Tick tick tick tick. Hear that? The clock’s ticking closer to vacation. As soon as I’m done with this, my vacation begins.

Dave says that ever since his heart thing, he’s had to drink the decaf. I think he’s sneaking the good stuff, though. He has to admit that if weren’t for the caffeine, I wouldn’t have any personality at all.

WHAT THE HELL IS GEORGE W. BUSH TALKING ABOUT? He says something in Spanish, though it sounded Japanese.

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1. From Stacey Bettis of Lonoke, Arkansas:
“Dear Dave, if you could be any past President who would you be?”

Dave tells the letter-writer that she is asking the wrong guy. Our announcer, Alan Kalter, is the real history buff. Dave throws the question to Alan, asking which president he would want to be.

Alan answers: “Hmm, I’d have to say Calvin Coolidge, Dave. Just think of it, being the President of the United States during the Roarin’ 20’s. The jazz age, the Model T, flappers, gin joints, Babe Ruth . . . . Ah, the paradise. In fact, why don’t we travel back to the 20s right now! Let’s go, everyone!”

Suddenly, there is an explosion. Alan is blown to smithereens. He is no more. He has disappeared.

Dave asks, “What the hell just happened?”

Harold, our head carpenter, appears through the cloud of smoke. He is holding two smoking frayed wires. He says, “There was an electrical short in Alan’s microphone. At least he didn’t suffer.”

Going off script, Dave asks Harold, “You mean he’s dead then?” Harold nods, “Yeah.”

LETTER #2. From Andrew Bishop of Christ Church, New Zealand:
“What is your most memorable moment at CBS?”

While Dave begins to answer, I suggest to headwriters Justin and Eric that maybe we should get someone to do the Will It Float? announcement for Alan in the ACT 2, since he’s dead and all. I could tell they were already thinking the same. I suggest Pat Farmer. I suggest Biff. I suggest Kenny. Uh oh. They are looking at me and I know what they’re thinking. During the commercial break, they tell me they are going to suggest to Dave that I fill in for Alan during the Will It Float?. I quickly check the script to see exactly what I’ll have to say. I begin to rehearse with myself.
Back to mail.

Dave’s most memorable moment? There have been many, and he’s met many great people here at CBS. Dan Rather, for one. Dave is sorry to hear that Dan will be leaving in March, but CBS is already auditioning replacements. Dave thinks the network or Dan may be up to something. Dave has a clip from a recent audition. We see the opening graphics and music to the CBS Evening News. The announcer announces, “It’s the CBS Evening News and now from New York, here’s Dan Ratherston.” Cut to an obvious Dan Rather with a crude mustache pasted on his upper lip. He begins his report. What is Dan Rather doing? He’s fooling no one with the disguise. And as I type this now, in addition to no one fooled, I imagine no one laughed either.

LETTER #3. From John Brinley of High Ridge, Missouri:
“Hi Dave, Any chance of Richard Simmons coming back for a Thanksgiving special?”

The last we saw Richard Simmons was around Thanksgiving of 2000 and the visit ended badly. We take a look at that scene with Richard in a turkey costume with Dave yelling obscenities and shooting a fire extinguisher at him.

That was four years ago. In the spirit of the holiday, Dave invited him back. All is forgiven. Dave introduces Richard after 4 years.

A fat “Richard Simmons” enters in his signature red tank top and striped shorts. He blows a kiss to the audience and turns to Dave and says, “I love you, Dave.” He exits.

Dave waves Richard good-bye, adding “We all gain a little weight around the holidays.”

LETTER #4. From Craig Moyzee of Brockville, Ontario:
“Do you stay up every night to watch your own shows?”

Dave says he doesn’t but our stagehand Pat Farmer has a show “that I never miss.” He turns to Pat, “Isn’t that right?” Pat: “That’s right. It’s called ‘Surprise! You’re on TV!’ Take a look.”

We see an evening scene out on Broadway. Pat Farmer narrates. “This guy is just trying to put some money in the parking meter. Little does he know we have a surprise in store for him. Watch closely.”

We see the guy putting coins in the meter. Suddenly, Pat Farmer enters and whacks the guy in the groin with a baseball bat. The guy falls to the ground in pain, but at the same time feeling glad he was asked to participate knowing he would be receiving an AFTRA acting payment in a couple weeks. Pat Farmer exclaims to the fellow thespian, “Surprise! You’re on TV!”

And that was the CBS Mailbag for tonight.

ALERT!
HOLD EVERYTING! I’ve just been told that the Will It Float? is being edited out of Friday’s show. We ran way over time and it’s the only place they can cut. Much of what you read below will never happen in TV land. It will exist only in my memory.
END OF ALERT!

During the commercial break, I go back to the Will It Float? tank to get a good look at the Will It Float? item we will be dropping. In case I’m taking Alan Kalter’s place, I want to know as much about the item as possible. The item is on cue cards, but if Dave has some questions about it, I want to be ready. Back from the Will It Float? tank, Justin Stangel gives me the ‘thumbs up.’ I will be taking Alan’s place. In a procedure not too much unlike the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, I take over Alan’s perch as he slinks back to the shack. I let Bill the cue card guy that I will be doing Alan’s bit. On his cue card are two things:

“Dave, it’s 22 ounces of baby powder.”

“Dave, it’s a brand new Sony 42” high-definition XS Plasma Wega TV! Back to you, Dave.”

We’re back from commercial Once again I’m surprised at how I can’t hear Dave nearly as well as I expect. I’ve seen Will It Float? a hundred times but if feels like I’m seeing it for the first time. I see Dave explaining the game. I see him introducing the home game. I see him adjust his seat to ask Alan what we are playing for tonight. I begin to answer, “Dave . . . .(Bill the cue card guy is pointing to the bottom response) . . . it’s a brand new Sony 42” high-definition XS Plasma Wega TV! Back to you, Dave.”

I see Dave pretending to be confused and looking over to Paul for help. Together they remember that Alan is dead.
“And what is tonight’s item?”
(in a whisper) “Dave, it’s 22 ounces of baby powder?”
DAVE: “And what about the container? What is it in?”
ME: “It’s in a plastic container.”
I then see Dave and Paul discuss the item. I see the scrim rise. I see the item float. I hear the fanfare as the scrim closes. I made it through without getting hurt.

I make a mental note to thank Bill the cue card guy for pointing to the correct read. I sorely needed it. His pointing jolted me into action. Without the point, I may have wandered a bit to register what was asked.

I’m not sure what happened next. Bonnie Hunt is soon introduced. Coincidentally, I was to be featured in the ACT 5. I pass a note to Barbara, who is just a couple feet to my right, that I’m in the ACT 5 and it’ll probably have to be changed. She nods her head as she motions that the boys in the back are already on it. I offer a simple idea of how the ACT 5 can be changed to keep me out of it but the Stangels are busy in the back writing a brand new piece. I am sure I will be involved, probably to explain the whereabouts of Alan Kalter. They tell me to stay where I am. You never know when Dave will want something from the announcer. I sit on Alan’s perch. Bonnie comes out in the ACT 2 and stays for the ACT 3.

For the ACT 4, 2-time CART Champion Alex Zanardi comes out. He was in a horrific car accident in the fall of 2001, losing both legs. After receiving his Last Rites, he eventually pulled through. He wrote a book about the terrible yet inspiring ordeal, Alex Zanardi: My Sweetest Victory. Although I was out there the whole show, listening to every word, ready for any reference my way, I remember very little. I listened but did not hear. I was keyed into picking up a cue from Dave. I didn’t listen to what he said to Bonnie or Alex. My attention was what he might say to me. Everything else was background noise.

Alex stayed out for two segments. When the second guest stays out for 2, that being the ACT 4 and ACT 6, the ACT 5 is shot out of order. The second segment with Alex immediately follows his first segment. The ACT 5 is shot just before Dave says goodnight. Later in editing, it is moved to it’s proper spot. During Alex’s second segment, the actual ACT 6, I receive the script for the ACT 5. Cue cards get a copy and Bill quickly marks the script onto his cards. I read my copy. And I read it again. And again and again. Each time I read it I feel a bit more comfortable. Of course, once it’s on cue cards it’s a whole new ball game. For some reason I have a hard time with cue cards. My eyes jump all over the card and to compensate I end up looking at one word at a time and my speech becomes stilted and stuck. The cue cards are completed by the end of Alex Zanardi’s 2nd segment and I read from them two or three times. I feel I’m ready. Of course, we run the show in real time and when it’s time to do the ACT 5, we do the ACT 5 whether I’m ready or not. I see on the monitor the audience shot. On my headphones I can hear Foley barking instructions. I await my “ANNOUNCE” cue. Foley says “ANNOUNCE” and I read my lines. Half way through I’m saying to myself, “I’m halfway there. Keep going. Keep it steady. Don’t rush. Take your time. But hurry up.”

ACT 5: “If you would like to be the new Late Show announcer, please send a postcard to:
I Want To Be The New Late Show Announcer’
1697 Broadway
14th Floor
New York, New York 10019

Who knows? Maybe it can be you.
You’ve got to be in it to win it.
We’ll be right back.”

There was no time to pat myself on the back for not screwing up. Since the ACT 5 was shot at the end of the show, I had to get over to hand the flowers to the lady at the end of the show. Did they want me in the Elvis costume? No. They said to keep what I had on. It was about this time that I wished I had dressed better this morning. I ran over to the guest entrance and found Biff with the dozen roses. He said he would tell me when to deliver the roses. Grabbing me by the shoulder and elbow, pushing me with one hand, pulling me back with the other, Biff was waiting for his cue to cue me. When he got the cue, he said “GO!” I tried to match the “Alan presentation of the flowers” as best I could. I pretended to mumble something to the woman like I imagine Alan does. (Does he?) I was concerned as to which way I should turn after giving the flowers; turn towards the audience and exit, or turn backstage and exit. I remember Alan having blood on his face during one of the flower presentations and distinctly remember his turning toward the camera to reveal the blood. I guessed he turned this way all the time so that’s what I did. I turned toward the audience upon my exit. After that, it was done. An ordinary day turned into something a bit more. You never know. You just never know.

And that was our show for Friday, December 3, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I’m off to Disney World. Hello Florida. Goodbye money.

Here’s something odd. When I looked for a copy of the ACT 5 script to type up above, I was expecting something else. During the taping, I was given an ACT 5 script that mentioned something about Alan’s demise and our blaming CBS for the frayed wires, not World Wide Pants. A little later during the Alex Zanardi segment, I was handed the above re-write. I had forgotten about that. Thinking back, I pictured myself doing the first script I received, not the one about “Would You Like To Be The New Late Show Announcer.” Strange. But now that I think of it, I do remember being a bit relieved at the slightly easier read in the re-write. By the way, reading isn’t one of my strong points.

Saturday night at the Apollo, check out Darlene Love at the Apollo Theater in her concert, “Love at the Apollo for Christmas.” Also appearing will be Steve Van Zandt, Ben E. King, Cissy Houston, and our very own Paul Shaffer!

And if you can’t make the show, be sure to watch Darlene on the LATE SHOW December 23rd. You’ll be glad you did.

HEY! Watching “Ellen” this morning I saw a guy in the audience!

NEXT WEEK’S PREVIOUSLY VIEWED PROGRAMS:
MONDAY: From November 17; Show #2272:
Renee Zelwegger and frog expert Dr. Chris Raxworthy.
TUESDAY: From November 8; Show #2265:
Tom Hanks and Nelly; and a guy gets a Biff tattoo
WEDNESDAY: From November 9; Show #2266:
Salma Hayek; Sebastian Bourdais; and Jimmy Eat World
THURSDAY: From November 15; Show #2270:
Jerry Seinfeld; and Jamie Oliver. PLUS, the domino guy
FRIDAY: From September 30; Show #2244:
John Travolta; Tim Frisby; and Pearl Jam

Read the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.

Talk to you in a week.