery, I decided to go myself. The Boston Market is only about a mile away. So I drove there, get on line, and with great pride place my order: "I'll have the Boston Classic Feast for 2, please." The woman at the cash register looked confused. A woman behind her stopped what she was doing and said, "I'm sorry, but that's a delivery item only." I said, "It's 'To Go.' Does that help?" The 2nd woman shakes her head no, repeating, "Sorry, it's for delivery only." I sadly nod, feeling like Jack Nicholson in "Five Easy Pieces." I excuse myself from the front of the line and tell the cashier I'll be a minute to decide on my new order. I look for something similar to the "Boston Classic Feast for Two." I quickly add up what the "Boston Classic Feast for Two" would cost if I ordered each item individually. It would cost 20 cents more, $11.99 instead of the delivery price of $11.79. Now, 20 cents of course means little to me but I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't order the "Boston Classic Feast for Two" after waiting in line. Plus, by my taking the time to do the work of the delivery man by coming directly to the store, I was costing myself 20 cents. Scratching the back of my head wondering what to do, it finally dawned on me. I took out my cell phone, called the Boston Market, and ordered the "Boston Classic Feast for Two." The woman was more than happy to take my order. "And where shall this be delivered?" she asked. I said, "To the end of the line in front of you." She looked up and I waved to her. She waved back. And 5 minutes later she delivered it herself. And I gave her a dollar tip.

I've been asking what do you do to make you feel 20 even though you're 40? Mine was renting a bus and going to a Yankee game with 30 friends.
Another wrote about going to Canada with friends on a fishing trip.
From Joey Blakeney of West Monroe, Louisiana

"Mike, I am almost 40...39 this coming year. Just the other day I was watching Classic Late Night with David Letterman's on the Trio.
Reminded me of being in College and in my early twenties when I was first married and would wait up late till my wife came home from her nursing job at the hospital and we would eat dinner and watch Dave on the NBC."

What else do we have out there?

Thursday night is our Christmas Show: Regis Philbin, Darlene Love, and Jay Thomas in the Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge. Don't miss it. It's always a lot of fun.
And for your enjoyment, here are the words to sing along to Darlene Love's "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home."

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Lyrics by: Jeff Barry/Ellie Greenwich/Phil Specter

It`s Christmas
Baby, please come home

The snow`s coming down
I`m watching it fall
Lots of people around
Baby please come home

The churchbells in town
They`re ringing a song
What a happy sound
Baby, please come home

They're singing deck the halls
But it`s not like Christmas at all
Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

Pretty lights on the tree
I`m watching them shine
You should be here with me
Baby, please come home

Baby, please come home
Baby, please come home

They`re singing deck the halls
But it`s not like Christmas at all
I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

If there was a way
I`d hold back these tears
But it`s Christmas day
Baby, please come home
Ohh...

Baby, please come home
Baby, please come home
Baby, please come home....