Dave says he enjoyed the holidays more when he drank.

LETTER #1: From Mike McCarron of Fort Wayne, Indiana
"Dave, Where do the interns live while working on your show?"
Since it's an unpaid internship, we like to keep them nearby and on the cheap. We take a look at their housing. It looks nice, until the camera widens to find the interns lounging atop the Ed Sullivan Theater marquee. And it's drizzling. But at least it's nearby. It's a trade-off, I guess..

LETTER #2: From James Rim of Madison, Wisconsin
"Dear Dave, How do you decide how much vulgarity to include in the show?"
Here to tell you how we decide what's in and what's out, here is CBS Vice President of Late Night Programming, East Coast, Vinnie Favale.
MR. FAVALE: "Thanks, Dave. CBS has always adhered to the highest moral codes, but in this new era of FCC vigilance, we have to be very careful. To that end, we have tweaked some of our shows to conform to this new stricter policy. First, we've decided to gay down some of our shows. You know what that means, America . . . . Bye-bye, 'JAG.' Holy crap, is he gay! Next, we've decided to use black bars to obscure anything our viewers may deem offensive. Such as this . . . . (bikini woman with black bar over chest) . . . . and this . . . . (black bar over Dave Letterman's face).
Plus, we'll be policing all our shows for profanity. We're even making changes to '60 Minutes.' Beginning this Sunday, you won't be hearing the usual introduction . . . (roll vt - see the end of "60 Minutes" intro with Andy Rooney's face. . . . "these stories and this angry, old 'givl.' Tonight on '60 Minutes.'")
MR. FAVALE: "All right, Dave. I'm out. 'G-String Divas' is on HBO in a few minutes. Later, losers." (Vinnie exits)

LETTER #3: From Sally Danford of St. Joseph, Missouri
"Do you feel Bill Clinton is someone you'd like to hang with?"
Dave thinks Clinton might be fun to hang out with. Dave saw an interesting reaction to the opening of his Presidential Library last week.
"Couldn't make it to Arkansas for the unveiling of the Clinton Presidential Library? Well this week come up to Boston for the opening of the John Kerry Non-Presidential Library. The library will include over 10,000 photos of Kerry's failed Presidential run.
There'll be seminars in which Kerry will give advice to young people interested in making a failed Presidential run.
Kerry will also give you tips on how to land a nut-job ketchup lady of your very own. The John Kerry Non-Presidential Library - where losers are born!"

LETTER #4: From Derek Alldred of Cincinnati, Ohio
"Hey Dave, What is the true key to happiness?"
Dave says good livin' is good eatin'. And do you know what makes the best eating?
The new Monster Thickburger from Hardee's. It's the biggest burger out there and here to tell us about it is the Hardee's CEO and President Andrew Puzder.
We see Mr. Puzder in the Green Room.
Dave asks, "Mr. Puzder, who would like this type of hamburger?"
MR. PUZDER: "This is for burger lovers with a serious appetite, Dave. Almost a pound of meat, 4 strips of bacon, 3 slices of cheese, covered in mayo and all in between a buttered sesame seed bun.
DAVE: "Sounds delicious, Andrew. But are there any risks associated with a burger that size?"
We cut back to Mr. Puzder in the Green Room. He is clutching his chest in terrible pain, his arteries clogging up by the second. Two paramedics frantically work on him. It's no use. He dead.

WILL IT FLOAT? Item: a 6 pound, 12 ounce can of yams. Dave says "Sink." Paul says "Sink." And it . . . . SINKS!

TOP TEN: Signs You Had a Lame Thanksgiving:
#6. While you were stuffing the turkey, your brother was stuffing your wife.
#2. Mom couldn't get any cooking done because of all the phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.
#1. Just as you were sitting down to dinner, your family was beaten by Ron Artest.

BARACK OBAMA - United States Senator-elect from Illinois. His dad was from Kenya. Mom was from Kansas. "Barack" means 'blessed' in Swahili. His parents believed that in a tolerant America, your name is no barrier to success. Many suggested he couldn't win an election with a name like Barack Obama. "They told me I should change my name to something like 'Cat Stevens.' Barack is glad he didn't take their advice.
What will he be doing as a freshman senator? Barack says he will be trying to keep up with the mail and e-mail and phone calls. People like to feel their political leaders hear their concerns. Answering their letters and calls is a great way to make a connection with his constituents.
What mistakes did John Kerry make in his run for Presidency? The Senator says he probably shouldn't have had his photo taken while wind-surfing. He probably should have been playing softball or something. (It's a pity, but it's true. Many probably went against Kerry simply because he likes to windsurf. Oy.)
This summer, Barack delivered the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. He then went on to defeat Alan Keyes in the race for U.S. Senator from Illinois. In January, he will become only the 5th African-American in history to become a United States Senator, and he will be the only one currently.

His bestselling book, "Dreams From My Father" is now in paperback.

Very impressive two segments with the new Senator. Exudes confidence and decency. Bright future for this man.

ACT 5: Seems like the camera is on the fritz. Nothing a slap and a bang from techie Dan Campbell can't fix. Ahh, back to living color.

JESSICA BIEL: She's stars in the new film, "Blade: Trinity." It opens December 8th. She's 22. She recently bought a cabin right next to her parent's cabin. She has a dog who eats anything. He ate a whole bunch of Halloween candy and was rushed to the Vet. Dave tells the story of his dog Bob who died after eating a fake log.

And that was our show for Friday, November 26, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Wahoo Gazette Herbie/Hermey discussion.
From anonymous:

"Here is my take...my name being Herbie...though I spell it Herby... since I was a kid, I have been rided with 'but Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbie...YOU can't become a dentist. you know ELVES can't be dentists!'
Now the deal is this. we know that the real name is Hermey. We have always known. We just say Herbie and pretend that's his name.
But then, about 5 years ago, CVS stores (consumer value stores) started selling licensed Rudolph ornaments and over the next two years expanded the line to include plush dolls, coloring books, etc. During those three years, everything mistakenly said 'Herbie'. I figured that it was a corporate decision that the license holder made that was simply based upon the fact that 'Herbie' sounded more normal. I do not think there was an error made at all, though it would be funny if there was!
Anyhow, in either that third year, or if not then the fourth, all of a sudden, Toys R Us and probably other people had licensed 'Rudolph' items and now he was being called the correct name of Hermey."

Ooh, how I wish I knew that yesterday. I could have brought it up over the Thanksgiving dinner table.

We've got another week of shows. Oooh, boy, next week is going to be tough. Our mental calendars have us on vacation. World Wide Pants has us on another week. Who made this Ratings Period schedule, anyway?